Our little plan to knockover Gal Capone's hooch vendor had sent a message. Now Corio was pushin' up daisies and everything had come up roses. If ya count that fake tough, the tomato-squashin' stooge Marfio, that's two less mugs for the chopper squad.
The numbers had seen fit to sympathize with our cause once they gave the lav a proper up and down; Capone could be hurt, and we were just the muscle to do it. Once clammed-up and terrified of retribution, now the dope started spillin' like a drunk Dolly sowin' discord. Now we knew exactly where to go for our next heist, to the great white north where an incoming shipment 'a eighteenish-aged young boys was set to cross the border into Minnesota don'tcha know...and Capone's very own bookkeeper, the guardian of Gal's secrets, would be there.
Truth be told, we were already IN Minnesota astride mighty steeds peepin' for the transport and we'd enlisted the aid of Captain Hozer and his mounties to-
Does he normally do this, 'ey?
Jim- er, Jellyous, you're chinning that inner monologue out loud you lunatic.
Just tryna make sure everyone's all caught up with the storyline, Drewski. Take it from there, Cap.
Right. We mounties shall take a position on the opposite side of the border bridge and await the signal from Mr. Ness. Once we have been given the signal, we shall advance on the transport and we shall take them by surprise from the rear... To Ness. And surprise as you know, 'ey, is half the battle.
Someone tell Charlie Nickles.
Now Captain, first of all, Dolly "Gal Capone" Waters is more than familiar with surprises in the rear- she not only enjoys them, she perpetrates them -so they may be expecting it.
And second, yeah, surprise is half the battle but y'know what? MANY things are half the battle...
Winning is half the battle, losing is half the battle-
-knowing is half the battle.
Thank you Flint, exactly. You and the Joes won't be needed by the way, you're dismissed. To the Mountie Captain. So you see Captain Hozer, many things are half the battle. Let's focus on what is ALL the battle.
But you listed three things, that's 150%, not counting "surprise" which kicks it up to 200% 'ey.
Shut up and let the idiot speak.
Derisive. Canadians.
Right? Psh. Betsy and Rob high five.
Addressing the small army in attendance. Alright gentlemen and lady, let's fuck Capone 'til herhis nose bleeds!
Hootin' and hollerin', the mounties urge their horses onward and gallop across the bridge spanning the US/Canadian border, taking their hiding position behind a REALLY big conveniently placed rock. And none too soon...
...as the truck bearing the gunsel shipment appears approaching from the north, a Capone gang Rolls Royce rolling up to the bridge from the south. The two vehicles meet on the bridge, Capone's bookkeeper hopping out of the Rolls to exchange paperwork with the Canadian smugglers. Why paperwork and records are being kept of illicit dealings is beyond anyone with half a brain but hey, The Unmentionables aren't gonna let this golden ticket take flight.
RL Aurelio, the bookkeeper, signs the delivery receipt. Everything seems to be in order. Are the gunsels properly submissive and slutty boys?
Oh sure 'ey, as slutty as you want.
Excellent, Gal Capone demands the sluttiest of boys-
::POW::
A gunshot.
Aurelio and the truck driver both turn their attention to the Canadian Cavalry currently crushing the scenery between their respective positions, headed straight for the bridge at top speed while firing their no-reload-necessary pistols into the air at nothing in particular.
Aw man, just like Gal suspected would happen. You double-crossing Canadians want the money AND the gunsels! Pulls a weapon and aims at the truck driver.
Raising his hands. Oh 'ey, hey now, we didn't-
Aurelio drills him in the eye. Like, RIGHT perfectly in the eye, it's crazy. Neato! Speaking to a currently unidentified person still in the Rolls. Hey, breeze outta the heat and get into the truck! We gotta get outta here!
Over with The Unmentionables, ALSO hiding behind a conveniently placed rock, though not as big-
What- the SHIT are they doin'!? I didn't give no signal!
Canadians.
Right?? Psh. High five.
What the hell, we all gotta die of something.
FUCK that!
GOONIES
NEVER
SAY
DIE!
We're The UNMENTIONABLES goddammit! This is gonna be a cinch!
CHAAAAAAAAARGE!!
---An hour and a lotta deaths later, in a conveniently placed cabin just to the right of the battlefield and bridge...---
Yeesh, that was a lot tougher than I expected it to be.
Gee Jellyous, maybe we should've let the Joes lend a paw.
Yeah, Capone's trigger men made short work of the Mounties and the Mounties accidentally ventilated all the gunsels.
Canadians.
Right? Psh. High five.
Lighting a cigar. The cameraman got smoked.
What?? Floyd!? The guy who's been filmin' our promos since the days of Ax3 is dead!? Floyd's _DEAD_!?
Yep.
Grabs Rob by the shoulders dramatically. Now listen closely, this is VERY important...did he at least get the shots? We only had the budget for the one action scene, we axed the damn train station showdown for this, TELL me he got the shots.
Nope.
So NONE of that battle was captured on film!?
Yep. Nope.
...So the part where I galloped up on my horse and jumped up on top of the saddle to stand and unload on those five wops with my tommy gun before jumpin' off with a backflip right before my horse sped off a cliff and inexplicably exploded on impact below the instant I landed and posed and dropped that combo Tropic Thunder/Die Hard "Yippee kaiyay, I'm a lead farmer muthafucka!" line AIN'T. ON. FILM!?
None of that happened Jim.
Fuck you talkin' about? Yeah it did.
It most certainly did not.
You're literally sitting on your horse right now.
Jim's steed farts.
