Don’t think that you won’t get touched


Charles Man, you crazy


You'll brick your guts when I clutch my-




[bwo][/bwo]



The Nickleman is caught on camera roaming the halls of the XWF’s backstage area. He tosses a barbed-wire baseball bat around in his hands as his eyes search high and low for his next challenger.

“ELLIIIIJAAAAAAAH MARTIN- COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!”

Charlie turns a corner as he twirls the baseball bat around menacingly.

“Come onnnnnn ooooouttt Elllllliiiiiijjjjaaaaahhhh! Let’s dance baby boy!”

Charlie turns another corner and spots movement out of the corner of his eye. He instinctively swings the bat like he’s trying to hit a home run!

“WHAT THE HELL!”

John Black yells as he ducks the frantic swing just in the nick of time. Charlie retracts his bat and slings it over his shoulder as he holds up his free hand innocently. JB looks mighty pissed off as he rises back up to a standing position.

“Oh hey- my bad Johnny boy! I didn’t see you there!”

John Black stares daggers right into Charlie’s soul as The Nickleman continues to plead the case of his innocence.

“I’m looking for Elijah Martin, have you seen him?! I was reading up on the reviews of his recent matches and they all concluded that he lives in the shadow of better wrestlers…..”

Charlie squints as his gaze travels from JB to the shadow JB is casting against the wall.

“And I’m going to find him- sooner, not later….”

Charlie looks back up to JB, then back down to JB’s shadow. The Nickleman grips his bat and seems to ready it as he stares suspiciously at the silhouettes on the wall. John Black rolls his eyes and pushes his way past Charlie. JB continues to walk down the hallway without any further response to Charlie’s lunacy. Charlie shakes his head from side to side as JB gets further and further down the hall. Charlie raises the baseball bat above his head.

“Fine, Johnny boy- have it your way. I’ll find him with or without your help!”

Charlie licked his cracked lips and turned his head to the side as he went to step away….

But then he froze.

His gaze locked onto shadow being cast against the hallway wall. Charlie turned his head to the side as he stared into the darkness: the shadow mimicked his every movement. As Charlie spun his barbed wire bat around the congealing darkness on the wall did the same.

A crazed grin slowly made its way onto Charlie’s face. He took a single step towards the wall as he stared into where the shadow’s eyes would be, if it had any, of course.

“There you are.

How long did you think you could hide from me, you yellow-bellied bitch?”

Charlie looked the shadow up and down.

“Or should I say- black-bellied bitch.”

Charlie smiled and nodded as if he were proud of that low hanging fruit.

“Why don’t you go ahead and come out from behind that wall so we can settle this like men? I know it’s a day early but you’re not scared, are ya?”

Multiple moments of silence go by.

“Well?”

Charlie stares intently into his own shadow as he waits for the response. Still, none comes.

“Heh, figures. Why would you start talking to me now when you’ve been all but ignoring me for two weeks? Come on Elijah, exactly how long did you think you could avoid The Nickleman for? You don’t have the guts needed to defend against my words, so why should anyone expect you to grow the guts you need to defend against my fists? You can’t hide from me for much longer, Elijah Martin.”

A few moments of quiet pass before Charlie raises an inquisitive eyebrow towards the shadow.

“A fix? This match won’t be fixed for you, Elijah! No one can “fix” your matches against The Nickleman regardless of how generic and direct their nom de guerre is! Besides, Elijah, what kind of bitch-made man waits around for a better, smarter, more competent man to fix all of his mistakes from behind a shadowy veil? Have you ever thought about, you know, growing a ballsack and a spine?”

Charlie lowers his eyebrow…only to raise his oher eyebrow at the shadow immediately after!

“No? Heh, figures.”

Charlie rolls his glazey eyes around in their sockets as he shifts the baseball bat around in his hands.

“You know you don’t want to taste my slugger, little Ellie. You know that if you walk up to me like you’re the king of the hill I’ll leave you buried beneath ten feet of freezing snow. You don’t want that, no one wants that. Everyone knows you don’t want to draw my ire, little miss Martina. No wonder you’ve been so hesitant to insult me these last two weeks- you’re hoping I take it easy on you on account of your nice smile and friendly words.”

Charlie can’t help but chuckle as he shakes his head from side to side. Greasy strands of brown hair fall from Charlie’s scalp and onto his face.

“Ain’t happenin’, buster! But don’t blame me, blame the bookers! They know my proclivities, they know that The Nickleman doesn’t have an off switch or an easy mode! They know that I end careers inside that ring! They know that I end families inside that ring! So don’t blame me, buddy boy, when your name finally gets written down for all time…….on a tombstone in the middle of the Bronx!”

Charlie’s voice raises as his threats grow more aggressive and unhinged. Slight droplets of saliva are slung towards the wall as Charlie shouts his drivel. The Nickleman continues to swing the bat around in his hands…..until he looks at the shadow mimicking his every move. He turns his head to the side and takes another step towards the wall- now his nose is no more than a few inches away from the wall.

