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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » "Savage Saturday Night" RP Board
Grundlekick
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Corey Smith Offline
Active in XWF



XWF FanBase:
Some of everyone

(cheered; very rarely plays dirty but isn't lame either; many likable qualities)


#1
06-11-2021, 05:05 PM

February 22, 2010


The bass motor of the van plays on as the vehicle hits a particularly prolific pothole, jostling the young man in the passenger seat awake. His head impacts off the window.

Ow… He mutters groggily. Slow as molasses, he brings a hand up to rub the battered side of his head. The young man looks to be a teen, African American, wearing a basketball jersey and jeans. His hair is close cropped and well tended. In fact, he looks more than a bit like the younger version of a certain….

Yo little man, you awake? Cut over to the driver who is….hooooo boy. You know, let’s just get on with it and say it’s Corey Smith done up to look like Jayzon Williamz. However, we will stress that there is NO BLACKFACE INVOLVED WHATSOEVER. Maybe some gaudy costume bling and a skull cap to make him look bald, but that is it! No racial insensitivity here!

The boy’s eyes flutter and he turns to look at Jayzon. Uncle Jay….? Some of the weariness starts to depart with that query as he livens up, slowly but surely.

Yeah ‘Dre it’z me. And today gonna be the bezt day of your life, dawg!

I don’t….Young Andre Dixon still looks befuddled. He scans the interior of the car before mustering up more words. All I remember is being at my birthday party. And then you handed me a cup of soda and….. His eyes go wide. What the hell Uncle Jay, did you drug me and kidnap me?!

Uhhhh...no.

Then what the hell happened?! HOW DID I GET HERE?!

Uhhhhh….look, bro thoze are just detailz. What matterz iz that today you become a MAN! Today you become…

Ah jeeze, not this King Shit thing again!

Jayzon pounds his palm into the steering wheel angrily. Look ‘Dre, don’t you dare dizrepect the legacy of King Shit! That title been pazzed down for centuries, dawg! That’z a real long time!

But I don’t want to be the new King Shit! He huffs. I don’t want to be anything shit related at all! I just wanna be a TikTok star!

Negro pleaze! TikTok ain’t even been invented yet. And bezides, that’z zome white people zhit! What next? You gonna put raizins in potato zalad? Play some frizbee golf?! You know there ain’t zupposed to be no raizins in NO TYPE A SALAD! FUCK! Jayzon unloads into Andre, but quickly calms as he spots their destination rolling into view. We here, dawg.

Where’s “here”?

KIng Shit Local Chapter 1048.

And why are we here?

Jayzon looks incredulous. Ain’t you lizten to a word I juzt zaid? He swings the van into a parking spot beside the building. Get yo azz out the van.

Andre sighs, but sees no other recourse but to comply. Gloomily, he opens the door and steps out into the frigid February air. The chill bites immediately. Damn Unc, you couldn’t have at least brought a jacket for me?

That zound like bitch talk, not King Shit talk! Now let’z roll. He points towards the building just ahead.

[Image: eac3b3_cff685e5c7ef40879a761a685276487a~mv2.jpg]

This place looks creepy as hell.

Don’t you bezmirch the good name of Local Chapter 1048! Jayzon impatiently gestures for Andre to hurry up as he hustles up the sprawling staircase leading up to the imposing double doors. Jayzon pulls out a massive key ring and starts to flip through them. And flip through them. And….you know what, this is taking a while.

Uncle Jay it's cold!

Hold on, I almozt got….He drops the keys. Fuck!

Look, maybe it’s already open. Andre pushes himself against the doors and, surprisingly, they yawn open.

Jayzon’s eyes go wide and fervent, like he’s just set his sights on the very Gates of Heaven. He falls to his knees in supplication, throwing his arms in the air in ecstasy. It’z a zign! You meant to be here, ‘Dre!

No, some dumbass just forgot to lock the doors. Andre scoots inside to escape the cold and Jayzon stumbles in after him, closing the door behind them. A long hall unfurls before them, the floor is waxed tiles with a strange color pattern. On either side the walls are host to a series of massive portraits. Andre, shoulders slumped, starts schlepping down the expanse. Why all these pictures here?

Jayzon comes side by side with his nephew, eager to spit some wisdom. Theze are all the King Shits of the pazt! Generationz of great men who went on to do great thingz.

Andre stops and points up at a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. There’s no way he was a King Shit!

Oh, you betta belie’ ‘dat, boy! He chuckles. MLK waz definitely in the club! King waz even in his name, bro! Like...duh!

They continue down the hall, hemmed in by pictures of famous luminaries like Bill Clinton, Prince, Steve Jobs, Barack Obama and….

[Image: SECOND-IMAGE.jpg?itok=356CSh2W]


Whoa! Biggie Smalls was a King Shit?!

Wha...oh, him? That ain’t Biggie. That Jerome Prezcott, he ran Indiana’z biggest chain of porno zhopz. Pretty baller if you azk me.

