[bwo][/bwo]


The scene opens to a half passed out crying Mr. Granger. Them No Good Bastards, TK with bloody bolt cutters in hand, and Bobby who kicks away the loose ball bag.

Well, that was fucking easy, wasn’t it?

Sure was!

Now, let’s head to goddamn Relentless night one, and see if we’re facing a tag team worth a fuck!

Bobby and TK, who are never without their XWF tag team championship belts, start playing air guitar with them.

[bwo][/bwo]

Once done Them No Good Bastards go back to the phone booth. Bobby now knows what he’s doing: presses the buttons 0,9,2,4,2,0,2,1, then the pound and star buttons simultaneously. The phone booth starts lighting up like a Christmas tree with red lighting surrounding it. Once again the portal opens underneath and the phone booth again drops into time. Your television now shows the outside of Soldier Field with the subtitles on the lower one third of your screen that read “September 24th, 2021”. What was perfect weather conditions now has dark clouds coming in, spiraling around the stadium. The same red lightning fills the skies as Them No Good Bastards’ phone booth falls from the center of the storm. It lands on the ground like it has so many times before. Bobby opens the phone booth’s door.

You know, that’s the first time you haven’t yelled or bitched about the ride.

TK stumbles out of the phone booth as he does, he vomits.

Ergh, I, ergh, fucking hate, ergh, this shit.

Bobby looks up, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.

The future.

TK is regaining his composure. A program for tonight’s card blows by in the breeze, and Bobby grabs it. He looks at it and furrows his brow.

Uh, I think we were right.

Fuck yeah, we were! We cut that man’s testicles off and you kicked them.

No, the other us, look.

Bobby shows the program to TK. It says that tonight, the main event is Peter Gilmour and the clone of Peter Gilmour, the XWF Tag Team champions, are defending their titles against none other than Lycana and Marf in a Vat of Shit Match.

It says…

I can fucking read.

So the loser is whoever gets thrown into a vat of shit. Huh. Typical, well, you know who.

That’s an easy fucking win for Peter Gilmour and the clone of Peter Gilmour dont you think?

No, I think that man struggled with everything in his life, from pronouncing words to wiping his own ass to even unzipping his fly.

Bobby smirks, remembering the time he glued Peter’s pants shut.

Where the Hell am I on the card?

It looks like you never came to the XWF. Who knew one man’s scrotum meant so much?

Well, mine does to me!

Same, but I mean in the grand scheme of things. Who knows what other crazy shit has happened. For all we know, Quiznos never went out of business.

They never did.

Egad!

No, I mean in the normal timeline you can still find a Quiznos.

No, I can’t. And who wants to?

Bobby and TK exchange a no look fistbump. Take that razzing, Quiznos.

So, who, in the shit, are you fighting?

Well, it says I’m, oh shit.

What?

I’m facing all three Blackwaters in a handicap match, the winner gets the XWF Speedboat! Wow! I never won the XWF Speedboat in this timeline, funky!

Man, this time line sucks... Wait... We never use that thing.

Nobody uses that thing. I think Theo forgot he gave it to me.

Bobby places his index finger on his chin and cocks his head ever so slightly. He's thinking about the speed boat as we fade to a special cameo.





We cut to see Theo Pryce. He’s in a dapper white sailing jacket and adorable little captain’s hat, beset by two Thai Ladyboys. He’s checking his pockets and looks panicked.

I swear, ladyboys, I have the keys to my awesome speedboat somewhere! It’s moored down by Craig T. Nelson’s yacht!





Back from the cameo to Them No Good Bastards on September 24th, 2021.

Who’s the Uni fucking Champion?

Cyren. Never heard of ‘em.

TK looks at the program closer.

Well, It fucking says “After defeating Fuzz for the XWF Universal Championship at Leap of Faith 2021, Cyren, is defending against trash talker supreme Azrael Erebus”. What a fucking shit show!

Man, at least this program just happened to get blown into our hands to let us know everything about the consequences of offing that man’s coin purse.

We could at least stay long enough to see the tag match.

