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Chris Chaos · (05-26-2021)

"There’s nothing as exciting as a comeback – seeing someone with dreams, watching them fail, and then getting a second chance."

The Mercedes C class hummed along the freeway in its serene glory. The midnight black paint shimmered in the Florida sun and the rims--like two giant quarters--seemed to dance in place, the iconic triangle staring out at the landscape around it, almost laughing at each passing vehicle.

"So what do you think? Much better than that garbage pickup truck you were rolling around in?"

Chris moved his hand along the perfectly stitched leather steering wheel. His cooled seat (yes, this baby had heated AND cooled seats), was keeping him feeling comfortable, as if he was sitting on a cloud.

"I appreciate you coming all the way to Florida, Theo. You could have flown me to you, first class."

"It wasn't a big deal. Having a private jet makes things a lot easier. Plus, I wanted to get a good look at Florida. See if this place is really as ass-backwards as everyone claims."

Theo had brought his car to him. He had got him fitted for a suit at Men's Warehouse. He used the company budget to provide a Movado watch and Bruno Magli shoes. Black, patent leather.

In the center console were Gurkha Royal Courtesan Cigars, some of the highest priced in the world.

"Have you ever heard of 'Florida Man?'

Theo shook his head, looking out the tinted window.

"Type in literally any date.....and it will come up with a whacky news story from Florida. Here, pull out your phone.

Theo does, and hands it to Chaos. With one hand down, he used his fingers to type up "FLORIDA MAN MAY 22nd" on his phone.

The first few headlines read:

"Florida man climbs playground equipment, allegedly yells to children about how babies are born"

He scrolls a little further.

"Florida Man Indicted For Threatening To Spread Coronavirus After Spitting, Coughing On Officers".

Theo shakes his head.

"I think I've heard enough."

The C Class continued to hum. Chris weaved in and out of traffic, accelerating and decelerating. This car was literally Jesus.

"So....this is a big time match, Chris. I hand chose you and I expect you to deliver. I even brought Sil in to ensure it. Anything less than a victory is going to force me to rethink things. Now lets get some coffee, go over strategy."

Chris nodded, pulling off the next exit for Ybor City.

As they pulled into a coffee shop, the two well dressed man took a seat at the out door patio, overlooking the impressive Tampa Downtown.
As Chris pulled in his chair, he swore, somewhere off in the distance he heard a gunshot. He brushed it off like it was nothing, with a simple shrug and a smile to the pretty waitress who came to take their order. Once she walk away, they light up their pricey cigars.

"You know, Theo....this is like a second chance for me. This is a second chance to prove I still got it......a second chance to prove that Chris Chaos is worth all the effort you've put in...."

He takes a puff, blowing out smoke from around the edges.

The waitress comes back with their drinks.

He ashes his cigar as Theo Pryce slides over the latest edition of the XWF Magazine, with a returning Jim Caedus on the cover. Chris smiles and takes another puff, ashing it between his thumb and index finger as he slides it away.

"That's what Vinnie countered with. You're old buddy Jim Caedus. And yet people say I'm a bad dude." Theo huffed.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure that's the guy that yelled "Drivers start your engines!" at the Daytona 500."

"At least the interior is nice. I wonder if that is his house or he is still begging for a warm bed and a home cooked meal after all these years. Maybe its a trade off? Either way, a nice master bedroom. Nothing like mine mind you but nice."

"That's the rape shed, bro. Master bedroom is inside the trailer."

Just then a swarm of ambulances, fire personnel and police raced by. They were moving far too fast in the city limits for it to be anything but a dire emergency.

"They're heading for the bridge....I wonder what is going on?

Theo sipped his coffee with a grin.

More emergency personnel raced by.

Chaos turned to look back at Theo, who still had a shit eating grin on his face.

"They heard Chaos was back in town."

