(Star Wars Theme Begins to play)

RECORD SCREECH/CUUUUUUUUUT

The scene opens on the ice planet Hoth… Or rather, a set made with thick white paint and fake snow that Betsy Granger suspects might contain asbestos. She stands in front of a picnic table that was set up with Battleship boards to look like several monitor screens; her surly mood is clearly reflected in the pouty expression on her face. As the camera pans back, we realize that she’s wearing the same white snow suit Princess Leia dons for the majority of Empire Strikes Back. Her blonde hair is styled the same as well, the braid sweeping gracefully around her head and pinned neatly out of the way. Her green eyes narrow as Shawn Warstein enters the scene, swaggering in dressed as Han Solo. This only sparks another dose of frustration through her veins as she stomps over and glares at the director.

“Okay, first of all, why is HE-”

She jabs her thumb behind her at Shawn.

“-Han Solo and not James? Can’t we at least switch these two around for the sake of creative art?”

James Raven exchanges a quietly amused look over to Shawn, who only shrugs as Betsy continues to rant and rave. APEX soon joins them, wondering what the hold up was; stomping over to them, she glares at each of the guys.

“They told me one of you chose these parts; you’re lucky they wouldn’t tell me which of you it was. Come on then, let’s get this shit over with.”

Still cranky, Betsy continues stomping across the room to get touched up by makeup. Raven disappears to get back into the headset of Yoda while Shawn and Robert Main play with their blasters. While everyone else is distracted, Drew Archyle and Jim Caedus exchange a secret fistbump and quietly congratulate one another on the chaos their casting choices had created.

“I’M NOT KISSING HIM!”

Betsy’s scream is suddenly heard from off-camera as Drew and Jim choke on their laughter.

“THE FEELING IS MUTUAL!”

Comes Shawn’s reply as Drew and Jim double over now, clutching one another as they try to breathe through their giggles…


AAAAAAAAACTION!



The universe… vast and never ending, the camera takes us for a moment through the stars in what appears to be the ultimate definition of peace. That is until the massive Star Cruiser, accompanied by a dozen fighter ships, appears from hyperspace. Aboard the main cruiser is Darth Fury… looking every inch like a curvy Sith Queen. She’s peering quietly through the main window of the cruiser at the icy planet of Hoth below them. All around her are Imperial Officers, checking their screens for signs of life as probe droids scan the planet, in search of the Rebels that had managed to evade the Galactic Empire thus far. As one of them draws nearer to the tiny cluster of buildings, images begin to project back onto the screens of the ever-vigilant Imperial Officers...

On the snow surface of the planet, a tauntaun ran through the icy tundra, urged on by it’s rider. We can’t see who it is yet through the heavy, thick layers of his coat and the protective goggles over his eyes as well as the heavy scarf draped over his nose and mouth. He was on his daily afternoon round, scanning the upper East quadrant of the small base the Rebels had set up on the remote planet. Even though many of the fellow space pilots complained loudly about the snow and the cold, this outsider secretly loved it. Growing up on Tatooine, he had grown to loathe the sun and the sand; this blizzard paradise was more than he could have ever dreamed when he gazed out at the binary sunset.

Before he’s able to lose himself much further in his reminiscing of the last year, a flash of silver catches his eye. As he turns towards to check it out, the object collides with the planet, sending a massive plume of snow up into the air. The lone Rebel squints in that direction as lifts the goggles off his eyes while he pulls his binoculars free of his belt; snow obstructs his view quickly as he tries to look out at what had hit. His comlink screeches to life as a familiar voice calls to him from his wrist.

“Drewk old buddy, do you read me?”

Drewk Skywalker looks down and uses his big, mittened hand to wipe a layer of ice that had formed around the mouthpiece. Pressing a button, he replies quickly.

“Yeah Shan, loud and clear. And I do mean loud. You don't need to yell into these things, just an FYI. So, how are things on your end?”

“Nothing but the usual ice and snow bullshit. Everything is clear out here, I’m heading back. Are you following behind me or what?”

“That's a negative, something like a meteor hit near here, I wanna go check it out.”

“Can’t imagine anything stupid enough to wanna come here to habitate.”

"Dude...my Aunt Beru grew up here. She's dead now… Feel like a big shot with the judgment now?"

"Gee, I'm- I'm sorry Drewk… Sorry I didn’t give a fuck enough to keep up with your blogs."

"You should be."