TK flashes a wicked grin as the wind picks up, and swirls dust into the air, on this crisp 70 degree night. Bobby looks perplexed by this.

You are like the only person alive who liked watching Peter Gilmour wrestle. That guy could struggle to open a pack of bologna and you’d be entertained.

Bobby sneers, remembering the time he glued Peter’s bologna shut. TK shrugs as the wind flows through his awesome mullet.

He’s a fucking legend. What time is it?

TK looks at his phone to check the time.

This is a dark dystopian alternate future timeline we made as a fuck-up, I don’t think we should be hanging out here too long.

TK has already started walking towards the gate.

I DON’T FUCKING SPEAK NERD!

Bobby trucks to catch up to TK, and both men get to the gate. They’re stopped immediately.

Hello, can I see your tickets?

Tickets? We’re Them No Good Bastards!

That’s, uh, well and good, but I need to see your tickets.

Bobby leans towards TK.

We don’t exist here, remember.

Oh, shit. Well, you do! This is Bobby Bourbon, he’s facing the Blackwater triplets!

The gatekeeper smirks.

Right, first off it’s Robbie Bourbon, second, that guy wears a mask. Have you been drinking sir?

Fuckin... No!

Bobby is nodding in assent silently behind TK.

Okay, look, we have these…

Bobby holds up his half of the XWF Tag Team Championships.

We have to present these to the winners of the main event!

Those are replicas!

Damn it!

Fucking gatekeeping ass mother of a whore!

That’s my job.

Bobby shrugs. He glances at TK, purses his lips, then clocks the gatekeeper with his half of the XWF Tag Team Championships.

Sweet fucking tits!

Well, we’re going to have to undo all of this like we said to ourselves earlier, pretty sure that’ll undo the concussion I just gave that dude.

Bobby and TK walk past the gate and into the grounds of Soldier Field. The certifiably insane crowd that has packed into Soldier Field looks more like a Klan rally rather than a wrestling show. Tig ol’ Bitties is making the ring announcement that the Main event is just moments away, for the live crowd. Bobby and TK make it to the front row without any altercations with security. What's his name was always a cheap prick. The match is already well underway, and we see both Peter's and his clone accosting Lycana by stereo dry humping her on either side. We can tell this is definitely sexual in nature, because Marf is readily masturbating while being cucked. Noticing his distraction, either Peter Gilmour or the clone, we can’t really tell which is which, they’re identical except one has a mustache, and who knows if the legit one grew it or not. But either Peter or his clone approaches Marf. He quickly hip tosses him, while Marf is readily masturbating, into a kiddie pool ringside which is full of what appears to be chocolate pudding.

Oh man, I thought that was going to be real poop!

I’m not disappointed that it wasn’t.

The bell rings, and the Dissentients, in an alternate dystopian future timeline, still couldn’t get the job done.

Well, that was goddamn fun.

No, no it wasn’t. That was terrible. You really weren’t around here when they had dildo crowns and fecal matter everywhere.

That looked like pudding, though.

C’mon, let’s go fix history by un-castrating Betsy’s dad. It seems the nutsack she shot out of was of some consequence after all, even if it’s all been downhill for her since.


Once the match is over Bobby and TK head back to the phone booth laughing at the thought of Peter Gilmour and his clone demolishing the shit encrusted duo of Marf and Lycana with ease.

Told you he was fucking legend!

Well, when you bank on Lycana you’re sure to smell like shit. Or chocolate pudding. Either way.

Once inside the phone booth again. TK shuts the door, as Bobby presses buttons.

Pressin’ buttons, la-la-la.

Don’t press random buttons! You’ll get us stuck in someplace boring again!

The scene fades in waves, like one of those 90s flashback scenes.






We see a hazy, albeit strangely lush scene on the waterfront someplace. The flora is exotic, to say the least. An expert eye would identify that none of these plants actually exist, or at least still do, but did at some point in the history of earth. The phone booth roars into the small clearing. Bobby and TK step out.

Where the fuck are we? Is there a liquor store? I’m out of hooch.