TO BE CONTINUED:

"For years I have been the backbone of this business. Go out there, fight my ass off, and win-loss-or draw Chris Chaos has been in the biggest matches, on the biggest cards, on the biggest shows and in the biggest storylines. For years now Chris Chaos has been the workhorse, and I would be foolish to say that my glory days aren't behind me. At this point, those moments are shrouded in nostalgia. You'd think that after years of breaking down my body and driving myself to the point of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion, that I would have learned my lesson and either hung up the tights or made the necessary changes to stay relevant. But did I?

I think we all know that answer.

I thought I had all the answers. I had the stubbornness of a teenager and the reckless abandon of Evel Knievel, and I wanted to point the finger and blame everyone else. It was all their faults that I didn't have the success I wanted to have. Was I that fucking dense?

I think we all know that answer.

I have Theo Pryce to thank for finally waking me up, and for having support for me when I didn't even have support for myself. He set all of this up, and you all fell for it faster than a fat chick who sat down too fast. Do you really think he would risk his investment, and risk putting away his top money maker for good over an ego-fueled dick waving contest? He had me dead to rights, and he walked away. That should have been Blue's Clue numero uno. Everyone wants to act surprised this is coming when Theo literally handed me this chance months ago while masquerading as my worst enemy who did me a solid because he wanted to see me fall further into the deep end without floaties.

Truth is, he has been grooming me for a while.

Theo Pryce has had me as his secret weapon on his back pocket for some time. You see....Theo has always had faith in me. He just had a funny way of showing it. When I got ranked Top 10 All Time here in XWF, HE was the one that vouched for it. When I was down and out, he was the one with the pep talks and pick me ups. But Theo has always been fair, and honest. There is nobody on this roster he is less obligated to protect than me, and yet through all of the bullshit I put him through, here I am with yet another opportunity and him in my corner.

A good ally to have.

Now with the corporation on my side, and the administration overlooking my success, with my natural born talents and ruthless aggression, who is it that can stop me?

Any of these clowns?

Please."

"Ahh, Jim Caedus. All dressed up for a big fancy night out at the food court, I see. Long time no smell, pahtnah. How ya been? Ahh hell, what do I care how you've been? You're still a pathetic human being trying desperately to identify with the one subculture you think has low enough standards to accept you. You see Jimbo, after all of this time, you haven't changed, you haven't adapted, you haven't transformed. I was excited to see your name on the card until I realized that this wasn't gonna be like the good old days. This wasn't going to be Jim Caedus versus Chris Chaos like we all know and love. I have elevated myself to a level that you've only had wet dreams about being. You are still the same guy that puffs out his pecks and puts a little bass in his voice to mask the fact that you are, have been, and always will be, a sidekick. Yes, I said it. You have been playing second-fiddle to Robert Main your entire career, until his success began to reach 'cataclysmic' proportions, and you did the one thing you've ever really been good at.....you took your ball and you went home. You thrive on attention. You need to be noticed. You need your back patted and your balls coddled, and you need the entire world to give a shit about Jim Caedus. All of the things throughout the years that you have accused me of...hell Jim, you were just projecting your own insecurities and instead of putting the shotgun to your gums you pandered to the lowest common denominator and made and identity by stepping into the ring and--albeit beating--me. We weren't all that different Jim, you just had better back up. I became a master at alienating myself from everyone while you became a master at spreading your cheeks and letting the real superstars on this roster build the pedestal you think you belonged on. You rode the coattails of some of the best in this industry, and the only reason anyone even knows your name.........well....its because of me. Your matches with me. Your nearly flawless win/loss record versus me. The fact that without those matches, you're nothing but APEX's fall guy, the scapegoat when the dominoes inevitably came crashing down. All goes wrong? Blame Jim. He's ego, his temper, his general lack of common sense.....it all came down to you being the fall guy. Robert Main never gave a fuck about you, and why would he? You looked good because I MADE YOU LOOK GOOD, and you kept me away from the Universal Title so Robert didn't have to get his hands dirty. You were the weak link in AX3, and Robert decided to keep the charity case going because he needed ammunition and you were dumb enough to run into battle without asking exactly what it was you were fighting for..........

Why has nobody mentioned that he looks like a trailer park version of Thanos??

