"Who IS Cage Coleman?"

Quote:"Cage Coleman is professional wrestling. He takes the best of every discipline and blends them together into his own, unique style. Now that doesn't make him a jack of all trades, if anything, it makes him a master of 'em!"

Dave Meltzer, Wrestling Critic

Quote:"I once wrestled Cage Coleman for a cardboard Championship in his grand mama's basement. Even back then, he'd give it his all. Some people max out at 100%, but not Cage................. that man's tank is at least twice the size as anyone who steps across from him, and it's always full!"

Jondarious White, Childhood Friend

Quote:[brown]"Cage Coleman's a piece of shi--"[/brown]

Jim Cornette (or Billy Blankenship? We couldn't really tell)

Quote:"Cage Coleman has the biggest penis I've EVER seen! I've been with black guys, white guys, Mexicans, Canadians, Indians (both American AND middle eastern), no Asians for obvious reasons, Russians, Spaniards; and NONE OF THEM compared to Cage Coleman. He knows how to wrestle both inside, AND outside, the ring!"

Janie Jameson, "former" Ring Rat


"But don't just take their word for it, afterall, what kind of highlight video would this be without..................... highlights?"

---

As "Boom" by POD plays, we see a reel of, mostly crude, footage consisting of Cage Coleman kneeing various opponents on the independent circuit in the face, timing perfectly with the BOOM!s in the song. During the rest of the chorus, Cage hits his Around the World finisher on a multitude of wrestlers, pinning each of them for the 3 count afterwards. In the middle of this VERY serious montage, an obviously photoshopped pic of Coleman with a massive dick flashes across the screen so quick, you almost wouldn't have known it was ever there. Despite this, the highlights roll on, showcasing the hardcore side of Cage as he connects with The Spiral Driver over and over again onto a variety of different objects; from steel chairs to exploding barbed wire.

---

"Coleman has traveled all over the world, leaving his mark in every country he's competed in............."



JAPAN


ITALY


INDIA


THE MIDDLE EAST

"An international icon, Cage Coleman has beaten some of the best those countries have had to offer."


SUMO SAM


SANTINO UMBRELLA


ABU JABU-AL HAZZIZABUB

"While some people claim to be the best in the world, Cage Coleman PROVES it, both inside the ring AND out."

---

We see a clip of Cage greeting a sick child in a wheelchair, Make-a-Wish banners all over the place.

"I can't believe I'm meeting THE Cage Coleman!"

"Believe it, kid!" Coleman replies with a handshake and million dollar smile, before posing together for a photo.

"Cooper was wondering," the child's mother whispered into Cage's ear. "Would it be possible for you to 'hit him' with an Around the World?"

Coleman looks from mother to child, a heartwarming smile forming on his quivering lips. "Absolutely!"

Cage bends down and lifts the kid up onto his shoulders as he giggles with joy. His mother plays into the whole thing, pretending to be Heather Halliwell calling the 'action'.

"Oh no! Cage Coleman could be looking to finish Cooper the Crusher right here!" she playfully announces.

Rather than connect with a gentler version of his finisher, though, Coleman violently spins Cooper into a NASTY Michinoku Driver that causes his mom to cry out in horror!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"

"Giving him an Around the Worrrrrrld," Cage replies, confused as to why she's so shocked to see him do as he was requested. He turns to one of the Make-a-Wish employees, who ignores him and checks on Cooper as he addresses them. "Can you believe this bitch?"

The Make-a-Wish person looks up at the two of them, face paler than an albino vampire. "He--he's dead!"

---

"Even in the courtroom, nobody can touch the greatness that is Cage Coleman................"

---

We cut to actual court footage of Cage Coleman defending himself against manslaughter charges like he was famous lawyer/pornstar, Johnny Cockring. He's wearing the finest suit money can buy as he approaches the judge with a video cassette.

