The California sun hangs low in the clear blue sky. Ned Kaye sits at the end of a stone dock looking down at the water below, he lazily skips small stones into the crashing waves beneath him. His eyes turn to approaching footsteps and he looks at Geri who adjusts her glance to the sea as Ned looks back; Kaye fiddles with the stone in his hands staring back at the water.
“Hey.”
“H- … Hi.”
A shock of red appears on Geri’s cheeks as she clears her throat.
“Our fearless leader invite you out here too?”
“Yeah… I know he bought a boat so I guess we’re doing Pirates of the Carribean now? Thought we were doing Avengers.”
Ned flicks the stone away and stands to his feet, placing his hands into his pockets.
“I think he just goes with whatever has the most innuendos.”
“Manwhore-at-arms is pretty funny.”
Geri gives a slight grin as Ned scoffs. The serene ambient noise is ruined by screeching tires and the rumble of a loud engine. The two on the dock look to the origin of the cacophonous clamor and see Jim Caedus and Arcana riding Ewrecktion (Jim's custom APEX Harley, knock it off ya filthy bastards) up to the dock. It rolls to a halt, the engine killed. Arcana hops off Jim's Ewrecktion, rubbing her sore ass as Jim swings a left leg over his ride and examines the two Acockalypse Now members from afar. He gives a wave as he and Arcana approach.
“Sup chucklefucks!”
Jim throws an arm over Arcana as they meet with Ned and Geri.
"Nedlyyyyyy!"Removes his arm from Arcana to swing the Nefarious One a high-powered side-five before turning to Vayden."Geri, lookin' stunningly Eilish as usual. Up high!"Jim raises his hand for a high five, Geri doesn't move, doesn't smile, simply pinning him with a "die Jim" expression. Caedus drops his hand for a low five."...Down low?"Geri moves to return the low fi- OOOOOOOOH, she nails Jim with a nut-check! Ned snorts, Geri cracks a smile, Jim doubles over in pained shock, laughing in good spirits. With a discomforted tone-"Jesus… Big ups on that one, Ger'!"
“Good to see my SEX-Men are bonding.”
The group turn to Dick Powers, looking gaunt and rolling up in a wheelchair. Jim emits a whistle-laugh in response to the name-game as the rest look defeated.
“And I, Professor SEX will guide you and prove why we are homo-superior when we go on our epic new adventure!”
There is a slight pause.
“So now it’s X-Men?”
“Dick.”
Powers points with a head tilt. Ned sighs.
“... Slambassador, why are you in a wheelchair?”
Dick crosses his legs.
“Needed to play the part dude, Cummander-in-Queef you get the stuff?”
“Aye aye, cap'n. Btw, LOVIN' the SEX-Men, I wanna be Urethra!”
"Urethra?"
"Yeah, the SEX-Men version 'a Cyclops."
"Duh, Arcana. Geri can be Lube-ilee and Ned, my loyal Breast!"
Ned looks like he wants to die as Dick touches his elbow.
"Arcana you're Jean Lay and your werewolf hooker coven sis LYcana is the blue-haired Yeast…...Infection. I mean it was obligatory. Anyway, the nugs Professor."
Dick thinks on how better Yeast Infection is than Breast but doesn’t mention it. Jim reveals a large bag of weed which shimmers with a magical shine and tosses it onto Dick’s lap.
“That shit'll make your hair grow back straight, might even give Ned a sense 'a humor.”
Jim laughs, playfully backhanding Ned’s chest.
“If we came here to get high and play nice, I’ve got better things to do.”
“Shit, I don’t.”
Geri grabs the bag from Dick and opens it, breathing in deeply as a smile creeps on her face. Arcana gives a smile.
“I may have enhanced it just a pinch.”
Ned rolls his eyes.
“Oh cool, magic drugs! Maybe if we plant it we’d get a magic cannabis plant that we could climb into the clouds.”
“... Doooooope! PLEASE tell me that'll happen sweets, will it!?”