“What do you think you’re going to do with that bat, little boy? You can’t even take out a fucking chihuahua, what makes you think that bat is going to be your great equalizer against the one and only Nickleman? Do you even know how to properly wrap a slugger in barbed wire?”

Charlie looks towards the shadow of the bat being cast against the wall via the overhead lighting in the hallway.

“Heh, doesn’t fucking look like it. They don’t teach you this kind of shit in the Bronx, all you dumb bastards know how to do is bitch, moan, and vote for AOC! But me? Me? ME?!?! I’m a god damned samurai master of weaponry! Look at this shit- just look at it!”

Charlie waves the bat in front of the shadow’s face.

“This right here? This shit’s so fucking high-tech it might as well be a James Bond invention! This was the most expensive barbed wire they had in the home depot, did you know that, Elijah? Imagine how THAT’S going to feel when it rakes across your face! I bet that shit’s not going to feel very CASH MONEY!”

Jason Cashe is walking through the XWF backstage hallways when he sees Charlie speaking to no one in particular. Cashe approaches Charlie when he hears his name mentioned and places a soft hand on The Nickleman’s shoulder.

“Yo, what’s up? Whatcha’ need?”

“My god!”

Charlie is startled as can be- he immediately jumps back and recoils as soon as he feels the touch on his shoulder. In the confusion Charlie’s barbed wire bat smashes the overhead light causing glass to rain down on Nickles & Cashe like angel piss! The shadows on the wall dissipate as the lighting of the hall drastically changes! Jason Cashe immediately ducks out from the area of the falling glass as Charlie just stands there, growing more pissed off by the second. Shards of glass fall onto Charlie’s scalp, into his beard, and all over his sleeveless plaid top.

“Oh god damn, what the hell man?!”

Nickles stares at the wall intently as if he’s expecting the shadow to reappear at any second. Charlie clenches his fists around the bat. He grips the slugger tighter and tighter with every passing moment. Jason Cashe looks the glazy and glass covered man up and down.

“So uh, did you need something from me? You called out my name…”

The Nickleman sloooowwwlly turns his head to meet Jason’s gaze.

“Do you know how long I had been searching for that man, Johnny boy? I’ve been looking for him for two weeks! It’s been like a game of hide and seek, and that little bitch has kept awfully quiet these last couple of weeks. For seven days, SEVEN DAYS, Elijah Martin hid in his hidey-hole and just wrote sweet love notes in his diary! But I finally found him!”

Jason Cashe looks around the empty hallway.

“Uh….where?”

“He was right there, Johnny boy!!”

Charlie points towards the wall with his barbed-wire slugger.

“Uh huh….”

“God fucking damn it….he can’t have gone far!”

Charlie rushes past a bemused Jason Cashe in search of his own shadow. Charlie fast walks through the backstage area as his eyes scan from wall to wall. Charlie walks past closed doors, empty food carts, and various XWF staffers as he clenches his hands around the handle of his bat. Then, Charlie stops in his tracks. A look of worry spreads across his face.

“Oh god…he better not be going for Goldi!”

Charlie breaks into a straight-up sprint as he rushes towards his personal locker room. Charlie backtracks all the way to the other side of the XWF backstage area, rushing past everyone he sees until he comes across a small door tucked into a corner. A placard on the side of the door reads ‘Champion’s Locker’. Charlie flings the door open and stomps into the room. The closet door slams against the placard before shutting on it’s own accord. A few seconds after impact the ‘Champion’s Locker’ placard falls to the ground and reveals an entirely new placard that reads ‘Custodial Closet’.

We cut to a shot inside the janitor’s closet and we see a dingly room with minimal lighting aside from various Xmas lights that have been strewn around the ceiling and walls seemingly at random. Charlie throws his baseball bat and drops to his knees in the center of the room.

“Oh good heavens- I’m so happy to see you baby….”

Charlie leans forward and kisses the TV championship belt. The belt has been positioned atop a red pillow. After planting a few dozen kisses that grew increasingly sloppy, Charlie picks the belt up and clutches it close to his chest.

“Oh Goldilocks, all I want for Christmas is you….”

Charlie holds the championship belt against his upper chest and starts rocking it back and forth. A few seconds of this go by before Charlie suddenly pauses and raises his eyebrows. He extends the championship belt out in front of him as a look of uncomfortable anxiety starts to spread across his face.

“Well, Goldi, about that…..I’m still working on getting your Christmas present. I know we agreed to create a tradition of giving each other our gifts on Christmas Eve so that Christmas Day can be all about our children, but it’s not as easy as it sounds to put Elijah’s head on a kebab, baby! He’s been ducking, dodging, hiding, and avoiding me for two weeks! He’s barely even saying my name in his promos- I think HE thinks that The Nickleman works like The Candyman, I think HE thinks that I can’t touch him if he doesn’t speak my name! But I’ll get him for you, baby, I will! It will just have to wait until the match starts tomorrow night….”

Charlie winces as Goldi responds.

“I know baby, I know! I’m sorry! This day is supposed to be all about you, and I couldn’t give you the one thing you wanted: but baby, isn’t there anything else I can give you tonight that would suffice? Isn’t there anything else in this world that you want? Anything at all?”