How'd you even grab Rob by the shoulders while on a horse?
Uh, DUH, Drew, as you can plainly see I'm a short guy on a pony- which is a little horse -and Rob is a giant. And anyway, I was just makin' a point to DOLLY how pathetic it is to tell a lie EVERYONE knows IS in fact a lie.
Jim's horse shits.
Aw, oh, no, why!?
Dammit Jim, why are you on a horse INDOORS?
To...uh...make a point to DOLLY that-
SHUT UP!
Lone survivor of his cavalry unit. MISTER Ness...I do NOT approve of your contrived comedic methods.
Okay, okay! Rides his pony out the front door and returns on foot. Alright, so what do we have?
Well, everyone is pretty much kaput but we managed to take Aurelio the bookkeeper, AND the stooge trying to take the truck, prisoner. Betsy motions to them both, cuffed and seated on the couch.
We also got our mitts on some real mazuma; Gal Capone's personal files. Priceless.
I'd say that's a win. Ha! Who needs G.I. Joe? Can I see those files?
Drew hands Jellyous Capone's Jem & The Holograms trapper keeper. The word
SEEKRITS
has been scribbled across the cover.
Jellyous opens and flips through the pages, getting increasingly agitated. The fuck? This shit's all in spanish!!
Snorts. You can't speak spanish?? Gimme that. Rips the files from Jellyous Jim's hands and studies it.
Drawn in, amazed by Drew's ability. So what's it say?
I dunno, I can't read spanish.
Staring at Drew for several moments before raising his fists. ............Pick two.
One, two. Drew nut-checks Jim twice. Knucklehead. Nyuk nyuk.
I can read it señor.
All eyes pin to stooge #2 on the couch next to Aurelio, who replies, Can it ya rat.
Jellyous strides over and lifts stooge #2 by the shirtfront off the couch and to her feet. You can read spanish? You can translate those files??
Si señor. But will I? I think not. Jajajajajajajaja! Aurelio smiles in relief, then cockiness. Cock.
Oh NO!? You're fuckin' with a GANGSTA here bitch!
Muscles stooge #2 out the front door and positions her against the window so Aurelio can see it all.
Isn't this supposed to be your scene Drew?
Let him have his fun. He had to be Obi Jim Caedobi in the last one.
Spill!
¡No!
Oh yeeeeeeeeah!?
A scuffle can be heard, a struggle...
Now SPILL!! ... What's wrong, can't talk with a gun in your butthole!?
Please señor, it is very uncomfortable.
A shove. IZZIT!?
Si señor...uh...mooch-oh uncomforta..bolio?
I'll give you 'til the count 'a THREE to talk and then I'ma give you a lead colonic, 💯!
Please, this is unnecessary, I'll tell you everything.
From inside the cabin. Hey!
ONE!
One!? Hey, I said I would tell you everything!
TW-
::BLAM!!::
GAAAAAAAAAAAASP!
Serves her right.
Oh shit.
Nice going Jellyous, NOW who's going to translate those files?
Uh- SHE will! She's still alive, it was a near miss! Attempting to prop stooge #2's lifeless body back up against the window.
Near miss? You had your pistol up her ass.
A FLESHWOUND, it's a FLESHWOUND! The angle was just right to, like- Abandons the explanation and successfully props the corpse back up. Uh HUH, SEE? And still as tight lipped as ever! Now SPILL!
Puppets the body. I will not!
Then you leave me no CHOICE! This time the gun's in your MOUTH missy!
Onetwothree!
::BLAM!!::
Brains splatter through the shattered window. Betsy, Drew, Rob and Captain Hozer all turn away in disgust.
Well, she's definitely dead NOW-
You ready to talk!?
All heads and eyes turn back to Jellyous with dropped jaw "wtf if he doing" expressions.
Or do I hafta put ANOTHER lug in you!?
Is he serious?
Facepalm. I just don't know anymore.
"Let him have his fun" you said.
::BLAM!!::
::BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!! CLICK CLICK::
Jellyous Jim shakes the now mostly headless corpse. SPILL GOD DAMN YOU! A bit of brains falls onto the cabin floor through the shattered window right before Jim begins slamming the body around the cabin's front porch screaming TALK!! TALK!! GIMME ALL THE TEA!!
Jesus Christ, okay, that's enough. I mean the horse shit, the smell, the gore, I just can't. I'll translate the files for you. Just don't let that maniac touch me when he's finished doing whatever the hell he's doing out there.
Drew and Rob exchange winks and a down-low dap.
Someone wanna let Jim know?
Let him have his fun.
Yeah, I was Chewbacca but at least my character wasn't the ghost of a dead old man.
Torso, blood and arms everywhere, Jim- like an enraged chimpanzee -continues slamming around now what is essentially just the legs and sexy parts of the lower body. FUCKING! O! BI! JIM! CAE! DO! BI!
8=========================>
---GAL CAPONE'S SUITE---
I want! Dick! Tracy! DEAD!! Dolly "Gal Capone" Waters flips his/her large, heavy wooden desk in a rage and- Well, (s)he tries to flip it but that motherfucker is like a good 300 pounds or more. So (s)he scatters some papers from off the desktop instead in a show of intimidation.
The roomful of gunsels exchange glances of confusion at Gal's words.
What am I, speaking Swahili here? Hello? Are y'all mad at me? Itchy, Little Face Dick, did I do something wrong here?
Chuck Shitti protests. How come he gets to be Itchy and I have to be Little Dick?
Uh, m'Lord, I believe you're quoting the wrong movie.
Hm? What movie am I quoting?