I dunno, I just pressed some random ass buttons.

Bobby pulls his phone out.

Any signal?

Nah, none. Wherever we are, it’s from the 1980s or earlier.

That really narrows it down.

Yeah, I suppose. C’mon, let's blow this popsicle stand, ain’t nothing of note happening here.

Right. You and your random button presses.

As TK and Bobby re-enter the phone booth, a creature emerges from the water, and the first life form to walk on dry land is actually in third place behind Them No Good Bastards. As it gasps for air, it watches unwittingly as the XWF Tag Team Champions depart. It gives a fist bump, realizing that as cool as it is to be the first legit thing to walk on dry land, seeing Them No Good Bastards made it much cooler.





The scene fades in waves again bring you back to reality as you know it.

Back to the mother fucking past to stop us from cutting off Betsy’s dad’s balls. How exactly are we going to do that?

Easy, we go back maybe 20 minutes before we should show up and kidnap Betsy's dad. Then we put some poor schmucks in his place, and boom. Our former selves end up cutting off that guy’s nuts instead.

What’s that do to the timeline we’re on right now? Nothing, everything will happen just the same. Why? Science. It’s really just the-

TK reaches out his hand and shakes his head at Bobby.

Bobby.

Yeah, TK?

I. Don't. Speak. Nerd. God. Damn. It. Is it going to fuck shit up?

No.

Good. Alright, let’s do this shit!

After pressing all the buttons needed to travel back in time 20 mins before Them Past Tense No Good Bastards cut off Betsy’s father’s ball holder. The phone booth starts lighting up with the red lightning as it always does. The portal underneath forms and drops the phone booth into the time vortex, as it has done so many times before. The phone booth does all the phone booth things. TK exits the phone booth followed by Bobby. Like clockwork, TK makes a quip about how time travel sucks but is cut off by Bobby.

There he is!

Well, let’s snatch the fucker up.

I have a better idea.

Are you thinking what the fuck I'm thinking?

Does Betsy's life hang in our balance?

Just like at Relentless that answer to that fucking question is clear!

Bobby bum rushes Betsy’s father, snags him up, lifts him vertically. As Bobby lifts Betsy’s father, TK jumps off the hood of a nearby car, landing the most devastating move in Tag Team History!

Rainbow Laser Death Sequence!

That was probably one of the hardest goddamn Rainbow Laser Death Sequence’s, that we’ve ever fucking delivered.

So hard that when Betsy’s born, she knows the pain and anguish of all the other tag teams we’ve ever faced. Minus Dolly Water and Hector Malvado.

Yeah, Juan ate shit to a standard Thunder Strike.

Bobby lifts his XWF Tag Team Championship in the air at the same time TK does the same. They clink them together before seeing a man walk down the street.

Hey, Fucker!

Oh, hello there, neighbor.

Yeah, yeah, you want to make a thousand bucks? We don’t have all day for goddamn pleasantries.

The man is off-put at first.

Doing what?

Well, guys who look just like us are going to come by here. They’ll ask if you’re Mr. Granger and all you have to say is “I am.”.

Pretty fucking simple if you ask me and you get paid a thousand bucks.

The man doesn’t believe Them No Good Bastards until TK pulls out a stack of hundreds and starts counting them out. The man’s eyes become large.

How about two thousand and you have a deal.

Deal!

What the fuck, Bobby! This is goddamn highway fucking robbery.

Bobby pulls TK in close and whispers in his ear.

Dude, he’s getting his nuts chopped off, just pay the man two thousand.

TK looks angry this is costing way too much to trick someone, but he continues to count out the money anyway. TK hands the money to Bobby but has a hard time letting it go.

Come on.

TK is still not giving it up.

TK, come on.

TK releases the money.

Fine.

Here you go, sir. Good luck with your future endeavors.

Bobby looks at his cell phone for the time.

TK, we have to go.

Yeah, yeah.

TK doesn’t take his eyes off the man who’s soon to lose his testicles.

Fucking prick.