Oh. Andre looks disappointed, and then he wheels around on his uncle. So what are we supposed to do here?

We ain’t doin’ nothin’. This iz your rite of pazzage. And you gotta overcome two great challengez. Number one is zomethin’ we call The Beazt! And the zecond one is the Grundlekick.

What the hell is a Grundlekick?

You don’t need to worry ‘bout that ‘till you pazz The Beazt.

Andre sighs wearily again. Look Unc’ do we really need to be here? Can’t I just go back to the party?

Oh I guezz. Just go through thiz door it’z a zide exit you can juzt go if you wanna… He points to a door to the left.

Finally! Andre heads right for the door and pulls it open, but looks mystified. Unc’ this ain’t…

Jayzon shoves Andre the rest of the way through and slams the door shut behind him! Andre turns on the door, pounding his fists on the unyielding metal. What the hell Uncle Jay?!

Iz for your own good little man! Now do the damn thing!

Andre starts in on the door knob, but of course it's not that simple. Defeated, he turns towards the strange sight that awaits him: an empty room with the floor covered in a bevy of puzzle pieces. This is so stupid!

Do the puzzlez Andre!

I hate puzzles!

Well you ain't gettin' out 'till you mazter the Beast!

Andre rides the door down to the floor, slumping in defeat. He casually picks up a handful of puzzle pieces and he screws his face up in confusion. Uncle Jay, these pieces all look the same!

That'z right Cuz! In that room they iz 69 different puzzles of nothin' but blue sky!

What?!! Andre turns back towards the door in panic. Let me out!

Do 'dem puzzlez, bitch!

Please!!

DO 'DEM PUZZLEZ!

Andre's agonized screams resound through the halls of the lodge.

Three Days Later…


Andre Dixon's hands tremble as he holds up the final pale blue puzzle piece. His eyes have dark circles burrowed underneath them and they're glazed over from a lack of sleep and the encroaching onset of madness that follows. An insane twitch of a smile creeps onto his face as he looks down at the final empty spot on the final puzzle. I did it. He whispers as he places the final piece. Then, louder and with a touch of lunatic mania, Uncle Jay! I did it! It's done! An unsettling titter of laughter punctuates the declaration.

From the other side of the door, we can hear Jayzon Williamz making sleepy sounds as he rouses. Wha….? Oh….uhhh….you did it?

Yes!

After a few moments we hear a click emanate from the door. It swings open, and Jayzon is there wearing pink onesie pajamas. Well damn.

Andre unsteadily reaches his feet, his quivering body beyond exhaustion. I see it now Uncle. I see how important it is to be King Shit. He waves a hand over the sea of finished puzzles. And all the King Shits of the past were here to guide me in my quest! Speaking to me. Whispering the secrets of Shits past, granting me ages of Shitty insight. The boy's voice is distant and unmoored from reality.

Yeahhhh, that zound crazy as fuck. But you pazzed the test alright!

I'm ready for the Grundlekick, Uncle!

Word. Jayzon reaches for something through the door. It’s a hitherto unseen old school beat box. He hits play on it, and OH SHIT SOMEBODY ‘BOUT TO LOSE A HEAD!



Andre looks confused by the sudden onset of old people music. Meanwhile, Jayzon starts to do some leg stretches. Uhhhh….Uncle Jay?

Hold up! You want me to tear a quad?!

I don’t understand what’s happening.

Jayzon ignores him and starts to do some squats.

‘Unc….?

I zaid hold up! Damn, you impatient!

Queen’s classic continues to play as Jayzon continues to stretch it out, only adding to the surreality of a scene that already includes a sleep deprived teenager in a room full of completed sky puzzles.

Uncle Jay when do I get to be King Shit?

Right now!

Aaaaaaand Jayzon delivers a running kick right to the young man’s grundle!

[Image: Dr-Oz.jpg?itok=bRvL6yZU]

Hi, I’m real fake TV doctor Mehmet Oz. For those of you who are unaware, “grundle” is the slang term for the area between your balls and your asshole. It is also sometimes known as a “taint”, “gooch” or “chode”. Enjoy the rest of your evening!


Andre collapses, clutching his nethers.

YEEAAHHH BOOOOY, NOW YOU A REAL MAN, DAWG!

Confetti bursts from either side of the screen as a crown drops from above and domes Andre on the head, adding insult to injury.

Aaaaaaand scene! A voice calls out from off camera. Corey seems to relax and “Andre” springs to his feet.

The shot pulls back to reveal...holy balls is that Steven Speilberg in the director’s chair?!

[Image: spielberg-in-director-chair.jpg]


Great work everyone, especially you stunt kid.

The boy who played Andre beams. He turns to Corey. Damn you pulled that kick just at the right time!

And that is why they call me a professional. Corey toussles the kid’s hair and starts to walk off set towards Speilberg. Thanks again Steve. I’m sure this’ll get Andre’s dander up.