Deadpan. .........Dick Tracy. Scratches his pubic region vigorously.
Oh, right...shit. Glances down at Taddeo scratching. I am SO sorry about that by the way, please don't be mad at me. Are you? Mad at me?
M'Lord every STD from you is a blessing.
You're goddamn right it is. I. Am. a God. ...What movie was this again?
Whispering. The Untouchables, m'Lord.
Right, right. Capone. Ness. Ok. Anyway, to retcon reiterate, on the subject of Jellyous Ness-
I wanna go to his house in the middle of the night and I wanna drag my snotty pussy on the ashes!!
Some random gunsel- But Boss, I tawt it was il cazzo whatcha had d'ere. Y'know, a dingus.
Gal Capone blows his brains out. Chuck Shitti immediately scrambles to begin dismembering the stiff, his third favorite pastime. The first and second being 2. taking dick from Dolly and 1. fucking himself.
I have whatever I wish in the moment, buster! Sometimes I feel like being a man, sometimes I like having my clit stroked. WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS!? Oh god...are you mad at me now, Rando Gunsel? Rando's decapitated head rolls over to Gal's high heeled feet. You are, you're mad at me, I can see it in your eyes.
Oh well-
Did I leave anything out in my "kill Jellyous and his family and burn his house down" rant? I did didn't I? I fucking suck. Someone convince me I'm a legend and flatter me while jacking me off.
Eight gunsels step back, leaving one.
Looking up from the body and glancing around in surprise. Oh you fuckers.
Come 'ere you. ...You better have shaved your ass after last time too, Charlie, or so help me...
<=========================8
---THE FOLLOWING DAY---
---CHICAGO---
ABANDONED CPD HQ
I don't know how youse done it but I KNOW YOUSE DONE IT!! And a splendid job it was too. Aurelio's statement will finally put Capone away for good, the District Attorney explains while shaking Jellyous's hand. Your big brother would be proud.
Aw shucks, I only did what any homicidal maniac callin' 'imself an antihero woulda done in my place. Greater good 'uh?
Just make sure nothing happens to Aurelio. Even with those files translated, we can't prosecute without putting him on the witness stand. Tips his hat and takes his leave.
Standing there cuffed. Gal's gonna fit the lot of you for cement shoes.
He's right you know. Capone knows by now we have Aurelio and the files.
Oh he/she will definitely do something. After Dolly muscled Vinnie Lane out as owner of the XWF he/she started gangland style executing anyone on the roster who caused a problem.
To the camera. Is that what you all want?? HUH!? You want to have to worry about getting EXECUTED by Dolly Waters, OWNER, in the XWF!? Back in-scene. That's atrocious, Rob. Who do we get to protect Aurelio until he can take the stand?
I uh..I gotta wash my hair. Begins walking away.
I uh...I got called into work. Also begins walking away.
I uh...I have papers to grade. Walking the opposite way.
Yelling over his shoulder. You aren't a teacher you liar!
Yelling over HIS shoulder. YOU don't have a JOB!
DING
Exiting the elevator, spots Aurelio standing there alone, spies the men walking separate ways. Hey guys! What's going on? Someone gonna escort Aurelio to the lobby?
---CPD HQ Elevator---
A cuffed Aurelio stands next to a clueless Betsy, humming happily as the elevator door closes.
You know why they were arguing right?
Pausing before hitting the Lobby button. Hm?
This is the scene where Frank Nitti ambushes Wallace and the bookkeeper and kills them both.
What? Bullshit.
I am DEAD serious.
Oh sure, kill the GIRL character. Dicks...
Ah, well, I guess it's ok though. Nitti is supposed to already be in the elevator and he's not, so, we should be fine.
Chuck Shitti drops down into the elevator from the roof access hatch.
SURPRIIIIIIISE!!
Oh FINALLY you get a good one and it's in a CAEDUS promo you JACKASS!
Chuck pulls his pistol and aims-
GASP!
::BLAMMO!!::
Jellyous and Drew halt in the hallway as the gunshot rings out and spin.
Oh God...Betsy... No... Tears start to well in his eyes and roll down his cheeks.
Aw shuttup Jim. We all knew this was that scene.
The two begin briskly walking back but it feels like it's taking too long so- theatrically, DRAMATICALLY -they start to jog then break into a sprint.
Finally they reach the elevator to see it's still here on the floor. The doors however, won't open. Jim begins pounding on them, emoting like a MOTHERFUCKER.
BETSY!!! BETSYYYYYY!!!
Would. You. Stop!?
I CAN'T, damn you!! She was the sweet, innocent, light-hearted member of the crew and now she's DEAD Drew! Gal Capone just stole our smile and now the audience KNOWS this shit is gettin' real... BETSYYY!!
The doors slide open.
WHAT!?
Betsy?
BETSY!! Jellyous Jim jumps in for a bear hug, lifting her off her feet. Tears streaming. I'm so HAPPY to see you alive!
Why is he crying?
He's a weak sister.
I am NOT a weak sister, I'm just happy she's alive! And listen to that music, that shit's sad as FUCK dude! Sets Betsy down.
Yeah, how come you aren't dead?
Hinky. Yeeeeeeah...how COME you aren't dead?
Jellyous pokes his head into the elevator-
Aurelio has been shot in the head, naturally,so he's dead.
Chuck is littering the floor of the elevator in about a thousand pieces, the words
GIRL POWER
written on the wall in his blood.
Whoa... What...the...fuck happened in here? How did you- He pulls his head back out of the elevator to find a lightsaber pointed at his face, Betsy wielding the luminous weapon. Oh you are just all kinds 'a badass aren'tchya.