An amused expression passes over the face of the young man who had recently been hailed as a hero to the Rebellion after his skirmish with the Death Star. If it hadn’t been for Shan and a well-timed blast to Darth Vader's T.I.E. Fighter… Drewk shakes the thought out of his head as his eyes sweep back to the disturbed bit of snow that was still swirling slowly back down to the ground.

“Don’t be too long, you wouldn’t want to get caught out here after dark…”

“Hey, what am I, some idiot who gets ambushed by snow monsters? I'll be fine."

"Wampas. They're called Wampas."

"Whatever. I’ll see you back at the bunker.”

Disconnecting the call, Luke looks back over towards the disturbance; at the same moment, his tauntaun begins to flail wildly. Luke hangs on tightly as she attempts to buck him off.

“What’s the matter girl? You smell something? Is it snow monsters?”

The words had no sooner left his mouth than an enormous white paw with black pads and long, sharp claws appeared from nowhere. Before he could reach for the lightsaber attached to his belt, the paw connects to the side of his head and he is plunged into darkness.

====================

After giving the passcode of the day, Shan Solo eases his tauntaun through the doors. The nearby pilots greet him with the same cool politeness that they always used towards him. Shan knew that his history as a smuggler rubbed some of these high and mighty Rebels the wrong way; it didn’t bother him one way or another. He had done all he could and the close-call with the bounty hunter in Ryloth had left him shooketh. Not to mention, he was sick of the way Princess Baea was always giving him some major stink-eye. He knew he had a favor from Drewk and the Rebellion as a whole in his back pocket, should he ever need it. As he made his way towards the Millennium Falcon, sparks began to fly from the hull; moments later, a familiar growling-shriek emitted from within as the top-hatch door was thrown open.

“Mainie, what the fuck are you doing in there?”

Mainbacca lets out a responsive growl, tapping at a patch of fur on his arm that was still singing.

“Bro, the hyperdrive is fuuuuuuucked. Shield generators are shot to hell and the power coupling needs replacing.”

“Well that’s fucking dandy, ain’t it? How long til you can get the shit fixed?”

“Did you not hear what I just listed off? We’ll be lucky if we’re out of here by the end of the week…”

“Make it by the end of the day, Mongrel.”

“You better get your busted ass in here and help then, fuckwit.”


==================

Elsewhere, in the Wampa snow monster's ice hole or nest or whatever...

Drewk Skywalker awakens upside down, his feet frozen to the ceiling of the cave.

"What the… Hmmmm… Okaaaaay, this is going to take some ingenuity."

A ROAR escapes from somewhere deeper in the cave.

"Aw geez, this isn't good. Okay, where's my lightsaber?" Picking through his pockets until he spies it lodged in the snow beneath him JUST out of reach. "Of course."

Drewk extends his right arm, stretching his fingers to the 'saber hilt.

"There has to be something to this Force thing."

The 'saber hilt doesn't budge. A second ROAR is heard, this time much much closer.

"Budge dang-it. If Kevin 'Silent Bob' Smith could do it in Mallrats…"

The hilt shakes...begins to "pull" from the ice.

"Yes. Come to Butthead."

The Wampa shuffles into the cavern, clawed paws reaching for Drewk-

-JUST as the lightsaber pulls free from the ice and shoots to his hand.

In a flash Drewk activates the 'saber and cuts himself free. He drops in a heap to the icy floor beneath him and kips up, slashing at the beast-

-cutting it's head clean off.

Speaking to the headless corpse. "Oh SHIT. I am SO sorry snow monster! That's my fault, it was supposed to be an arm."

Silence in the cavern as Wampa blood spurts from it's furry neck.

"I better get out of here before I catch hell from Galactic PETA." Stumbling awkwardly as he gets to his feet, Drewk takes his leave.

=================

As Mainbacca and Shan work diligently on the Falcoln, Princess Baea, accompanied by R2D2 and C3PO, enters the scene. It was clear from the look on her face that something was troubling her as she approached the junk bucket Solo had the nerve to call a ship. It would take every ounce of toruture the Empire had to make her admit that she had grown a soft sport for the vessel… and it’s occupants. Mainiie, who was working on the outside of the ship, spots her first and gives her a friendly growl-greeting while waving the blowtorch he’d been using to fuse metal back together. Giving the Wookie a weak smile and half-hearted wave in return, she draws nearer while keeping a safe distance from the sparks Mainie was producing. When the top hatch flies open and a dirty Shan Solo pokes his head out from it, a mixed wave of affection and revulsion sweep through her. Never had she met a more complicated man to figure out and it frustrated… and intrigued the princess. Crossing her arms and tapping her foot impatiently on cold ground, she waits for him to notice that she’s there.