Jim looks awestruck as Arcana shrugs, Ned shakes his head and starts to push past the group. Dick grabs his wrist.
“Wait, Ned! C’mon dude think of the big picture here, man. We ain’t gonna win at War Games if we don’t act like a team and teamwork means getting to know each other, having each other's backs and helping me fix my erectile dysfunction.”
Ned snatches his arm away from a frail Dick.
“I know teamwork. I’ve seen teamwork. This isn’t it, this is an excuse for you to get high and I refuse to be a part of it, it’s childish.”
“What if it helps you beat Main?”
Ned looks to Geri.
“Maybe… Maybe this could be the catalyst, we actually try and get to see how we get on outside of a match so that we can work better inside of a match.”
“Baby, we figure shit out we could bitch-slap Main’s beard into a goatee and you can finally get that satisfaction you crave.”
"Do me a favor Nedly; fuckstart fucktard's head and nut some genius jism in Bob-O's empty coconut 'fore ya split it so's he potentially crawls away with some modicum 'a talent. Lord knows I never rubbed off on 'im. ...I mean aside 'a jackin' off on 'is face while he slept."
The Nefarious One looks around, tapping his foot, his eyes darting between his teammates. With a heavy sigh he finally speaks.
“Fine.”
The group give a small cheer, Jim grabbing Ned’s shoulder, who gives a barely noticeable smile. Dick’s Casio calculator watch begins to beep.
“Oh shit! Get behind me my Sex-Men!”
Confused, the group do as he asks and Dick pulls out an umbrella to protect them all from a crashing wave that soaks the dock; Dick shakes the umbrella dry and puts it back away under his wheelchair. The team stand up straight staring in awe of the galleon that has appeared in front of them; Dick sits in a stoic pride and gestures to the ship.
“Behold, the DICK-Lorean!”
In amazement. "Great scott… Now THAT'S some engorgeous wood, Dick."
The words Moby Dick painted on the side of the vessel have been crudely covered and Dick-Lorean is written sloppily below. The gang stand in silence with their mouths agape. The gangplank is dropped from the boat and lands on the dock; a beautiful blonde woman in a lab coat begins to walk down to meet the team.
“Meet my test subject, I call her Einstein because she always be giving me brain.”
Dick throws up a hand for a high five. Jim, laughing his ass off, goes to meet it but Arcana pushes Caedus’ arm back down with a slow shake of her head. A little dejected, the high goes un-fived.
"Before we embark on our adventure...Capitan, I've a gift for ya. Baby?"Arcana poofs a top hat into existence and hands it to Jim. Jim reaches his hand inside, adopts a look of confusion, dips his arm down to the shoulder within the hat's inexplicable innards and finally pulls out-
"A parrot?"
"No Captain should be without one! What's your name lil' guy?"
"Raaaaaaaaawbert Main, Raaaaaaaaawbert Main! Raaaw! Tin foil hat! Power-drunk pissant! Where's the script!? Raaaw!"
"Yeah, he basically repeats what he hears or is told. He has no voice of his own. But hey, he IS a dumbass bird."
Rawbert Main flaps from Jim's hand to Dick's shoulder.
"Raaaw! I'm not a jobber, I was poisoned! Raaaw! Lord let me fuck one time! Just one time! Surpriiise! Raaaw! Dolly Waters is here to win! Meh, why try? Raaaw! Cup the balls! Cup the balls! Raaaw!"
"Cup the balls? Who'd he pick that up from?"
Arcana blushes. Jim offers a massive toothy grin. Dick pets the bird gently as a tear appears in his eye.
“I shall treasure him always, Jimmy.”
“RAAAW! Scared to face him, too scared gonna lose, raaaaw!”
Dick guffaws which turns into a horrid chesty cough, spitting blood and mucus into his palm.
“Oh shit, you’re actually in a bad way.”
Arcana whips her hand and a handkerchief appears which she hands to Dick who wipes the blood away, Jim kneels down to check on Dick.
“Man, I feel like All Might.”
“... Who?”