You're all lucky I don't do the same to YOU. Now what the hell are we waiting for? We may have lost the bookkeeper but we still have the files. Let's go have a word with the District Attorney. I think I know where to find a replacement witness.
Wandering up, removing his glasses with a stack of papers under one arm and a pen gripped between his teeth. What did I miss?
8=========================>
---GAL CAPONE'S SUITE---
WHAT!? Removing her period inaccurate ear buds, stops typing out a roleplay on a period accurate typewriter.
I said Chuck managed to kill Aurelio but then someone killed HIM. And...they still have the files.
What- But- They- How- ...Are they mad at me??
::KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK::
Oh what NOW!?
::KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK::
Shall I get it m'Lord?
Don't trouble yerself, I'LL get it. None of you bunnies knows how to get anything done right ANYway. Flings open the door. WHAT!?
I'm terribly sorry to disturb you Lord but there is a "Jellyous Ness" to see you in the lobby.
Oh yeah!? Well tell him I don't WANNA be disturbed!
He said you would say that m'Lord. In that case he told me to call you a pussy and to inform you that you've been served. Hands Gal a summons.
Gal accepts the summons then pulls out a tommy gun and fills the guy fulla lead.
Reading over the paperwork. Oh Taddeoooo... TADDEO! Wake up!
Rising from the floor, sporting a lump from the typewriter. Yes m'Lord?
I've been summoned. It seems Jellyous Ness and the City of Chicago suspect me of illicit activity and they can prove it. Doesn't even say what crime I've allegedly committed. That's not fair! Is that even legal??
I wouldn't worry about it m'Lord. We have the best lawyers in the country.
Nah, I killed all them. I thought they were mad at me.
That's okay m'Lord, I'll just defend you myself.
Scoffs. What?? Get the fuck outta here, you ain't no shyster!
I've dabbled m'Lord. Pretty sure I've got the jist of it.
Are you SURE.
Quite sure m'Lord. I have the utmost confidence in my ability.
Are you MAD at me.
.........No m'Lord.
Well then I've got nothing to worry about. Bring it on Jellyous! I HOPE you're not mad at me.
8==================> <==================8
---COURTHOUSE---
Following day...Mid-trial
Leaning over to whisper to Capone at the defendant's table while the DA grills someone on the stand. Don't worry m'Lord. They got nothin'. Dolly chuckles confidently and leans back, flipping off Jellyous, Drew, Rob and Betsy all sitting behind the prosecution table.
I don't understand; they're nailing the lid on Capone's coffin but shehe's smiling. What ace does it have up it's sleeve?
The DA holds the files up for illustration. So you're telling me that you've translated all the information in these files, that they prove illicit activities perpetrated by the defendant: one Gal Capone aka Dolly Waters and you're willing to testify to this under oath?
Yes m'Lord.
Gal double-takes, glancing to the empty seat beside her Taddeo had just been occupying a moment earlier, then back to the stand.
Hey! ......HEY!! Are you mad at me???
I'm sorry former m'Lord, but the prosecution has proof of my own participation in said illicit activity and I'll be damned if I'm going down with the shit.
You mean ship.
Did I stutter former m'Lord?
Triggered. I KNEW it!! You're MAD at me!!
I'm not mad, you're just not more important to me than my own freedom former m'Lord. For all the heroic bluster and bravado our organization pushed, when it comes down to it, we The Continuuntouchables were and are really...just...bad people. Especially Corio, it was a task pretending that I disliked murdering him. But especially YOU and I'm more than willing to walk away from it all- or Discontinuuntouchables if you will -even if it makes me seem like a bad guy to YOU, former m'Lord. These men and woman here, The Unmentionables, they're the real heroes.
OBJECTION!! I KNOW he's mad at me!!
The judge pounds her gavel, calling for order. When the room settles.
Very well Mr. Taddeo Dookie. If you would spare the court's time and please drop the spoiler bit of information in those files that serves as evidence of illegal activity on behalf of the defendant?
Big smile. YES I shall, and this is EXACTLY why I kept all public record of MY dealings with THIS subject unofficial. And HERE it is
Dolly..."Gal Capone" Waters...
.
The entire courtroom gasps in unison.
OBJECTION!! THAT'S A LIE!! I that!
ORDER!! ORDER!!
Your Honor is this justice!? Is this fair!? Are YOU mad at me too!? Did you BLOCK me!?
Your Honor, we would like to change our plea of not guilty......to guilty.
The courtroom ovates.
Capone double-takes again, Taddeo once more sitting beside him behind the defendant's table. GUILTY!? Gal attempts to attack Taddeo who is quick to slip away. The remaining gunsels hold himher back from getting into deeper shit as the courtroom explodes with a raucous celebration.
Jellyous strides up to Capone, dropping some line that can't be heard over the cheering of the Warfare fans courtroom denizens.
What what what?? What was that?? What did you just say??
The courtroom noise dies down.
I said...I AM mad at you.
Mic drop.
Oh you're mad at me!? YOU'RE MAD AT ME!? You're just a lotta cock and a badge!! You're just a lotta cock and a badge!! YOU'RE JUST A LOTTA COCK AND A BADGE!! YOU'RE JUST A LOTTA COCK AND A BADGE!!
And so Dolly "Gal Capone" Waters continued to rant in such a manner; kicking, swinging, held back by hisher beloved gunsels as Jellyous Ness, Drew Malone, Rob Stone and Betsy Wallace- THE UNMENTIONABLES -look on and taunt from afar including a whole lot of laughing and pointing. From afar, not because they're afraid of Dolly, but because it's funny to piss Dolly off more.
