Job Guy is sitting on his futon, wearing all denim as usual. Are his feet on the couch? Yep. Are his shoes on? Yep. Are there Flaming Hot Cheetos bags on the coffee table? You know it. Job is mashing the button on his wired knock-off brand controller for his Xbox 360.

"Oh hey. Guess who just achieved a total 100% completion on Elder Scrolls Oblivion? Yup. This guy right here."

Job drops the controller and points at himself with both thumbs. He then stuffs his hand into a Cheetos bag and crams some snacks into his mouth.

"So... Christian Morphine? Lame. I already told all my buds on 8chan about what a cuck this guy is. You should see the awesome Pepe meme I made about him, it was hilarious, got a ton of reshares. Have you seen the guy? He looks like Robert Smith from the Cure, but after some sort of court ordered chemical castration. Has anyone checked to see if this arena is within a mile of a public school? Does Christian need to update his address with any online registries before he travels to Colorado for Anarchy?"

Job grabs a nearby two liter of Mountain Dew Baja Blast that looks pretty warm and flat. He holds an index finger up and chugs for a few seconds before speaking again.

"Good to go for another all nighter. That's me. I do speed runs on Mass Effect and Assassin's Creed II overnight so the stupid sunlight doesn't distract me. No stopping until my scheduled 5 am jerk off session on Alinity's Twitch stream. That chick is hot. I'm gonna touch her boobs someday, probably at the next Con. Guess who doesn't touch boobs? Christian Morphine. I mean I haven't yet either but I will. Just a matter of time. I had a girlfriend on Xbox Live for like three years so I had to stay celibate until we met, but like, she kept missing flights from her place in New Zealand every time I convinced my mom to send her ticket money. It was unfortunate. Then she disappeared. I assume she was killed by a cassowary or something. Bet Christian Morphine has never had a girlfriend who looked exactly like Kate Upton before. He's not cool like me."

More Dew gets chugged. Job lets out a huge burp.

"I'm gonna beat this guy up and embarrass him in front of the world. Then maybe my new online girlfriend will send me a topless pic. She knows about my plans with Alinity but she's cool with it as long as I buy her a Con ticket too and fly her over from Morocco. We're poly."

Fade.