Since the massacre on the planet by the World Killers, we were forced to live in shelter, fear, and isolation. The RoBoBs, which were designed by Oswald to assist in carrying out BoB missions and stuff, became corrupted and super extra-evil and didn’t just turn on BoB, it became their sole purpose to destroy them.
It was only a matter of time before what remained of the human race would starve to death and die out, leaving the World Killers to forever roam the earth alone forever….. Destroying everything until there was nothing left.
With the few BoB members that were left………. Miss Fury, Oswald, and me, Ol’ Thunder Knuckles…….. We devised a plan using a time machine we had lying around to go back in time and change the future. Stop this shit from happening. The problem was, the time machine was broke as shit! We needed to break into a secret government lab to retrieve the part we needed to repair it.
The mission was a success, unfortunately it wasn’t without casualties. Both Miss Fury and Oswald lost their lives in RoBoB ambushes. There was nothing I could fucking do to save them except follow through with the mission and go back and stop the RoBoBs from being built or deactivate them before it was too late or some shit.
I made it back and got to Fury….
But what I didn’t realize was…….
I wasn’t fuckin’ alone.
The Fuckin’ Name’s Thunder Knuckles, Bitch
It was a beautiful evening in New York City. The city lights flickered like the stars in the clear sky above and the temperature read around 18c. A cool, soothing breeze carried dust and debris throughout the empty streets. Traffic was low in this part of town, especially at this time of night. Even the hobos were half tucked away in their bunks in the alleyways and under the bridges. They especially knew what came out at night and avoided it at all costs.
This part of town was known for mischief at all times of the day, so at night, it was tenfold. The area consisted of old industrial buildings. Some in operation behind large chain-linked, barbed wire fences. Others abandoned for years and used as who-knows-what. Probably hide-outs or crackhouses. Besides the industrial park, there was one other place in operation in the midst of it all. A small bar where all thugs in the area would try to congregate, do drugs, commit atrocities, etc. Everyone would get along and enjoy the luxury for what it was MOST of the time, but it was never a surprise if a bar-wide brawl started or someone got dragged outside and shot. These weren’t even close to high-end, organized thugs, either. These were bottom of the barrel, wacked-out, gimme your fucking money bitch street thugs and they still had the decency to drag someone outside before capping him. Even animals know you don’t shit where you eat, I guess.
Speaking of!
It wasn’t far past half past midnight when a storm quickly brewed in literally out of nowhere. The wind picked up and the newspapers, soda bottles, paper wrappers, leaves, and small twigs that were blowing in the street began to swirl together in little twisters. A dark cloud rolled in and covered the sky above the bar and then opened up. A rainbow laser beam then shot down from the hole and down behind the place followed by a flash of lightning that struck with it! In just a few seconds the rainbow laser beam was gone and the night sky was back to its clear starry goodness. Just as all of this finished going down, the bar door swings open with such force that it bangs off the concrete wall outside. Four large, leather-clad men drag out a much smaller man in rough shape already and it doesn’t look like the men have put the boots to him yet, if that was their intention.
They toss him a couple of feet where he lands on his stomach and face on the pavement. Out of breath, he rolls over with his hands in front of him in an attempt to shield any additional violence coming his way. But the four men stand down. Through the still open doorway another leather-clad man emerges smoking a cigar. He is much smaller than his crew, a lot smaller, and resembles a mini Rob Halford. He walks slowly, staring at the man on the ground through his red tinted Oakley's.
“Jimmy…. Jimmy…. Jimmy.…. Tsk… Tsk.. Tsk…”
With every click of his tongue, his finger pokes the air towards Jimmy.
“Come on, Big Jon! This was just a little misunderstanding is all!”
“A ‘little’ misunderstanding, huh?”
The four large leather-clad men shy away from the comment. It’s apparent that the ‘big’ in ‘Big Jon’ is more of a complex than a prefix.
“Now, that’s not what I meant, Big Jon. Come on, I…”
“You what, Jimmy?”
Big Jon kneels down and blows smoke in Jimmy’s face.
“What part of stay the fuck out of my bar until you PAY ME BACK didn’t you understand?”
“I know, I know! I fucked up!”
“You owe me money, Jimmy. I told you to keep your ugly, toothless fucking grin out of my sight UNTIL you had it in FULL.”
“I KNOW! And that’s the thing, Big Jon! I only had a little bit of money! Not enough to pay ya back but I was gonna get it back! I had the hot hand tonight, man! I’m serious! I was gonna win ya back, Big Jon! I swear!”
Big Jon huffs out another cloud of smoke and rises up to his feet.
“How much were you up, Jimmy?”
“$400.”
Puckering his lips and nodding, Big Jon turns his back and starts back towards the door. He stops after a couple of steps then looks to the two large leather-clad men beside him.
“Rooster. Noisemaker. Get this asshole to his feet.”
“Come on, Big Jon! I was trying to do ya good! I swear!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Big Jon shouts as his two leather-clad henchmen lift Jimmy to his feet.
“Trying to do me good, huh? Or were you trying to sneak one by old, Big Jon? You heard I was out of town, didn’t ya, Jimmy? You knew you could weasel your way through the door and try and score a little bit behind my back and still play it off like your some broke ass bitch. Well, I sniffed you out mother fucker.”
Big Jon lines up his knuckles and buries a fist into Jimmy’s gut. Jimmy loses his legs and his breath as he falls, but remains held up by Rooster and Noisemaker. Big Jon looks two his other two leather-clad henchmen, Butch and Roy, and thumbs back to the crying crackhead.
“Make sure if he decides to sneak back into the bar he’s crawling, not walking, boys.”
Butch slides some brass knuckles on while Roy extends a telescopic steel baton. They both approach the victim who is now being held down to his knees. He pleads to them and just before Big Jon reaches the threshold to the bar someone shouts from across the parking lot.
”Unhand that fucking Jimmy!”