Cue the heroic ending music courtesy of Sir Ennio Morricone...
Aw nah...nah nah nah...I don't think so... Don't even THINK about running those cred-
(click...)
Alright, now y'all really pissed me off...
Dolly Gal- we'll call her DG for short -downs an 18 pack in the blink of an eye as a swirl of darkness begins to blossom around and envelope her...
Uh...guys...shit just got real...
A roar erupts from the cloud of drunken darkness as The Unmentionables dash out of the courtroom building.
Crashing out behind them, bursting through the entryway egress-
-the true DG reveals itself...drunk, angry-
ARE YOU MAD AT MEEEEE!!??
-and incredibly insecure. A monster.
I fuckin' KNEW there was more to that sideshow freak than meets the eye.
Activates her lightsaber. I'm not afraid. Let's cut this psycho skirt down to size.
Loading his sawed-off shotgun. Let's blow this buttfucker straight to Hell.
Downs a snifter of Ovaltine, the Popeye music playing, before flexing and pulling a pistol. I yam what I yam; a man in a jam ready to blam blam blam.
Stepping forward. NO!! This is MY fight!
Sneaking out beside Monster DG. M'Lord, have I told you lately just how NOT mad at you I am? Please show mercy-
DG snatches Taddeo up in her scorpion pinchers and snips him into slices, roaring with laughter before turning to an approaching and unafraid Jellyous Jim.
HEY!! DOLLY!!
All eyes turn to see- why, it's Arcana, the magick flames of a pyromancer burning around her form.
Monster DG crumbles to the ground, succumbing to the punishment from the flames as her insectoid segmented legs more of less kneel.
Right where you belong baby. No Waters could ever overcome a Caedus. See ya in Hell hillbilly. He pulls the trigger.
Shell after shell tear into the body of Monster DG. In fact, Jellyous expends the entire drum of ammo and after 30 seconds, Dolly "Gal Capone" Waters, Monster DG, gurgles out a dying exhale. Jim reloads and empties a second drum of ammo, decimating the beast's head.
Turning to his friends, a huge triumphant grin on his face. So much for all that gas 'bout Gal dyin' of AIDS in prison.
SO...is SHE the "bangtail" you've been shacking up with this whole time Jimmy!? Burning with a seething, jealous rage.
Wait, what? Baby...no, a bangtail is-
A LIKELY story! No one cheats on me Jimmy O'Connor. NO one.
Uh oh...
Uh oh?
Why uh oh?
Gentlemen...
Baby y'got it all wrong. I was framed, I ran outta gas, I had to take a massive poop and lost track 'a time, I-
CAN it Belushi and save the Jake Blues bullshit for the ghost 'a Carrie Fisher! You'll be meeting her soon enough! You never even ate the egg sammy I made you!! I poofed a NAKED PICTURE of me in that paper bag lunch to play off the movie spoof and you NEVER even took the time to appreciate it, maybe masturbate a little to it in between murdering villains! Ohhhh nooooooo, JIMMY has to spend all his time balling bangtails and HOOKERS!
I...love you?
LIAR!!
...Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
RUUUUUUUUUN!!!
Arcana lets loose with a blast of flames-
---LATER...---
Arcana- her arm around Jim's waist and misunderstanding forgotten -and Jim- nursing second degree burns -stand before Drew Malone, Rob Stone and Betsy Wallace in Mr. and Mrs. Jellyous Ness's living room.
Well, it's about that time.
A shame we had to censor that evidence you found of Gal Capone. Could be useful facing the real thing back in your world.
Oh it's ok. Turns out that same evidence exists in my universe and I'll be unveiling soon as Arcana and I get back. Speaking of which...
Their mission complete, having righted the wrong on Earth-00ρ𞤥, Jim and Arcana begin to glow, the multiverse powering them up for the leap back.
The Unmentionables wave goodbye-
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Thot on the Spot"
A FLASH of blinding light...
...Jimmy Caedus is back.
Bitch.
Don't tryta ask how I could be in the epic 'a The Impossible Entity (Bets' and Ly') and my own adventure seemingly at the same time. Time is a sexy sexy whore and she's fun to fuck with. When y'have a sorceress on your side, the only answer I gotta give to the "How?" is
So here I am, back to FINISH this verbal battle. And you...you've thrown in the towel apparently. Boy would my face be red right now if I was someone who bet against ME in context with Dolly "Fuck This, I Quit" Waters. All that full-steam ahead gung-ho HORSESHIT from you...and THIS is what I get? What the people get? You tried to bitch about me "not promoting the match" now here you are legit sabotaging THE MAIN EVENT OF RELENTLESS NIGHT 2. Disrespectin' the people, disrespectin' the roster, the Xtreme Championship, Boss Lane (for handin' you Anarchy) and the XWF itself.
I'm puttin' in work thinkin' you were gonna wage war. This is the respect you show. You kill the buzz, you kill INTEREST in the promos and you BITCH OUT LIKE SO MANY before you. You cowards are makin' me look like I'm terrifyin', all I want is a goddamn donnybrook.
Fuck you. I ain't stoppin'. And BECAUSE you've ROBBED me of viewership by handin' me one 'a those "foregone booking conclusions" you cocksucker, once I've finished this and our match concludes at Relentless, I will NEVER accept or participate in a match with you or any member 'a your family ever again. This despicable cowardice and unprofessionalism deserves due punishment. So fuckin' fed up with time wastin' nutless limpdickery and no-showin' shit birds. For now, I got a job to do, destroy you once and for all, and I'ma do it.