The man looks intimidated. Bobby grabs TK by his shirt’s sleeve and leads him to the phone booth. Bobby closes the door and hits the buttons to take them back to the Circle K that they had left. The phone booth’s red lighting happens and the portal drops them through time. The subtitles on your screen read “Present Day”.

-Wooooaaaaahhhhhhh!

You can hear a Thunder Knuckles say, as they land

Goddamn, I hate that part.

Another phone booth arrives. Past TK looks over at past Bobby.

Bobby?

What?

Strange fucking things are happening at the goddamn Circle K.

When TK finishes his sentence, out walks Bobby and TK from the second phone booth. Past Bobby and TK look baffled as the Bobby and TK you’ve been following through time walk up super excited.

Hey, Bastards! You’re going to go back in time with Rufus!

Yeah! You’re going to have the most excellent adventure through XWF history and beyond.

Who are you guys?

We’re you, mother fuckers!

We’re Bastards not Mother Fuckers. The Bastards win gold, the Mother Fuckers never did.

Past TK and Bobby give a no-look fist bump.

Hey, the Motherfuckers weren't that shitty.

Well, I'm a part of a better team now. Anyhow, isn’t this some kind of paradox, us meeting ourselves?

Yeah, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. Apparently, there are so many paradoxical happenings every second they all offset each other.

Oh. Did you ever figure out why we have to take a Betsy Granger History Lesson?

You're facing her at Relentless, it seemed apropo.

Huh.

Both TKs are standing and watching. Past TK looks over at Past Bobby.

Are you done talking with yourself?

The TK you’ve been following butts in.

Nah.

Annoyed past TK looks back over at Time TK.

How would you know?

He was you before being enlightened by traveling through time.

Take that, Dalai Lama.

You mean Dolly Waters?

Both Bobbies shake their head 'no'.

Wait, could we go back in time and just castrate Betsy’s dad before he knocked her mom up?

We tried that, made a big old kerfuffle, yadda, yadda, yadda…

Yadda yadda yadda?

In every reality where Betsy isn't born never sells the XWF to Lane.

Huh. Weird.

Eh, it's not so weird. Those offsetting paradoxes, like I said, everything always comes full circle.

Cool.

Well, I want a snack, yo, TK, let’s check out what’s in the Circle K.

Alrighty.

TK and Time Bobby walk into the Circle K. Bobby sees beef jerky but second guesses it. TK goes and gets beer like he would any other time. Bobby decides on chips. They pay the clerk and step out of the Circle K. They look around and see Rufus.

Rufus!

Where's our time machine?

Rufus: Yeah, I'm going to take you through time and show you how to use it along the way.

Yeah, the thing about that, we're the Bastards from the future that you gave that time machine so we came here to tell ourselves to chillax!

They said they were the future Bastards going back to the right time.

The three look around for the machine and the past Bastards. Rufus facepalms.

Shit…

Don’t worry about it Rufus, Dude.

Yeah, We’ll be fine. We ended up here, didn’t we?

I mean, we did fuck off for a while but-

We did use that time to roast the dicks off a completely different tag team. So, I say we did pretty good!

You fucking know it!

Are you ready to go with me on an Excellent Adventure?

Bobby looks at TK who wants nothing more than to never time travel again.

No, I think we have a pretty good handle on what we have to do in order to pass the Betsy Granger history lesson.

In other words, Rufus. You can fuck off and remember when you go back to the future. Tell those guys to party on, fuckers, and be Bastardly to each other.

Rufus shakes his head.

Unfortunately for you guys, if you don’t come with me now. You'll never get the phone booth to come back to meet yourselves.

Why didn’t I think of that? TK, you ready?

TK looks disappointed.

Yeah, I fucking guess so. Wait… Did we ever find out why Lycana is relevant, goddamn it?

We sure did, TK, every step of the way.

We fucking did?

We sure did. You were right all along. Jimmy was just making sure you were really ready and not guessing. She’s only relevant because we made her that way. After Relentless that ends.

Goddamn right, Bobby, Goddamn right.