“Mainie, what the fuck man? Quit dicking around like you have a thumb in your ass and get those power couplings repaired!”

“Those power couplings will fall right out of their fuckin’ place if you don’t let me fix the hatch door, you prickly shit.”

“I just finished the repairs on the shield generators, I’m gonna need your help with the last touches of the hyperdrive. Hurry the fuck up, man!”

The growl Mainbacca responds with doesn’t need C3PO’s remarkable interpreting skills to be figured out. Shan gives him a mocking grin and shrugs.

“I gotta get out of here man, before I see-”

“Me, perhaps?”

Stepping forward, Princess Baea finally makes herself known to the smuggler who had helped rescue her from Darth Fury’s ship. When she and Shan lock eyes, her heart flutters for a moment before his eyes narrow.

“And what do I owe the honor of your presence, Your Highness.”

And just like that, the flutters turn to bile in her stomach. His voice is as cold as his expression, and she still had no idea why. With a sigh, she tips her head up and raises her voice to be heard.

“I just received reports from the entry stations that Drewk hasn’t returned back to base from his sweep yet.”

This gives Shan pause as her words sink in. Disappearing back into the hatch, Princess Baea can hear him moving around the inside of the ship and a moment later, Shan appears from the lower hatch. His stride is swift as he approaches Baea, his face inches from hers, his expression intense now.

“What do you mean Drewk hasn’t reported back yet? The sun is about to go down, he can’t still be out there.”

The quiet way he says this always gives away his concern; relief floods through her at how seriously Shan seemed to be taking her.

“The guards reckon he might have forgotten to scan in, but-”

“That’s not like Drewk.”

“My thoughts exactly. Which means-”

“He’s still out there and it’s about to be dark. I knew I shouldn’t have let that dumb fuckwad go exploring whatever the fuck it was he saw.”

Without another word, Shan brushes past the Princess and heads to the nearest patrol guards. Tapping one roughly on the shoulder, he gets their attention and glares hard into their face.

“Check your records one more time, soldier. Make absolutely certain Drewk Skywalker never scanned in on his return.”

The guard lets out a little squeak and immediately does as he’s told. Princess Baea and Mainbacca had just creeped up behind them; now they all listened as the rest of the guards all reported the same news. Drewk Skywalker had never returned to the base; as much as Shan wanted to believe that he had just been missed, he knew it wasn’t possible. Drewk had made himself a hero during the Battle of Yavin, his face was one that wasn’t likely to be missed. Worry grips at Shan, though he’d be damned if he ever showed that in front of the Princess. Turning back to her, he taps her shoulder comfortingly before walking off briskly towards the wall where the protective clothing was kept. Mainie and Baea exchange a glance as they follow Shan, where he is now pulling on large snow boots over thick pants.

“Your tauntaun will die before you even reach the first marker!”

She hates herself for the emotion that came through in her words; Shan seemed to notice as well, hesitating for a fraction of a second. He looked up at her as he reached for the thick neck face protector and goggles.

“If I don’t go, Drewk dies for sure. If he’s anywhere close, I can at least give him a fighting chance.”

“You can’t go out there now, you’ll die.”

Princess Baea cries out this objection, reaching for him without realizing it. Shan pulls away, slipping on the heavy fur coat as he does.

“Then I’ll see you in hell.”

Jumping gallantly onto his tauntaun, Shan salutes to Baea and Mainie before disappearing through the doors and into the swirling blizzard beyond. The sun was dropping out of the sky quickly as Princess Baea approached the doorway, hugging herself against the bitter winds. Fear clung to her like a heavy cloak as minutes ticked by like hours; eventually, she was joined by a young officer who looked nervous to be near her. With a sigh, she turns her attention to him, gesturing for him to deliver whatever news it was that had him transparently distressed.

“Your grace, I’m afraid I was told that it’s time for the doors to be locked down for the night. The general… He wanted me to apologize, as he knows your friends are still out there. He promises that as soon as the morning sweep begins, finding Commander Skywalker and Captain Solo will be their number one priority.”

Despite her overwhelming desire to scream in this poor guy's face and object wildly to his words, Princess Baea merely nods her head stoically.

