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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » "Savage Saturday Night" RP Board
Die Hard: It's a Good Day to be Dying Harder With a Vengeance
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Corey Smith Offline
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Some of everyone

(cheered; very rarely plays dirty but isn't lame either; many likable qualities)


#1
12-24-2021, 09:13 PM

OOC: Just a little OOC note. We poke some fun at some recent events in this promo, but I hope it comes across that we're joking out of love and not trying to be spiteful. Love ya big man.

We open on an ornate lobby, set inside some major corporation’s phallic seat of power. But something is very wrong. A huddled mass of people are surrounded by gun toting thugs. Amongst them, we are able to pick out a couple familiar faces: Corey Smith and RL Edgar’s wife Marie. They are seated on the floor next to each other, hands about their heads in supplication. Corey leans in surreptitiously to whisper something to Marie.

I overheard one of the guys talking about RL. Apparently he’s making it tough for them. I’m sure he’ll save us.

Marie shoots Corey a side eyed look. It’s not like my husband is an action hero.

You sure ab-

Suddenly, one of the guards approaches Corey, weapon at the ready. The boss said no talkin’!

Corey allows himself a frightened and woefully effeminate “eep” of surprise. Sorry….sorry!

Now what the hell is going on out here?! A booming voice cuts the air as a large man exits one of the nearby offices. He has three others in tow, and together they make up a quartet of destruction, four of the most feared criminal masterminds in all of history!

BOBERT VODKA





LIGHTNING HANDS




CHUCKIE DIMES




BILLY




We got some chatty Cathy’s? Bobert inquires, sidling up to the quivering mass of humanity.

Billy pops off the safety on his assault rifle. Motherfuckers can’t f-f-follow the r-r-rules, th-th-they GET GOT!

Billy moves in for the kill and Chuckie Dimes intervenes. Damn Billy, why you gotta be so hardcore all the time?! We need them alive for now.

Fuck, fuckity fuck fuck. Fuck.This from Lightning Hands.

I agree, Lightning. RL using the ductwork to hit us and run is getting mighty tiresome.

Corey perks up at the mention of his friend’s name. Wait, so he’s alive?!!

SHUT UP, BISH!! Billy smacks the side of Corey’s head with the butt of the rifle. Corey collapses into Marie’s arms, who looks naturally very concerned.

Look, maybe as a sign of good faith you can start letting some of the hostages go.

FUCKITTY FUCK FUUUUUUCK!

You got that right, Lightning! Lady, I call the shots around here, understand? Oh, and your husband….heh, yeah, I know who you are….your husband’s as good as dead!

Just then, an explosion from one of the upper floors rocks the whole building!

RL…he’s….alive! Corey intones dreamily from Marie’s lap.

Okay, okay, this is all getting out of hand. A slick looking guy in a business suit stands up. About ten guns are trained on him in response. Whoa…whoa…hold your horses! I just wanna talk. Now, I’m a negotiator by trade. I’ve brokered so many multi million dollar deals it would make your head spin…

Corey shoots up to a sitting position. Wait! I know what you’re thinking Smug, Overconfident Business Man, but it’s not going to work! They’re just going to kill you!

Kid, why don’t you let the grownups do the talking. He returns his attention to Bobert. Now, what say we go in that office over there and have ourselves a nice little chat on how to proceed, hmmmm?

Fuck fuck?

Yeah, I know. Bobert smiles. Look compadre, I’m a negotiator too. Which means I’m smart enough to run you through a trial level so I know you’re not gonna waste my time. So why don’t you give Billy your elevator speech and he can catch up with me later and tell me if I should even bother listening to you. I’ve got a wannabe action star to kill. Bobert turns away from the scene, and the smug business man looks at Billy, falters, and then calls out to Bobert.

Actually, I should probably talk to you.

Aw, hell….

Bobert turns around, wearing an uneasy expression. Oh yeah? Why’s that?

Well, it’s just that, you know…

No, I don’t think I KNOW. Why should you talk to me and not Billy?

Well…*ahem*....you know that Billy’s….uh….

DON’T YOU SAY IT! DON’T YOU SAY IT! Bobert booms in an abrupt rage. Billy is a capable and fully functioning member of this team who is no better or worse than the rest of us, and I have nothing but respect for the trials he’s gone through his entire life to get to this point!

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…

You didn’t mean what?! To show such flagrant disrespect? To make an assumption about a man’s abilities based on how he looks?!

I really didn’t….

Billy, cap this motherfucker.

G-g-gladly! Billy pumps a round through the smooth talker’s skull, spraying blood and brain matter all over the assembled captives. They scream and some start to cry.