Noisemaker and Rooster rubberneck behind them and Big Jon pushes between Butch and Roy to see who dared to intervene with his business. He peers across the parking lot which is now filling up with a fog from the phenomenon they just missed a little earlier. Big Jon tosses the cigar down and removes his red Oakleys, turning to both Butch and Roy he motions them ahead.
“Who the fuck goes there?! Identify yourself!”
The figure in the mist says nothing.
“You hear me, mother fucker?! Who?! Are?! You?!”
The figure takes a step forward from the mist and stands under a streetlight. It’s none other than Ol’ Old Man Thunder Knuckles who just traveled back in time. As he stands tall in the streetlight, another crack of lightning streaks across the sky followed by another loud thunder.
“What year is it?”
OMTK finally says, looking around at the not so destroyed city in the distance. Big Jon looks at his leather-clad cronies and shakes his head.
“Is this joker deaf, or what?”
He laughs. The leather-clad henchmen chuckle. Jimmy, still terrified, tries looking behind him but is held in place by the two brutes.
“I’m gonna beat your ass back to 2020 if you don’t tell me who the fuck you are and why you decided to come an meddle in my business.”
“Fuck!”
Old Man Thunder Knuckles says out loud to himself.
“Am I too late?”
Big Jon throws his arms up and motions for Roy and Butch towards him.
“You know, what? Teach this mother fucker a lesson in some manners when he’s in the presence of Big Jon. Don’t kill him, I still wanna talk to him.”
“Yes, sir!”
“You got it, boss!”
Roy and Butch together approach OMTK. Roy is the first to take a swing with his baton, but OMTK dodges it. He grabs Roy by his arm and shoulder, and swings him into the steel street light post behind him. His head makes a loud *PING* noise as it bounces off. Roy hits the ground hard not before he drops the baton. As it is still in midair, OMTK grabs it and cracks Butch across the face with it knocking a few bloody teeth onto the pavement. He groans and limps like a wounded dog while grasping his jaw.
“Muuurr fuurrrr bro muh raw!!!!”
“Jesus Christ….”
Big Jon motions for his biggest leather-clad henchman to attack. Noisemaker lets go of Jimmy, obnoxiously cracks his knuckles, and steps forward. OMTK smiles and darts towards him! He overhand throws the baton striking Rooster in the head, freeing Jimmy who then runs away from the scene much to Big Jon’s disapproval!
While OMTK is a big guy, Noisemaker still towers over him. A shoulder charge from OMTK barely budges him and Noisemaker retaliates with a big swing. OMTK ducks and lands a fury of punches to the man’s leather-clad gut before lifting him up in the air by his balls and “choke slamming” him down to the ground dick-first.
“Okay, mother fucker!”
Big Jon pulls out a revolver hidden in his pants under his leather jacket and points it at OMTK.
He shoots once, OMTK side steps the bullet. Another shot, followed by another, then another, until Big Jon empties all the chambers. He gives his once trusty weapon which has now apparently betrayed him a puzzled look and lets it drop from his hand as OMTK now stands over him.
“I asked YOU a question, MOTHER FUCKER. What. God. Damn. Year. Is. It?!”
OMTK grabs Big Jon by the throat and forces him down. OMTK has to bend in a near perfect right angle to get in this guy’s face.
“2021! 2021!!! Jesus Christ!! What the fuck is wrong with you? Who are you?!”
“The fuckin’ name’s Thunder Knuckles, bitch. XWF megastar and savior of this fucking planet. And I don’t much take too kindly to a Jimmy getting beaten down, unless it’s by me.”
“What do you want?!”
OMTK squeezes a little harder around Big Jon’s neck. He lifts the little big man up with one hand and tosses him back.
“Empty your pockets.”
“I don’t have anything! I swear!”
OMTK sniffs the air. He smiles and, while shaking his head, waves a finger back and forth.
“Tsk… Tsk….”
He clicks his tongue much like Big Jon was to Jimmy earlier.
“I can smell the cheddar in your pocket, mother fucker. Give it up. AND your keys. I need a god damn ride.”
“You son of a bitch! You won’t get away with this! Do you know who I am?”
OMTK gives a one-of-a-kind jerking-off hand gesture.
“Big Jon, right? Not so big now, huh?”
Big Jon retrieves a bundle of keys from his jacket pocket and tosses them on the ground in front of OMTK.
“The money?”
Murmuring curse words under his breath, Big Jon reaches into his tight leather pants and pulls out a wad of cash. He reaches out with it in his hand and motions it for OMTK to take.
“That’s more like it!”
OMTK yells out and reaches for the money. In a flash, Big Jon pulls out a switchblade and lunges forward from the ground missing OMTK! In another flash, OMTK grabs Big Jon’s foot and hits a Thunderstrike!!!!
“AHHHHH!!!!!!”
Big Jon screams out in pain and grabs his broken leg!!
“You bastard!!! YOU NO GOOD BASTARD!!! YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS!!!”
OMTK reaches down and picks up the pack of cigars and the switchblade that made their way to the ground during the altercation. He pockets the switchblade and pulls one of the cigars from the pack and lights it up. Glaring down with a smile towards Big Jon.
“TK don’t pay for shit.”
Holding up the keys, OMTK presses the button to hear a double chirp behind him. He turns around to see a beat up 2004 Ford Focus. OMTK smirks and looks down to Big Jon with a sad look.
“Really, BJ??”
BoB of Future Past: The Director’s Cut
Meanwhile, deep in the city, we catch up with Miss Fury moments after her meeting with Vita Valenteen at Vita’s gym. As we know, the meeting didn’t go as planned for Fury. After their crazy past, we can’t say that it wasn’t expected for Vita to turn her away.
After a short walking montage trying to sort her brain, a noise behind her derails any train of thought she might have had. Turning around, with her defenses up, she sees nothing. She scans the area a bit longer then continues ahead. Her sixth sense has been activated and knows for a fact that she is being followed.
She cuts down a dark alley and doubles her walking speed. The movement behind her picks up, too, and she cuts another corner, then quickly another. Coming up to an intersecting alleyway, she quickly hops onto a dumpster and up to the fire escape where she waits. In a few seconds, her senses were 100% accurate, someone in a hood runs out into the open. They stand looking down one way then another.