“Of course, tell the General I appreciate his diligence and concern; and also assure him that both the Captain and Commander Skywalker wholly understand protocol.”

The young soldier nods as he backs away, unable to hide his relief. Princess Baea waves him off and silently turns back towards the doors, which are now lowering painfully slow. Mainbacca comes up behind her and rests a big, heavy paw on her shoulder.

“They’ll be okay… You know that, right?”

Princess Baea nods and turns her face to Mainie, revealing the tears glistening from her lashes.

“I know Mainie… I just can’t help but worry.”

“Don’t lose any sleep over it… They’re both main characters, right? No chance they’ll botch this.”

The thought hits her like a bolt of lightning; a smile creeps across her face as the door thunders fully shut.

“Damn, you’re right. What do you say to us sitting down to some Spotchka and Sabaac and wait for morning?”

Mainbacca lets out an enthusiastic growl and the pair turn away from the doors and head back to the main hall.

==================

Meanwhile, out on the frozen terrain of Hoth as a storm picks up…

Drewk Skywalker, having escaped the Wampa's den, now succumbing to the storm, lay prone in the "snow", more or less dead.

"Palpatine's low hung nuts, it's colder than a motherfucker out here!"

Through the flurry...a gathering of energy, a growing blue glow, a manifestation of the ultimate power of life after death, a spectre materializes...the Force Ghost of none other than Obi Jim Caedobi!

"Drewk......DREWK!"

Raises his face out of the "snow", covered like Pacino in Scarface. "You know I can hear you Jim. Just say your lines, I'm in no mood- I'm face down in asbestos for fucksake! Who the hell dressed the set!?"

"Oh c'mon bro, I only have so many scenes, can't I milk it-"

"Jim!"

Aghast. "When I think of everything I did for you young man; I took you under my wing filthy desert hermit robe when your aunt and uncle got smoked, I gave you your lightsaber- yo, I coulda dropped that on eBay for like a grand easy, I chopped off that dude's arm for you in that bar fight- that one's a freebie actually, he deserved it -I lowered the shields for the attack on the Death Star, shit, I even sacrificed myself to that cunt Vader to light a fire under your ass! Oh and 'member what I did in Mos Eisley to get us past those Stormtroopers? Don't think they won't be droppin' an APB on my a-"

"JIM!"

"Ah, hell with it. GETCHO ass to the Dagobah system and planet 'a the same name. There you gonna find Yoven, the Jedi Master who instructed me. Fuck Qui Gon.

......Uh, can I get an affirmative or somethin'? Aw shit, someone's comin'. If it's Princess Baea, tell 'er I said she's hot. If it's Shan Solo, tell that scoundrel sumbitch-"

"Beat it, Jim!"

"Ok, ok, I'm goin', I'm goin'..." Dematerializing as Drewk "faints" from exposure.

Shan Solo, astride a tauntaun, trudges into the frame and spies him in the snow.

"What did I say? Huh? What did I say Drewk? I warned you!"

Drewk is completely unaware of Shan’s arrival, mumbly nonsensically in his unconscious state.

“Jim…? Dagobah...”

Shan hops from the tauntaun, casting Drewk a look of concern.

“At least you’re still somewhat with me. But you just had to be a dumb mother fucker and go poking around at shit, right?”

The tauntaun Shan had arrived on let out a great, bellowing cry before falling to the ground dead. Looking between it and the unconscious, rambling Drewk, Shan shook his head. Unclipping the lightsaber from Drewk’s belt, Shan begins to cut into the deceased tauntaun. He gags as the insides come pouring out from the tummy, the smell carrying through the swirling wind. Cutting another chunk from the bottom, he scoops out as much of the organs as he can. Turning off teh lightsaber, he tucks it into one of the deep pockets of his jacket and drags Drewk’s body over, shoving into the emptied tauntaun. With Drewk kept warm, he was now able to lay against the carcass to catch his breath before setting up camp. Their survival depended on it.

=====================

The next morning, bright and early as promised, Rebel Pilots were out on patrol, scanning the area for life. The blizzard conditions had died down and the day was perfectly sunny and clear. Despite the hangover she’d gained from drinking with Mainie, Princess Baea had insisted on taking one of the X-Wings out herself. Some strange instinct had screamed at her through the Spotchka, guiding her in the direction she knew she’d find her boys in. With natural ease, the Princess flies the little fighter ship through the deceptively rocky terrain of the wintry planet. Snow tended to cover the rock-formed hills and caves, but the Rebels had discovered the hidden secrets the snow had attempted to cover up. Flipping on the communication line, she leans into it, wincing as her words cut through the demon that was tap dancing on her skull.

