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Shawn Warstein · (09-01-2021)

So yeah Noah Cuntrissian sold them out to keep his clearly Sick As Fuck Cloud City safe. There they stood, a broken ass droid, Princess Baea and Mainbacca. The cunt known as Darth Fury begins to speak. Shan pulls out his blaster.

“Pew pew pew!”

“Dammit Shan you don’t have to make the noises yourself!” Baea exclaims before Vader force pulls the blaster away from him.

“Is he an idiot?” Darth Fury says while tilting her head.

“No, he’s just a scruffy nerfherder.” Baea rolls her eyes towards Shan.

A scowl comes across Shan’s face. “That’s racist.”

“Not now Shan.” The broken ass droid chimes in.

“I don’t need to hear it from you, you pile of nuts and bolts!” Shan raises a fist as the group steadily pays no attention to the looming threat as Thunder Fett walks in the room and stands at Fury’s side. Mainbacca is holding Shan back from getting to the droid. “If I had my blaster!”

“Are they literally fighting each other right now?” Fett tilts his helmet.

A sigh from Vader. “It appears so.”With the flick of her wrist Vader pulls Shan away from the group and knocks him into the wall, causing the gang to look in Vader's direction. “Now if we can all sit. I have prepared a feast for us.”

Vader takes a seat at the head of the table and Fett sits to his right. Shan and Cuntrissian look at each other and begin to fight for the chair next to Vader.

“Stop it cunt! I sold you out. That’s my spot!” Growls Noah as the two men struggle.

“Yeah but router face is only here because of my bounty!” Shan elbows Noah in the throat, and scurries across the floor.

“But I tricked you! That’s for taking away the Falcon!” Cuntrissian grabs hold of Shan’s foot to stop his momentum.

“You lost it fair and square!”The two men continue to fight as Baea and Mainbacca sit down at the far end of the table. “Stop acting like a child!”

“Child me?!? You’re the one trying to sit next to the most powerful person in the galaxy!” Noah yells as his fingers reach the chair.

“Second most powerful.”Shan stops and breaks the fourth wall with a wink, and then hammers his fist down on the hand of Noah. He recoils, grabbing his hand. Shan shoves him aside and leaps into the chair. Smiling at Cuntrissian. “Take a seat boy.”

From there Vader drones on and on about this and that. To be quite honest I don’t think anyone was really listening. Mainbacca wasn’t about to turn away free food. Baea was too busy contemplating how she was going to slit Cuntrissian’s throat, and Shan’s gaze never left Thunder Fett.

“So you’re the big bad bounty hunter? Got your shit all fucked up by a blind kid? Yeah that actually tracks for the bitchside. Always thinking you’re one up but in reality you’re playing behind the eight ball.” Shan leans back in the chair with two legs coming off the ground. “You don’t even know which way is up. Look at you, all those trophies and still no respect. Meanwhile Yoven and I still get more respect and we don’t even need to show up. You and that mongrel Bobby The Hutt can keep our names out of your mouth as if we were a burger at In-and-Out.”

“But you’re here now and soon I will collect my bounty” Fett says while acknowledging Vader.

“Ahh yes the bounty. Right. Poor Bobby and Thunder can’t get what they want so they have to resort to others doing their dirty work for them. Can’t get our attention so you throw a spat and hope mommy and daddy get you what you want. You two are both the Veruca Saults of the Bitchside.” Shan stands up from the chair and begins to stop around. “Mommy Vader! The meanies won’t acknowledge our existence, please help!”Shan looks at Vader and shugs. “Guess we both know about helping out the less than fortunate.”

“Oi!”Cuntrissian scoffs.

“Shut it. So what’s the plan? Pass me off to bitch face over here? Take them and quell the uprising?” Shan poses to Vader.

“Something like that.” Vader points for a Trooper. He rushes up knowing that this is his big moment. Shan Solo at point blank range. “Prepare the chamber for subject number one.” The Troopers shoulders drop. He nods and runs out of the room. “Soon, but for now it would be rude of me to not allow our guests a chance to finish their meal.”

It was then when the severity of the situation was felt. As much as Shan played it cool you could tell that maybe, just a little bit he was worried. Troopers came in and gathered them all up. Leading them down a long corridor.

“He’s no good to me dead.” Fett says as they make their way down the hall.

“I have no intention of killing him. You’ll get your bounty.”Vader responds without breaking her stride. Cuntrissian hurried up from the back.

“Cunt what about my city? And the princess and the overgrown Ewok?”

“Keep them in the city. That was our bargain to keep your people safe.”Unnerving as always the door at the end of the hallway hisses open. “Do not make me regret our deal.”