And this goes to any of you who have a bad word to say about the disabled, speak ill of them, and you’ll have a brand new orifice in your head! I may be an international criminal and terrorist, but I will NOT ABIDE that BULLSHIT!

Here here!

Fuck, fuck!

A short while later….

Billy and Chuckie Dimes enter what looks to be a loading dock of some sort.

Alright RL, we know you’re in here! Come out and we’ll make your death quick and painless. Chuckie and Billy turn to each other and snicker.

They are answered by silence. Billy shrugs. Okay, fine! How about this? You get out here, or else I’m going to have forced carnal relations with your wife!

Billy gasps. Hey m-m-man, rape isn’t cool!

Ah geez Billy, not you too! With the amount of strange you get you’re going to beat me up over this?

I g-g-get all that s-strange because I respect women!

Oh so what, am I can-

Suddenly, a wicked looking knife is thrown from out of nowhere, and it imbeds itself in the side of Chuckie’s head!



Billy cusses and unloads a torrent of bullets at a quickly moving target that dives behind a delivery truck. I see you t-t-there, bish! He goes to fire again but the gun only emits a clicking sound. Shit balls!

Sounds like you’re out of ammo! RL calls out mockingly. Servies you right for threatening to rape my wife! Rape is NEVER funny!

I didn’t say th-that! Chuckie did! Billy then tosses off his shirt and holy shit is he JACKED! Now get out here so I can f-f-force f-f-feed you your own nuts!

RL warily steps out from behind the truck. Do we really have to?

YES!

Sighing, RL shakes his head and mutters, This is so wrong. Nonetheless, he approaches Billy, ready to throw down! Putting up his dukes, he moves in to pop off a shot, when Billy goes all Clubber Lang on his ass, breaking through his defenses and rapid firing some meat hooks! RL gasps in shock as Billy knocks him right on his ass!

That all you got p-pussy!

Jesus Christ! RL picks himself back up off the floor, approaching more tentatively again. But…he gets knocked on his ass once more. Billy throws his arms up triumphantly as RL slinks backwards. Holy hell, could we take a break between rounds or something? All I can smell is blood, but it’s still inside my face!

Billy, looking confident, retorts. Can’t stand the h-h-heat?

I can! I can stand….the heat. He doesn’t sound confident. Just let me take a second to make sure this isn’t a stroke… He cautiously gets to his feet, but as he does so he presses a big red button on the wall quite by accident. Huh?

Just then, a chain with a meat hook at the end rises up just behind Billy. It snags deep into his back and he screams out in pain!

Oh! Oh fuck!

Billy is lifted into the air as blood pours from his back in a horrifying, grotesque display. RL claps his hands to his face in shock as Billy’s body quivers and dies. Oh Jesus, that was fucked up. He looks up at Billy one last time and scowls. I hope I don’t get cancelled for this.

Meanwhile….

Fuck? Fuck? Fuck? Lightning tries to garner a response from his comrades on the walkie talkie, but there is no reply. He looks at Bobert and shakes his head “no”.

No word from Billy or Chuckie? God damn RL EDGAR!

Corey gives a sneaky little fist pump in the background.

Well, there’s only one thing left to do.

A final, precarious showdown on the top floor of the building?

Bobert looks taken aback. Yeah? How did you know? Ehhhh, it doesn’t matter. I need a final hostage to take with me. He steps up to Marie and Corey. Marie withers under Bobert’s gaze in fear. I’ll need you to be brave, Mrs. Edgar. I’m the best thief in the world. I’ve been stealing notoriety with the illusion of talent for years.

You’re a disgusting pig, Marie fires back.

Bobert smiles and taps on his puckered lips, and just then-

*CRRRRRACK* *STATIC* *CRRRRACK*

Fuckitty fuckerdom!

Lightning's walkie talkie pulls in a frequency,

Well howdy-do you bastards. It’s your local cowboy here.

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Lightning demands through the walkie, before Bobert confidently pulls the radio from his partner’s hand,

Well, well, season's greetings Mr. Edgar. I’ll not assume you’ve happened upon my colleagues' radio by nefarious means. No one would be stupid enough to try and harm a man of his particular condition.

Oh, you mean Billy Badass? Yeah, he’s dead.

HE’S DEAD?!

I’ve also happened upon his machine gun. That means you, and that fourth-grader with a mullet are dead too.

You killed a man with down syndrome, RL! You’re a sick freak. When the world hears about this, you’ll be cancelled even while you rot in your grave.