”Fuck….”
They swear aloud and kick the dirt. Miss Fury’s eyes narrow as she studies her stalker. While their back is turned, she drops down and grabs a rail from the fire escape. In a quick swing she uses her momentum to flip through the air and kick them in the back. Staggering forward they catch themselves on a group of garbage cans lined up alongside a building. The hooded stalker turns around yielding a knife, but as soon as they notice who it is they back off. Fury doesn’t hesitate and kicks the knife from their hand anyway and sends it sliding across the ground then follows up with another kick straight to the hood’s gut. They fly back again against the garbage cans, but then quickly remove their hood. It’s Ol’ Old Man Thunder Knuckles!
“Whoa! Hold on now! Listen! I know this shit is about to sound crazy, but you gotta’ believe me when I say its the fucking truth!”
Miss Fury notices the gray in OMTK’s hair and wrinkles across his aged face. She narrows her eyes.
“Go on....”
OMTK picks himself up from the garbage cans and cracks his back. Lighting up one of Big Jon’s cigars, he begins to explain all future happenings…. Including the desolation of not just BoB, but of the entire world. This interested Fury enough to bring Old Man Thunder Knuckles back to base and fully hear him out.
Within the War Room back at BoB HQ, OMTK and Miss Fury sit across a table from each other. OMTK continues his explanation of the end of the world to Miss Fury, who sits with a simple smirk on her face. He explains to her the losses they suffered as BoB members one-by-one went missing or perished to the corrupted RoBoBs.
“Since the RoBoBS are already assembled and out on the field, you’ve got to make the call to deactivate them, Fury. It’s the planet’s only hope!”
After his explanation, Miss Fury faced her super villain monitors showing all kinds of different happenings in the world and took in all that the old man said. OMTK didn’t notice the big Herschel Kiss approaching him from behind until his big chocolate arms wrapped around him. Miss Fury then mocked OMTK’s concerns of the end of the world and reminded him that she would very much enjoy watching it all burn.
“Burn. It. All. Or did you forget?”
Herschell stands in wait of Fury’s next order as OMTK struggles to free himself.
“Take him somewhere that no one will find him.”
“You fucking bitch! You’re dooming us all!”
As OMTK is being dragged out of the room, he notices on one of the screens something happening.
“Fuck!! We’re too god damn late!!!”
Miss Fury quickly turns around! She approaches the monitor and enlarges it to take over all screens.
It’s a news broadcast showing the aftermath of some kind of explosion. Fury touches the screen and makes it cover all of them as one image. The volume raises automatically and the four of them watch a news station cover the incident. They’re on the scene.
“We are still on the scene after the attack on the the Jacob K. Javitz Convention Center, otherwise known as the Javitz Center in Manhattan. The building has been completely destroyed and several others beside it have been damaged after what appears to have been a series of explosions from the inside. The attack occurred three hours into a Brothers of Brass concert and the amount of casualties after this tragic event is still unknown as well as the assailants.”
“See? It’s already fuckin’ started, Fury! We’ve run out of time! YOU HAVE TO DEACTIVATE THE ROBOBS NOW!!”
Miss Fury looks back to OMTK with a sneer.
A BIT EARLIER…..
The streets of Manhattan were still active and alive in this late hour. Traffic, mostly made up of taxi cabs, flowed with drunken-like choreography through the intersections weaving in and out of the lanes.. On Eleventh Avenue, between 34th and 38th Street in Manhattan, lightning strikes in the middle of the street between the traffic! All of the vehicles come to a screeching stop and the few bystanders run for their lives. After a minute, some drivers and passengers exit their vehicles to get a closer look through the dust kicked up from the blast. As it clears, they notice something standing in the middle of the street, crackling from what could only be the extreme heat from the lightning.
Standing in a small crater is a bright, golden robot. It’s a bit filthy from the recent crash, but other than, all-in-all, it’s in perfect condition it seems. Stepping out of the hole it faces the crowd and stares at them.
“ALIENS!!!!”
One cab driver shouts and the mass around him scatters in fear.
“DESTROY. BOB.”
The robot says aloud in a monotone, robotic voice and it continues to scan its environment. It looks ahead to a lit up convention center in front of it. On the large sign above the entrance it says, “BOB” with “Brothers of Brass” spelled out below each letter.
“DESTROY. BOB.”
Inside, the Brothers of Brass go into their fourth encore of the evening as the tired audience wearily cheers on for more! “WE LOVE BOB! WE LOVE BOB”, they chant over and over! If there was a person without a BOB tee shirt there we didn’t see them.
Just as the song begins, the side of the building blasts open! The masses all scatter for any exit they can get to. Those that weren’t buried in rubble, attempt to crawl away after suffering major injuries from the explosion. From the outside comes the robot. It quickly scans the crowd and then the musicians on stage.
“DESTROY. BOB.”
Its eyes charge up and begin to glow bright red. After it charges, short rainbow laser death beams shoot out (pew, pew, pew) and take out each band member with blasts to the face. It looks around and sees the banners, tee, shirts, posters, and more all through the building.
“DESTROY. BOB.”
From its shoulder an arm extends out holding a small missile. After a couple of slow beeps that lead to a series of rapid ones the missile fires! As it launches from the robot’s shoulder it thrusts even harder mid-air and splits into eight different missiles that scatter in different directions! A couple blast into the balconies above while others loop around to the floor sending bodies, and body parts, flying everywhere! People rush for the main exit out of the concert floor, but one balcony crashes down blocking it!
After the mayhem, the robot scans the environment once more. Dozens of sirens from emergency vehicles can be heard under the screams from the masses still attempting their escape.
”MISSION. INCOMPLETE. DESTROY. BOB.”
The robot then turns it’s back to the destruction it had just caused and exits through the hole it made to the outside.
BACK AT BOB HQ…..
BoB members Miss Fury, Oswald, OMTK, and Herschell Kiss stand around more super-villain monitors within the lab of their base.