“All Might! From My Hero Academia. It’s a good show, I’ve actually been getting into anime a lot recently.”
The group fall silent for a moment.
“Shit Dick, we need to get your mojo back A S A fuckin’ P.”
“Agreed, you’re starting to sound like a beta cuck.”
Dick sniffles.
“I’m running out of time, guys. I used the last of my remaining mojo on that sweet Einstein joke. I’m afraid if we don’t go soon my balls will be dryer than a nun’s… Armpit…”
Jim stands up straight and gets behind Dick’s wheelchair and begins to push him towards the gangplank.
“Dick, if I could give you my mojo I would in a heartbeat dude.”
Dick pats Jim’s hand.
“I know you would, Jimmy, I know.”
As the group begins walking Jim looks to Arcana.
“Is there no way you could fill the Slambassador’s balls with some spell?”
“I only know how to empty them.”
She gives a wink to Jim, Dick makes a weak laugh.
“Sadly no amount of witchcraft, wizardry or… Another thing that starts with ‘W’ will not work on my wankshaft. The only thing that can cure me is by going to the Mojenisis! The celestial phenomenon, 1969 the sexiest time period, Woodstock, the sexiest event in human history. The pinnacle of free love, the magnum opus of magnum puss!”
Dick coughs violently once more.
“Dammit, Dick! You can’t keep sayin’ all this hot stuff, you’ll be meetin’ Davy Jones before we set sail.” Jim gets to the gangplank and looks back to Ned. “Nedly, give me a hand with Dick’s wheelchair.”
Ned gives a huff and walks over.
“You know he can walk right?”
“Look at 'im bro! I’m worried he’d fall off the damn edge!”
Ned and Jim grab the sides of the wheelchair and hoist Dick up the gangplank. Einstein waits patiently, probably hoping to get paid and go home.
“I’m very happy you all came.”
“Somebody needs to now that you can’t.”
Caedus and Dick give hearty laughs as they all make their way aboard. Once on deck, Ned and Jim sit Dick down who rolls himself over to a non-specific part of the ship that the flux capacitor has been jammed into. Dick points to it as the team gather round.
“This beautiful piece of machinery that Jim and Arcana recovered is how we’re going to get to the Mojenisis event; trust me guys, once this ship hits 69 nautical miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit.”
Jim looks excited, his arms crossed swaying on his toes. Geri raises an eyebrow and leans to Ned.
“So now it’s Back to the Future? I’m so confused.”
“I think he wanted Avengers Endgame and got confused. Or he couldn’t think of a good pun.”
“Assvengers End-came, never doubt me Ned.” Dick wheels over to a treasure chest and places a hand on it. “But before we travel through time we need to well-prepared.”
Dick lifts the chest open, smoke pours from layers of ice as cans and bottles of alcohol glitter in the sun.
“We gotta get fucked up, boys and girls.”
Caedus grins and moves to the chest taking a can and tossing it to Arcana, then to Geri and a final to Ned who looks at it unimpressed. Caedus bites the cork from a bottle of high-end rum and spits it overboard. Dick takes the bag of “magic leaf” from Geri and begins to roll a joint on his lap.
“So, we get drunk and high to prepare going back in time to stop you from having a midlife crisis.”
Dick raises his brow as he grinds the weed.
“Sir, I am 29 years old.”
“You are very clearly not, you look 50.”
Dick gasps.
“Yeah I’m with Ned, you look like Mr Clean’s arch-rival.”
Dick puts a hand to his heart, his mouth agape.
“Et tu, First Mate Geri?”
“You look like a ballsack with fewer pubes and more wrinkles.”
Snickering, Jim swallows down a mouthful of rum and taps Dick’s shoulder.
“Here, Cap, I’ll give you an example.”
Jim unzips and pulls out a pair of bull-sized testicles into Dick’s face who fakes like he doesn’t like it. Jim bursts into laughter tucking away his balls as Arcana joins in with a cackle, then Geri and Dick, and finally Ned lets out a quiet chuckle. Dick halts the weed, looking between his team with a wide grin on his face and grabs a bottle from the chest and raises it high in the air.
