All this broken glass reminds me of home....

Charlie steps nimbly over the shards of glass littering the floor of the narrow hallway. He has one hand against the wall to steady himself as he shakes his head at the broken and boarded up windows.

It’s a shame she couldn’t take care of this house with her busy schedule. Maybe if she had been a better housewife I might have put a ring on it. It looks like she hasn’t swept these floors since I busted those windows out twenty years ago.

Charlie stepped past the broken glass and through a short doorway that he had to duck to pass under. The camera follows as Charlie walks into a seemingly abandoned kitchen. Charlie wipes his fingers across the chipped countertop causing a wave of dust to fly into the air. The Nickleman chuckles as he walks over the tarnished tiles on the floor towards the browning refrigerator tucked away in the corner.

Let’s see what we have here….maybe Mrs. Gonzalez kept something good for me after all these years.

As Charlie opens the fridge an abundance of cockroaches scurry out from the old appliance. The camera zooms in on a collection of expired deli meats and corona bottles covered in cockroaches sitting on the shelf. Charlie pays the bugs no mind as he reaches into the parasite’s den and pulls out one of the beer bottles.

She was always one to think ahead….well, with one night of notable exception. Heh, I don’t know why she trusted me to use a condom.

Charlie slammed the refrigerator door shut before shaking most of the roaches off of his beer bottle. Charlie cracks open the warm beer. He tosses the twist-off top onto the ground before swiftly chugging the entire bottle of corona.

BLAGH!

Charlie chucks the bottle of beer against the refrigerator, causing it to shatter upon impact.

That fucking bitch. That was disgusting. This is why I could never marry that masked harlot. Connie always knew to keep them cold, no matter how late I was getting home. So what if it took me twenty years to get a pack of cigarettes? If she really loved me she would’ve been here waiting….or at least she could’ve paid to keep the lights on so the beer wouldn’t go bad!

This is why she was nothing more than a vacation fling. I couldn’t leave Connie and my country just for some strange I found at a wrestling camp. So what if she was pregnant? She got around with every guy at the camp, who even knows if I’d be the father! I’m not a bad person for going back to my Connie. No way! A family man always goes back home when he’s done with his business.

Charlie nods confidently to himself as he walks over to the circular table positioned against the wall. Charlie pulls out one of the four chairs seated around the table and takes a seat. Once seated he leans forward and blows a billow of dust off of the tabletop.

Any one of us could have been the father. I don’t know why she pointed L-S-M in the direction of Charmos…..really, she looks a lot more like Juan than like Charmos! Right? Yeah, that sounds right….

Charlies places his forearms on the table as he shifts his weight forward.

I don’t have time to look after a kid right now, anyways. I still need to find the bastard who shot me! If it wasn’t Dick Powers, then that fucker might still be out there somewhere, watching….

Charlie slowly turns his head around as he inspects his surroundings. Charlie squints into the shadows around the house until he is content that he is alone.

We lived here with El Drago MiNutzak and Culo-Kicker, so who knows if I’m the only one that was tapping that! So what her and I rented this place out for a few extra weeks after camp to get some alone time? She probably did that with the trainers before camp, too! I mean if she’s fucking me, who isn’t she fucking? So I can’t be the father.

Charlie nods in agreement with his own assertions before stepping up from the table.

They all probably had her on this table like I did. Maybe not as many times, but so what? That doesn’t matter.

Charlie turns away from the table and begins walking towards another doorway. The camera follows behind as Charlie steps into what appears to be a living room. A couch and a few chairs covered in cobwebs are all that remain in this abandoned home. Charlie turns to his left and begins to ascend a staircase attached to the side of the wall.

JESUS CHRISTO!

Charlie only takes a few steps before one of the stairs cracks and gives in beneath his weight. Charlie pulls his leg out of the newly formed hole with an equally exasperated and disgusted sigh.

I thought Mexicans were supposed to be great builders? What the fuck is this shitty...agh, fuck it. If Vita can do it, surely I can too. She’s not special just because she let Sarah Lacklan bite her. I would’ve let Sarah Lacklan bite me, too!

Charlie crouched down and lept all the way to the next floor! He soared right above all the dusty steps before landing perfectly on his feet!

Damn...that’s really not hard at all! It took Vita vampire powers just to be able to jump really high? Hah. She should have been on the Nickles nutrition diet.

Charlie looked around at the upstairs hallway he now found himself in. A boarded up but intact glass window prevented any sunlight from getting into the long and narrow hallway. There were three shut doors on either side of the hall. Charlie stepped forward a few feet and opened the first door on his right.

Just like I remember it.

Charlie inhaled deeply as clouds of floating dust escaped from the room.

My old room. Boy those days at camp were fun!