The movie fades to the credits without showing if Them No Good Bastards pass the Betsy Granger History Lesson. TK and Bobby get into the phone booth one more time. This narrator guesses you’ll find out if they passed in the sequel.


[bwo][/bwo]





Your screen fires up another commercial after the credits. You see an Alias Puppet watching some TV when the phone rings. The Alias puppet looks at the caller id that reads “Puppet Corey”. The Alias puppet answers, over flamboyantly.

Mmmm, what's up?

Your screen shows a scantily dressed Corey puppet holding the phone to its ear in one hand and the other is rubbing its puppet nipple. Puppet Corey greets the puppet Alias with the same tone.

Mmmm, what's up?

Your screen now shows the Alias puppet again, now shirtless, rubbing its nipple too, still with the exuberant tone.

Mmmm, what's up?

The screen changes to puppet Corey now under a white sheet, the sheet is moving vigorously and a very flamboyant response escapes its puppet lips.

Mmmm that’s amazing.

The sound of flamboyant “Mmmm genius” and “Mmmm amazing” from each puppet can be heard before the traditional BOB voiceover begins. The video feed is now bouncing back and forth between the Alias and Corey puppets’ white sheets rapidly moving.

When your taste buds can’t handle the real thing. Try DOC Light.








[bwo][/bwo]


Them No Good Bastards are still in the jazz club, still being filmed in black and white, and still your XWF Tag Team Champions. TK steps forward with his arms stretched, head half tilted back, cocky smile, wearing his noir-related zoot suit.

All hail, for your XWF Tag Team Champions, are home! You can sing praises of this Bastardly Age now. The history books will later, you can count on that shit! No Team has EVER skyrocketed a division higher! When we step into the ring carrying all of our bling and conquer everything that stands in our way. Crycana and Betsy Granger, whatever they decide to call themselves. It doesn’t matter they’re a footnote in this Age of Bastardly ascension.

TK raises his head and his hands up. Giving praise to Jesus Christ, himself.

So long live your tag team rulers and bow down.

TK lets his arms down and looks back into the camera.

We’re coming to Relentless to play fucking hard. We take no goddamn days off! Do you think this team of basic bitches is the only thing on our plate? Fuck and no. These are the second set of ass wipes we’re facing. So, Betsy, this isn’t some trial or rehearsal. You’re about to find out Them No Good Bastards are fucking eternal. Your job is to come out here and lie to the XWF fans around the world but you haven’t had the courage to make that first step into greatness. Nope, you’d rather hold off. While we lead the dance. We ain't fucking dancing on September 24th in that electrified steel cage. Talk about how you’re the team to upending our historic tag team title run.

TK gives an off-the-cuff jerking-off hang gesture without any of the pizazz because this team hasn’t deserved better.

We’ve got goddamn battle scars on our resume. We watched them all fall while we elevate higher and fucking higher. Something Betsy’s ass hasn’t realized is a loss to Crycana is a loss Them No Good Bastards will ever take. Unlike you, Bets. Weren’t you sworn enemies? Such a crock-a-shit. Dolly was right about Betsy, dawg.

TK smacks Bobby’s arm, Bobby smirks.

I saw those promo’s too. Ouch.

Now that we’re on the Tag Team throne, that shit is forever. It’s time to move along ladies and go fail at another XWF title opportunity. Sucks about that Shooting Star division, doesn’t it?

TK’s cocky smile went from arrogant to straight dickhead.

‘Ol Thunder Knuckles guess that’s another thing you two failed at, huh? You couldn’t keep your own division alive. Now you need to suck on the life force of ours to gain any notoriety. We aren’t playing hot potato with these-

Them No Good Bastards clink their XWF tag titles together.

-like you fucks did to kill that division. No, they’re staying with us post-Relentless. They’d have to put a team who wants to fight, in order for us to lose them. Not some scared-ass little girls who wait to be heard. Gimme those we are women roars now ladies. After we already said our peace. Real strong.

TK rolls his eyes.

Want to know something that really bothers me, Bobby?

Algebra.