“Drewk, Shan, do either of you copy? If you could respond as quickly as possible, that’d be great. There are other battles to plan, I’m missing out on the fresh french toast-”

“If I tell you we’re right beyond the ridge, will you stop nagging?”

Never had she ever been so happy to hear that surly tone.

“Shan! Is Drewk with you?”

“I’m good, thanks for asking. So is Drewk, who IS with me; good to know who you give a shit about around here.”

Her lips purse for a moment as the same old frustration flares up.

“Don’t be a dick or I’ll turn this mother fucker around and leave your ass there.”

A pause.

“You wouldn’t do that to Drewk though, wooooooooould yooooooooou? Not to scare you or anything, but he looks like he came out of the wrong end of a Sarlac.”

The image makes her shudder.

“Is there a right end of one?”

No answer, but when she passes over a snow-covered rock formation, she spots Shan waving his arms in the air to signal her. She doesn’t spot Drew, though she supposes he must be in the shelter of the tent Shan had set up for them. Smiling with relief, feeling her eyes start to sting with hot tears, she switches to the general channel of her comlink that spanned the entire Rebel army.

“Princess Baea to base, I found the boys. Repeat, I found Commander Skywalker and Captain Solo. Requesting medical backup, stat.”’

==================

Meanwhile…

===============

In deep space, several Imperial officers are pouring over schematics that had just appeared on their screen. One of the probe droids they’d sent to Hoth had found a small cluster of buildings that seemed innocent enough. Some of the officers thought to dismiss them, but others seemed to think they should inform Lord Fury of their existence. Darth Fury herself, who had been peering out the window in her usual spot, overhears the whispered argument and turns swifty. The heavy cape flutters dramatically as she makes her turn, capturing all eyes from the soldiers around her. Walking along the bridge that was set above the operation stations of the soldiers, she approaches the cluster of officers and places her hands on her hips.

“What is it?”

Every officer stiffens to attention, but Darth Fury can feel all of their fear of her, like palpable waves crashing into her from all directions. It wasn’t always like this… But she reveled in it. Inspired by the rush, she climbs the stairs down into the area, feeling their fear intensify... God, what a rush. One of the men jabs his index finger into the screen, indicating the tiny base.

“We found this small cluster of bunkers on the surface of Hoth. I think it’s nothing to be concerned about, but they-”

And he emphasizes ‘They’ by sweeping the same pointer finger in the direction of three other officers, including the one sitting in front of the screen.

“-believe it’s something more and think we should send ground troops down to investigate.”

His tone is dripping with sarcasm as Darth Fury ponders his words. Turning towards the screen, she leans in and examines the Rebel Base for a few moments. It doesn’t take long to realize what this little cluster was and who was occupying it. Standing up straight again, Darth Fury turns her gaze to the officer, who was looking smug.

“That’s them, Admiral Needa. That’s the Rebel Base and Skywalker IS with them.”

Admiral Needa still looks over at Darth Fury, his face openly skeptical. He wasn’t a believer in the legends of Jedi and Sith, nor did he believe this little woman had the power her reputation promised. Throwing his shoulders back and standing to his full height, which was significantly more than Darth Fury’s, he bears down on her, dripping with machismo.

“With all due respect, Lord Fury, I think it would be unwise to waste resources and men to storm what are most likely empty bunkers.”

If he thought Darth Fury was to be intimidated or swayed, he was gravely mistaken.

“That IS the Rebel base, Admiral. Set course for Hoth and have the AT-AT’s ready to deploy. They won’t slip away from us again.”

“Lord Fury, I must insist on this; you’re embarking on a fool's errand and I believe that-”

Before he could finish, his words turn to choked gasps as his hands fly up to his throat. Darth Fury lifts her hand in the air, lifting Admiral Needa off the ground. Hung by an invisible noose, controlled at will by Darth Fury, she steps up to him and looks up into his face with a smile.

“I suppose we’ll find out soon enough, won’t we? Until then, set course for Hoth and have the troops ready, along with the AT-AT’s… Is that understood, Admiral Needa?”