As Charlie opens the door fully we are able to see a deflated air mattress with a few pillows and blankets laying flat underneath a boarded up window. A few used condoms and empty beer bottles are scattered across the soiled carpet.

I took everything with me when I left that bitch though. There’s nothing in here to see.

Charlie turned away from his old room, shutting the door behind him without any hesitation. The aged wrestler walked across the hall and opened the first door on the left.

Nutsacko’s old accommodations. Let’s see if he left us any clues. He always was a player. He could easily be the father.

Charlie opened the door and stepped into a seemingly empty room. Charlie took a few steps forward and looked around. He put his hand on his beard and stroked his chin thoughtfully.

I guess he took me seriously when I said I wanted all of his shit gone before I got back….but maybe he left something in the closet.

Charlie stepped towards two half doors in the corner and pulled them open.

Empty.

Charlie shut the doors of the closet and marched out of the room.

That stupid fucking prick could have at least left me something to frame him with. He always was an asshole.

Charlie quickly proceeded to the next door on the left. He turned the handle and stepped into the room briskly. As Charlie opens the door we see a room decorated with vampire posters on every wall. Dracula, Blade, Nosferatu- all the classic characters have a poster or two or three on the walls. Charlie shakes his head in disgust as he steps into the room.

Juan always loved his fucking vampires, but he hated From Dusk Til Dawn cause it was too racist? What a narcissist. I always fucking hated the guy, and I’m sure she would have fucked him after I left her ass just to piss me off. And he did always say he wanted to be a father….

Charlie glances briefly at the empty mattress sitting on a rusted bed frame. His eyes drift over to the nightstand near the bed, and then back up to the cringey vampire posters.

Fucking vampires. Yeah, they suck alright. They can’t go out to the stripclub during the day. They can’t be exposed to garlic. They can’t be near holy symbols. Fire makes them shit their pants. They have to dress like sexy little dykes, or maybe that’s just Vita’s special twist. Either way vampire’s have so many damn weaknesses I am fully willing to believe they are and always have been real….they’re just not a very big deal! Almost no one dies from vampires, because vampires are weak little pussies with a negative kill-to-death ratio! I could probably even kill a vampire just by accident. Heh.

You know, Juan used to tell me that vampires got stronger based on the blood they drank. I think that myth tracks perfectly to the frailness of real life vampires. Vampires are too weak to feed off the Marfs and Charlies of the world- that much has been made obvious. Just like Vita, they’re forced to feed off of back alley bums and street dealers. I wouldn’t be surprised if Vita picks up a nasty crack addiction from some of that dealer blood she’s been drinking. Nastier than mine! What new special powers is Vita going to gain from that bad blood? She’s already a fiend!

Charlie chuckles at his own pun before shaking his head from side to side. He walks over towards the bed and takes a seat on it.

Fuck this is uncomfortable. No wonder she always wanted to come to my bed and not his. Now let’s see if he’s got anything stashed away in here…

Charlie opens up the drawer of the nightstand and reaches into it blindly.

Oh, what’s this?

Charlie pulls out the first object his hand touches and brings it up to his face. He squints begrudgingly at a pamphlet from a Catholic Vocational School. He tosses the pamphlet over his shoulder with disgust before reaching back into the nightstand. Charlie pulls his hand out of the nightstand with a raised eyebrow. His fingers are wrapped around a golden cross necklace.

This might actually be handy to have for my match.

Charlie places the golden necklace around his neck before tucking the cross under his shirt. Once the defensive jewelry is adorned Charlie reaches back into the drawer, only to find that it is empty. Charlie shrugs his shoulders before stepping off the bed.

You got anything else for me, Juan, huh?

Charlie looks around the room before he decides to open the closet doors. Charlie pulls the two half doors open before nodding his head in absolute disgust.

You dress like a fucking scumbag. Who would want to fuck somebody that dresses like Vanilla Ice? This won’t help my case at all.

Charlie turns away from the closet full of outdated clothing and apparel before stopping and looking back at the closet.

But why the hell did Juan leave all his clothes here? He spent most of his money on that hideous shit! And this necklace is awfully fancy…

Charlie touches the golden cross beneath his shirt with a bewildered look on his face.

Something’s not adding up here, but fuck it, I was never a mathematstatiscianthing.

Charlie merely shrugs as he goes to step back out into the hallway. Charlie steps through the doorway, closing the door behind him. As the door latches shut a small giggle may have been heard from behind the walls. Charlie cocked his ear to the side as he squinted at the door. A few silent moments went by before Charlie shook his head from side to side and walked over to the door across the hall. Charlie reaches down and turns the handle to the side as he pushes the door open.

Agggggh smells like shit! And blood!