I'm armed with the coup de grace. Rather, at this point, the overkill point blank headshot.
And before I drop it, just know...
You asked for this the second you cited a specific detail about yourself. And guess what? As much as you didn't want me to use it, that "old shit" only serves now as a marker, validation and relevant solidification for the NEW shit you pulled.
Far be it from me not to capitalize.
Let's start at the inception shall we?
Long long ago, same Universe, Dolly and Jimmy were at eachother's throats in the Lethal Lottery 4 hype cycle. Like gangstas, the two were exchangin' fire, unafraid, back and forth in gladiatorial linguistic combat.
Then...
Dolly, bein' the over-hyped hillbilly semen suckin' spazz that she is, got so excited and carried away she referred to herself as a 13 year old girl. Now I know, immediately you're all ('cept those who were there) sayin' to yourself, "so?". Well, perhaps my response to that at the time will clue you in...
on 03-23-2017 @12:03 PM JimCaedus Said:Which reminds me... Did you actually say you were 13? You were born November 1st 2004, it's March of 2017. You're not even 12 and a half you fucking idiot. Can't keep track of your own age? Gee, that definitely makes me believe you're on the up and up and not just some fibbin' fuck-up. You're so REAL! Hurry, Dolly, HURRY...locate the loose end I just nailed and edit it before everyone can see it! You're so fuckin' pathetic, you make me sick, slut. This is how you wage war isn't it...ISN'T IT!? THIS is how you got so famous in the XWF, by covering your snailtrail tracks.
And for the record, YES, that's EXACTLY what Dolly did; what I called "covering your tracks" at the time, now referred to as a retcon. However, she failed to realize my existing footage callin' her out STILL. EXISTS. As evidence of her FUCK UP.
Before I continue, I want you all to consider for a few moments what happened there. How many of us in our youth (hell, some of us THROUGHOUT our thus-far lifetime) have ACCIDENTALLY said we were an age we weren't? Maybe you were so close to your birthday and so excited to be older- like a child would -you misspoke or you were just havin' an off-day. A simple mistake, right?
Well, tell that to Dolly.
'Cause INSTEAD 'a doin' what someone with-
A. Honor
B. Class
And
C. Courage
-would do- that bein' admit to the mistake and rob it of at least SOME amount 'a damage against you -she instead decided to lie.
Yep. Dolly REFUSED to own up and instead went off on some pussy ass desperate-to-save-face "I can never be wrong" weakling tangent claimin' "oh it was a clerical error and my manager Paul Heyman didn't catch it". Did Dolly at that time go back and erase all record of her true birthdate-
November 1st, 2004?
No, not yet. See, there were too many eyes, too much attention cast upon her official files- of which I provided photographic evidence to support her snafu -so the best she could do in lieu of refusin' to be honest was go to court, take the stand and swear under oath what her TRUE birthdate and age were.
Yeah, that's right. Dolly went to fuckin' court to "prove" me "wrong". Check it out...
John Thune(R-Waterboard): As are we, Miss Waters. But to start, we'll need you to stand and raise your right hand and swear unto oath of your testimony today.
Dolly nods, stands and raises her right hand.
John Thune(R-Waterboard): Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Dolly Waters: I do.
John Thune(R-Waterboard): Okay, thank you. You may be seated. Could we first get you to state your full name, and your date of birth for the record?
Dolly Waters: Yes sir: Dolly Jane-Virginia Waters, born November first, two thousand and three.
John Thune(R-Waterboard): Wonderful. Now Miss Waters, we need to you to clear something up for us here, because there was some issues regarding your birth date that arose while we were compiling our case. We have here your birth certificate from the Pikeville Medical Center that does indeed state that you were born November first, two thousand three- but here we have your original application to the XWF that states you were born in two thousand and four, could you clarify the mix up, nevertheless how minuscule and unimportant?
Dolly Waters: Yes sir, to my knowledge that original application to the XWF was submitted by my former manager, Mr. Paul Heyman, being as how I'm underage and all the XWF requires the applications of minors to be submitted by a parent or guardian. My guess is Mr. Heyman, or his secretary just made a clerical mistake.
For those 'a you who already know EXACTLY where I'm goin' with this you just hush the fuck up and let erryone else enjoy.
That's right folks, Dolly Waters went to court and not JUST court but straight to D.C. 😱😱😱😱😱 Ooooooh shit, and she shut me down, didn't she? Because if you're under oath you're definitely tellin' the truth.
Right?
And so it came to pass that Dolly- with the help 'a her fiendishly fumblin' manager -under oath officially declared her year of birth to be
2003
so as to erase the fact she made a mistake in referring to 'erself as a thirteen year old when in fact she wasn't even twelve and a half yet. And erase she did. She went over every scrap 'a video footage showin' her to be 11 years old in 2016 upon signin' up and anything else that would reveal her through simple arithmetic to be twelve years old and not thirteen at the time in 2017. Here's an example...
Quote:Saturday, October 1st, 2016
Backstage at the Amway Center
...Orlando, Florida, U.S.A...
It would be hard to imagine just what type of stress Heyman was actually under, he was taking a huge risk with his career which up until signing Dolly Waters in late September had been dormant to say the least. He was getting ready to manage an at the time twelve year old girl into into the main event
"'You've gotta' check this kid out', my agent said. 'She's the next big thing', my agent said. 'SHE'S TWELVE YEARS OLD AND SEVENTY-NOTHING POUNDS', MY AGENT SAID!