They look to Ned who turns the can in his palm before finally nodding to himself and putting his arm in with a smile.
“Fuck it, to Acockalypse Now.”
The scene fades slowly to black.
We join the crew of the SS Sex (Dick-Lorean got voted out) several hours later. Dick is swaying at the helm with a bottle of Hennesy in his hand which sloshes out liquid as he moves sporadically, Rawrbert Main flies over head. Ned is looking out at the stars while Geri is up in the crow’s nest smoking a joint, Jim and Arcana are… Indisposed. Dick squints over at Ned.
Ned spins to lock eyes with Dick who smiles back hanging over the wheel.
“Be a lamb and hoist the sails.”
Ned looks at the rope to the beam, then to the sails themselves, then back to the rope and lastly to Dick.
“No!”
“Quit being a bitch!”
“I got it!”
A muffled shout sounds from above them as Geri rappels from the crow’s nest using the rope and lands next to Ned, with a quick flick of her hand she unravels the rope and the mainsail drops. Dick gives a thumbs up.
“This is why you’re First Mate, baby!”
Ned looks at Geri.
“That was impressive.”
Geri gives a wink and a finger gun with the joint hanging out her mouth, she then proceeds to the other sails. Dick slams his foot down on the deck and yells.
“You two quit fucking!” Dick’s eyes go wide and he mumbles to himself. “I never thought those words would leave my mouth.”
As Dick pouts Ned looks over.
“If we’re actually doing this you want me to raise the anchor?”
“Oh yeah, that’ll help. Good thinking, sweetie.”
Ned goes over to the crank to raise the anchor, he mutters under his breath.
“Sweetie?”
The door to the cabin opens up and Jim stumbles out wearing nothing but a Jolly Roger flag and a smile; Arcana follows behind adjusting her clothes.
“Fuck, we setting sail!? Dick, I got time to do the Titanic shit with Arcana?”
Dick clears his throat pointing down to a sign below which reads “No Titanic re-enactments.” Under that it also says “No fat chicks.” Jim gives a disappointed sigh as Arcana consoles him. The chain of the anchor rattles up as Dick turns the wheel portside to maneuver away from the dock. Wind hits the sails with a woosh and the galleon wades through the waters into the seemingly endless ocean. Caedus lets out a loud “Woo” as he runs up the front of the ship and poses proudly, the flag flying like a cape behind him. Geri strolls up to Ned and offer him the joint.
“Screw it.” Ned takes it and tokes deeply, bellowing smoke. “Dick’s probably gonna kill us anyway.”
“There’s that cheery demeanor I’m so accustomed to.”
“If you guys are drunk you’re gonna sober up real fucking soon! Here we go!”
The crew brace themselves, holding onto the ship tightly as the galleon sails smoothly in the open water. After a few seconds, everyone relaxes.
“Cap’n, we back in time?”
“Ermmm, not yet!”
“Looks like your ’flux capacitor’ isn’t working too well, Slambassador.”
“Cracker, do you know how long it takes to get to 69 nautical miles per hour?”
“Do you?”
“Obviously not! That’s why I asked.”
“This is so stupid.” Ned looks back. “Oh look! If I get off here I can swim to the docks and actually do something useful with my time!”
“Ned… Shuddup!”
“You tell 'im, Dick!”
Jim raises a fist in solidarity.
“Ned, chill man. We can still at least have fun out here. Nice night… It’s warm. Got a fuck ton of weed and alcohol.”
Ned goes to speak but the entire crew stumbles as the galleon thrashes and electricity runs across the deck. Dick’s eyes widen and he laughs maniacally.
“Suck it, Ned!”
The galleon continues to thrash and the crew hold on for dear life as lightning shoots from the SS Sex and speeds ahead until the night sky in front of them turns into a blinding light. The galleon vanishes from the water, leaving only a trail of fire.