Nodding desperately, Admiral Needa gives in as the last of his air is about to leave him. With one last glare, Darth Fury releases her invisible grip and walks away briskly. Admiral Needa crashes to the floor, clutching his collar and gasping for much needed air. The other’s get back to work, unwilling to be the next to inspire Darth Fury’s ire; obeying her command, they begin setting their fleet towards Hoth…

===================

On Hoth itself, Drewk Skywalker was sitting in an uncomfortable bed in the infirmary, reflecting on the last twenty-four hours. He could remember the Wampa attacking and nearly making a meal of him; stretching his brain a little further, he begins to remember the meteor that had stopped him from returning to base. What disturbed him the most of all of that were the dreams of Obi-Jim Caedobi, telling him of a world called Dagobah. Whoever this “Yoven” was, he was clearly the Jedi Master he was meant to seek for his training. Though he wanted badly to follow in his mother’s footsteps, Drewk felt guilty about having to leave the Rebellion to train. They needed him, that much was obvious… But how much more valuable could he be as a fully trained Jedi Master himself? The way Princess Baea had revered Obi-Jim… The way she looked when she talked about the old man, that was the way he wanted her to look at him.

He could still feel the effects of the bacta tank working through his body, mending all his wounds. According to the medical droid, he was lucky to have survived the attack with all his limbs. Still… If he hadn’t been able to muster the Force just enough to call his lightsaber to him…

“You look strong enough to wrestle a Krykna!”

Shan Solo’s jovial tone fills the room as he and Mainbacca enter. Drewk can’t help but smile at the guy who had now saved his life twice.

“I wouldn’t be fuckin’ stupid enough to try.”

Shan smirks as he approaches the bed, Mainie right over his shoulder. The ladder growls towards Drewk for a moment before clearing his throat.

“Sorry, I hate when that shit happens. Anyway, I was TRYING to say that I’m glad Shan got to you in time.”

“Thanks, Mainie.”

It’s then that Princess Baea enters the room, her face warm as she looks at Drewk. When she spots Shan and Mainie, her face scrunches a little in distaste. Shan rolls his eyes and makes it a point not to look at her. Mainie gives her a friendly wave as she stiffens her shoulders and stalks the other side of Drewk’s bed.

“You’re looking a lot better than yesterday.”

Drewk beams up at her, unable to hide his joy in her visit.

“I’m feeling a lot stronger than yesterday, too. I could wrestle a fuckin’ krykna if there were one around.”

Mainie and Shan exchange the most amused of glances as Drewk sits up straighter in the bed. Princess Baea smiles down at him before her face turns pensive again.

“I’m actually glad you’re both here to hear this. We sent a patrol out to look into what you saw land; turns out, you were right to be sus. It was an imperial probe droid and from the looks of it, it’d been here at least a day. One of our officers shot at it and it self-destructed; Colonel Cunt has issued an emergency lockdown. No ships in or out without special clearance.”

Shan looks over at her sharply, his cold eyes narrowing as her words sink in. Mainie, on the other hand, looks relieved; he’d never say it to Shan, but he liked his part in the Rebellion and secretly wanted to stay. A rush of affection washes over him for the feisty Princess.

“Huh… Well, looks like you managed to find a way to keep me here, then.”

Princess Baea looks absolutely thunderstruck by the venom behind his words.

“I had nothing to do with it, Shan. This is the Colonel’s call, I’m only relaying the messenger. Besides, it’s a good bet the Empire knows we’re here and we could use your help.”

“You don’t have to be coy, Your Worshipfullness, we all know you probably talked the Colonel into that command just so you could keep me close. You aren’t ready to say goodbye to all this.”

Shan holds out his arms and spins slowly, showing off the goods. Princess Baea watches on in mocking amusement before bursting out into laughter.

“I don’t know where you get your delusions, laser-brain.”

Shan leans in close to Drewk, unable to keep the smug humor from his expression.

“See how much she denies it? I must have hit it right on the mark for her to try and deflect this hard.”

With a smug grin of her own, Princess Baea approaches the other side of the bed.

“Alright, fugly ass nerf-herder. You wanna see how riled up you get me?”

Grabbing Drewk by his face, she leans in and plants one hell of a kiss on him. Shan and Mainie watch as Drewk freezes for a moment before his own hands creep up to her waist. When he tries to slide them down to her ass, she breaks the kiss and slaps him on the back of the head. Hands on her hips, she glares defiantly at Shan, who only stares at her with a blank expression. Drewk, on the other hand, looks absolutely euphoric as he leans back in the bed, crossing his arms behind his head.