”How can we be certain that it was one of ours?”
“We can’t.”
Miss Fury immediately interjects.
“That attack could have been from anything! It’s New York!”
OMTK, now in wrist restraints, steps forward.
“That’s bullshit and you know it, Fury! That’s only the first attack. How many have to happen before you’re convinced?”
”You must understand…. Old Thunder Knuckles?”
“JUST Thunder Knuckles is fine, Ozzy.”
”You must understand…. BoB has invested many years and a lot of money into the RoBoBs. We can’t just scrap the whole project off of a hunch.”
“A HUNCH?! I TRAVELED BACK FROM THE FUTURE, MOTHER FUCKERS! YOU THINK I DID THAT ON A GOD DAMN HUNCH?!”
Miss Fury chuckles to herself and circles around the lab to face OMTK.
“How do we know you weren’t sent back in time by our enemies? Today, BoB thrives. Tomorrow, BoB will thrive. We’ve shown the world that we cannot be put down and the world knows it, Thunder Knuckles.”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, FURY?! YOU’RE DELUSIONAL YOU CRAZY BITCH! OSWALD! YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!!! YOU HAVE TO ENTER THE DEACTIVATION CODE!!!”
Not another second passes before the entire building shakes and all the power goes out. The red emergency lighting comes on with the sounding of an alarm!
The recorded emergency broadcast blares over the intercom throughout the base. The rumbling caused Herschell Kiss to lose his balance and fall to his back against the wall. OMTK manages to stay on his feet along with the other members of BoB.
“We’re fucked, Fury! The blood will be on your hands! The end of the fucking world… It will be because of you!!!”
Miss Fury swallows the hard pill and looks back to Oswald who is sweating profusely in the situation and stares back at Fury with wide eyes.
“Do it….”
She points to the big red deactivation button locked under a small glass cover. Oswald nods, approaches the panel, and removes a small silver key that was hanging from a chain around his neck. As he reaches the panel there is another crash and the building shakes again causing him to drop it.
“FUCK OZZY YOU CLUMSY FUCK!!!”
Miss Fury rolls forward and snags the key off the ground. Following through from the roll she inserts the key perfectly into the slot and opens it. She looks back at OMTK who mouths, [i]”ANY GOD DAMN DAY”, then slams a fist down onto the button. A bell rings steady for ten seconds before over the intercom the voice returns.
[/i] “ROBOB. RECALL. INITIATED.”
There’s a long pause.
“PLEASE. STAND-BY. ROBOBS RETURNING TO BASE FOR DEACTIVATION.”
OMTK sighs aloud and allows himself to collapse in a chair. He rubs his eyes with his bound up hands and rests his head on a table.
“You’d better be right about this, TK.”
OMTK’s head darts back up.
“Really?!”
Another crash happens and the building shakes even harder as if whatever was breaching was getting closer.
“AW WHAT THE FUCK?!”
A puzzled Oswald approaches the deactivation panel and begins exploring through different screens.
This doesn’t make sense!
“Ozzy, what the fuck, man? Why are we still getting attacked?”
“I knew it!”
“It doesn’t make any sense! The RoBoBs’ programs should have been overridden and they should all be returning to base as we speak!”
The building shakes again for a longer period of time now and a large crack forms down the one wall.
“We have to get the fuck out of here!”
OMTK jumps up from the chair and heads for the door behind Herschell Kiss who just now managed to get back to his feet. Miss Fury and Oswald follow close behind. When they enter the large, main area of the base, they see the assailant, the robot from the incident in town, standing in the middle of the room sending its little missiles everywhere, destroying the base from the inside.
“What the fuck is that?!”
Oswald screams out!
”That’s not one of ours!”
“Oh, shit! No fucking way!”
“What IS it?”
“That IS a RoBoB… but not a model that we created ourselves.”
“Explain!”
“After the RoBoB’s were reprogrammed to destroy BoB and the earth, they evolved.”
”That’s impossible! Machines can’t evolve!”
“These one’s fucking can! Their A.I. got so far out of control, they started assembling upgraded versions of themselves. They would recreate them in their own image, but flawlessly. Each newer model was better and even more perfect than the last until finally they created the ultimate perfect apex machine. What we’re looking at here is a RoBoB assassin. The fuckers must’ve seen my escape or, worse, sniffed out our plan and are trying to counter it!”
“How do you make something already perfect…. MORE perfect?”
OMTK steps forward towards the robot who has just noticed them entering the room.
“HEY! YOU’RE TOO LATE MOTHER FUCKER!! YOUR MISSION HAS FAILED!!”
The robot’s eyes turn red and charge up. In just a couple of seconds two rainbow laser death beams shoot out from its eyes and strike OMTK in the chest! He flies back several feet and into a wall where he lies unconscious, if the laser beams didn’t cook his insides.
“DESTROY. BOB.”
“NOOOO!!”
Oswald shouts and rips off his lab coat.
“You son of a bitch! You were essentially created by me! The idea of you came from MY brain! I am your God! I am your maker! I can destroy you!!! GET HIM HERSCHELL!!!!”
Oswald grabs Herschell by the shoulders and shoves him out into the battlefield. The robot’s shoulder opens up and the little arm pulls out from it. The tiny missile shoots and homes in on Herschell!!!
Herschell turns and takes the missile to the back, but the blast didn’t match the tiny size of the missile when it sent him soaring in the air across the room! Oswald lets out a warcry as he charges toward the robot now. He takes a big swing and it’s blocked. He swings again and it makes a whoosh sound before it’s blocked again by the robot’s forearm blocking technique. It retaliates with a stiff uppercut where its body doesn’t even move, just its arm. It catches Oswald under the chin lifting him up into the air and nearly doing a backflip only to land on the back of his head. Oswald snorts, grunts, and snarls while getting up. He grabs a nearby desk and lifts it over his head then hurls it at the RoBoB assassin only for it to backhand it across the room into a wall.
“DESTROY. BOB.”