Anytime Corey. Andre Dixon’s a DEAD BITCH!

Corey’s eyes widen and he reels from this highly uncharacteristic declaration, but he shakes it off quickly and keeps walking towards the camera, peeling the skull cap from his head.

How long’s it been, man? Has it really been three whole months since I Hindenberged your big debut?! My how time flies when you’re having fun. And I HAVE been having fun, Andre. Got to referee a Shove It. Got to stick it to old man Cent again.

Got to win a 24/7 briefcase.


And see, all week I got people asking me, “Hey Corey, why bother challenging Andre Dixon when you can just cash in on him?” And all week I been like “Why waste a briefcase on Jayzon Williamz transparently mediocre familial relation when I can just storm through him like hot shits through a duck’s ass?” And besides, that briefcase is for a much grander purpose.

No disrespect to the television championship mind you. My alter ego Lux made her mark on the XWF with that very title. So to say that it holds a special place in my heart would be an understatement. In fact, it’s one half the reason I issued this challenge. And the other reason?

I just wanna take something else from B.O.B. Because “fuck B.O.B.” Coming off Chris Page’s ego shattering loss of the Universal Championship, an event that I Kreskin’d quite some time ago, it occurs to me that this bloated exercise in brand management still holds gold in the XWF. And Continuum already dropped the ball in relieving Them No Good Bastards of their championships, so I see this as something of a “corrective action”, ya know?

Yes, that’s right. This amounts to something as low and petty as “I don’t want B.O.B. to have nice things.” And I damn sure don’t want YOU to have nice things. And, oh HO, after Saturday, I can guarantee you, you shall be divested of your nice thing. Have I said “nice things” enough?

Nice things.

You know what’s not a nice thing though Andre? The lie being peddaled about how it was the plan all along for you to be in B.O.B. Oh yes, Chris Page would love us to believe that. You would love us to believe that. But I think we all know that’s bullshit. You see, I got a theory Andre. I think that after you waltzed into the XWF, hyped up on baseless affirmations from an uncle who was only good by the craptacular standards of yesteryear, all Big Swingin’ Dick on Campus like you owned the place...only to get get thoroughly murked by some pretty boy that’s half your size in your debut outing, well….I think that rattled you just a bit. And, I mean, it wasn’t even just the match. I made you look real, real dumb in the run up to it. I told you to take your hackneyed toxic masculinity havin’ ass and GO DO A FUCKIN’ PUZZLE! In short, I sweated absolutely none of your hollow swagger and turned your dopey self serious ass into the butt of, if I do say so myself, a pretty damn good joke.

So, yeah. You got shook. Hard. And just like most trumped up bullies after they get got, you steered clear of my lane and surrounded yourself with a group of like minded assholes to regain a semblance of that sense of self importance you came in here with. But there’s one thing you overlooked Andre: the fact that I could drive back into your lane anytime I wanted.

And you didn’t want that. Take all your declaration and protestations to the contrary and just STOP. The entire XWF knows you didn’t want this. The entire XWF knows that the moment I called you out your balls shrank back up into your torso and visions of all that humiliation I heaped on you came roaring back. There’s Andre Dixon. Empty sack and wearing a PTSD flavored thousand yard stare. Yeah...don’t even try to play that card.

In fact, I would take you MORE seriously as a competitor if you acknowledged that trepidation going into this match. At least that would show you have a modicum of insight and self awareness, that your head isn’t just some sucking void of baseless praise from an uncle who couldn’t lace the boots of our current Universal Champion. At least then I would know you’re not a complete fucking idiot.

But you are a complete fucking idiot, aren’t you? You’re the kind of idiot who insisted in your run up to your fight with Morbid that you don’t NEED B.O.B. Then bitch, why did you JOIN them? You such a “crazy down gutter motherfucker” that you had to run straight into the arms of (admittedly) the largest brand in the XWF to put some credit on your name. And it’s because you know what I know, that you aren’t strong enough to get it done on your own.

Now here are some lyrics from one of MY favorite rappers.


“Dance on the dick, now, you been served/ I like a dick with a little bit of curve/ Hit this pussy with an uppercut/ Call that n---a Captain Hook”


Megan Thee Stallion everybody. What did that have to do with the match? Oh, nothing. I just thought that was a humorous paean to female empowerment and curved dicks. Hey Steve can I get Megan Thee Stallion in my next bit?

Steven Spielberg walks up behind Corey.

Hmmm...I don’t know. She’s a pretty busy young woman lately. He points at the camera. Is that still on?

Yep.

Steven walks up and gets face to face with the lens. Andre you bitch ass ! You finna get done in, son! BLAAAAAAAAAT! BACK THE FUCK UP!

Jesus, who ARE you?! Corey looks at Steven incredulously as we end scene.

[Image: CoreySig6A.png?width=270&height=406]
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