Yicch, you're right but that's not where I was headed.

Geometry.

Yes, I have math anxiety, I'm not talking about goddamn math though.

Ooh, when you eat popcorn, and then like a little piece of popped kernel gets caught in your gums, and then suddenly you realize you're sitting on the wrong bus but you're halfway to Michigan now instead of Tennessee and you have double the struggle?

TK looks befuddled.

Uh, yeah, I guess that would bother me.

Happens to the best of us.

Nah. Betsy is off over in OCW, just like we are, and she hasn’t mentioned that she has a tag partner, not one goddamn time. What kinda fucking propped-up bullshit team is this? This is just another case of XWF management thinking they can just throw two random fuck-wits together and throw’em at the Bastards. Keep fucking throwin' them, guys. We’ll keep holding on to these goddamn beautiful things and continue making all those teams you hurl our way look fucking bad. Now they’re going to prance around the fucking halls like some kinda team. Get the fuck outta here with that noise.

That doesn't bother me one bit. Betsy isn't what we call the model team player. She threw her own husband and Legacy mates under the bus in her last promo, you think she's going to lift Lycana anywhere? Shit, the woman's greatest strength is her ability to flee and escape in a dopey blue box, not stand and deliver anything of any substance. It's interesting you bring that up, I guess it's another topic for Lycana and her to discuss in their next promo since a part of carrying an entire division across multiple companies is actually providing not only entertainment to the masses but conversation pieces to our opponents. Go figure, without us they have nothing to say!

Bobby and TK take a few steps away from each other, steal a dance partner each, and cut a rug for a brief moment to the swingin' sounds of the juke joint. They then abandon the dance partners, stepping back towards each other with a seamless and quite ravishing flourish of a no-look fistbump.

So, since we already did a splendid job of carving Betsy like a Thanksgiving turkey, exposing there's nothing inside the meat of her character but bread crumbs.

I fucking love stuffing.

We all do but nobody makes a reasonable meal of it. Anyhow, let's perform some weird science. Throw back the switch, the storm is in place, time to resurrect Lycana so we can slay her yet again. So, Lycana, back again, here to prove you just can't get it done with someone who won't get it done, only you're hoping Betsy strokes her five-inch long clit-dick to you getting fucked up on a massive broadcast instead of Marf. Fuck the notion that Betsy hasn't brought you up in OCW. We have, and you're welcome for the promotion, but where's the support for Marf anyhow? Your bosom buddy and pet cuck is in position to be in a position to win the Hart Championship and you haven't done a damn thing to help him prepare for one of the biggest matches of his career whatsoever. Shit, you know what? That means you've changed the narrative entirely. Wolves are pack animals, and you dumped him off at the shelter like you couldn't afford to buy his kibbles and heartworm medicine. I want you to meet someone.

Bobby whistles. Into the jazz bar charges a Rottweiler.



Most of the club's cool vibe is shattered on her arrival as people literally have to jump out of the way of the animal.

Oh, what the fuck man, we're supposed to be doing noir-related shit.

Bobby squats next to the dog, who sits on his left foot. She makes a slight, high pitched sound as she yawns, the cocks her head and gives Bobby a single slurp on his nose.

That’s gross.

Poppycock.

Bobby pets his dog. She immediately raises her mug skyward and looks sublimely pleased at the affection.

So, this is Leila. She's a good girl. I know that no matter what, if I'm in a bad way, she’s just around the corner and ready to keep me some company. Besides TK, she is easily the most faithful and loyal companion that anyone could ever hope for. She helps me finish pizza, lets me know when the mail arrives, and thinks other dogs are stuck in the TV when one pops on the screen. She also barks at horses.

How often does she see horses?

Enough for me to know she barks at them. You see, Leila is the finest example of a dog I could ever showcase. I have a bond with her and she with me. On that note, we gotta whoop the shit outta Lycana and Betsy come Relentless. Y'all give the word 'bitch' a bad name, and this little pooch deserves better representation.

The shot fades to black with the band winding down and Bobby petting his dog.