Pathetic.
So...
FOR THE RECORD ACCORDING TO DOLLY-
Dolly is, at THIS time _17_ years old. Seventeen. Of course, really she's only SIXTEEN but we'll let the lil' lady keep 'er fiction goin'...since that fiction is exactly what fucks 'er up 'er ass here in 2021.
Someone wanna go ahead and pull up Dolly's latest birthdate on file?
Birth year: 2002.
2
0
0
2
That would make her 18 right now.
See, that's what happens when you lie and lie so often:
You.
Forget.
You have.
A lie.
In place.
And you forget how many times you went on record to make your lie OFFICIAL. You forget where to go and what to retcon.
In the words 'a TK in the 24/7 Halls: "gotcha bitch".
You, Dolly, have been found to be a liar about your age for the SECOND TIME and THIS TIME the supporting evidence is footage of you
PERJURING YOURSELF IN SUPREME COURT.
Pretty sure that's a felony or some shit all by itself.
But WAIT, WAIT!!! Dolly, I know, the lesser 'a two evils here would be to avoid federal prosecution, lose face and stick to the 2003 birthdate amirite?
Of course I am, you ain't THAT stupid. Pretty fuckin' stupid, but not to THAT suicidal extent.
Here's where the rub comes in...
If Dolly denies her current lie 'a bein' born in 2002, it'll cast a light on someone more important to 'er than anyone other than 'erself. At least, that's what she'd have us all believe about this particular person, that 'e means so much to 'er and she'd NEEEEVER do anything to cause 'im pain or SHATTER the image HE has goin' for 'im regardless 'a how many times I tell you all he's a villainous piece 'a sociopathic pissant pussery.
So, let's say Dolly does what she's most likely to do and admits her latest lie IS in fact a lie and she's stickin' with the original retcon, makin' 'er 17 years old.
After that, let's sit right back and view a tale, a tale 'a teenage lust...
Corey closes his eyes, steeling himself. Yes. Yes we can.
Unbeknownst to him, Dolly does the same. Look, I don’t want to come off like some clingy “basic bitch” cliche. I think you and I both know I’m...not that.
Correct.
But I can’t...she sighs again, this time out of frustration. When I first came to join you, here, I felt something I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. Even beyond the sense of community, the belonging, hell, the basic SECURITY of it all...I started to feel something for you too.
Oh. Corey responds lamely.
And I fucking HATE how this sounds. How trite this all is, me wafting into your life and becoming a token “female love interest”...but hell if it isn’t happening. Fucker. A smirk is inherent in the word.
Corey chuckles, appreciating the slight easing of tension. Literally, though.
Shut up. A slight pause. So here comes the big question: Was there something more to that than just a one off evening of fun?
The levity from a moment prior dissipates immediately. Corey winces, looking deeply uncertain. I...well…. He looks frustrated. Why does everything have to be so laden with meaning all the time though? Why can’t it have just been this discrete act that happened and we never, ever talk about it again?
In case you the viewer are thick or missed it, Dolly and Corey fucked. I wasn't just bein' colorful about Corey and Dolly, they legit fucked. On record. It's even in a goddamn promo, shows Corey drop trou' right in front 'a Dolly and next thing ya know, boom, that shit right there. Dolly losin' 'er head and spazzin' out. Next, showin' resentment. Oh and don't mind Corey sayin' he "knows" and is "sure of it" that Dolly is "fine with it" and "understands". No one can know for sure what anyone else is thinking, that's asinine. And this is a teenage girl here in question. How understanding of and fine with rejection are teenage girls known to be? Anyway, roll footage.
She rounded the corner, expecting him. Naturally. Corey bridged the gap between them. Epics could have been written in the time and space that passed between them, unspent odes that need not be spoken. But Corey decided to try.
Dolly...I….
It’s fine. I get it. It’s fine.
It will be okay.
Corey searched her face for traces of anger or ley lines of disappointment. He found a repressed sadness there, a wound to be sure. But not a mortal one. A wound that would heal, given time. But more than that, Dolly meant what she said. Corey was sure of it. It WAS fine. She understood.
I would never hurt you on purpose.
I know. She jerked her head slightly, ushering him onward. Go claim who you are.
Who he is bein' a sick, pedophile piece 'a shit. Because if Dolly's words to the court UNDER OATH are true...
COREY
SMITH
FUCKED
A
MINOR.
That's right. If Dolly DOESN'T accept the charges for commiting PERJURY UNDER OATH BEFORE THE SUPREME COURT OF THESE UNITED STATES or some Oversight Committee (wtf ever) then Dolly Waters will prove that Corey Smith is guilty of statutory RAPE.
That means Corey Smith not only violated the law of the land...but he violated the laws of the XWF itself, pedophiliac/rape content. Statutory. Rape.
If Dolly doesn't admit she lied about her age then I demand Corey Smith be appropriately and legally dealt with as the criminal he is.
Strip him of the briefcase.
Fire him.
Or be seen as aiding and abetting a RAPIST OF MINORS.
On the other hand...if Dolly does what she SHOULD DO and falls on her own sword she will have proven herself a perjurer in the highest of courts under oath. In that case...
Dolly needs to be removed as the director of Anarchy seein' as it's against the law for a minor to take on such a position in a business. Own? Sure. But I doubt Boss Lane wants to sign anything XWF related over to her. Especially after all THIS has now come to light. Not that it would really matter...because Dolly would then be held accountable for her lie and prosecuted for perjury. Removed from the roster to serve her due time behind bars.
Either way, SOMEONE is gettin' fucked and it ain't me.