It picks up a desk of its own and charges Oswald who holds his ground. The robot swings the desk like you would a baseball bat and sends Oswald flying in the air and smashing into the wall like the other desk. Oswald, however, does not crumble into pieces upon impact. He falls to the ground in one piece, but makes a monstrous imprint in the wall.
“DESTROY. BOB.”
The killer RoBoB activates its missile turret again and goes in for the kill. A little arm extends from its shoulder and the little missile flies across the room towards Oswald, but doesn’t make it there when Miss Fury whips one of her Fury-rangs up and cuts it off. The missile explodes mid-air and both Fury and the RoBoB have a stand-off.
“Who are you? Why are you here, robot? What do you want?”
She asks in a soft, sinister voice.
The robot shifts and stands straight up in front of her.
”ROBOB MODEL #10405551625. OR. B-800. MY. MISSION. IS. TO. RETURN. TO. THE. YEAR. TWENTY. TWENTY-ONE. AND. DESTROY. BOB. BY. ANY MEANS. NECESSARY. DESTROY. BOB. DESTROY. BOB. DESTROY. BOB.
“Hmm. When I said I wanted the world to burn, I expected to watch it burn, too.”
The robot’s missile extension retracts back into its shoulder and its eyes begin to glow bright red like before when it blasted Old Man Thunder Knuckles with the rainbow laser death beam.
“Oh, no you don’t.”
Fury drops a quick smoke bomb to cloud the room. The smoke was impenetrable to the naked eye, but not a RoBoB assassin. The rainbow laser death beams shoot out, but Fury with her infrared sights is able to see and sprints away evading the death beams. She runs along the wall around the room, shoots a grappling hook up to the ceiling and swings across to the other side to hide behind a large pillar. When the smoke begins to clear, the RoBoB has not moved and remains motionless in the center while it scans the large room. After a quick peak, she goes back into hiding to quickly catch her breath. She holds up her wrist and dials into her watch quickly before peering back around the pillar to the robot.
“C’mon you bastards…”
She looks at the watch once more before taking a deep breath and rolling out into the open. The RoBoB immediately locks-on to her but doesn’t have time to initiate an attack before she’s on the move again. She runs up the wall and uses her grappling hook again to swing across the middle of the room where she flawlessly plants a couple of sticky bombs on the way by all over the RoBoB’s head and torso. Letting go of the rope she does a sweet backflip in the air and lands on her feet squatting down as all of the little bombs detonate at once. The robot staggers from the blow, but it fails to take him down or even scratch the paint. Fury’s eyes narrow, she looks back at OMTK who is beginning to stir after taking one of those rainbow laser death beams straight to the chest.
The RoBoB is facing Fury and preparing another attack. As it steps forward, Fury uses her speed to attempt to stay behind the thing. With back-up hopefully on its way, she breaks to the side with a roll and takes cover behind a pillar. Utilizing her grappling hook again, she shoots it above the robot to swing around and gain the advantage. It learned from her previous tricks though and shoots a burst of flames from its wrist causing her to lose her grip and fall at its feet. With less than a second to react, she quickly rolls away from a stomp that shakes the foundation of BoB’s Headquarters! She dodges another! And another!!! With more quickness she rolls through the robot’s legs behind it and shoots a bolo that wraps around its ankles! It stumbles for one step, but then the wire snaps apart like nothing. Fury tries to scurry away, but is grabbed by the RoBoB and lifted into the air by her throat!
As Miss Fury continued in her struggle, Thunder Knuckles (present-day TK) and Bobby Bourbon, Them No Good Bastards, kicked open the entrance door and stepped into the room.
“Yo, tin man!"
[/color] Bobby cracks his knuckles and neck.
Neither man takes their eyes from the enemy. The RoBoB turns its head 180 degrees around to face Them No Good Bastards then swings around flinging Fury across the room, too. She flies through the air and into the many super-villain monitors set up across the room. Like a fireworks show, they all explode with sparks bursting out of them and the glowing particles with glass scatter across the floor.
“DESTROY. BOB.”
TK chuckles to himself and throws the lit cigar from his mouth to the ground and steps on it.
TK holds out a fist and together TNGB do a blind fist bump as some fight scene music starts playing out of nowhere. They slowly walk away from each other and flank the rogue RoBoB, who remains still in the center of the room.
TK is the first to charge and attacks with several punches and jabs which are all blocked by the RoBoB. After several failed strikes, the RoBoB blocks a final strike then retaliates with a hard straight fist to TK’s gut which sends him flying back! Without missing a beat, the RoBoB turns around to face Bobby who attempts the same attacks. Every punch is blocked with perfect precision until a winded Bobby attempts several slow, but powerful, lariats that are all dodged by the robot. It dips backwards and below a double axe-handle from the big man and fires back with a combination of punches and kicks of its own! Each hit is with lightning speed and all of them land hard on Bobby’s head, chest, stomach, and legs and he doesn’t have time to react to any of them! TK rushes it from behind with a small TV monitor and smashes it over its head! It turns and hits TK with a straight kick to the stomach sending him flying back again then pushes Bobby back. It activates its jetpack to lift itself into the air and dive down with a deadly superman punch on Bobby knocking him to the ground!
“DESTROY. BOB.”
TK grabs a folded up steel chair and cracks the robot in the side of the head! It just turns its head around and takes one over the top! The rest of the robot body turns around as TK wrestles the chair off the monster's head, but is swatted back before he can get it off. TK falls over a metal table and pulls it down with him to the floor! The robot rips the chair from its head and yeets it across the room.
Them No Good Bastards make eye contact on the ground from each side of the beast then stand up together. TK brushes himself off while Bobby cracks his neck and knuckles.
TK shouts causing the RoBoB to twist its head his way.
“YEAH?”
“I DON’T THINK THIS WALKING RECYCLED SHIT CAN KNOWS WHO THE FUCK HE’S DEALING WITH, DO YOU?!”
“FUUUUUUUCK NO!!!”
“WHY DON’T WE SHOW THIS MOTHER FUCKER?!”