"Your honor, I have in my hands video evidence that my client was NOT responsible for the victim's death," Cage states in the third person, prompting the child's mother to yell at him from the back of the room.

"HIS NAME WAS COOPER!!!!!"

"Sorry," Coleman apologizes before butchering the kid's name worse than he did his body. "Tooter."

"COOPER!"

Cage ignores the woman, this time, and heads over to one of those TV/VCR carts your teacher used to wheel into the classroom for you to watch Shrek for the day so they could nurse that hangover from the "PTA Meeting" the night before. He pops the tape in, hits the play button, and proceeds to show the entire courtroom the same video footage we had just seen from that fateful day. Following a review of the tape, Cage Coleman proceeds to explain exactly why he should be let off the hook, despite the evidence saying otherwise.

"As you may know, my client is a professional wrestler and, as such, is paid to HURT people for a living. Cage Coleman doesn't pull punches, your honor, in his line of work it'll get you killed! Now, when Tooter's mother.........."

"COOPERRRRRR!!!!!!"

"..............asked my client to deliver his FINISHING MANEUVER to her son, he was under the impression this was a request of mercy......... he believed this was Tooter's WISH! Afterall, isn't dying at the hands of your hero a MUCH better way to go than laying in bed, praying for it all to be over?"

The members of the jury begin deliberating in a positive manner as Coleman continues.

"Now, had Mrs. Tooter asked my client to pretend to give him an Around the World, there is no doubt in my mind that my client probably wouldn't have done it so hard!"

The jury's murmurs get louder and clearer, with the word "innocent" popping up an awful lot as Cage Coleman grabs onto the insight of his suit and nods with confidence. "I rest my case your honor."

The judge takes off his glasses and stands up. "Son, these were just the opening statements." He puts his glasses back on before plopping back into his seat. "But, God dammit, you just made one of the most powerful statements I have EVER seen inside of a courtroom! No amount of evidence could ever convince me that you, sir, are a guilty man."

Cage is now sitting down, in a completely different outfit, celebrating the judge's declaration.

"If anything, we're the guilty ones. For wasting the time, and money, of an innocent man." The judge looks for Coleman to Cooper's mother. "As for you, Mrs. Tooter; you should be ashamed of yourself! Blaming this man for something YOU yourself asked him to do, likely at gun point, I'm sure!"

"BUT, YOU SAW THE VIDEO!!!!!"

"Enough!" the judge ordered with a pound of his gavel. "I hold you in in contempt! Contempt of innocence, contempt of justice, and most importantly, contempt of your son's life!!!" Two guards grab hold of each of Mrs. Cooper's arms and begin dragging her away. "May GOD have mercy on your SOuuuuuuuuuuuul!!!!"

---

"A winner at everything he does, Cage Coleman looks translate his success inside the courtroom, into success inside the squared circle. Wednesday night, Coleman makes his XWF debut in what will not only be Match of the Night, but Match of the YEAR................ at least until his next one!"

"Nobody inside the xtreme lockeroom has what it takes to even compete with the international icon that is Cage Coleman and, if they do, it's only because he LETS them! Afterall, you don't win Match of the Year awards by running through your opponents in thirty seconds!"

"You might be asking yourself, 'random narrator, how do YOU know so much about Cage Coleman?'................"



"Because I AM him!!!!!"

Cage pulls a pipe from out of nowhere and takes a rather large hit of tobacco, before proceeding to hack his lungs out.

"Oh my God!" *cough* Holy shit! *choke* "Cut........" *gag* "CUUUUUUT!!!!!!"



The video package ends, leaving us with a psyched Cage Coleman standing next to a curious Steve Sayors.

"I'm here with the newest member of the XWF roster, Cage Coleman. Now Cage, I.........."

Sayors' words pierced Coleman like a dagger, causing him to stop the interviewer before he'd even began. "Steve................ Steeeeeeeeeeve," Cage blurted out, towering over Sayors in intimidating fashion. "You need to get your facts straight! You can't go around spouting fake news like you work for Fox! This is the XWF! It's the CNN of wrestling! I honestly expected better out of you."