Jim, the funny thing about all of this is that you probably think I fear you. You look like a Viking with down syndrome, always have, with nothing to show for all your brute strength. Nothing to show but a gaping asshole with Robert Main's cream-pie inside. This is what "Roll Tide" looks like in 2021 I guess. Jim despite what everyone may think, I actually am excited to have you back. I am excited that Vinnie decided to dig deeeeeeep into that roll-a-dex and give good old Jimmy a call. Why? Well, Jim, its simple......

Are you listening? I know thats hard for you......

It's simple.......the last time we faced off, you lost your cool and I won the match. I got the match you so desperately craved. I got the opportunity you felt was yours because quite frankly.....I get under your skin. I make you lose your cool. I drive you into fits. With me on this roster, you are constantly looking over your shoulder. You are constantly wondering what I am going to do next. It drives you crazy. You had me beat, again, and you just couldn't stand it. You had to go over and above. You had to destroy me. You needed to make sure I could never threaten your manhood again. You remember that match? It was a match where Robert Main hid behind his favorite toy and said I had to get through you to get to him. All you had to do was make sure I didn't get there.....but you FAILED Jim. The simplest of tasks, you failed. Why do you think Main and your relationship turned sour? Because he saw you for what you truly were.........dead weight.

Baggage.

A liability.

A fucking hillbilly nobody. Just another lame duck in the pond.

Despite what you both think about me, neither one of you could successfully take me out. Sure, I left for a bit after my match with Robert, but that was for personal reasons. Why did you leave? Because your tempter got the best of you. You rage-quit because you couldn't play with Robbie and the gang anymore. You felt like everyone was against you. Jim....how the FUCK do you think I feel? For YEARS, I have been public enemy number one. For YEARS I have busted my ass to be the best heel in the business. The man you love to hate.

You got a small taste of the juice and you took off with a tear stained beard.

Why would I be afraid of you?! For the the first time in your career, tis YOU that should fear ME."

"Ladies and Gentleman....After generations of inbreeding, BillyBob has escaped captivity and in to society. Another Waters clan member for me to dismember. Fun times at Cousin Fucker High, eh? R.L, do you remember what I did to your brother? Do you remember staring in horror at the television when I lit his ass on fire and effectively incinerated any semblance of a "career" that he claimed to have? Did you visit him in the hospital? Did you help him change the bandages? Did your family ever get over the screams? I bet not. I bet they haunt your nightmares.

Scratch that.....

I HOPE they haunt you.

I hope you walk through a Walgreens without tearing up when you see the gaws bandage packages. Your entire family is the epitome of failure, with the only thing to be proud about is that there is a lot of you. I have run up, over, and around your entire bloodline, what makes you think I am going to stop now? What makes you think that Chris Chaos is going to go easy, or have pity? I turned your brother into a human pig roast and he never effectively wrestled again. Dolly tried to take me down, and I damn near broke her in half. You've only had some mild success here because you haven't had to face me yet. Your entire family has fallen at my feet, and at Leap of Faith I am going to show the entire world exactly why.

Go ahead, say what you wish. Tear into me. Chris Chaos is arrogant.

Yeah, I know.

Chris Chaos is brash.

Yeah, I know.

Chris Chaos has only once won the big one.

Yeah, I know.

What more there is there to say about me? One good thing about being here so long....you hear the same shit over and over and over. It's stale at this point. And YOU, of all people? At least Jim Caedus has some sort of an excuse. You, R.L.....you've got absolutely nothing on me except for a DNA strand pre-disposed to getting buttfucked by Chris Chaos.

Speaking of Buttfucking......how is Dolly doing? She's legal age now, ain't she? I mean, Jenny is out of the picture.....I like blondes......she needs to work on the acne, though. Would someone please tell her that she's supposed to wipe the grease off the camera lens?!

The idea that you think you have the slightest chance in this match is baffling. I think Oswald has a better chance than you. At least he KNOWS he sucks. You're living in a delusion....his hope will push him forward....your refusal to accept your mediocrity will leave you with nothing but broken bones and an overwhelming feeling of disappointment.