It’s not like I made fun of him on Twitter for having down syndrome, that’s just unforgivable-

Corey’s face is glowing red with an urge to laugh or interrupt,

-and plus that rape-”realist”, Chuckie Dimes was there. Everyone’s frustrations and cancel energy will naturally drift his way. So here’s a merry Yippie Ki-fuckin-Yay, Bobert.

Bobert is seething, grasping the walkie as if to break it. His eyes dart to Marie’s, and then over to a snickering Corey Smith. His vibrating with the walkie ceases, his demeanor icy and Bobert lifts the radio to his mouth, I’ll make this very simple for you, Mr. Cowboy. The party is over. I’m going to kill everyone here and burn this building to it’s frames.

Now why would you do a thing like that?

Bobert laughs, his cold gaze fixated on Corey now

Because I’m offended, and I’m going to prove a point.



Later on…


Outside, a SWAT team and the FBI have encircled the skyscraper. They were alerted to the Bobert’s robbery by RL Edgar via radio. After a skirmish near the lobby led to the death of a few hostages, the FBI pulled back and began negotiations with Bobert.

They’ve agreed to our terms Lightning. The FBI will be sending a helicopter near the roof.

Bobert Vodka and Lightning Hands are riding up an elevator to the top of the building,

Fu-?

You don’t even need to ask. Of course I know what I’m doing. I’m playing 3D cheese. We’ll subvert the FBI by blowing up the roof once their helicopter arrives, making it appear as if we, along with all of these hostages have died.

Fuck, fuck, fuck?

Well… as for RL Edgar. If he’s man enough to attack me from behind the radio, then I have just the thing here to gaslight and redirect him. Bobert pulls a scared woman hiding her face, one would assume is Marie Edgar, under his arm.

The terrorists exit the elevator on the floor just beneath the roof. Bobert looks out of the window of the office building and sees the FBI helicopter approaching. He has Marie Edgar pulled close with a pistol near her head and a detenotor to the bomb in his other hand.

It really is a shame that the cowboy won’t make it in time to see his precious-

Merry Christmas you bastards.

Edgar slides out of the air ducting, and takes an awkward tumble to the floor, dropping his machine gun. When he stands, Lightning has his gun drawn on him, as does Bobert who still has in his clutches-

Corey? RL notices with his arms in the air. Corey is wearing a wig and a slender dress,

That’s right Mr. Edgar. I’m tired of men pretending to be women and setting unrealistic beauty standards.

Then why did you make me wear this wig?

Bobert tightens his arm around Corey’s neck, swinging him wildly and aiming the pistol back at his head.

YOU WANT TO WEAR IT, YOU SLUT! YOU WANT TO GET PEOPLE CANCELLED!

Whoa, whoa, take it easy man, this isn’t the way,

Edgar says, holding one arm out, long enough for Bobert to turn his gun back on Edgar.

Of course it is, Mr. Edgar, what was it you said earlier? Bobert lifts the detonator back up, his pistol still covering RL, Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Bobert begins laughing. Lightning begins laughing. Edgar begins laughing. Corey joins in nervously laughing as well.

The helicopter is approaching.

Bobert’s thumb is gliding over the detonator…

…while Edgar’s arm is reaching for the convenient pistol tapped to his back.

Edgar pulls the gun and buries a bullet into Lightning’s skull, then fires a quick series of rounds into Bobert’s chest, just as Corey Smith moves out of the way. Bobert falls back through the window, but not completely dead he grabs ahold of Corey’s arm, dragging him along.

Edgar dives and desperately tries pulling Corey back into the window, but Bobert has a hold of his wrist. Edgar is reaching out, trying to break Bobert’s grasp. Everything slows down and Bobert looks up, seeing both Corey and Edgar within aim. He raises his pistol to fire, grabbing ahold of Corey’s hair to pull up closer… but forgetting that it was a wig he made Corey wear.

The wig pulls off and Bobert falls from the skyscraper to his death.

In the end…

RL Edgar is outside, embracing his wife among the now safe and sound hostages. Corey smiles watching Edgar from a short distance, seeing the Christmas twinkle in his partner’s eye.

So RL, don’t you think Die Hard is a Christmas movie now?

Edgar smiles and nods, pulling his wife closer,

You’re damn right, Corey. Die Hard actually is a Christmas movie. Just like the Bastards actually are a bad tag team. A miraculous snow floats down over Los Angeles, trusting the aesthetic is good enough for me.

Merry Christmas Edgar.

Merry Christmas Corey.


[Image: CoreySig6A.png?width=270&height=406]
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