Charlie waits with patient anxiety as Goldi mulls over his offer. The Nickleman bites his lip out of nervousness- then suddenly a look of jubilation rolls over Charlie’s features.

“Is that what you want? I can definitely get that for you, baby! You know what, you’re a bit of a financial guru, aren’t you? If BarnCoin is what you want, then Barncoin is what you’ll get baby! Those BarnCoins are going to be worth so much DogeCoin in a year’s time, I just know it!”

Charlie plants a nice wet kiss on Goldilocks before placing her down on her pillow pad.

“Let me go ahead and get that whipped right up for you, babygirl…”

Charlie pulls his pink iphone out of his back pocket. He starts flipping through a few mobile applications as he tries to find the crypto.com app…but he accidentally opens up twitter instead. Their shortcuts are roughly the same color, so it’s an honest mistake.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait a fucking minute….”

Charlie clicks a few times on the twitter app and begins scrolling.

“Oh, so he’s talking about me on twitter and not in his promos? Why? Is it because that bitch-made boy knows that Fuckerberg banned me from the web? That bitch! If I hadn’t stolen Bobby Bourbon’s twitter to make fun of in other federations I would have never seen these foul tweets!”

Charlie snarls at the screen of his pink iphone as he scrolls through Elijah Martin’s tweeter bird messages, or whatever they’re called.

“He thinks he wants the smoke? BAH!

You don’t want smoke, I’ll blast your lungs! I’ll take the hair off your head with a scalpel, I’ll break each toe and I'll cut out your tongue! You wanna go then?

Huh? HUH?! Fucking prick!”

Charlie continues scrolling.

“Wrestlers are self-made businesses? Elijah thinks Terry Borden is a self-made business?”

Charlie’s snarl turns to a mocking grin.

“Well then, I guess these wantrepreneurs better start calling me the Great Recession cause I’m putting self-made business after self-made business out of fucking business! I’ve ended so many self-made businesses that economists are going to start calling me Charlie Maynard Keynes!”

Charlie shakes his head from side to side as he continues to scroll through Elijah’s empty threats and baseless predictions. Then, he stops in his tracks and looks right at the championship belt. A few seconds go by before Nickles nods his head and exits the blue bird app before he gets himself into more trouble.

“You’re right baby, you’re right, I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be buying you some BarnCoin for Christmas!”

Charlie clicks into his cryptocurrency app and attempts to make a purchase. His debit card gets declined- it’s evident that the television champion is still the brokest of all the bastards. Charlie looks at Goldilocks, barely able to contain his embarrassment.

“Oh, uhm, it’s just taking a minute to load the payment onto the app is all….”

Charlie quickly switched apps on his cellphone. Charlie scrolls through his bank account and sees nothing but goose eggs….so he switches to the Charles Schwab app. He clicks through a few times until he comes to a password protected page.

“Fuck, what password would Connie pick….” Charlie asks himself under his breath.

He types his first guess into the Charles Schwab application: Tyler+EmilyCollegeFund

It works!

“Aha!” Charlie hollers jubilantly before quickly quieting as he looks over to Goldi.

“Oh, what am I shouting for? Well, uh, I got a phone notification that says the Cleveland Cavaliers are finally good again! About time, right?”

Charlie smiles at Goldi for a millisecond before he goes right back to looking at the Charles Schwab account his ex-wife made for his two children, Tyler and Emily. His eyes pop when he sees how much money is in there.

“HOLY SHIT, THERE’S $50,000 IN HERE?!?! LET’S GOOOOOOOOO! Those idiots aren’t going to college anyways!”

Charlie didn’t feel a hint of guilt or shame as he attached his bank information to the account and drained every single penny from it. It transferred instantly. Charlie opened his bank account to check that the transfer went through. The Nickleman couldn’t contain his wide-eyed smile. He switched applications again as he opened up the crypto.com app. He made his $50,000 purchase with joy and pride.

“$50,000 worth of BarnCoin has just been purchased for you, Goldilocks! Merry Christmas!”

Charlie rushes back to his belt and gives it ANOTHER sloppy kiss.

“Maybe it’s time for my gift now? What do you say, baby?”

Charlie grins as he starts unbuttoning and unzipping his crusty jeans. When Goldi ‘responds’ Charlie stops unzipping and immediately reaches for his phone.

“Oh of course baby, I’ll show you just how much you have! I think it was like 50,000 coins or something! I guess BarnCoin isn’t expensive yet, but it’s definitely going to get there one day!”

Charlie grabbed the phone and showed the Goldilocks the new cryptocurrency that she owns. Half a second goes by before Charlie’s jaw drops and his eyes go wide.

“Wha-what do you mean it’s not the right one?!?!”

The Nickleman flips the phone around and looks at the crypto-currency he just purchased for $50,000. The camera zooms in on Charlie and it looks like he’s doing his best ‘shocked pikachu’ face. We slowly fade out of the shot on Charlie’s face…..












































And we fade into a shot of the crypto-coin in question.





























































The camera fades to black. Then we hear a woman’s guttural scream.



“Dammit Charlie, your illiteracy has screwed us again!”


~End Scene~