I wake up like I do every morning, rock fucking hard and wiping your mom's cum from the corners of my mouth.
I'm back baby.
As I rest my arms behind the back of my brand new glorious locks my eyes looking to the morning sun, I can't help but think about how goddamn sweet my life is and the new friends I made. Geri Vayden, my final pick but always my First Mate, Lube-ilee, Black Wid-hoe, the cocaine in my blunt. Ned Kaye, my Manwhore-at-Arms, the ferocious but intelligent Breast, Cawk-eye, the percs to my molly. And Jim Caedus, Cummander-in-Queef, the strong Urethra, the god that is Twhore! The only man I know with a nastier mouth than me. My SEX-men, my ASSvengers! ... My friends and people I am happy to go to war with. And anywhere else for that matter. I gently remove Arcana's arm off my chest and smoothly move over Jim who sleeps soundly in my bed. I then move around the piles of hot bodies and sex toys like the floor is covered in Lego and my whole ass is one bare, freshly moisturized foot. Somewhere Tommy Wish just popped a boner. I swipe a silk kimono fr4om my dresser and tip-toe my way downstairs; a coffee and breakfast cognac await for me as I enter my study. Oh, did I not mention my study in the past? Well, allow me to show you around. I'm sure you can notice the climbing wall of dildos as well as the mounted trophy of pornstar Jenna Jameson, don't threat, it's not real. Maybe. I recline on my red leather sofa and grab the coffee made from the purest Columbian beans you ever did see; I speak softly and delicately into your pricked ears.
"My finger is teasing that big red button ready to drop a nuke, just playfully rubbing that clit."
I sip from the diamond-encrusted mug. Yes, baby, diamond-encrusted.
"Speaking of something Charlie has never been able to find, have you found a point to showing up to the pay-per-view yet, sweet-pea? I mean, while you had to force your team to work together by dragging them to a gimmick, I just asked. Y'know, like a human being. I guess the only way you can actually get a reaction out of people is by forcing them into it. Meanwhile, Acockalypse Now showed up to prom, fucked the prom queen and dipped before they found out we spiked the punch. So, what have you actually done for this match? You have caused mistrust in your team by doing some mega-fuckery, or is the twist it was another one of your personas? Speaking of, where the fuck was the spooky clown, Charles!? I was really looking forward to that! Did you watch my promo and decide to shelve that idea? I mean I know you watched my promo how else would you have a comeback for what I said about Dolly. Right? Man, for someone who is apparently so much more seasoned than me you sure look greener than an Irishman's first shit after St Patrick's day right now. I guess if I announce now that I will be the first entrant for my team you're gonna swap from last to first just to prove some kind of point, yeah? Man, you are more predictable than me making a sex pun. At least what I do is fucking good."
Another sip and I sit up, pouring some of the cognac into the mug.
"Like, you were gonna save me til last in your promo but saw me stick two fingers up your ass and tickle your prostate and double-backed like a pussy. I fully admit what I'm about in my promo and you don't have an attack on me anymore, just reiterate that I make dick jokes. Good one! Did you also see when I said I'm not a real wrestler? Because I'm not! I'm a major shareholder and fat-cocked rockstar, oh of course you didn't! Because you stopped watching after I finished talking about you! Silly me, thinking you actually have a fuck about the people you're teaming with, that's on me, that's my bad. So just to make it obvious to you now Charlie, I don't need to show up, I just do what I want and make more money than you could fathom, get more attention than you could dream of and I do it all better than some potato-looking cunt who has been here less than a year and is already washed-up. You don't want us to see the 'old' Demos? Mother fucker you are an infant! You are a small child playing pretend and that old Demos ran out of ideas quicker than Dolly runs out of the company. Oh my bad, she was getting her diploma or some shit, glad to see she's putting it to use by using small, easy-to-read words and hanging out with 3 cumrags who look like extras from a Sons of Anarchy porn parody." I stop very briefly and click my fingers "Sons of Anal-chy, shit I'm good."
"Mornin, Cap!"
Jim looking stunning in the morning glow appears in the doorway to my study.
"Hey, baby!"
"Whatcha doin'? Talkin' shit?"
"You know it."
Jim takes a look around the room.
"To who?"
"Oh there's cameras everywhere around this house." I raise my eyebrows. "E v e r y w h e r e ."
Jim chuckles as he nods his head.
"Niiiiiice, I'm gonna get drunk in ya pool, that cool?"
"Shit." I grab the cognac and toss it to Jim who catches that shit like a fuck-king champ. "Knock yourself out, I'll join you when I'm done."
Ceadus throws out a peace sign with a tip of the bottle and heads out; Hot damn, I hate seeing him go but love watching him leave. I look back.
"That was pretty cool how I didn't threaten someone I'm working with, shame not everyone is as cool as me. So, Charles, you rancid shit-filled condom, thank you for proving how inept you are at literally everything you try to do, it actually turns out I was wrong and you've been playing a clown in front of my very eyes this entire time. It's a damn good thing you're missing so many teeth so you can still show me a smile while you're choking on this big cock, maybe mumble out a 'thank you daddy' as I cum down your throat and let you just choke on potential. Might be the only enjoyment I get out of being in the same room as you, I'm guessing your last name is how much you charge by the hour, yeah? So, if you decide to put on the big boy pants and finally show up to the match don't bother wearing a belt, just slip em off and bend over so I can show you why I'm the real ringmaster of your circus."