“I’M DOWN!”
TK sweeps the legs and Bobby chops at the top and for the first time they take the machine to its back! Together they lift the massive machine back to its feet and sling it into a wall head first crumbling some of the solid brick away! It rips its head out, turns straight to the bastards, and slowly stomps towards them!
“I think we pissed it off, Bobby!”
“Good! That means we’re winning!”
It faces them and ejects two more arms (like Goro from Mortal Kombat) from its sides and lowers itself into a fighting stance. It reaches out with one of its four hands and does the, “Bring It” motion towards the Bastards. TK scoffs and slaps Bobby on the arm.
“Can you believe this cocky, bitch?”
TK finisses out an incredible jerk-off hand motion and throws it at the RoBoB as he spits at the things feet. The two men rush back in and attempt some more punch combos, but are blocked and countered by the four-armed robot. One hand catches a fist of TK and twists it twirling him around to the ground. Bobby gets close enough to start smashing the robot in the head with a closed fist, but gets a two-armed hip-toss (one under the arm and one under the leg) and smashes through a table. The RoBoB activates its jetpacks and flies into the air above them. Both of its eyes start glowing bright red as its rainbow laser death beam starts charging up!
“What the fuck is it doing now?!”
The hum that was coming from the robot as it was charging up is now a high pitched squeal… It sounds ready to fire…. It homes in on Them No Good Bastards when…..
PEW!!!!!
A rainbow laser death beam strikes the RoBoB directly in the chest and sends it crashing to the ground!
“What the fuck?!”
Bobby and TK both look back and see Old Man Thunder Knuckles standing behind them with an odd looking pistol.
TK: “Who the fuck are you?!”
OMTK: “Who the fuck does it look like?!”
TK: “Man, what the fuck is going on?!”
“Focus, TK! We’ll ask the questions once this bitch is recalled, disassembled, reassembled into an electric can opener, repackaged, and sold to some old biddy in a Big Lots!!”
OMTK: “You missed the god damn briefing! Long story short, RoBoB’s take over the world and we all die.”
TK: “Bummer.”
OMTK: “Fuck yeah, bummer. I came back in time to stop it. THIS asshole apparently came back in time to stop ME.”
The RoBoB finally recovered from the blast and is back on its feet. Its head spins around at a high speed until it stops facing Old Man Thunder Knuckles.
“QUICK!!!”
Bobby shouts.
“Shoot it again!”
The machine’s eyes start to glow red again to charge up the rainbow laser death beam….
TK: “He’s right! That really knocked the shit out of it before!”
OMTK: “No good! The pistol’s out of power!”
TK: “Out of power?! You only shot it once!”
OMTK: “It only had one charge. Look, mother fucker, who’s the Thunder Knuckles from the future?! I think I would have used this thing if I could have before, okay?”
TK: “You don’t have to be a dick about it!”
OMTK: “But you’re right. The RoBoB’s ARE susceptible to rainbow laser death beams.”
TK looks at Bobby.
TK: “Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Bobby?”
“I certainly am, TK.”
The RoBoB activates its jetpack again and flies above Old Man TK, Present-Day TK, and Bobby Bourbon! Its red eyes are nearly-full charge and in just a few seconds the three of them are going to get blasted by a rainbow laser death beam!
OMTK: “You fuckers better take some cover! You don’t wanna get hit by that shit!”
Before the robot can fire, though, it is pulled back down to the ground after it is lasso’d. It slams off the ground and the rainbow laser death beam goes off inadvertently and blasts another hole in a wall. Behind the robot stands none other than Miss Fury with her grappling hook and Oswald holding the rope. Fury had the tools and Oswald had the strength to bring the metal monster down out of the air!
Oswald doesn’t stop there! He keeps the rope, pulls with all of his strength, and manges to start swinging the robot around! One revolution… Then another…. Then another!! What strength!!! Oswald lets it go, sending the RoBoB soaring towards the wall where it crashes into an electrical panel and gets electricuted!! It stands, frozen in place, for several seconds taking the electric shock before the panel blows up and the power to the entire building shuts off. As the smoke clears from the blast, members of BoB gather around….
“Is it dead?”
“Way to go, Ozzy! You fucked it up!!”
OMTK looks over the situation and himself.
“Don’t get your hopes up, boys…. I don’t think we’re done yet.”
Metal grinding and bending can be heard and through the destruction comes the RoBoB with an orange, yellowish aura surrounding it. The monster holds out its hand and makes a fist with little lightning bolts zipping and zapping around it.
OMTK: “Oh shit!”
TK: “Ozzy! Did you just make that fucker even stronger?”
“It got a recharge!!”
Old Man Thunder Knuckles, Thunder Knuckles, Bobby Bourbon, Miss Fury, Oswald, and even Herschell Kiss all stand in a line in front of the metal monstrosity. It roars at the small army of BoB’s in front of it and lowers down into a fighting stance.
“Let’s finish this!”
All six members of BoB rush towards the RoBoB and strike at once! It blocks hits from Oswald and Herschell, it deflects the Fury-rangs but is forced to eat a couple sticky-bombs. Old Man TK and TK attack from the side, but no one can seem to penetrate its defenses! Bobby Bourbon has taken a three-point stance behind everyone and waits for an opening… When it happens he rushes forward and headbutts the robot in its would-be torso sending it staggering back!! Bobby shakes his head to catch his bearings as the hit took him to his ass… He jumps up like a jackrabbit to his feet and watches as his B-Team works together in capitalizing on his blow! Fury shoots out a bungy-like cable from her wrist that hooks onto the robot while Herschell and Oswald each grab an arm and push it back! Fury races around one of the pillars for leverage and pulls with both of her legs against it!! She can barely hold on as the two big men continue to push the machine away, tightening the bungy more and more!!
“LET HIM GO!!!”
