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Centurion · (04-28-2021)

(We open up inside a fancy restaurant. There, seated at a table, is Ruby and Centurion. Centurion is wearing a high priced suit, and Ruby, seated across from him, is wearing a banana yellow dress, as well as her green Ruby mask. Centurion has his head down, looking rather melancholy.)

Ruby: You seem rather down. What’s the matter?

Centurion: I don’t know. I just don’t feel...wanted, you know? Almost like...I’m someone’s second choice.

Ruby: You mean, you feel like you’re only involved in something because someone else refused to didn’t want to do it?

Centurion: Exactly! I can’t stop thinking about how you and I are not Robbie and TK’s real chosen opponents. That there were two others that they would rather face, but every time a match is pitched, Robbie and TK decide to back out because it’s not on “their terms”. I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking things.

(At that time, a wine waiter approaches the table. He is a younger man, incredibly handsome, and looks like someone who could easily hold wrestling championships or star in comedies. He holds a bottle of wine in front of the couple and shows it off.)

James Ravewaiter: Bottle of red?

Centurion: Absolutely. Hey, young man, I have a question for you. There are these two guys that we’re going to be competing against. They consider themselves to be the best tag team in the world. They ACTUALLY want to fight two of my friends...well, one of them is my friend, and the other guy is my sworn blood enemy...and constantly call these two out on social media platforms, but every time my friend accepts, these two back out because they don’t want to travel outside their comfort zone. So, instead, they are facing us. How would you feel?

(James Ravewaiter pours the wine into the glasses of Centurion and Ruby before putting the cork back on the bottle. He thinks for a second before looking at Centurion and speaking.)

James Ravewaiter: Well, first of all, I wouldn’t blame those two for wanting to compete against your friend, especially if your friend is younger, more handsome, and is more accomplished than you are.

Centurion: Well, I didn’t say th...

James Ravewaiter: But it also sounds to me like these competitors you're facing against are scared. They appear to be the kind of folks who do something they call “clout chasing” - calling out far better, more talented, and absolutely more popular talent in an effort to increase their visibility, only to back down if conditions aren’t “perfect”.

Centurion: Yeah. I mean, what would you think if you were in this scenario? They want a fight, and the people they wish to fight against have accepted the challenge, but the only stipulation was that they didn’t want to fight in one particular location. Everything else was fair game. But that apparently wasn’t good enough, and now, instead of going to anywhere else to fight, these folks have decided to just take their pot shots at the folks they truly want to fight, knowing full well there will be no repercussions for it.

James Ravewaiter: I can’t imagine being put into that spot. Then again, I always assume anyone dumb enough to make idle threats on a social media platform is nothing more than a self-doubting pussy...

(Ruby’s eyes grow wide as she glances over at James Ravewaiter. Centurion puts his hand up and waves to her.)

Centurion: It’s a...technical term. He’s using it in the medical sense.

James Ravewaiter: I don’t think a wrestler on Twitter yelling about how someone should “come and get them” is any different than some kid on Call of Duty losing a match and screaming “come to my house and fight me!” It’s the same, cowardly behavior. Anyway, enjoy your meal.

(The waiter, who absolutely definitely is not James Raven, walks away from the table. Centurion and Ruby both take a sip of their wine before Ruby speaks.)

Ruby: I wouldn’t worry too much about it. We knew Robbie and Thunder didn’t think too highly of us. That’s probably why they agreed to the match. An “easy defense”, so to speak.

Centurion: No, I get that. I’m ok with being disrespected. It happens all the time. I was just hoping for more...something, you know? More fire, maybe? This is a money match. People will be spending cash in order to watch Centrubion take on Them No Good Bas...

Ruby: (interrupting) BEEP!

Centurion: ...ds for the tag team titles, and it should be hyped like it’s a big time match. Instead, all we get are tweets about legends who have left the federation, and promos that sound like Eric Andre on codeine and fentanyl.

Ruby: I know, but we’re doing the best we can. What else can we do, really? It’s not like we’re going to call one of our opponents old and outdated while spoofing a television show that ended 54 years ago. That would be silly.

Centurion: Silly, indeed. And boring, as well – and trust me, I know a thing or two about being boring. Luckily, no one would EVER be dumb enough to do that, ESPECIALLY over the course of a two weeks period. After that amount of time, eventually the audience is going to say “alright, I get it, move on now.” That would be almost as silly as having a 15 part origin story.