The doors close. After a long and extremely uncomfortable silence the doors hiss open. The group is led down a flight of rickety stairs.

“Damn Cuntrissian, can’t afford better?” Mainbacca says.

“When did the furry cunt learn to speak?” A bewildered Noah asks.

“He’s not wrong.” Baea shrugs and is immediately tapped by Shan. “But now isn’t the time.”

They reach the bottom of the staircase, and are surrounded by Troopers. Each one is as indescribable as the next. Each mindlessly following orders. Shan leans into the ear of Noah.

“What’s going on here, pal?”

“You’re being put into a carbonite freeze.” Noah replies with a slightly concerned look on his face.

[res]“Just a trial run for when we get Skywalker and transport him to the Emperor.[/red] Vader points towards Shan.

“He means much more to me if he lives.” Thunder matter of factly responded.

“Yes I’m aware! He’s one of the main characters. He will be fine and you will be compensated either way. Prepare the chamber.” Vader demands his subordinates. Baea and Shan share a look as he’s placed into position.

A far cry from his normal smarmy charm Shan looks genuinely scared. Sensing that Baea breaks free for a moment.

“God can’t believe I’m about to say this, but, I love you.”

It takes a moment for it to register to Shan.

“Ewwww gross! You mean like a brother right!?”

The sounds of pistons whirring, smoke rising from the floor. Shan holds his hands up in a defensive position. Resigned to his fate he smirks at Drewk and Beia. Defiant to the end he holds up two middle fingers.

“This is fucking cold. Wait, I can still hear myself? Dope. And no one else can hear me? Even better.”

The carbonite husk falls to the ground with a resounding thud. Beia has a look of determination and fear in her eyes. All Mainbacca can do is watch. Cuntrissian checks the vitals of his former friend.

“He appears to be alive.” Noah stands up from the body.

“Yeah I’m alive you cunt! And when I get out of this I’m going to kick you mother fu——-”

“Good. Prepare for Skywalker's arrival.” Darth Fury instructs Thunder Fett and the troopers. “I want him taken as soon as he arrives, prepare the chamber for him as well.” Several orderlies begin to prepare for the next arrival.

An officer comes in, running and out of breath.“Sir, Skywalker has arrived.”

“Good. Thunder Fett, he's all yours.” Darth Fury nods towards the fat bounty hunter, and walks out of the room. A few troopers follow behind leaving Fett and the crew. “Change of plans Cuntrissian.Bring the princess and the beast to my ship.”

Several men load up the frozen Shan and begin to cart him away, as troopers gather up Baea and Mainbacca.

“Hey take it easy with the merchandise!” Shan hollers to no one in particular. “I guess this is what I’m resigned to now. Talking to myself, good thing I like listening to myself otherwise this could get downright boring. So let’s take a look at the odds we are facing. Emperor Dickbreath is all but assured to go first. Right? I mean without him they Bobs are nothing. He’s the only person that brings them any kind of clout. They lost Dixon because they couldn’t keep him happy. They lost the Themis’ because they didn’t know how to constantly shower them with praise, because as always it’s about him, and him alone. Think about it. You have all these people at your beckoning, and you use it to challenge for a title that you know you had no chance. And what a surprise, bright lights. Dickface on his own, and he loses. Why am I not shocked? Wait, I’m not. No one is. You’ve lost a step, or fifty since I last put your ass down in the middle of the ring. Then again people could say that about me, but also I don’t give a shit about other people and their thoughts like you do. Hmm I wonder what Drewk is up to?”

The camera harshly cuts to Drewk flying into the city, landing and following the trail. He finds Vader leading Mainbacca and the princess to his ship.

“Well this can’t be good. I’ve got to get to them.”

Drewk follows them for a moment and tries to begin a rescue attempt as Baea sees him.

“Stop. It’s a tr——” She bellows out as the door shuts in front of him.

“Well that’s not good. There has to be another way to get to them.” Drewk follows down a hallway and right as he turns another door is shut in his face. “Now I know that’s not good.” Down the hall doors are shutting on either side of him. He’s caught like a mouse in a maze, just following where the doors lead him.

The carbonite husk is heavier than anticipated, making transport more difficult.