Fury screams at the top of her lungs… Herschell and Oswald both dive to the side and the robot gets slingshotted back and into the giant stone pillar! The entire building shakes again from the impact, but that doesn’t distract the team this time. Bobby is waiting right behind the beast…. He grapples it and starts to lift the massive machine into the air…. He gets it up a little bit, but as the robot fights back… Bobby struggles…. Oswald sees this and goes to the machine’s other side and the two manage to lift it in the air and hold in a vertical suplex!!!!
“DO IT NOW!!!”
OMTK and TK get into position and as Bobby and Ozzy bring him down they both hit Thunderstrikes in a MASSIVE……
[size=xx-large]RainbowLaserDeathSequence!
After the landing, all BoB members circle around the RoBoB as it chatters and sparks shoot out from all parts of its body..
“DESTROY. MUST D.D.D.D….. B.B.B-”
TK stomps down on its head and it explodes under his boot. He turns to face his crew and from behind them all he sees Old Man Thunder Knuckles vanish before his eyes!
“Holy shit! He’s gone!”
The rest of BoB all look around and confirm the fact that they are now missing one.
“So what the fuck does all this mean?”
“I think it means we’ve won…. His mission was completed so… He went back to his own time.”
“Listen to the god damn expert! Where the fuck is this time machine he was talking about that was just lying around for years anyway?”
Several jet engines (a lot… hundreds or even thousands) can be heard on the outside getting closer.
“Now what?!”
By the dozen, recalled RoBoB’s return to base and stand in several rows, then basically wherever there was room as there didn't seem to be any end to them.
“Oswald, what’s happening?!”
“These are the recalls you requested, Miss Fury…”
“Well, they’re fucking late. Have them melted down into chains. We’ll paint them gold and sell them on the street for a profit.”
“And THIS one?”
Oswald points down to the RoBoB that nearly destroyed them all. Fury steps forward, eyeing up the army of RoBoBs surrounding them. Bobby leans forward and chimes in as Oswald begins to attempt to drag it away.
“Hold up a second! This may sound crazy… or even foolish… But this RoBoB is a lot more advanced than any of the thousands standing around us right now.”
“And?”
“AND… Wouldn’t it be beneficial to study this one a little bit more before scrapping it? It could tell us a lot about this kind of threat if it ever happens in the future.”
“But it shouldn’t happen in the future now. That was the whole point behind all of this bullshit.”
“Right, right, right… But hear me out!”
Bobby convinces the team to hang onto the B-800 (RoBoB Model #10405551625) to rebuild, repair, and rebrand it into something they could use. Something better than thousands of RoBoBs scattered around the world that were susceptible to a cyber attack at any time. They could do better and Bobby insisted on proving so.
Cue the 80’s montage music because the next four months were spent doing just that. The thousands of RoBoBs were reprogrammed as contractors to rebuild and clean up the base and by the time they were done the place looked better than before. Bobby and TK, when they weren’t dominating the Tag Team Division of the ENTIRE WORLD, spent their time in the lab with Oswald tinkering with the B-800.
By early August, they were ready to give it life! Miss Fury, Bobby Bourbon, Thunder Knuckles, and Oswald all stood in the lab in a circle around the table where a white cloth is draped over the robot. Oswald takes a deep breath before grabbing the sheet.
“Ready?”
Fury eyeballs Bobby who gives Oswald a nod. The sheet is removed and the new and improved B-800 is unveiled!
“Behold! The B-1000!”
The five of them stare down at the machine. Bobby looks onto his creation with a loving, wholesome smile. Miss Fury doesn’t share the same emotion.
“Hmm.”
“What’s up?”
Bobby looks up and notices the lack of Fury’s approval.
“Does it work?”
“It sure does! Well, that’s what this test is all about.”
“It doesn’t look…. As threatening as it did before.”
Bobby looks down at it again and cocks his head.
“No, I guess not. Is that a problem?”
*SIGH* “I suppose not if it’s capabilities haven’t changed.”
“Oh yeah, same features. The missile launcher, laser beam, jet pack… It’s all there. I also removed about 150 lbs. from its total mass.”
“What did you get it down to?”
“About 500 lbs.”
“DAMN.”
Herschell says out loud catching everyone’s attention. They all stare awkwardly at him.
“What?”
“Are you ready to energize it, Bobby?”
“Full power Oswald!”
Bobby, TK, and Oswald all pull down the goggles over their eyes, Fury has her own super-villain pair, and Herschell sees this and hurries around the table tops for his own. Oswald hits the switch and a bright aura surrounds the RoBoB! A loud hum reverberates in the room and poor Herschell can’t decide whether he wants to cover his eyes or his ears! Lucky for him, after a few seconds it's all over and the system dies down when Oswald pulls the lever back. Once the smoke clears, the RoBoB is alive and looking around!
“It’s alive!! Again!!”
Everyone gathers around it and it looks back and forth at each of them then down at the straps.
“I think it wants out.”
“Ozzy, let it out.”
“I’m not going near that thing.”
“I’ll fuckin’ do it god dammit.”
Thunder Knuckles walks up to the RoBoB and releases the restraints from it and it drops down to the ground. It looks down at it’s wrists that were just bound then back up to everyone who is still standing around staring at it.
“Who am I and what is this place?”
Bobby approaches it and throws an arm over his shoulder.
“Your name is….”
Bobby looks over to TK who shrugs back at him. He looks up and sees one of the BoB symbols on a banner strung high above.
“Your name is Mr. BoB. Defender of BoB. And this here is home base. Defend it well, defender.”
It leaves Bobby’s grasp and walks past them all. It looks and studies over every little thing that it walks past as if it was the first time it has ever seen them. Tampering with them like a child and putting its robotic claws on everything. Everything it passes fascinates it for a few seconds before the next thing.
“It’s like a newborn.”
“Yeah, how is this thing still considered a weapon?”
Across the room, the Mr. BoB notices a fly buzzing around.
“Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!”
It takes a stance and a small, precision laser beam from its shoulder incinerates the fly mid air.
“Go about your business. Have him done chasing butterflies and back into kill mode for the match.”