We go to an open field where a large group of people are dancing and talking amongst each other. A layer of smoke hangs above them as they pass around the devil’s lettuce; suddenly, the crowd is disturbed by a gigantic pirate ship crashing through the trees and stopping in front of them, as anyone would be. The group looks on as the wood of the ship creaks loudly and falls slowly to it’s side. One hippy looks at the joint in his fingers and throws it away, swearing to never touch drugs again. And that young man grew up to be Rush Limbaugh. Be cool, kids, do drugs. The crew of the ship all look out at the group below them and give a slow, sorry wave. The mast crashes down to the ground behind them and the hippies let out a shocked scream; Acockalypse Now and Arcana look back and then to the damage of the ship before carefully walking down to the grass. On land Jim throws an arm around Dick.
“It fuckin’ worked, dude!”
“Yeah but I think the ship’s busted… Can we even get back home now?”
“Oh I’m sure we can fix her up, the problem will be getting the 1.21 Jizzawatts to fuel the flux capacitor.”
“Dick! JIZZAWATTS! You made a pun and didn’t puke blood!”
Dick’s eyes widen and he touches his body.
“By God, you’re right! Just being near the Mojenesis is making me better! Now I just need to find the place where it’s peak to fuel my sensual self.”
Ned walks a little ahead of the group and slowly lowers himself until he is face down in the grass.
“Shit, Nedly, you hurt brother?”
Ned doesn’t move, he mumbles through the grass.
“I am just drunk and high and this is the result… I’m gonna stay here until I’m on my comedown.”
Affectionately petting Ned's gloriously shiny, soft locks. "No worries Nedly. Rest sweet prince, we'll handle this and pick ya back up."
Dick, Geri, Arcana and Jim head for the stage setup in the near distance, picking their way through the throng. Keeping an eye out for the source until finally...
"I can feel it."
"Feel what?"
"A throbbing in my normally titanic nethers...we must be close." Dick thrusts his groin forward as he parts through the crowd with a slight jiggle to his loins. “My dick! It’s acting like a dowsing rod for mojo!”
“Oh shit! Look at ‘im go!”
Dick gyrates furiously, walking through random directions in the crowd until he pushes through a group of stoned hippies, knocking them to the floor as Geri, Arcana and Jim act like the secret service knocking pedestrians to the ground with the nonchalant brutality of the LAPD.
“It’s on the move!”
“Get the fuck out the way! This man needs his mojo!”
Jim straight up headbutts a dude as Geri pushes others out of the way, Arcana begins to cast a force field to get through the gathering crowd easier.
Meanwhile with Ned.
”Fuck.”
Ned rolls over, witnessing the peaceful skies above Woodstock, the music and festivities becoming a little too much to ignore.
”I suppose if I’m going to lose my shit, I might as well have fun doing it.”
As Ned attempted to get up, the effects of the drugs and alcohol made his movements unsteady. It didn’t help in the slightest that Ned had to be surrounded by a celebration of peace and love, two things he had spent months disavowing. As he wandered around the festival, maneuvering through the crowds as best he could, he would encounter the odd individual that would pay him mind, confused at his appearance or otherwise in awe of his hair or how truly out of it he looked.
Muttering under his breath, ”This is all bullshit. I’m not really here,” Ned managed to remain a selective choice for avoidance by most denizens of the festival. Unfortunately for him, that included security. Collapsing somewhere backstage, Ned ruminated on his predicament, an uneasy feeling in his gut. Despite having come into this nightmare fever dream with others, he chose immediately to seperate. Perhaps that was just the kind of person Ned was, a loner to his own detriment. As he fell deeper into his thoughts, a voice made his ears perk up.
“Hey there. Why ya down, Charlie Brown?”
”I’m just thinking. Maybe I’m just trying to avoid thinking about something else.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“My friends. Well, I don’t know if I’d quite call them that, but I did arrive here with them.”
“Oh. Guess they ditched you to prance about elsewhere?”
“No, no. I left them.”
“If you left them, why the long face? Seems like it was somethin’ you were wantin’ to do.”