"I........ I'm sorry?"

"Yes, Steve, you are," Coleman reiterated with a nod, his eyes wider than Thad Duke's b-hole. "And you should be! You see, Cage Coleman doesn't sell his soul to anyone. It doesn't matter if you're Buddha or the devil himself, NOBODY owns me! I'm the permanent free agent. I signed up for ONE match, that's it! If this place isn't worth my time, or if their so called 'talent' can't keep up with me, you can be DAMN sure I'll be looking for greener pastures. OCW. OCD. STD. It doesn't matter! I'm not married to my job, Cage Coleman is ALL polyamorous, baby!!!"

Steve Sayors seems a little shocked, unsure how anyone could handle being with multiple women at once, let alone one. "I............ see," Steve stalled, just long enough for him to regroup. "Well, anyway, you'll be having your XWF debut Wednesday night............." Sayors paused to make sure Cage was pleased with his wording this time, receiving a nod of approval in response. "...................against one half of the NEW Tag Team Champions, Mark Flynn. You've got to be concerned about facing someone with THAT much momentum, just two weeks after defeating one of the greatest Tag Teams of all-time."

"You know what concerns me more than the man I'm facing? The one I'm not. You conveniently left out the fact that North Korean War Criminal will be out there, as well. I don't blame you, though, he's obviously not that noticeable; if he WAS, the United States government would've thrown his ass in Antigua Bay by now!"

"Guantanemo," Steve corrected.

"Bless you," Coleman responded before continuing. "One time I was booked in North Korea, this is a true story.............. one time I was booked to compete in North Korea, against the dictator himself, Kim Jong Un; in the Main Event of a little known Pay-Per-View called Korean Freedom. You probably haven't heard of it because it only aired in Korea, North Korea, to be exact.. Now, I was all set and ready to go, when Kim approached me backstage and said he wanted what he called a 'Mike Tyson victory.' At first I thought he was asking me to knock him out in under a minute, turns out it was the other way around. I wanted to say no, but he was flanked by the entire Vietcong army! If I remember right, the War Criminal was there, too! Anyway, not feeling like I had any other choice, I told him I would and he left me to continue my prematch preparations. When match time came, do you know what I did?"

"Took the fall and smoked weed with him and Dennis Rodman?"

"No, we did that before the match," Coleman corrected before giving the supposedly 'real answer. "I packed my shit, snuck on a South Korean spy plane, and got my ass back to America quicker than you can say 'no to drugs'!"

Steve stared at his guest, blankly, before asking him the question we'd all be wondering. "What's that got to do with Mark Flynn?"

Coleman's head shot up, offended that Sayors couldn't see what was all too obvious to him. "His partner's Korean!" Cage looked into the camera and pointed to Steve, though you can't really tell if he's addressing the fans or the cameraman. Possibly both, just as equally possible, neither. "Can you believe this guy?"

Sayors goes to speak, but Coleman stops him.

"But, to answer your original question: no, I'm not concerned. I asked to face someone I can make an immediate impact against, and that's EXACTLY what I got! Sure, it's a guy who needed a distraction in order to win his belt, but us beggars can't always be choosers! I'm just lucky to be facing ANY sort of Champion, even if it IS one that needs someone to watch his back for because he can't do it on his own!"

"Now, wait just a minute, Cage Coleman! Mark Flynn is a decorated Champion who--"

"Who what?!" Coleman blurts out, taking two intimidating steps towards the interviewer. "Won Titles during an Era nobody in XWF DARE speak of? Sold out his country just for another taste of success??? If you can even call what he did back then success, afterall, this IS the guy who won his first World Title by cashing in a briefcase on Tristan Slater of all people!"

Before Cage can continue, Sayors pulls the mic away and gives his own interjection. "And how many World Titles have YOU won?"