Charlie quickly closes the bathroom door as he covers his nose.

Fucking gross!

Charlie walks down the hall towards the last door on the right. The wooden floorboards creek softly beneath his shifting weight. He leans forward and opens the door. He steps into the room and sensually inhales the stagnant air.

Ahhhhhhh. Her room. Smells just like it did when I left.

Charlie pushes the door fully open and walks towards the empty wooden bed frame placed against the wall. Half-eaten protein bars and mostly empty sodas from decades ago sit still atop the nightstand near the bed. Multicolor drapes hang from the boarded up windows in a red, green, and white pattern. Charlie opens up the nightstand and pulls out a rectangular booklet that is absolutely covered in dust.

It’s still here….

Charlie holds the laminated paper booklet firmly in his hands as he blows the dust off the cover. The camera zooms in on the booklet. The smiling faces of a handful of people adorn the cover of the book set in front of a blue background. White lettering atop the booklet reads ‘El segundo campamento anual de lucha fronteriza!’. Charlie haphazardly flips through the pages of the booklet as a soft smile stretches across his face.

Ahhhh the good old days at the Mexican wrestling camp. That place was the original school of hard knocks. Vita Valentina couldn’t cut it there, not even as a vampire! Not even if she sucked dry each and every one of the trainers! Only the toughest of the tough were allowed to train in that ring. Robyn’s mother was definitely among the toughest of the tough- but Vita? No way!

Vita Valenteen is the definition of a paper champion. Yeah, her reign technically gets recorded in the annals of history- but nobody thinks ‘champion’ when they look at Vita. Nobody feels awe inspired when they stare at her empty waist. When people look at Vita they just feel pity. They just feel second-hand embarrassment for those worthless championship reigns she seems so fond of.

And paper, baby….well, paper burns. And the Vita-Vamp seems to be made of nothing. but. paper. All it will take for me to end her is one flick of a match. It’s almost too simple, too easy….but at the end of the day vampires really do just suck and it doesn’t take a whole lot to beat them.

It took a lot more to beat Robyn’s mama. Beat her real good, in fact. The pussy, mind you- never the face. She was too sweet for that. But still….look at all these other guys!

Charlie points to the variety of faces on the cover of the booklet.

Any of them could be the father. It’s hard to say without any testing, but some of these other guys sure do look a whole lot like L-S-M! She’s probably going to want to see this.

Charlie tucked the booklet into his waistband and turned around to inspect the bedroom’s closet. As Charlie opened the doors to the closet he encountered nothing but emptiness.

Damn, she must have taken everything with her….she could have at least left me some dirty panties to sniff! It’s a hell of a long drive from shithole, Ohio to shithole, Mexico!

Charlie slammed the closet doors in frustration before briskly walking towards the door. Before Charlie stepped through the doorway he took one more deep inhalation of the stagnant air in the bedroom.

Ahhh it still smells like fuck-sesh in here. You can never get the pussy juice out of the carpet.

Charlie grinned like a dog as he walked out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Charlie’s smile only faded once he tried to open the last door at the end of the hall. The knob wouldn’t budge.

What the…

Charlie tried to open the door a few more times to no avail.

Well, fuck it. I got what I came for. Nothing cool ever happened in that room anyways.

Charlie shrugged before heading down the long and narrow hallway shrouded in darkness. Charlie grabbed a box of matches from out of his back pocket. As Charlie neared the staircase he opened up the matchbox and pulled out a stick. Charlie struck the wood against the starter strip on the box, smiling as a bright flame was birthed.

I have all I need from this little home away from home. I don’t think anyone else needs to come here and desecrate my old stomping ground, and Lord knows I’ve no reason to come back here now that the old hag is dying….bombs away, boys.

Charlie dropped the matchstick onto the dusty carpet. The flame immediately took to the dust and the fiber. Charlie quickly stormed down the stairs, careful to jump over the broken step. As Charlie got to the bottom of the staircase he looked back up and grinned in satisfaction as he saw the flames eating away the panels on the upstairs walls.

A couple more couldn’t hurt…

Charlie quickly struck a few more matches and threw them onto the furniture in the living room. The once quiet house roared to life as the fire began to spread rapidly. Charlie charged through the house and out the backdoor with haste. He ran twenty or so yards from the abandoned camp accommodations before turning back around to look at his handiwork.

Beautiful, beautiful….hey, this gives me an idea for my match....

Charlie looks down at his matchbox with a sick grin as the flames devour the house in the background. A sickening screech is heard from inside the house before one of the boarded up windows on the second floor falls to the ground. A burning bat flies out of the empty window panel, soaring high in the sky for a few seconds…..before being charred to ash.

Was that a-....no way…..they don’t have those in Mexico, right?