Bobby and TK ‘Aye, Aye, Captain’ Miss Fury who goes about her own business then. Bobby and TK then lose sight of Mr. BoB, but find him quickly just outside the lab where he’s staring at Herschell eating a huge sandwich.
“Jesus Christ, Hershell! We’ve been looking all over for Mr. BoB and he was right here next to you all along!”
“Get this fucking thing away from me. He’s been staring at me like a dog for like two minutes and won’t say anything. He’s freaking me out!”
“Mr. BoB! Come here, boy!”
“So what the fuck is wrong with him?”
“Oh we’ll hook him back up later. I figured we’d have some fun for a bit.”
“What do you mean?”
TK laughs.
“I gave it the personality of a dog. I mean, it has common sense and all that good stuff too, but he’s basically a dog in a robot right now.”
“It looks like he’s, uhhh, pissing all over the place over there.”
“Awe shit! He sprung a leak! Bad RoBoB!!”
Mr. BoB paid no attention to his leak and continued to truck along until his mechanics malfunctioned and he stalled in place.
[size=x-large]Downloading Shit Talk
“So the initial run didn’t go as well as we thought.”
Money Oswald, Thunder Knuckles, and Bobby Bourbon all stand in front of Mr. BoB as he is strapped to a table standing vertically.
“Yeah, what the fuck happened, Ozzy?!”
“Why are you asking me? It was the two of you that had the most involvement in this. I see no point in saving this one and destroying all of my creations. They were flawless.”
TK and Bobby ignore Oswald while they observe a computer that Mr. BoB is plugged into.
“Am I going to be O-K?”
“You’ll be fine god dammit, just sit there and chill.”
They’re back in the BoB HQ lab to prepare Mr. BoB for the upcoming match on Warfare against Robert Main and company.
TK leans over Bobby’s shoulder to the master computer.
“What did you find out, Bobby? What the fuck happened?”
“Well…. For one, we never downloaded any shit talk.”
“Easy mistake.”
“Yeah you two were too busy fucking around with it and forgot, didn’t you?”
“Easy mistake, Ozzy.”
“Yeah. It’s okay.”
“It is o-kay, O-Z.”
“It’s Oswald, Robot.”
“It’s Mr. BoB, OZ-WALLED.”
“So, do you feel caught up on everything that has transpired, Mr. BoB?”
“I think so. Omega Robert Main, Jim Caedus, Drew Archyle, Betsy Granger, Shawn Warstein, James Raven.”
Bobby and TK share a double-take.
“According to my records, this six-man match is the end game to an on-going feud between Chronic Chris Page and Omega Robert Main. A feud which began after Chronic Chris Page betrayed Omega Robert Main and Thunder Knuckles was hired to knock his head in.”
Bobby and TK split another look then shrug.
"The end game. One could only hope. The threat of Omega Robert Main and his design of this 'Dream Team' have been stewing on the back burner for months. Threats, attacks, matches, and stipulations have all played a part in this build-up to frighten and or discourage the opposing team, the Brotherhood of Baddies, into an early submission. Every attempt has had a 0% rate of success in doing so. In previous encounters, Omega Robert Main has shown that he has only had a 38.813% chance to defeat Chronic Chris Page in a one on one match, which he has failed. Calculating his chances in succeeding with help…….”
Mr. BoB shakes, beeps, and boops. His robotic eyes light up and his head spins 360 degrees one time.
“Chance of victory equals 24.67789%. Omega Robert Main cannot get the job done himself and the Brotherhood of Baddies will show that his chances only get worse calling upon recycled XWF successes, like himself, while the Brotherhood of Baddies strength grows far greater as the numbers increase. Omega Robert Main was once held to a much higher regard in the Xtreme Wrestling Federation as a former Universal Champion, former Xtreme Champion, former Hart Champion, and former Tag Team Champion. However, since his return to the ring in 2021 has he displayed anything like the skill seen in any of those times? Maybe in the battle royal to get the Universal Title shot, but beyond that the anticipation certainly outweighed the result. Many were looking forward to his return to the ring, but he failed everyone who did. He gave up on them and now he has had to pull on strings, old friends, and ghosts to help him get the job done this time. Unfortunately for him, his story in the Xtreme Wrestling Federation does not end well. According to my records, it is very rare that someone’s last few breaths in this place are not poisoned with a bitter taste. Omega Robert Main will be no exception and the writing on the wall is there and a clear premonition of his own end of days.”
“According to some data that was pulled, it was brought to Mr. BoB’s attention that Omega Robert Main has been bragging about this entire team for months. It is obvious he is not referring to Legacy. James Raven and Shawn Warstein do not belong here and they know this. It is nothing bad. They just understand there is no place for them and we all understand that they will not be in a place where the mountain is higher than they can climb. How Omega Robert Main managed them to come back for this amazes even me, and I only have a 8 gigabyte memory right now. Maybe they owe him a favor. Maybe Shawn Warstein owes him money. Maybe it was Betsy Granger that did the negotiations because of her being in Legacy. Betsy Granger was another. Why the involvement now? Is it something about Chronic Chris Page? Is it something about BoB? Then you brought back the one other person who would ever dream of coming back for you, a former tag team partner against a former tag team partner. Ex-girlfirend versus ex-girlfriend type of thing. Real feisty. Drew Archyle. This fellow is about a flakey as the dandruff on his head. Hah-hah."
TK looks at Bobby.
"One of your's?"
Bobby gives a sour look back and shakes his head.
"And then of course the secret weapon, Jim Caedus. Omega Robert Main is pulling out all stops and go so deep through his rolodex that the Xtreme Wrestling Federation was under different management at the time. It must be a real shame to be someone who puts himself out there as a great person or good guy or the guy the with the shit end of the stick and not have anyone around besides a bunch of antiques. Once Omega Robert Main manages to blow the dust off of all of them we only hope that there's some skill left because at this point in time, all of this work seems like a waste of time. Then again, I may need an upgrade before I am able to understand all of this completely. OR.. It may not make sense after all and I am ‘sweating’ this over nothing. Get it? I can’t sweat. I am a fuck-en robot.”
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