“That must have felt like kissing your brother.”

Shan’s monotone reply sends a rush of anger through the Princess, who storms out of the room. Shan turns back to Drewk, catching the pleased expression on his face and vexation fills him.

“Take it easy, kid.”

Shan tells him before huffing out of the room to finish the repairs on the Falcon. Mainie and Drewk exchange a bewildered look before Mainie shrugs and follows Shan back to the ship…

==============

==============

A shot hits the bunker, causing the entire foundation to shake. Shan Solo looks up from his work and glances over at Mainie, who was composing his own feet. Without a word, Shan gives Mainie a nod and sets down his power tools. Mainie continues his work as Shan weaves his way through panicked Rebels to the main command center. To his complete lack of surprise, Princess Baea is already there, along with Colonel Cuck; they’re pouring over an image on their scanners that causes his stomach to drop.

The Empire had found them.

“Have you started the evacuation procedures?”

The Princess and the Colonel both look up in surprise.

“You’re still here?”

The snide tone of the Princess irritates him, but he pushes it down.

“Yeah, I’m here. And now it looks like we all need to leave.”

Another shot from a high-powered cannon blaster drives his point home. Even though she’s reluctant, the looks from Shan and the Colonel tell Princess Baea that it was time to go. It’s at that moment that all the alarm scanners started to go off at once. Leaning back into the screen, all of their hearts begin to race when they recognize Darth Fury’s own Star Cruiser entering the system, hovering above the planet and over their heads. With a heavy sigh, Princess Baea walks over to one of the intercom talkies and presses the button that would send her voice booming through the entire base and those stationed outside on watch.

“This is Princess Baea; the Empire has found us. Evacuation is to begin immediately. This is not a drill, Darth Fury herself is on her way to the surface; her ground fleets will most assuredly already be on their way. Whatever you’re doing, drop it and begin evacuation procedures. Good luck.”

Hanging up the talkie, she looks over at the Colonel who had a sad look on his face.

“You have to go too, Princess. Captain Solo, will you escort her to her ship?”

Shan steps up without hesitation and takes her gently by her elbow.

“Right away, sir.”

As he begins to pull her away gently, Baea begins shouting instructions as the remaining officers monitor the screens. As another blast hits the compound, the walls shudder violently as ice and dirt crumbles from the ceiling. Screams from outside let them know that the Imperial Troops had breached the perimeter, it wouldn’t be much longer before they broke inside the base, as well. Shan continues to drag her along, forcing Baea to keep his back at a jog. Mainie and C3PO had joined them, with Mainie taking up the lead, his crossbow at the ready and C3PO toddling along in his clumsy attempt to keep up. Another shot hits, this one causes the structure just ahead of them to collapse. Baea shrieks as Shan instinctively wraps his arms around her and spins her away from the debris. Keeping his momentum, he grabs her by the hand and begins dragging her off in the opposite direction. As he does so, he yells for the Colonel in his comlink.

“The way to the Princess's ship has been blocked, I’m getting her out of here on the Falcon.”

There’s a crackle and a faint acknowledgement as gun blasts echo in the background. At the mention of being whisked away in the Falcon, Baea face contorts with displeasure even while her heart skips a beat. Allowing herself to be pulled through the corridors, the foursome finally makes it to the ship; they hurry aboard quickly, all three of them screaming at C3P0 to hurry his golden ass along. Just as the entry hatch closes, with Shan and Mainie working over the control panel to set up their coordinates, Darth Fury enters with a platoon of Storm Dupers. They begin shooting at the ship, but true to his word, Shan got the shield generators fixed; they were now fully activated as he and Mainie desperately hit buttons and pull levers. Darth Fury comes to the forefront of the platoon and holds out her hand, but she’s too late.

“PUNCH IT, MAINIE!”

A moment later, the Millennium Falcon is flying high overhead in the clear blue sky, oblivious to the flaming remains of the battle below. Drewk Skywalker, having just finished off three massive AT-AT’s pretty much on his own, watches as his friends fly off, wondering when… or IF… he would see them again…


===============

”What a clusterfuck we’ve got staring us in the face, right boys? I’m all about a good, multi-man tag match, but six on six seems a bit excessive, don’t you think? Then again, I’m just one of two women in the middle of this sausage fest, and it IS the XWF… So maybe this tracks more than I thought.

