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The hidden Island of Buyan has been the subject of lore for a substantial span of human history. One such legend states that Buyan is the location where many earthly things share an origin and certain items of importance that have been lost reside for safekeeping until needed most.


It is for this reason the magical island is now about to host the arrival of none other than-



POOF!!



-Jim Caedus and his smokin' hot (in more ways than one, she's primarily a pyromancer and you KNOW that's kickass) new love interest Kaiya Fox (better known to the XWF roster as the newly active Arcana) both of whom appear in a flash of ultra efficient teleportation sorcery.


Damn girl, you're magically convenient as FUCK! So this is what it feels like to be Dock poofin' hither and thither at whim. Lazy ol' bastard...


What exactly are we doing here again babe?


We're here on assignment sweetheart. Dick's lost 'is mojo. I aim to find it for 'im. Only then can my captain reacquire the rigidity required to rail our opponents into orgasmic squirting submission, leavin' the wimps wide open for Ned, Geri and I to methodically murder the lot of 'em and advance Acockalypse Now to the survivors' fuck fest finale.


I see. Well then, our target is the Island's Lake of Lost and Found, lover.


And where might we find this lake?


Actually it's right over there. Arcana points to a body of water in the distance.


It's so faaaaaaaaaaar... Hey baby? D'you think you could possibly-


With a sigh and a smile, Arcana snaps her fingers and the couple POOFS to lakeside.


You're so fuckin' awesome baby. Plants a kiss on her lips that leaves her swooning. Alright, so how's this work?


According to legend you need to visualize what it is you're looking for, reach into the lake and pull it out.


That's it?? I can do that...


Jim kneels at waters' edge and stabs his right hand into the lake. He closes his eyes...


...and pulls out a large cloth sack.


The hell is this? He opens the sack, paws through it. Let's see...a list 'a credible excuses...rock solid game with the ladies...a penis- Fuck, this is what Marf lost, not Dick. Still, as a nice guy I should really return these. Jim flings the sack further into the lake and dips his arm back in...


...this time pulling out...


...a second, smaller sack.


Upon opening and inspecting the contents... Clever gimmicks...Rel Dixon's pussy...WHOA! Holy shit, I never saw THAT comin'! An effective surprise! This is obviously Charlie's.


He tosses the second sack to Arcana, she incinerates it. Jim reaches back into the water...


...pulling out a third sack and poking through it's contents.


An ounce of pride...a guide for trash talk...a helmet. Bob-O. I actually am returnin' these. We may be opponents for now and I damn sure ain't gonna go anything less than hard at 'im- as I expect 'im to do to me -but he's still my APEX brother and I wanna see him regain the heat he deserves.


Jim tosses the sack to Arcana. She blasts it into oblivion.


A fourth time Jim reaches into the lake, this time pulling out-


::SPLASH::


A diminutive figure flies free of the lake and executes a superhero landing on the grass behind Arcana.


The fuck, a BABY?


The child babbles. Naturally, Arcana is a student of many things including languages, Babble being among then.


Astonishment. My Gods... Jimmy, it seems the lake also serves as the point of origin for earthly wonders! She says she's the Inexplicable Super Baby and she intends to show Dolly Waters just how ludicrously unbelievable a baby bitch can be!


With that, Inexplicable Super Baby shoots off into the azure sky, vanishing from sight with a twinkle like Team Rocket. Sweeeeeet.


Anyway, Jim resumes pulling the fourth sack from the lake and inspects the innards...


What've we here? He produces a... Wait, izzat- It IS... it's- A flux capacitor? Oh shit, Dick needs this for the pirate shit Delorean tech! We can't travel through time without it!


A tremor suddenly runs through the interior of the Island...


Glancing around fearfully. Jimmy ... It's time to go babe. Once accepting a discovery, the Island demands you leave.


But I didn't find Dick's mojo!


We don't have a choice-


POOF!


When the smoke clears...


Jim, now I possession of a flux capacitor, finds himself conveniently deposited at-









To be continued...
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Once upon a time, True Believers...