"None," Coleman casually replies. "And do you wanna know WHY that is?! Because I don't take the easy way out. I've never cheated, or dropped a match on someone when they were at their most vulnerable............" Cage was blatantly lying but, considering nobody could actually PROVE it, there was nothing Steve Sayors could do besides hold the mic and soak up th information like a misled Korean. "I don't need distractions and I CERTAINLY don't need no manager or Tag Team partner! Did you know Cage Coleman's never competed in a Tag Match before, Steve?"

"I did not."

"It's true!" Cage fibbed. "Just like a strong independent black woman, I don't need NO man! Or woman, since apparently y'all let the sandwich makers compete with the bread winners."

"I'm not sure you can say that, Cage," a nervous Sayors points out.

"I'm not worried about it," Coleman arrogantly responds. "Afterall, Mark Flynn's the most hated man in wrestling! No matter what I say, they'll still cheer for ME over my opponent. I could shit on their mama and they'd STILL love me more than him. Funny thing is, by the time our, soon to be classic, showdown is over, they'll be giving BOTH us assholes a standing ovation!"

"For some reason, I highly doubt that."

"Doubt me all you want, Steve," a confident Coleman shrugs. "I've been around the block, I know what these fans want, and it's certainly NOT Mark Flynn."

"Well, I can't argue with THAT........."

"No you can't," Cage concurs with a slap to the back. "He robbed one of the greatest Tag Teams of all-time, in one of the biggest scandals since the 2020 election!"

"But there wasn't a scandal, Cage," Steve Sayors pointed out. "At least, not the election."

Coleman was offended. "Typical liberal bullshit!" he literally spit at Steve. "Trump got screwed, and so did the Bastards! Mark Flynn is the Sleepy Joe of XWF! Just watch his promos, you KNOW someone else wrote that shit for him; and they're more incoherent the alleged President, too!"

"Have you ever even watched a Mark Flynn promo?" Sayors asked out of curiosity.

"No, Steve, can't say I have," an airheaded Coleman responds, receiving a facepalm from the reporter. "Why WOULD I watch my opponents' promos?! All that matters is what happens inside the ring, the rest is just mind games! What am I gonna learn from a promo, Steve? That my opponents know fancy words?! I know fancy moves; you tell ME which one's gonna win you a match! Go ahead, Steve, tell me!"

".........................fancy moves."

"EXACTLY!" Cage emphasizes, before turning to the camera and addressing his Warfare opponent directly. "And I've got an entire arsenal full of 'em, Mark! You're good, I'll give you that, but so are the Iowa Hawkeyes. Every year they win more games than they lose and, every once in a while, win a big game that keeps their fanbase happy long enough to overlook the bad. Them No Good Bastards were your Penn State, Flynn, now it's time to meet your Purdue! Dont get me wrong,, I'm not saying your bottom of the barrel talent, or even average; but to put you up there with the Georgia's and Alabama's of the world is a bit of a stretch. That belt you hold is a #18 ranking, an Alamo Bowl appearance, and an eventual loss to a team you had no business playing in the FIRST place. That team is Cage Coleman. While you flirt with greatness, I AM greatness! Great matches, great mic skills, there isn't a person in ANY lockeroom that even comes close!!! I can make money, do interviews, bang groupies, win matches, and be home by nine! As for you, Mark Flynn, you'll be lucky if the hospital releases you within nine MONTHS after the beating I'm gonna put on you Wednesday night! So you better bring your A game because, if you don't, you're gonna get that A kicked!!! Cage Coleman out!"

Cage shoves the microphone into Sayors' chest before letting out a nasty burp and walking out of the shot.

"Well, you're certainly not gonna want to miss the debut of Cage Coleman Wednesday night on Warfare," Steve spoke professionally before muttering one last thing to himself as he walks off set. "I hate this guy MORE than Mark Flynn.............."