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Agent Orange · (07-03-2013)

FINCH’S COMIC STATION – ARLEN, TX

**The scene opens up on Agent Orange wearing a T-Shirt with the official Wildcard Weekend Pay-Per-View poster screen printed on the front of it; he’s just inside the Finch’s Comic Station doors and he has his black baseball bat with barbed wire (that’s been painted orange) wrapped around it. The staff looks rather concerned with the cameras and the guy with the baseball bat**

Agent Orange: Ladies and Gentlemen, it is the weekend of Wildcard Weekend and the XWF’s biggest stars are coming out to contest highlight reel matches. A lot of these contests of physical strength will propel my fellow XWF athletes into legend status, mythical proportions; heroes if you will. You need to excuse me and my attitude, I am still trying to surrender my pride and accept the fact that I’ve only been with the XWF for one match and that this year’s Wildcard Weekend just doesn’t have Agent Orange in the deck and ready to deal. That’s not to say that the opportunities aren’t already pouring in. This Wednesday, the first show after Wildcard Weekend and three of the warriors that are giving their all at Wildcard Weekend are being thrown right back to the wolves with a stacked card that can’t be missed.

**Agent Orange starts traveling through the Comic Book store and comes to a life sized cut-out of Jason Mamoa as Conan the Barbarian.**

Agent Orange: Kind of looks like Steve Davids, doesn’t it? The only thing that’s missing is that no one had the foresight to put the XWF Xtreme Title on it. Crimson Cobra and John Austin have done things to bring themselves to the dance and sure Steve has done some things that have been distasteful, that haven’t been in the best frame of mind. If you want to pull a man out of darkness, if you want him to find his way, how do you help him? You give him purpose, you give him a goal and something to strive for. Steve Davids is a man with demons but praise the Lord, that man is clear because he has purpose. You take a man who is dangerous because he has no aim and you give him direction, what do you get? You’ve just taken a dangerous man and you’ve made him lethal. The XWF viewing audience as my witness, I believe that I am going into a tag team match with a champion. I like those odds.

**Agent Orange keeps walking through the store and comes to a poster of Superman facing off with Lex Luthor**

Agent Orange: Now here’s an interesting comparison: a man of the people with a greed for life pitting his wit and know how against a man who was born in the stars. Seems almost prophetic, doesn’t it? Wildcard Weekend is big enough as it is but Tony Santos has been given the opportunity to seize the brass ring against the man that failure has forgotten. There are industry insiders, kids in their basements feeding the dirt sheets and XWF wrestlers alike who are chewing their nails in anticipation. There are bookies in Vegas who won’t touch this one; the anxiety is building and after Wildcard Weekend, the questions are answered. The scores are settled and the bad blood has been bled. Not even seventy-two hours after a winner has been declared they will have to step foot into the ring as partners and equals. Mr. Satellite and Tony Santos will have to swallow any grudge that has begun swelling in their psyches and have to cooperate, I like those odds.

**Agent Orange moves on to a Sci-Fi movie display and spins his barbed wire bat in his hand**

Agent Orange: I tell you, Wildcard Weekend is going to be hot and I can’t help but to nurse a seething disappointment that I won’t be on the card, but those are the breaks, right? I’m new, I have to pay my dues and earn the respect I get, that’s how it goes. …but tell me, fans of the XWF. How does some a**hole who gets an erection over Astronomy class command your respect? I get that the viewing audience is young and edgy, that you want a more evolved champion to rally behind; am I the only one who sees that you are worshipping a man who talks through a robot like some kind of god****d serial killer? Is that what gets you going? There are kids who are infesting junior high schools who do the exact same thing and their only hope for losing their virginity is that it happens by accident at a bakery. Take one of those kids, put him in a wrestling ring and now he gets more tail than a taxidermist?

**Orange takes his bat and smashes one of the tall robot displays, over and over until the pieces are unrecognizable.**

Store Clerk: Hey! You can’t do that!

Agent Orange: People more important than you are talking, Captain Kirk! I WILL come over there, put your retainer down my pants and force it back into your mouth. DO. NOT. PUSH. ME!

**Orange turns back to the camera**

Agent Orange: I’m getting agitated because I don’t understand. I’m sure there is a good explanation but I have no interest in hearing it. It’s frames of mind just like mine that lead to acts of misguided entitlement. See, I believe that I am better than you, that my existence makes more sense than yours and that because you are different, I need to get rid of you. That’s a dangerous line of thought that has blackened the history of many nations; I don’t like thinking like that but when some a**hole parades around with a talking iPod I assume its disrespect. Take a man who has been institutionalized and pair him with a man who has everything to prove with a wild hair up his ass and you’re in for a real bad night.

**Agent Orange walks over to the counter, he rears the bat back like he’s going to hit the clerk. The clerk flinches and Orange laughs.**

Agent Orange: Now Tony, I don’t know why you’d agree to a whip match with Mr. TouchMyTouchScreen but your sex life is truly none of my concern. Actually, I hope you two beat the will to live out of each other. Do you know what it would mean if I could walk out of Wednesday Warfare with a two-for-one over Mr. BigBrotherIsWatching and Tony Santos only my second match in? It would mean that Agent Orange has still got it, that I can still throw my name in the hat and still come out on top. So you go right ahead, go all Roots on Mr. RockEmSockEmRobots and you get that title. Get the brass ring, Tony; don’t let no one stop you either. I want you to walk into Warfare with that gold around your waist, the marks from a crime of passion all over your back and nothing keeping you standing when you see the future coming at you. Tony, Mr. E-ScienceTheatre3000; live long and prosper, a**wipes.

**Agent Orange leaves a wad of cash on the counter for the stuff he broke and kicks the door to the comic shop open; he leaves.**

Fin.

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