Ruby: Oh, I don’t know about that. Spiderman had three movies that dealt with his origin story.

Centurion: Yeah, but they were all...terrible.

Ruby: *gasp* HOW DARE YOU?!

Centurion: I’m sorry, but how many “I got bit by a spider and my uncle died” stories can a person watch? It’s like every time they have a Batman movie and they have to bring up the fact that his parents died. Yes, I know it’s important to the story, but eventually you have to move on.

Ruby: (scoffs) I just think you’re not a fan of fine literary and cinematic culture.

(As she says this, a new waiter comes into frame, rolling in a cart with some appetizers on them. The waiter has a short, white haircut, looks to be from the 8 Mile section of Detroit, and has definitely seen his fair share of fights. He sets two plates down on the table as Centurion speaks to him.)

Centurion: You, kind sir, let me get your opinion on this. If one person or a group of people issues a challenge, and another person or group of people accept, but have some stipulations they wish to put in place, who is in the right? Should the people issuing the challenge have complete say in what goes down, or do the people who are being challenged have the right to say they won’t go back to a place where they already dominated?

(The waiter looks at Centurion for a second, expressionless, before answering.)

Shawn Warstwaiter: Go fuck yourself.

(The waiter, who almost certainly isn’t Shawn Warstein because he’s gone from the XWF and apparently you can only appear in videos for a company if you wrestle there, wheels the cart away as Centurion just sort of blinks and looks back at Ruby.)

Centurion: ...Paid him a thousand dollars to do that.

Ruby: You should have sent him a script.

Centurion: I did. It was rather lengthy, too. Strangely enough, he received my check, but somehow the script got “lost in the mail.”

Ruby: The mail service has been acting up lately.

Centurion: I emailed it to him.

Ruby: Oh, well, the...email? Service? Has been acting up lately?

Centurion: I’m pretty sure I was left on “read”. Hey, can you do me a favor?

(Centurion reaches down onto the floor and brings up a pair of headphones. He pulls his phone out from his jacket pocket and plugs the headphones into it.)

Centurion: Can you listen to something for me? It’s a podcast. I’d like to get your opinion on it.

Ruby: Right now?

Centurion: Yeah. I have something else I have to do anyway. When I get back, we can go to a real restaurant and eat some real food.

(Centurion hands the phone and the headphones over to Ruby. She slips the headphones on and looks down at the phone before looking back up and giving a smile.)

Centurion: Hear anything?

(Ruby doesn’t respond – instead, she just continues to smile as she listens to whatever is on the phone. Centurion gestures to the camera in the room, and stands up from the table. The camera follows Centurion as he leans against a wall and speaks into the camera.)

Centurion: Alright, listen up, fuckers.

There are a lot of things I expected from Them No Good Bastards when I heard this match had been signed. I expected there to be jokes about my age and my position in the company. Hell, I expect that from every match, and thus far, I have not been disappointed. I expected there to be jokes about Ruby’s looks – she's a woman in professional wrestling. Of course people are going to comment on her looks. And I expected the good, old fashioned “you’re not good, we are good, blah blah blah” routine that all wrestlers in their position tend to use.

What I DIDN’T expect is just how unimpressed I would be by some of the so called “best trash talkers in the business”.

It’s fine, boys. I get it. You don’t believe the shit that’s coming out of your mouth, but you know you HAVE to say it. You’re given an outline, a couple of bullet points about your opponents, and told to dance in front of the camera in order to make Chris Page and Miss Fury giggle.

“Oh, but we don’t answer to them. We are our own boss!” Yeah, sure. I believe that. I fully believe that Chris Page, the man whose ego is the size of the Sahara, the man who created stables just so he could destroy them, and the man who made himself the star of the show of a company he owned, doesn’t demand utmost loyalty. OBVIOUSLY, someone like that sees Robbie Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles as “equals”, and not just expendable pawns that he can throw at his problems. Yeah, after 21 years in the business, Chris Page FINALLY turned over a new leaf. And Miss Fury? A woman who has defined her entire career based on the people she has stabbed in the back? No, she sees you two as “friends”, clearly.

Obviously, that was all some bullshit fed to you by the folks who run your little organization. It HAS to be, because even for a couple of guys with rocks for brains, I still can’t accept that you would be THAT fucking stupid. There is no way you two go to bed at night thinking “Chris Page and Miss Fury really respect me.” Then again, you two are also dumb enough to believe that we “needed” you in any capacity, so perhaps you are that incapable of thought.