“I don’t know if I’d say that, but it does feel like something I have to do.”
“If you gotta do something that doesn’t make you happy, is it worth doin’?”
Ned paused for a moment, uncertain how to answer.
“I suppose not. Thanks, uh-?”
Ned looked up, seeing Jimi Hendrix stare back at him, tuning up a guitar.
“Holy shit. Are you Jimi Hendrix?”
Jimi chuckled and smiled as he responded, tuning his guitar while he spoke. “Some folk call me that. Also, is that a pirate ship?”
Ned looks behind him briefly before turning back.
“Yeah, long story. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate i-”
Before Ned’s words can finish leaving his lips, Geri and Jim ambush Hendrix, leaping from behind him and tackling him to the ground.
“HOLD HIM DOWN! HOLD HIM DOWN! I NEED THAT SWEET MOJO!”
Ned stares in utter disbelief as Dick pulls out a pair of period inaccurate electric clippers and shaves Hendrix’s head, Caedus frantically collecting the hair into a small bag, trying to ensure no strand is wasted.
”Thanks manwhore-at-arms! We never could have done this without you!”
”I-wha-”
As the three finally finish the shaving of Jimi’s legendary ‘fro, Dick Powers weakly gets to his feet, Geri hurriedly slathering his head with a strange white paste. Dick falls to the ground, his erection beginning to soften as Caedus slaps the newly gained hair on his head.
Nearly in tears."No…no, no, NO!! DICK! Please...I- I can't- WE can't lose our Captain now! Engorge goddamn you, ENGORGE!"
I-it’s too late, Cummander-in-Queef… We all tried our best, but not even I can stay hard for more than 8 decades...
Geri holds Dick’s hand as his mojo seems to fade. He lets go of her, clearly uncomfortable with holding a female companion’s hand as he has his last erection. Ned was merely confused, unsure of exactly what was going on.
And what happened next? Well, Acockalypse Now all say that Dick Powers’ boner grew ten sizes that day. He leapt to his feet and said with a wink, “My third leg has grown back, tis veiny and pink!”
”What in the fuck just happened?”
Jimi Hendrix stands up, his afro completely restored by mysterious means. He shrugs a bit, clearly not too bothered by the actions of these weirdos he just met. Dick walks up to apologize to him.
Sorry, Mr. Hendrix! I didn’t have a bone to pick with you, but I have a boner because of you.
“It’s no worries. Besides, I’m ‘bout to play anyway, always nice to have a new set of hair before gettin’ it all wet.”
”Exactly!”
”But wait! How did you get your hair back?”
Jimi smiles back at Ned.
“The Mojenesis, baby.”
He steps away as Dick begins shouting in Ned’s ear.
“I TOLD YOU!”
"It's about that time, Acocks. Think we’ve destroyed a timeline enough for today."
"Hold up...baby, remember what happened with that alternate dimension shit? I thought you weren't able to Chrono-skip us around?"
"That applies to traveling BACK through time, this is returning to our present. ...I know, it's , but true magick is a mongoloid; half credible, half horseshit. Just trust me Jimmy…"
Waving her hands through the air, wisps of energy appear at her fingertips as she opens a portal through time; she takes a step back and gestures the group to move into the portal.
“Doctor Strange! We’re back on Marvel… Neat.” Geri hops in first. “See you on the other side.”
And with that she vanishes, Ned moves next.
“I still feel bad about Hendrix.”
“He’ll get over it, trust me.”
Ned tilts his head and walks through the portal. Jim steps forward.
“It’s been fun ‘69, see you never!”
And Jim cannonballs through time, finally Dick steps up but as he is about to make a one-liner his raging boner gets sucked in through the portal and he is whisked away. Arcana waves her hands once more as she walks backwards into the portal and a blinding flash of light illuminates the entire area. Then darkness.
Dick wakes up alone on a beach, the sun beginning to rise. The rest of his crew are nowhere to be seen. Are they elsewhere or gone completely? Dick ponders this as Rawrbert Main flies down and perches atop Dick’s hard on.
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