They just love chaos.”

Betsy, still in the Princess Baea costume, sits in a chair under more lights and looks at the camera that is trained on her. In her hand is a mocha cappuccino, which she fiddles with absently.

”So, another day, another chance to sink my teeth into the Brotherhood of Bitches. Don’t worry kids, I won’t sit here and prattle on without end. That’s a Chris Page gimmick, and I’m not here to sell it to you. Besides, how’s that been working out for him lately? All that hot air and nothing to back it up. We saw it when he fell to Lycana. We saw it when he fell at my hands, and we saw it when Alias wiped the floor with him. Face it, old-timer; the clock struck midnight and your time as the King of the Castle has come to its conclusion. It’s only a matter of time before the rest of BoB agree and kick you to the curb with the rest of the trash.”

She takes a sip of her cappuccino as she nods before starting again.

”At least when Them No Good Bastards try the same shit, they get the results they seek. It’s the ONLY reason they’ve managed to keep an iron-grip on the tag belts for as long as they have. Consider this the big warmup before Relentless boys, because this girl is coming for those belts. Oh yeah, that’s a thing that’s happening, in case you didn’t know, I’ve already got it worked out and management loves it. A partner of my choice and me, against the two of you, for those pretty belts you’ve held onto long enough.

It’s time for the tag division to become a little more… Impossible.”

She lifts up her face and gives the camera a wide, mocking smile.

”I’ve got more than a few surprises coming their way that are sure to keep them on their toes. If you think you boys have me figured out by now, then you haven’t pulled your heads out of your asses yet. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that victory is a guarantee, but I am going to offer some friendly advice.

Be prepared to lose.

I can’t speak for the rest of my team, but on my end, there’s no other way this can end. I’ve now beaten BOTH of your leaders in one on one competition, but I can’t seem to crack the code that is the Bastids. But I’m close… so close, I can almost feel the weight of one of those belts around my waist.

But first, we have to get through this next battle in a war that rages ever onward.”

Her green eyes narrow as she moves on.

”What the fuck is a Mr. BoB? I don’t trust robots ever since my encounter with the Cybermen, and I know damn well most of us have seen I, Robot by now. Dumb little Will Smith machine, I enjoyed it even if the critics and most fans did not. You must be pretty desperate for new members, resorting to artificial intelligence… Oh wait… Ha, I get it now. Those with actual intelligence have either skipped town or faded away; all that remains is the core BoB Elite with the same old faces. You know, I’m a little surprised Money Oswold wasn’t a part of this little shindig; he’ll be screaming about how the BoBot turk his jerb soon enough.”

Glaring at the camera, Betsy crosses her arms.

”Hello again, Miss Fury… Seems we’re to meet again. Last time I saw you up close was War Games, when my team surprised yours with the fire we displayed. Yeah, maybe we didn’t come out on top, but we made sure only one of yours remained for the final battle. And he failed you… miserably, I might add. It was fucking glorious to witness; but what happened after was a thing of beauty, even I must admit. The way the rest of you rallied around poor Bobby as he was consumed in the perfection of his failure… It was inspiring. You almost made me believe it.

How do you plan to rally when Them No Good Bastards fall at my hands come Relentless?”

Leaning back in her chair, she crosses on leg over the other and starts to swing it back and forth.

”What can I possibly say about that group that I haven’t said a million times? You’ve heard it all before, in many different flavors; Eat BoB, Destroy BoB, #FuckBOB. And yet they persist, like the cockroaches they are, forever avoiding my boot and the nuclear bomb blasts poured down on them. Say what you will about the miserable fucks, they have a staying power that is obnoxiously tenacious. I once thought that it was my mission to tear them down, but in light of recent events… I’m wondering just how strong their driving force really is. Perhaps I underestimated the power of their unity, believing that if one domino fell, the rest would follow; but so far, all of them have picked each other up at some point and marched on.

This is why Apex-Legacy must take this opportunity to burn them all.

From off camera, someone shouts that it was time for everyone to get back on set. Betsy peers in that direction, making a face.

”What until you see what comes next, you guys. This is going to be the greatest epic ever told or the biggest flop any of us could imagine.”

Leaving the viewer with no clue as to whether she meant the upcoming match with BoB or the film which she was helping to create, the Impossible Traveler chugs the rest of her beverage and crushes the waxy plastic in her fist as she walks away.