“This sucks. I mean not as much as Fury does but it’s almost that bad. Look it’s one thing to have my blood resign me to certain death, wait that’s not supposed to happen until the next trilogy. Someone should hit him with a fucking car, anyways, it’s one thing to get him to turn his back on me. It’s something different when you grab your ankles to get ahead. Or did you give head to get ahead? I don’t know, y’all do everything backwards and most of it is beyond the realm of reality. It’s no wonder I’ve walked away from the XWF and never got hit with the backlash of all the bullshit that goes on here day to day. Fucking hell. With you guys in charge I’ve seen Anarchy somehow go further down the tubes. I saw the BWO fail harder than Big D trying to be good at something. Maybe one day you’ll all learn that maybe upper management isn’t for you. You’re all worker drones. Fall in line. Do as you're told. And for the love of all that is holy, stop pretending to be better than you are. Back to the good stuff I guess.”

Vader breaks away from the security convoy leaving Mainbacca and Baea in the hands of a few Troopers. One of them falls face first to the ground, then a second one, and then the final two. Baea and Main turn around to see Noah Cuntrissian with a cheesy smile on his face and a thumbs up.

“Oh you mother fucker!” Mainbacca lunges towards him but Noah sidesteps and dangles the keys out.

“You want to get out of here in one piece, I’m your only hope right now.” He begins to undo the shackles on Baea. “Sorry about this ya know.”

Baea swings and smacks Noah upside the head. “You idiot! We’ve got to get Shan.”

“Don’t you think I know that?!? Why do you think I’m here?” He undoes the shackles on Mainbacca.“I’m not supposed to kill him until the next trilogy.” Noah glances at the camera and gives a wink.

“You’re just like him, you know? Don’t think ahead and put yourself in dangerous situations.” Baea takes a deep breath. “Where is Shan?”

“He’s getting loaded up onto Fett’s ship.”

“And?”

“And if you follow me we might be able to get to him.” Cuntrissian takes the lead as the other two follow behind tentatively.

“Mainey, you know what to do if he steps out of line.” Baea says to Mainbacca and is met with a nod and growl.

The frozen Shan is haplessly being loaded onto Fett's ship, but is taking longer than anticipated.

“Allllll byyyyyy myyyyyyy seeeelllllllfffffff.” Shan sings to himself loudly when suddenly he stops. “What is that god awful smell? It’s like Fritos, urine, bad mistakes, repressed sexual fantasies and an over reliance on axe body spray. I know where we are. Thunder’s ship. I remember the phrase from War Games. If one wins we all win. Well not a single one of you won, so that must make you all losers, yeah? It’s called the transitive property. Look it up. If one is a fact then the other must be as well. Sure Bobby moved on, but he didn’t win. No, instead Bob was once again overshadowed. At first by Me. Then by themselves and now by Alias and Corey. Hell no one wants to come for the Tag Team titles because you're holding them. It has nothing to do with fear, no. It has everything to do with Why? Why would anyone want to fight the two of you? Neither of you have any name recognition. Neither of you have any clout outside of these walls. Ope, forgot about OCW and their titles. Again a federation that needed a tournament to drum up interest in titles that you two currently hold. You bring nothing to the table, yet you think you’re the big baddies. Congrats, you’re playing in the shallow end of the pool and while the big kids swim in the deep end you’re scared because Momma Fury forgot your floaties. Don’t take my silence as I don’t hear you. I do. I just couldn’t give two singular shits about you two.”

“Did that somehow become the both of them? Sure did. Moving right along.”

Baea, Cuntrissian and Mainbacca reach the loading dock but as soon as they step foot outside they watch at Fett’s ship flies off.

“You stupid….”Baea begins to swing at Noah. “Idiot! This all could’ve been avoided! You could’ve told us! We could’ve had a plan!”

“Does Shan strike you as someone to go with a plan?” Cuntrissian blocks the final blow.

[orange[“He’s got a point.”[/orange]Mainbacca snarls.

“Ugh. Fine. What do we do now?”

“I have an idea. We gotta move quickly.”

Noah rushes away as the two heroes shrug and follow behind, meanwhile Drewk has reached the carbonite freezing chamber. He cautiously walks into the room. A loud hiss emanates from the back as Vader steps into the room.

“Hey! Back to me!”

The frozen Shan rattles back and forth.

“Where was I? Oh yeah useless assholes. Hey! Hey! Where are you going?!?”

Baea and Co, reach the loading dock and there they spot the Falcon. They quickly check for any troopers and climb aboard the ship.

“Please tell me…”

“It was mine before it was his. Mainey take up second position. We can get out of here and then figure out how to get Shan.”

Mainbacca hops into the pilot seat and begins flipping switches.

“Aww baby what did he do to you? 9 parsecs? I would’ve done it in 8 flat.” Cuntrissian flips through a log book and then tosses it aside. “Princess you might want to take a seat we are in for a bumpy ride.”