A tragic hack has-been and a duo 'a numbnut never-was wastrels were Brady Bunch buttfuckered into battle- a Secret Wars Game if you will -by legit the lamest limpdick dumbass on the roster. "Mr. Faptastic" Reed Chuck Cuck Richards, a pure punchline of a loser gifted with the power to stretch; not only the limits 'a logic and the patience of peers but the ability for the legendary self reach around, allowin' 'im to find unjustified pleasure in gettin' anally hole-splittin' hate fucked.


Constantly.


.


Anyhoo...


We all know Mr. Fantastic and The Invisible Woman Sue Storm end up together but as far as "Mr. Faptastic" is concerned, pussy plays the virgin like a violin vagolin and dips out on the dough-ball bitch, appropriately leavin' 'im hangin' to get called out and laughed at by enemies, allies and the dead alike 'cause he's hilariously pathetic enough to make a corpse cackle. Seemingly more Chaos than Chris 'erself, "Mr. Faptastic" apparently feels obligated to the position of ass up face down, the XWF's brand new stinkbug, brown-eye ever presented for pulverization, pleading for a skeeting under the mistaken belief that one of us will knock 'is ass up and he'll butt-birth a brilliant idea as opposed to the shit-infant stillborn "surprises" he's accustomed to.


Thus, he's a very generous cumslut, greedily gobblin' gherkins and strap-ons with a sphincter that can envelope and crush a bull elephant's balls and even execute finer work like poppin' the caps offa beer bottles for alcoholic colonic consumption. This asshat's asshole is so stupendously super and worked out it can dilate and pucker swiftly enough to lip sync to speed rapper Tech9ne and pluck a coin off concrete, hence the origin 'a the Nickles/Dimes dipshittery. Impressive, no?


And yet, he impresses no one.


But now... "Mr. Faptastic" is lookin' to make a change, captaining a crew 'a colossal clusterfucks he calls 'is Carnies, 'cause ain't nothin' cooler than a clutch 'a clowns and goofy geeks, now collectively known as "The Faptastic Four"- fucktards all -and for good reason...


Creepily barely legal and inexlicably in-ring effective teeny Southern podunk pig farmer- the "Incompetent Waters" Sooie Storm -possessin' 'a the power to VANISH before our very eyes from hype cycles and promotions at the first sight 'a pressure. Defiant to the last in the face 'a dedication and determination. Legend has it she was once a force to be reckoned with before bein' flushed in Lethal Lottery 4 by the über angry Assvenger-aligned hammer-dick wielding (that's Mjolnir Pee-olnir F-T-R) warlord Assgardian, God of Plunder and current XWF Xtreme Champ, Sore Gatorson.







Yes ladies and gents, me, the still sexy Thor with the long blonde hair 😍, Acockalypse Now Cummander-in-Queef to Slambassador Pirate Lord Dick Powers aka Dick Muthafuckin' Fury aka the Honorary Assgardian God 'a Gash 'n Ass.


Pay attention Charlie, this is how to harvest ideas ya stale sack 'a static shit.


Anyway, movin' on...


...to the third thotastic titty baby among the Faptastic Four...


...once glorious now gutted and D- meh moronathon the "Human Fizzle" Robby Storm. Rob at one time possessed the power of flames and flight, though currently he couldn't bring the fire if ya packed his holes on both ends with incendiary IEDs, soaked 'is ass in gasoline and tossed a lit match. Or if you handed him a script but that's neither here nor there. He can still fly but it's contingent on bootin' 'is bunghole airborne and watchin' 'im drop faster than 'is own credibility takin' a nosedive after receivin' an L up the shit shaft by a midcard douchebag the likes 'a Thaddeus Fluke.


Hi Thadly! Can't wait to see ya at the pay per view even though your class and pride'll be booked elsewhere as usual ya whiny butthurt SCSA takin' my ball and goin' home candy ass sour patch pussy. Fuck happened to you? Oh, right, you've always been a pissy little bitch.


Movin' on...


And of course, the final Faptastic Four member, "The Thong" Marf Chin, surname with roots (much like English names) in ancestral occupation (that bein' takin' it on the chin whether insult, uppercut or mid-blowjob sac rest) and whom most days can be found wedged up Lycana's furry wolf crack. "Thong" is as entertainin', intelligent and slow as a pile 'a fuckin' rocks but he's also a consummate curtain-jerker so there's that. He DOES possess the power 'a super strength although that really only applies to how strong he pulls off lookin' like a loser.


And somehow..."Mr. Faptastic" believes 'is lineup 'a jag-offs commands anything approachin' amazin', or halfway decent, or NOT four flaccid fuck-ups...


The truth is, as I slide the MCU molestation aside, Charlie's Carnies represent the ball-drop of domination and obstinate refusal to improve.


Charlie hasn't changed one iota, insanely insistin' on maintainin' the same strategy 'a SURPRISE that's gotten 'im NOWHERE for months on end other than the business end 'a my Caedus cock in our Central Park Brawl and an asskickin' kick out so humiliating in the 24/7 Halls that it saw ally turned heckler Jim Jimson morph to Simp Simpson savin' fatboy from the cops and what I'd imagine was serious consideration for suicide.


Goddammit. He coulda been dead Jim. You've condemned us all to a continuing saga 'a shitty gimmicks and hooded run-ins.


At the very least it appears Charlie finally made the decision to shit-can the chicanery 'a changin' personalities...though ultimately I wouldn't bet on anything leanin' towards learnin' with this dickhead doofus.


I mean, take 'is team picks for example...


Dolly Waters.


Back again finally for another active round 'a ready, set, NO huh? It blows my mind you're actually actin' as if you ain't one 'a the most unreliable roster members in XWF history, puttin' more time into Continuum cameos than you have in redemption recently, which, let's be honest, you ain't ever gonna attain. Since our clash in Lethal Lottery 4 I've been waitin' for what I assumed would be a return 'a the wreckin'-ball bimbo blisterin' ass cheeks with red hot trash talk and impossibly beatin' up full grown men in the ring.


Unfortunately there's no escapin' the genetic curse of bein' a Waters as recently evidenced in your singles match with my team captain Dick Powers via your half-assed hype cycle efforts and a thorough fuckin' in the ring. We're all lookin' forward to you ALMOST makin' an impact again. Which, consequently, can't be said in context with my next target...


Ahhh Marf.


Why the hell are you still here? APEX literally handed you the worst beatdown you've ever suffered but you remain on the roster. Oh my bad, I forgot, you've still got so many people to hurt and not defeat you ever enhancement talent twat. I've got news for you:


Poisoned or not, you're a fuckin' dumpster fire and you'll always be devoid of what it'll take to turn it around. No one cares about your self described designation 'round here. No one fears you. No one likes you. Kill yourself and get it over with already ya reject. Your assault on me post cage match with Lycana was a joke aptly executed in a Goofy suit.


And speakin' of cartoon characters...


Bob-O.


Well, this certainly sucks doesn't it? Now everybody's gonna witness just how weightless you are in comparison to Caedus, complimentary past team fluffin' be damned. I'm sorry it has to happen like this but I'm not apologizin' for my havin' the goal 'a gapin' you like every other opponent in my team's path. It's been a looooooong time since we've had to square off, last time it was Leap of Faith 2017 and you had to watch me walk away with the victory. I clearly can't predict overall victory in War Games but I'm fairly confident if anyone is gonna take me down it ain't gonna be you.


You've lost your spark- I know, it's all you're hearin' lately but it's hard to argue with the facts -and as much as I hate enjoy admittin' it, you're no longer the titan you were prior to TK crackin' your head open. How the FUCK could you let Thaddeus win? How? It's fuckin' THADDEUS FLUKE ya fuckhead! Christ almighty...


You embarrassed APEX- definition CREAM 'A THE CROP -with that loss in failing to flatline the King of the Midcarders. You truly belong in Charlie's Carnies you crumblin' cocksucker. I'm afraid I'm gonna hafta treat you like the bitch you've become and pump the lingerin' life outta you in the ring. It's simply business brother.


The business of a man who ain't gonna let you drag 'im down with you.


I suggest takin' your leave as soon as humanly possible before someone like me motherfucks the last vestige 'a "legendary" you got left.


At long last The Omega is livin' up to 'is moniker.


And if I have to, I'll split your fuckin' melon for the second time to achieve...


T
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XXXAXLXPXHXAXXXBXEXAXTXSXXXOXMXEXGXAXXX

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~XWF ALL TIME TOP 50 - #6!!!! <3
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