This is what comes of your addiction to lying Dolly. This is what happens because you have no spine, balls or courage to EVER grow the fuck up and admit makin' a mistake. You're a selfish, infantile, incompetent peasant who'd rather hang others out to dry than take a hit yourself.
Not to mention...your clear and established butthurtery over Corey fuckin' you and droppin' you pretty much slides you right into the list 'a suspects for who was behind Thaddeus goin' apeshit on Corey. Shit, Dolly and Thad have a history extending back before even I got here, a history brimmin' with sexual innuendo, though Thaddeus has always been clever enough to keep any damnable details off the record, unlike duncecap Corey and Dolly the lyin' ass cocksucker. Still, the connection between you and Thad is richer, deeper and with the emotion involved, makes it a VERY plausible theory that YOU Dolly, directed Thaddeus in his attack on Corey and made sure to be present, cryin' and puttin' on your eyeroll screamin' chick display, to provide an alibi.
But'cha know what? Idgaf about that. Fuck all 'a you.
The only thing that matters is Dolly Waters has proven 'erself incapable 'a conquerin' Caedus once again. What exactly makes her incapable?
1. She lies.
She lies because skin deep appearances, savin' face, are more important to 'er than the truth and (unbeknownst to her) an even GREATER image 'a bein' a trustworthy person and competitor. Someone powerful inside and out, not skippin' around under a facade. Someone even truth can't take down. Someone Unfuckwithable. That ain't her. Dolly expends energy pushin' fiction she can't even keep up with enough to establish as fact. That's deceit and desperation. Not only that, as much as lies, I catch her EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. How does this translate to the ring? The same way it did back in the Lethal Lottery 4 finals...Dolly will stoop to whatever unsavory, shady, path-of-least-resistance play she can in the moment and ME...I'm familiar with 'er antics so I'll catch her in the act and counterattack. Successfully. With the help of a teammate- and me all alone -she can get me. In a situation where she can rely on no one else but 'erself, she chokes. Caedus prevails. Her refusal to see reality for what it is will warp her perception, lead 'er to assess the situation at any given moment incorrectly and therefore make the wrong decision. Caedus will counter. Caedus will prevail.
2. She's overly emotional to a fault.
She speaks without thinking. She acts without thinking. She lies without thinking. She's an impulsive idiot and as I've shown, she'll speak and act without knowin' she's fuckin' 'erself over until it's too late. She couldn't help but air dirty laundry in public, embarrassin' 'erself and 'er friends as WELL as providin' the evidence to dismantle her absolutely HOLLOW and FALSE image so many 'a you have bought into. And when we face eachother in the ring, as she did in the Lethal Lottery 4 finals, she'll lose control of 'er emotions and make mistakes Caedus will capitalize on and KILL over. Kill. Dolly doesn't have the mental wherewithal nor the physical prowess to defeat me. She will be compelled to fuck up. Caedus prevails.
And finally, 3. She's a coward.
Her inability to admit to mistakes and own up shows how afraid she is of lookin' like someone who makes mistakes. That's due to her arrogance and nothin' else. She's so thoroughly consumed with LOOKING slick that the idea of looking HONEST escapes her. Because of this, her efforts to look slick leave 'er lookin' like a lyin' clusterfuckup. Her inability to come at me like she did last time, in a timely manner, displays how afraid she is of allowin' me the time to shit on anything else she says, includin' what has been nothin' but horseshit in defense from her in promo. How does this translate to the ring? Well, that should be obvious. As a coward, Dolly will NOT take the necessary measures to accomplish what she oh so badly wants to do: take me down and make me look bad. She don't give a shit about the X, she just wants revenge. She'll hesitate when she needs to act. She'll choose a less risky- though consequently less powerful and effective -avenue of attack outta fear she'll fuck up yet again and I'll smash 'er head out 'er ass...and in the process she'll fuck up yet again and I'll smash 'er head out 'er ass. See how that works?
Dolly...y'thought y'had a hard go of it last time in the Lottery? I just decimated you, definitively, for the second time, ten times harder and with half as many promos as last time.
You're playin' a game here, hooker, and I ain't playin' your game; I mastered it.
I broke it.
Like I'ma break you in the ring, surrounded by barbwire...a Death. Match.
You'd 'a thought sum'in' that severe woulda spurred you on to improve, take things- and ME -a little more seriously. But'cha didn't.
You don't know how.
Your ignorance- whether purposeful or accidental -will be your undoin' with me every goddamn time, twat, and your delusions- no matter how powerful they may be to you -ain't enough to stop me from achieving APEX goals. APEX desires.
And on a personal level...
I worked my ass off tearin' this Xtreme Title from Lycana's claws- and yeah that's me sayin' she was tougher than I expected she would be, a rare mistake -and I faced public criticism to take it back from a jag-off who deserves no sympathy. I endured a surprisingly effective Latina Submission Machina (yeah, that's a non backhanded compliment Robyn, you have an amount 'a my respect for that) to retain in my first defense...I'm not losin' the belt to YOU of all people in only my second defense.
You ain't the Legendary Dolly Waters anymore than you were The Phenom Dolly Waters. You're just a scared, over-emotional liar. A pathetic loser skilled at fuelin' hype with BULLSHIT. A politician. A pussy.
You're fake.
The Legend of Dolly Waters is a myth.
I'll be rewritin' your story at Relentless and I won't need a sneaky retcon to do it.
I'll ink it all in your blood for the world to witness.
XXXKXIXLXLXEXDXXXYXOXUXXXBXIXTXCXHXXX
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