The makeshift crew flies off out of the hangar, trying to get a lock on Fett’s ship. Meanwhile in the back.

“Do you like pina coladas…. And getting caught in the rain?…. Oh my bad didn’t realize you’d be back so soon. So who is left. The monster Oswald? No one cares about that stupid fuck. Hell he couldn’t even keep his own fucking faction to himself. He’s being used and abused. Pretty sure he’s suffering from Stockholm syndrome. Where ‘no it’s okay they really care about me’, Oz do you really think you’d be here if they had ANY other choice? I mean seriously think about it. Our side and our numbers have never wavered. You knew who was coming and nothing changed. Y’all on the other hand have had so many different people in and out, it’s like you’re better suited for the Vegas strip. Crack them legs open Big Money Oz, daddy Page needs to find more useless and idiotic plots to make himself watchable. How many character shifts is he on? Fuck that, how many are you on?”

The frozen carbonite rattles around as shitty country music plays. Thunder Fett is so assured of himself.

“Guy is a fucking moron. And speaking of character changes. Then there’s a fucking robot. Seriously? And people wonder why I up and left. Who is expected to believe this shit? Sure Wizards, and zombies I can buy. A little bit of misdirection and some makeup, boom. Totally believe able. Then you look at the state of modern robotics, current setting aside, and you have robots that can barely get up after falling over and THAT'S THEIR ONE JOB. Traverse the terrain, and they fail at that. So what am I to expect from you? Don’t think that I Didn't notice you going through all the old posts for I assume research. Did you find what your looking for? Good. So that leads me to this. Either you are a robot destined to fail, or you’re a legit robot which means you have to follow Asimov's Three Laws. So in all reality I don’t think we should even bother with you. Damn BoB for all the money you have you could’ve thrown a brinks truck at Thad or Corey to fill a spot. Couldn’t find anyone to fit the bill? You’re loss, not mine. Man I wonder what the rest of the crew is up to? Hope they are trying to save me, my balls itch like a mother fucker. Seriously hope Drewk doesn’t get any life altering information or lose a hand or some shit like that. Would totally throw the mission off course.”

Vader approaches Drewk.

“I sense great strength in you.”

“Yeah. I took a multivitamin this morning.” Drewk readies his hand over his light saber.

“Join me on the BoB side and together we can rule the galaxy.” Vader’s saber lights up. The red glow shrouds the room. Drewk takes a step back and fires up his saber. The two combatants’ sabers spark as they swing them wildly.

“Burzzzz. Spakow…. Burzzzz”

“Are—— are you making the noises with your mouth?” Fury drops her saber to her side.

“Uhhh” Drewk shrugs. _mm_2“Shan said it increases my force strength.”[/mm]

“He lied.” Fury shakes her head.

“I figured, he is a liar.” Drewk takes a deep breath. “It is fun tho.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

They both ready their sabers. Drewk continues to make the sounds with his mouth, as Vader continues to press forward.

Before long they are on a ledge on the outside. The wind is blowing as Fury continues to strike hard. Drewk’s back foot slips and Fury chops of his right hand.

“Ooooowwwwww!”

“Oh shit!”

“That’s the hand I use to master—— Master being a Jedi.”

“Right.”

Vader presses forward. Drewk slides along the ledge. Vader kicks him in the stomach causing Drewk to fall. Hanging precariously onto an antenna like structure.

“Join me.”

“Never!”

“Drewk your mother turned me away.”

“My mother was nothing like you!”

“Drewk…. I am your mother!”

The shock on Drewks face quickly turns to confusion.

“Wait. Aren’t we like the same age?”

“Dude! Just go with it!”

Drewk thinks about it for a split second.

“Nah. I’m good. Later Vader.”

Drewk let go of the antanne and begins to fall through the air. Vader shakes her head while watching him fall. Drewk extends a middle finger in her direction.

He gets sucked into a chute and bangs around for a minute before stopping his momentum. Holding on he harnesses his force power to contact Baea.

“Uhh, hey soooooo long story.”

“Where are you?”

“About that.”

“We are on our way.”

The Falcon makes a quick turn and flys under the city. It slowly rises up. Drewk slowly drags himself towards the door, where he is grabbed by the big furry mit of Mainbacca.

The hangar door on the Falcon shuts as it speeds off into space, leaving Vader irate, as the camera fades to...

“No— Fuck that!” Shan’s voice is heard. “Y’all are just gonna leave me here until the next one? Oh fuck you guys! Oh well. Booty Booty Booty Booty Rockin Everywhere!”

The sounds on Shan singing to himself continue on as the camera fades to black.

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