Warning: The Following Promo May Have Been Video Edited
A bunch of sumo guys are standing on the deck of the USS Intrepid in New York City. We’re talking retired yokozunas, here. These fat fucks are at minimum four bills. The biggest one looks like he might have eaten an entire Wendy’s right before showing up to the aircraft carrier.
Near the herd of rolly pollies is none other than Freddy Fabulous, dressed to the nines in a tuxedo with tails - completely encrusted with glittering sequins. All gold.
Freddy has a hot mic in his hand as he walks around the deck of the Intrepid, inviting all onlookers to take their turn trying to body slam any of the sumos.
Freddy Fabulous: “Come one, come all! Step right up and test your strength! These men are pure bred, rice fed, and were delivered via flat bed. The most immovable human beings ever seen. You sir! Right there! You look like a man who isn’t used to failing at lifting things up and putting them back down!”
A man in the front of the crowd wearing a Tapout shirt but with decidedly average arm definition seems surprised about being pointed out specifically.
Freddy Fabulous: “Don’t be shy young man! You’ve got the bone structure of an ox! Surely you can reach deep into the crevice between the legs of the Hawaiian Heavyweight MAUNA LOA here, and lift him into the sky! GET READY!”
Freddy shoves the man up to a large Pacific Islander who snarls in response.
Freddy Fabulous: “GET SET!”
The man bends at the back and sticks his arm between Loa’s THICK thighs.
Freddy Fabulous: “LIFT!”
The poor guy, clearly never having read a safety manual in his life, tries to hoist Mauna Loa up. A sound like a giant zipper being pulled apart sounds as the guy’s lower back crackles and pops.
The man falls to the floor whimpering as Mauna Loa steps back with a grin.
Freddy Fabulous: “Another one bites the dust! For HOURS we have awaited someone to uproot one of these earthbound golems. All have failed! The mighty Mauna Loa never so much as lifted one size eighteen foot from the deck of this legendary ship! The Bengali Behemoth to my right, Nanda Devi, has stood stoic and still like the heads on Easter Island! And none of you… NONE of you… have even shown the TESTICULAR FORTITUDE to step up to the plate and attempt the biggest and baddest of them all… BIG PREESH!”
Freddy stands back with an arm open wide as Big Preesh, wearing nothing but a sumo diaper, steps in front of him. Preesh is nearly twice the size of the Indian man Freddy had referred to a moment earlier, and definitely looks even bigger than the 650 listed on his official XWF roster.
Preesh slaps his big man tiddies and roars to the crowd of people gawking at him.
Big Preesh: “AYYY come get ya some, Y’ALLZZZZZZ. Ain’t no party like a Big Preesh party ‘cause a Big Preesh party don’t STOP! Ya dig? Ain’t none of you little ankle biters out HURR got the sauce needed to lift Preeshy up off this here boat! You wanna prove me wrong, SON? Don’t SING it… BRING it!”
Freddy Fabulous: “You heard the man! Challenge him! Is there a single testicle anywhere in this crowd of eunuchs? Can’t there be a MAN among this throng of prepubescent limpwrists? CAN’T ANYONE LIFT THE UNLIFTABLE???”
A hard cut after Freddie exclaims this and suddenly we see footage of a helicopter flying through the air. The theme from Thunder in Paradise plays, obviously dubbed over the video.
The chopper swirls in the air and hovers over the ocean for a few moments, sending a spray of sea water every which way.
Another hard cut and we are back to Freddy on the deck of the Intrepid - now with “Dangerous” Dave Mustang and Johnny “Twisted” Steele standing beside him. We can’t see the chopper anywhere, but it’s probably just out of the shot. No one would lie about a helicopter!
Freddy Fabulous: “Dave! Johnny! What in the world are you two doing here???”
Freddy’s jaw drops and he claps his hands on either side of his face like that kid from Home Alone before he got hooked on pain pills and truck stop snatch. Mustang, wearing the classic “three wolves howling at the moon” tee shirt that lets everyone know you are NOT the one to be fucked with, steps up to Freddy and points with one of his leather gloved hands.
’Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Listen up daddy, you wanted the best, you GOT the best! Me and the man of STEELE heard what was going on with all these fatboys, and it got us to thinking… HMMMM… we got us a tag team match at XWF Relentless against those rotten stinky chumps the Japanese CAN’T Connection, and one of those suckers is a hefty bag full of DOG CRAP named Kyoto Babadook or something dumb like that! That’s a fella weighing a good couple pounds, so I figure how about we fly on up from Daytona Beach and get our hands dirty to show Ricky and Kobe what’s in store! Johnny’s been itching to slam some fat meat to the ground for weeks, ain’t ya been, Jay?”
Johnny Steele snatches the mic from Mustang and starts hollering into it, spittling and frothing all the way. His black tank top reads UNVAXXED UNWAXXED AND READY TO CLIMAXX in big white block letters.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “YOU KNOW THAT’S RIGHT DANGEROUS! EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY SINCE WAR GAMES I BEEN LOSING SLEEP BECAUSE I’M HAVING WET DREAMS ABOUT THE NEXT TIME I GET TO KNUCKLE UP ON THESE TWO CLOWNS RICK GOLDFARB AND KOOTCHIE YAMAMOTO! YOU SEE WHAT YOU TWO LILY LIVERED ESS OH BEES DON’T RECOGNIZE IS THAT ME AND DAVE HERE WE’RE THE BEST OF THE BEST, THE CREAM OF THE CROP, THE TIPPY TIP TOP, AND WE AIN’T NEVER GONNA STOP! NOT UNTIL YOU COUPLE OF MOM JEAN WEARING ARUGULA EATING DOUBLE MASK WEARING CUCKSHEEP ARE KNOCKED THE HECK OUT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A WRESTLING RING COURTESY OF US TWO BOSS HOGS! I’M GONNA SLAM THAT PILE OF RICE PUDDING YODA HYUNDAI RIGHT ONTO HIS FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS! TELL ‘EM DANGEROUS!”
’Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL you heard what the man said! What you’ve got right here is five hundred pounds of WROUGHT IRON! Twisted steel, sex appeal, the Disintigrators are the real deal, JACK! And when Big Johnny drops Buddha on his backside, I’ll be right there ready to send Goldfinger OVER THE EDGE with my golden gloves hand speed! Check it, punk!”
Mustang dances around shadowboxing for a second, twirling his fists in the air and bobbing and weaving.
’Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “So how do you like me NOW, Ricky? That right there was what it looks like when a heavyweight throws a lightning quick uppercut, JACK! You know what happens when this FIST meets that origami napkin you call a chin, Ricky? You fall down go boom, bitch! Nighty night, sleep tight!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “DON’T LET THE FREAKIN’ BED BUGS BITE! HAHAHAHA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT, DANGE! THESE TWO PILES OF HORSE MANURE AIN’T GOT THE STONES TO GO FACE TO FACE WITH US TWO CERTIFIED ROAD GRADERS! WE’RE A COUPLE OF FREAKIN’ HOG MOLLIES OUT HERE READY TO CHEW UP ASPHALT AND SPIT OUT FIRE! KOMODO MONTESSORI I’M TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW, BOY! YOU WOKE UP THE SLEEPING DOGS WHEN YOU SHOULDA LET ‘EM LIE! NOW THESE JUNK YARD DOGS ARE READY TO FIGHT! I DON’T WANNA HEAR NO PISSBABY CYIN’ AFTER WE KNOCK YOUR EYES CROOKED NEITHER! YOU BEST BE READY KOKOMO, I AIN’T A WRESTLER FOR A LIVING BECAUSE OF MY CHARMING PERSONALITY AND POLITE DEMEANOR, JACK! I’M IN THE RING FOR THIRTY-ODD YEARS BECAUSE PUTTIN’ THE HURT TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND PRETTYBOY RICKY G COMES NATURALLY TO A BACK ALLEY BULLY LIKE ME! IT’S TIME TO GET REAL FUNKY LIKE A MONKEY AND DROP KOBRAKAI MACCHIATO ON HIS CHUNKY JUNKY! THIS IS HOW WE PUT BUTTS IN SEATS OVER HERE IN AMERICA, JACK! I EAT RED WHITE AND BLUE AND I CRAP BALD EAGLES, JACK! AND AT RELENTLESS I’M GONNA SEND YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASS BACK TO THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN! FIRST THING’S FIRST THOUGH FREDDY FAB’S GONNA STRIP BITCH TITS BLANKENSHIP DOWN TIL HE’S BUTT-ASS NAKED AND THEN SPANK HIM RAW DOG! RAW DOG! NOW SIT BACK AND WATCH THE SHOW JAPARICANS BECAUSE IT’S SLAM JAMMIN’ TIME!!!”
’Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “You get it done, Twisted!”
Johnny Steele steps up in front of Big Preesh and flexes his arms. Preesh towers over him and practically blocks out the sun. When he takes a step to the side, the Intrepid nearly capsizes.
Freddy Fabulous: “Ladies and other ladies, we’ve arrived at the moment of truth! The man made of rebar himself, Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele, is going to attempt the impossible! He’s going to try to move a literal mountain! To turn back the tides! To lift the weight of the world right onto his shoulders! John, after you!”
Freddy steps away and Johnny gets into position. He bends at the knees and reaches for Big Preesh… and then the scene blinks out to black!
We hear a loud CRASH but can’t see a thing!
A second passes, and then the picture resumes… showing Big Preesh flat on his back and Johnny Steele waving a full sized American flag on a pole over his head!
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “USA! USA! USA! USA!”
Freddy Fabulous: “Good god! The man did it! He did it! Tell me you got it on camera! Tell me this momentous occasion in the history of gravity and physics will be witnessed forevermore in classrooms across the nation! Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele just uprooted a redwood tree and flipped it over like he was tossing a coin to decide which member of the Can-Jap Connection to concuss first. How is this vessel still afloat? Send out a warning to the Western coast of Europe, a tsunami is on its way courtesy of THE DISINTIGRATORS!”
’Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “I tried to tell ‘em, Freddy, I tried! Now those two ugly GOOFS got no choice but to draw straws and see which one of ‘em gets put to sleep first in the Windy City! Ricky, you wanna walk in that ring first and add a few new lumps to that knotted up dome you got sitting on your shoulders, punk? Be my EFFIN guest! But let’s put a little wager on the line, shinebox… I got something right here…”
Dave finds a duffel bag on the deck next to his feet and leans over, unzipping it and pulling out a bright blue cape with a hood.
’Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “We beat you… and we WILL beat you, Ricky! When we beat you then you agree to wear these little pajamas to the ring for SIX MONTHS! Bet you don’t got the peas and carrots to agree to a stipulation like that! Not against the man with the most DANGEROUS abs in the business! Show ‘em what I’m talking about, ‘Balls Of!’”
Dave Mustang lifts his three wolf moon shirt up over his belly and stands in a wide stance as Johnny Steele lifts a plank of wood that was conveniently nearby.
Without even a warmup, Johnny swings for the fences with the plank and it smashes to bits against Dave Mustang’s midsection, which immediately begins to turn bright red.
Dave’s eyes water and he stands still and silent for a long, long time before he finally speaks again in a strained voice.
’Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Didn’t hurt! You two jokers are DOOMED, boys! Whattaya say we send these fans home happy Johnny?”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “LET’S DO THE DAMN THING DANGEROUS! WOO!”
The following 3 users Like The Disintigrators's post:3 users Like The Disintigrators's post "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (09-25-2021), JimCaedus (09-24-2021), Theo Pryce (09-25-2021)
Oh shit! Hater alert! The following 1 user Hates The Disintigrators's post!1 user Hates The Disintigrators's post Billy B. Blankenship (09-24-2021)
![[-]](https://xwf99.com/images/portal2/collapse.gif)
The following 3 users Like The Disintigrators's post:
