Seated around a poker table covered with various colored chips, various different beer bottles, and various different smokes crushed into ashtrays, the Disintigrators, ‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang and Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele, sit with their new agent, Freddy Fabulous.
Freddy Fabulous: “Read ‘em and weep, boys!”
Freddy drops his five cards down onto the green felt tabletop. All diamonds. Johnny Steele stands up abruptly and his chair falls over backward.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “MOTHERFUCK!”
Steele slaps his cards down in a mess, then shoves his chips over toward Freddy. Mustang just hangs his head.
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Again!? That’s three hands in a row you got me thinking I had you. Two pair, kings high? That’s a winning hand nine times outta ten!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “I HAD A FULL HOUSE DAVID THIS JUST AIN’T RIGHT! THIS SUMBITCH RIGHT HERE IS PLAYING CROOKED, AND I’M GONNA SHAKE HIM BY HIS ANKLES!”
Steele takes a step toward Freddy, who rises to his feet while puffing away on a fat cigar and gathering up a pile of plastic chips. Dave Mustang steps in Johnny’s way, cutting him off.
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Johnny! Take a breath, my man, we can trust Freddy. As a matter of fact, this goes to show that he’s the right man for the job. I bet that popped tube of biscuits Blankenship couldn’t even play a game of Go Fish. Freddy’s gonna get us to the next level, ain’t you Freddy?”
Freddy Fabulous: “You can always trust a FABULOUS, boys. It’s been true since my great great granddaddy Finnegan was fleecing Confederate soldiers in Virginia saloons back in the 1800s, and it’s twice as true now.”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “I AIN’T GOT NO MORE MONEY, YOU DAMN CROOK! PLAY ME A HAND FOR THE WHOLE POT, I’LL PUT MY TAG TEAM TITLE BELT UP FOR COLLATERAL! WOO!”
Johnny grabs a bottle of Silver Bullet and takes a swig, slamming the mostly empty bottle back down onto the table and holding his hand out to Freddy for a shake.
Freddy Fabulous[/blue]: “That’s the kind of confidence I like to see out of a pair of Fabulous Men before a big match! For you both, it’s not a matter of if, and not even a matter of when… it’s only a matter of how did they not see it coming!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Well that’s just every day for a Disintigrator, Freddy. You see we wake up every morning full of piss and vinegar, ready to kick ass and take names. We ride iron horses through deserts and hurricanes, big boy, and at every stop along the way we end up pulling our boots out of the backsides of dumbasses just like Billy Blankenship, and just like the No Good Bastards! Johnny how many times you smacked the molars right out the mouth of a delicate little snowflake like Billy Blankenship?”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL ME THE TOOTH FAIRY JACK! I SMACK INCISORS AND BICUSPIDS TOO BECAUSE THE MAN OF STEELE DON’T DISCRIMINATE WHEN HE’S USING HIS FISTS FOR DENTISTRY! I’LL POP THAT PIGEON TOED PIMPLE BLANKENSTEIN AND I’LL DO IT WITH MY FEET UP AND A DRINK IN MY HAND, DADDY! THAT CHEAP POLYESTER SUIT WON’T PROTECT HIM WHEN I PUT HIM OVER MY KNEE AND TAN HIS PASTY CASPER THE GHOST REAR END! AND THOSE BASTARDS? DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THOSE BASTARDS, DAVE! DON’T DO IT! I’M WARNING YOU RIGHT NOW!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “I gotta have it, Steely J! I got a fever for the way you’re gonna do those chumps dirty!”
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “AGGGHHHHH YOU ASKED FOR IT DAVE DON’T TELL ME I DIDN’T WARN YA! ROBBY BOBBY BOURBON YOU UGLY MOON FACED PIECE OF CRAP! LAST TIME I SEEN A FACE LIKE YOURS I HANDED HIM FIVE BUCKS AND TOLD HIM WHERE I WANTED MY BAGS CARRIED TO! YOU GOT NOTHING INSIDE THEM CUSTOM BUTTFLAP JAMMIES YOU WEAR TO THE RING EXCEPT AN INEVITABLE CASE OF GOUT, PUNK! I’LL KNOCK THEM BEADY LITTLE EYES YOU GOT STRAIGHT, THEN I’LL KNOCK ‘EM CROOKED AGAIN BEFORE I BREAK EVERY ONE OF THOSE VIENNA SAUSAGE FINGERS! THEY’RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE UP A COLLECTION AT THE PIGGLY WIGGLY FOR YOUR PLASTIC SURGERY BILLS AFTER WE GET DONE REARRANGING THAT MISTAKE OF A FACE, BOYYYYYYYYY!”
Steele is basically frothing at the mouth as he talks louder and louder, closing and unclosing his fists.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “AS FOR YOU THUNDER KNUCKLES IF THAT EVEN IS YOUR REAL NAME, I’M GONNA SLAP THAT PUBIC PERM OFF YOUR SCALP AND THEN FIND THE LITTLE PIECE OF WIRE COAT HANGER YOUR MOMMA LEFT IN YOUR FOREHEAD DURING HER THIRD TRIMESTER AND USE IT LIKE A BOTTLE OPENER SO I CAN HAVE A COLE ONE WHILE I KICK YOU ALL THE WAY UP AND DOWN THAT AUTISM SPECTRUM YOU LIVE IN! MORE LIKE FETAL ALCOHOL KNUCKLES! TRUST ME MICHELIN MAN YOU BIT OFF WAY MORE THAN THOSE METH TEETH CAN CHEW WHEN YOU DECIDED TO WALK INTO THE DISINTIGRATORS’ RING! TELL ‘EM DANGEROUS!!!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL As usual my boy Johnny ‘Balls Of’ Steele said it best, but let me just repeat the big man’s sentiment for the record! See me and Johnny, we’re a couple of junkyard dogs, daddy, and you two Bastards done hopped the wrong chain link fence! Now, maybe I take Bobby Bourbon, box his dang ears, then send him back to his momma with a red bottom and a quivering lower lip! Maybe I take Thunder Knuckles and bust him up so bad he sees three Dave Mustangs giving him the mollywop, then kick him to the curb with an IOU for a repeat performance! All I know is once Warfare rolls around I’m gonna clock those two heads together like I’m making a bank shot off the eight ball to the corner pocket! Better practice hearing the words AND NEW you two, because it’s gonna happen on Wednesday night, JACK!”
Freddy Fabulous grabs his stogey and ashtray off the table just in the nick of time before Johnny Steele knocks the entire thing over, sending cards, chips, and bottles all over the floor.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE DOUBLE D I GOTTA GET MY HANDS ON THOSE TWO CHICKEN NECKED DIAPER FILLING TURD BURGLARS! THESE FART KNOCKERS AIN’T READY TO THROW BONES WITH THE D-GRATORS, DADDY, LEMME SHOW YOU WITH A VISUAL AID PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNKS!!!”
Johnny drops to the floor and starts wiping his hands all over the floor, grabbing and flipping cards over until he gets a handful that he wants. He grabs a bottle of Coors and finishes what’s left inside and then smashes the glass on his head while standing back up. A trickle of blood starts in the center of his forehead.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “YOU SEE RIGHT HERE THESE TWO CARDS IN MY HAND THAT’S ME AND DAVEY! TWIN ACES, JACK!”
Steele holds up the two black aces, Clubs and Spades, in a hand trembling with adrenaline.
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “Pocket rockets, daddy! WOO!”
Tossing the aces, Johnny then produces the Joker cards, holding them upside down and crumpling them into wads of trash as he spits and shouts.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO! BUT THESE TWO JOKERS IN MY HAND RIGHT NOW THAT’S THOSE FAT UGLY NO GOOD BASTARDS! YOU SEE TINY NUGGETS AND BLIMPY BONBONS AIN’T GOT NOTHING BUT JOKES LIKE A COUPLE OF JOKERS! A COUPLE OF SAD SILLY JESTERS LIKE THEM AIN’T GONNA THINK IT’S TOO FUNNY WHEN IT’S TIME TO BEAR DOWN AND KNUCKLE UP, AIN’T THAT RIGHT FREDDY!!!”
Johnny and Dave turn to Freddy, who looks pretty dumbfounded. He clearly was not expecting a turn.
Freddy Fabulous: “Uhhhh… that’s completely right, John. You two, the Disintigrators, are the cream of the tag team crop. You’ve got the size. You’ve got the skill. You’ve got the charisma. And you’ve got ME right by your side, gentlemen! Salacious and ostentatious, Freddy Fabulous is going to walk down that aisle with a smile for a mile, my friends, because the gold is coming home to Daytona Beach, Florida and staying around the baddest waists in the land for as long as they want! Bike Week 2022? Check! Bike Week 2023? Check! It’s the dawn of a new day in the XWF, so hold onto your butts… WOO!”
Johnny and Dave look REALLY excited by the WOO from Freddy.
Johnny ‘Twisted’ Steele: “WOO!”
‘Dangerous’ Dave Mustang: “WOO!”
Freddy Fabulous: “WOO!”
And then all three crowd the camera lens for a long, slow woo to send it home.
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