Oswald.....pssht. Here we go. What is this, a charity favor? What has Oswald done to deserve this? Out of all the members of B.O.B, we choose the special kid? You think your beard makes you intimidating? your pubes know that no female is every going to see them so they resort to growing on your chin. Life tip: "suicide survivor" is not something you want to put on your resume.

You really think B.O.B gives a shit about you? They care about your wallet. They care about your ineptitude to not see through the sham, and your inability to realize that the cool kids are only letting the special kid sit at their table because his parents have a pool and they want to use it. You really think that without all of your money to fund their shenanigans that you'd be anything but the dumb friend that they let hang around because the human takes over and they feel bad for you? You're big, dumb and rich. That is all you have going for you. You're the perfect example of why women shouldn't drink when they're pregnant. You're also the perfect example of why women should drink bleach when they're pregnant. I should leave you alone, though. I just don't feel right roasting last years torch bearer for the Texas Special Olympics......

...but then again, when have I ever NOT been a douchebag?

"So....Corey......Engy, Lux, Maddy in drag.......you seem to be a bit confused. Your origin story is a bit.....murky? I have to give you credit, though, you've had some success here, haven't you? You are often looked at as the best of the best, the cream of the crop, a predator with no natural enemies......except for....well.....except for yourself. Every time you get your hands on glory, you turn around and go Caitlyn Jenner on us. You seem to hate yourself, or maybe just have impossibly high standards? A man trapped in a mans body? Or is it a woman trapped inside a little boys body? Or are you still not sure? Your 'history' may be exhilarating and exciting to some, but it is just 2021 in a nutshell. You were ahead of the times, I'll give you that. You identified as something else long before identifying as something else was cool. Bravo for being so brave or something.

Nobody is going to sit here and say with a straight face that you aren't talented. That you aren't a legend. Whatever embodiment you choose to be, nobody will say with any seriousness that when you put your heart into it that you can't win everything there is to win here. But that's the issue, isn't it? The heart. You are running away from yourself because you don't know who you truly are. You hate yourself and therefore, you don't want to be everything you are able to be. You're complex? I'd say so. Complex and tragic. A real tortured soul. Every time you get to the promise land you throw it all away, coming back as a remixed version of the same nihilistic and brooding 'character' you were before.......having to start damn near from scratch and relying on people's nostalgic memories of who they perceived you as to drive you to be handed accolades you may or may not deserve. Engy? One of the best to ever do this, if not the best. Lux? Fascinating and intriguing, sure, but never quite to the level of what the Engineer was.....and now Corey Smith, the host body that harbored all of these personalities is back to using it's real name. Forgive my pronoun, I never know what is acceptable to you people anymore. My point is....that every time you get a fingernail on glory you disappear like a queef in the wind, and come back expecting us to give a shit about what's going on between your ears. You're a coward who is afraid of the level it takes to truly be a superstar, and have taken one of the prime persona's we have ever seen and transformed into a whiny, liberal, boy-loving nobody.

Why?

Because The Engineer failed and instead of picking up the pieces and brushing off the dust, you chose to become......this. And we have a winner! Congratulations on your appointment as dweeb of the week. Seriously not even grandma thinks you're cool. You look like the Ancient One from Dr. Strange got stuck in a dimension where she’s a battered housewife. We're supposed to take you seriously because you "used" to be The Engineer? That's like saying you should take me seriously because I USED to be Universal Champion. I have to come out and earn this every single day, win loss or draw. You expect it to be handed to you because you're not mentally strong enough to earn it yourself and fish for pity and compliments from the same people that 3 of your "personalities" deem below you.

Pathetic and weak.

I am rolling in the Corporate Camp now, but at the end of the day my "changes" were a business decision. Exterior. Creature features. Yours? Well, you haven't made any changes, Corey. You're still the same scared little boy with a severe bi-polar disorder and a vivid imagination. We've seen it all before, but nice wrapping on it.....had us fooled for a second there.

A real knee slapper.