I drink the rest of my coffee which has gotten colder than a Charlie Nickels crowd reaction.
"Let's move on to Main, fuck it, I saved him til last previously for some reason and he comes back proving what I already know. For how big and scary Main was, this bitch cannot spit shit to save his fucking life. Fuck, the entire team can't! The only time Charlie lets them out of their cages is to help with talking shit, like how limp-dicked is that? Felt like I was going through a revolving door watching that shit just instead of glass partitions it was just a jobber trying to be relevant. I mean shit, Rob, you were a Universal Champion and you need Bayou Barbie to trash for you? She put in more work than you've put into your promo in a fucking year, that with you relying on Drew and Jim all the time is just proving that you are not cut out for this game anymore, baby. Consider a manager role maybe? I think you're better suited for being the cuck in the chastity belt than the one shooting the money shot. I mean Charlie cucked you all when he made you think I kidnapped you."
I throw my arms up and shake my head.
"The fuck?"
I stumble through my words at the sheer idiocy.
"How fucking dumb could you cunts be? Did you not see me? I know fucking Charlie did he loves my promos; but I was bald and severely lacking mojo, in short, I had my own shit going on. How fucking are you all to think that, me, Dick Powers would kidnap people and take them to an abandoned carnival when you braindead fuck-ups are in a team called Charlie's Carnies!? Y'all dumb as fuck. The doctors didn't drop you they played fucking whack-a-mole on your momma's pussies... Speaking of pussies, back to Main who does the same thing as everyone else, I make dick jokes. Good one! Hey, shit-lord, remember when you stuck your dick in a toaster and that became a thing for a while?"
"Yeah?"
"That was pretty cool! Remember when you did something interesting and fun by yourself?"
"Yeah?"
"Well you're wrong because half of that was Page; like you burnt your cock and Page rode it to something halfway decent. Like how it's been ever since you lost the Hart title which was a long, long, long time ago. Now you have these losers carrying you and now you have nothing, you can see everything you truly are now, a little lost bitch who can't do shit if someone isn't holding his hand. People actually used to look up to you..."
"Marf... I watched your shit and still have no idea who you are but I'm sure you made mention that I say dick jokes, so.... Good one! Honestly, dude, you're cannon fodder. I look at you and I hear you but you are not the star, shit you're not even in the script. You're some writer locked in a cupboard that gets let out to pick up coffee before being pushed back down into your own personal pit of despair. It's sad, dude and anything I say won't matter because you're just... Marf... And you'll always be Marf... I've been around XWF a while, mostly on the business side and there's one cat you remind me of a lot, his name was Cain. Now, this dude was a edgy boy like Charlie but also had all this satanic demon bullshit going on too which is what you have? Maybe? Honestly, I don't know. Lycana is cool and she's into that... Or looks like she's into that? Man, I should really pay more attention, but I don't see the part when I can clearly tell the person in question has no future here. Anyway, back to someone more interesting, Cain was fairly liked, well-received for the most part and the man was a worker, just week in and week out, always trying new things, tried to see what stuck and just kept trying to climb that ladder. Good guy, mediocre wrestler. So yeah, he'd just do his thing, once every couple of months he'd step back evaluate how he was doing and then run back in with a head full of steam and continue this cycle over and over. Then one day, he just vanished. Just 'poof' and gone. And that was it, and this is more than likely the first time he's been mentioned in five years. That's who you remind me of Marf and that's how you're gonna end up. No climax, no fireworks, just a sad 'poof'."
"Hey, Dolly. The only thing I want to bring up is that you lost to me because you fucked up, you didn't care enough... Are you for real? Why is this different then? You've been kidnapped and tortured, got a dick tattooed on your mouth and this is making you care to beat me this time? Like I said before, that high school diploma is really coming in handy. Also as I've said, I do actually like you, I'll talk shit, yeah but I don't really want to. I destroyed your face and broke your heart, shit I even came to apologize that night and you are just acting like it didn't matter. That hurts, baby. You took the L when you only wanted the D, I see, but you trying to be the linchpin to make this team of yours work is just pathetic. No one cares about you guys! All eyes on us, baby! Everybody loves Dick and Dick loves everyone, they need Dick, they crave Dick, every DP promo just makes people's mouths water! Thanks for pointing out my initials by the way Charlie, I always thought was too subtle for people to get but you got that out in the open, brother! People love Jim, they want the best trash talk in the fed and Jim delivers. People love Ned, kinda, he's moody so y'know how it works, but tell me this, who has delivered the most interesting concepts that this fed has seen? Ned, that's fucking who. What the fuck has any of your team done to even measure up to one of Ned's bigger promos? Nah, y'all just like me, same shit, different promo I just have the balls to admit it and the charisma to carry it. Now Geri, like you said Doll, she's in and out as much as you but she goes to other promotions to win other titles... The fuck do you do?"
"Now you can bring your weak trash talk to me and I'll shake that off like jizz onto a face but you try that shit with my team when you have zero fucking idea what you're talking about then we're gonna have a problem, girl and I guran-fucking-tee you that no matter what motivation you have, all that drive and passion that you're lying about will still lead to your face driving into my knee and you staying still like a good little girl for the best 3 seconds of your miserable life."
"Now, you all know me, I'm Dick Powers, I say funny sex thing and peace out. But this time I actually have something to try for, shit, a few things. Stop the talentless hoes from getting a sniff at the main event, I get to actually fight Main instead of him running away like a Pomeranian off the lead and I don't want to let my friends down."
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