Please, like I need anything from you fuckers. You don’t understand, I don’t NEED to be here. That Hall of Legends? My name is enshrined in there, no matter what happens from this point on. My record for most victories? Neither of you will live long enough to come CLOSE to touching it. I don’t NEED a title match, and neither does Ruby. We WANT one, for two reasons: 1) to allow us to grow together as a team and as a couple, and 2) to shut your asses up once and for all.

“But Cent, you lost your title shot, and now you’re a midcarder!” I'm sorry, I guess I should be fighting for the Universal Title every week, just like Robbie and TK, right? Clearly that’s what THEY’RE doing, since they have decided to talk shit about my spot on the card. I guess I missed all those blow away title matches that Robbie and TK have been in lately. Wait, is Robbie Bourbon one of Charlie Nickles’ personalities? THAT’S what I’m getting wrong.

“You lost your shot and you gave up! Robbie Bourbon never gave up when he lost his Hart Title shot!” That’s right, which is why he was SO AMAZING in the 2020 War Games Tournament. You know, that tournament where he BEGGED me to be a number one pick, only for him to decide he couldn’t fucking hack it and quit before the match even started? Yes, the epitome of “working hard and coming back” right there. Winning the Hart Title off a universally accepted as unworthy Nathaniel Idenhaus and losing the belt a month later? Oh, putting in so much work there, folks. Yeah, Robbie Bourbon is sure showing me how wrong I am about him by phoning it in almost every week.

Honestly, you two are pathetic. You’re nothing more than a slapstick routine that can put on a halfway decent match if it’s a week where you decide you actually want to try. Oh, you beat the “unbeatable” Continuium? Congratulations! OBVIOUSLY Ruby and I wouldn’t have been able to beat them...I mean, we didn’t try, so we have no idea how we would have faired, but since you emphatically stated as such, it must be true. Just like you CLEARLY would have beaten Chris Page and Robert Main if you had your opportunity against them...again, you never did, but you are confident that you WOULD, and that’s all that matters, right?

But let’s forget about the fact that you two think you’re the greatest tag team to ever walk to earth without any evidence to prove it. Set that aside. There’s one very specific thing the two of you discussed over and over again – almost to the point of an obsession – so let’s talk about it.

Our sex life.

Quite honestly, getting blasted by the two of you for me being “old” or Ruby being “flat chested” is hilarious coming from you ugly mother fuckers. Thunder Knuckles looks like he hasn’t taken a shower in six months, and Robbie Bourbon hasn’t seen his own dick since high school. Yeah, I’m sure the two of you are DROWNING in pussy right now. When I think of the ultimate “man’s man” - the folks that drive all the ladies wild - I think of a fat fuck with a mask and a shaggy haired mother fucker whose goatee makes it look like he got his face stuck in an ashtray.

You talk shit on me when, deep down, you envy me. You won’t look nearly as good as I do at 44. You won’t even be wrestling at 44. Hell, I’d be surprised if either of you are ALIVE at 44. And you can make all the “blue pill” jokes you want, but I’m not the one sitting at home on a Friday night watching Family Guy compilation videos and beating off into a sock.

Oh, and one more thing. You want to keep pointing out my “hypocrisy” because of some of the bad things I’ve done? Don’t bother. I know I’m not that good of a person. I try my best, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve fucked up in more ways than you can imagine. You think pointing out what I did to EDWARD is somehow going to cause me some sort of self-reflection? Please, EDWARD was lucky it was his hand and not his fucking head. I don’t take shit anymore. I’ve lived in this world long enough to know that you can’t great assholes with a smile and a hug. Ruby hasn’t learned that yet. She still has faith in humanity. Me? I think half of you mother fuckers need to be buried. I think there is a whole subset of people who are completely irredeemable. Rapists. Bigots. Clout chasing wrestlers. You can all go into the bin.

Now go back and cry to your puppet masters. Let them know just how scared you are of losing your titles. Then, after they slap you around a bit and make you call them “daddy”, I want you to march down that aisle with those titles around your waists. Then I want you to gaze into your own reflection on the gold, because it will be the last fucking time you get to see it. Ruby and I WILL be walking out of MayDay with the XWF Tag Team Championships. Start writing out your fucking excuses.

(Centurion walks away from the camera and back over to the table. He taps Ruby on the shoulder, who looks up as Centurion before taking the headphones off and the camera fades to black.)

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