You look like you spend your afternoons debating religion and playing competitive chess. You look like a kid that used to ride my buss back in high school, he spray painted his shoes gold to look fashionable, he also wore his bathing suit to school in winter. I remember when Ska was popular. That was a weird week. Bring edgy Engy back and stop trying to convince all of us you're something you aren't. One wipe of make up remover and you've lost your entire personality."

"Speaking being lost inside their own heads......Demos. Jesus fucking Christ between you and Oswald its like fucking Comic-Con on the Spectrum, and I don't mean the overpriced cable provider. You really think you matter in the grand scheme of things, don't ya? You really think that holding the lowest title on our mainstream belt list really means something to anyone? You really are proud of it, like its a fucking accomplishment. My god, bro. Who HASN'T held the TV title? Now....you sit here with nothing but want to rub in our faces minor achievements at every opportunity and get mad when we roll our eyes.

You know, I used to be just like you. Truly. I used to have an opinion of myself that was far too high. I came into this place like my shit didn't stink. I stood toe-to-toe with Giants and spit right in their fucking faces, telling them they sucked and I was the best in the world. Some people laughed, most people rolled their eyes. The difference between you and me, Demos, is that I BEAT them. I took down big name after big name while blazing my path of fire here. You haven't beaten anyone on this roster with merit higher than 'Head Cashier at Wal-Mart'. You got lucky, ONCE, against Thunder Knuckles and since then....its been one steaming pile of disappointment after another. All that talk, all that bravado, even switching up your gimmick halfway through the week to try to throw the false Queen off guard......and what do you have to show for it now? So go ahead, rub the TV title in my face. Let me just lay this out here nice and clear for you.

You won the TV title and paraded it around like a mother shows off her newborn. I won the TV title because I was BORED. Your biggest accomplishment was my lazy Sunday. Your goal to gather up every title you can get your hands on is a weak and fruitless attempt to pacify the fact that you lack any real skill outside of senseless and way-off-base- shit talk. 'Hey, maybe if I hold more gold, they will respect me!'

'Why don't they like me! I have goooooooooooolllllllllddddddddd!'

We don't like you because you can't back up your dick hole. Sure, I talked shit, I told the biggest, baddest and best in this business that they sucked monkey dick compared to me....but I BEAT them.

So here you are in yet another match well over your head, against competition that far exceeds your skill level. Here you are with a chance--albeit slim--to grab hold of a briefcase that you can use anytime you want, on any title you wish. Do you really think you are ready for an opportunity of this magnitude? Because I know that briefcase will go straight to your head and you will try to cash in on either Main or Page......and based on your track record you'd be the one to LOSE a cash-in match. Judging by the size of those arms & moobs he's a part-time bouncer and stripper. You are the easiest person to spot at the gay bar...You are the only one wearing a lobster bib. You're probably the biggest (literally) joke in this match and I don't even know one of them. The other is my tag partner and Corporate Chaos member so......he gets a pass. You don't. Fuck you."

"And then there is Dock. What can I say about Dock other than I respect the hell out of him. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for Dock. I wouldn't have the opportunity to be in this match if he didn't sleep on me all those years ago. If he didn't treat me like some rookie new comer. If I didn't want it more than I wanted to eat, sleep and breathe. And now, here we are, nearly 5 years later, and both of us have went down our own paths. You've been on a path of sheer and total dominance. Teaching the wrestling world a master class in how to be that much better. You know, I have always admired that. As good as I have been, I have always wanted to be as good as the Doctor. I have always wanted to be part of the same sentence you're mentioned in.

Then Theo Pryce got ahold of me, and despite him being a KING with you, he showed me that the Doctor isn't so far away from the Chaos after all. You see, Doc, you have been so good for so long, you have forgotten how not being the best feels. That fateful day in 2016, you weren't the best, just once........and this fateful day in 2021, the chaotic underdog proves once again that just because you have KING next to your name....your empire is not impenetrable. No longer do I live my life and career as someone who wants to be Doc, but from this point forward I am the one who gave the Doctor his fatal dose of medication."

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