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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » March Madness 2021 PPV Board
THE CURE FOR CANCER!
Author Message
Thunder Knuckles™ Offline
A No Good Bastard



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
03-27-2021, 08:34 PM




The stories of our lives unfold, overdramatically, in every which way.


THE CURE FOR CANCER!


Still aboard The Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, Tadd’s pirate ship with thrusters attached so it can fly into space if need be. In the exact moment, we left off where Big P looks at Hoggart dramatically. Hoggart looks at Tadd dramatically. Tadd looks at Hoggart, then Big P, then Hoggart dramatically. Leena approaches and puts her hand around Tadd's waist. Since the boat has been moving, now some 199 nautical miles away, on the island, the same dude is looking off dramatically.


Everything’s going to be okay Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart.


I hope so.

You may, or may not be aware, but we’ve come pretty close to the cure for cancer. With ME, Dr. Tadd Poop Esquire, at the helm of research.


The way Tadd says this all matter of factly, turns Leena on. You can tell by the way she's panting like a dog. Tadd looks lovingly into the eyes of his werewolf, lover, stepmother, and mother of his werewolf son and says.


Don’t worry Leena we will cure Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart, for Big P’s sake. Big P we have to get back to land!


Big P gets up and walks to the bridge of the ship and begins to navigate back to the land which at this point is only 201 nautical miles away. With this and his knowledge of the law and rocket science. Big P turns the thrusters on the Arantxa Sanchez Vicario long enough to rocket them just off the coast of California.


Well, that was convenient.

I knew thrusters on a pirate ship would come in handy.


Big P warmly smiles a Tadd.


You know, everyone thought you were crazy. They all said the ship would fall apart, but no it held up, and here we are in no time, whatsoever! You were right!

I know.

Now what?

Now we have to get Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart back to my lab. You get him off the ship and head over me and Leena will head that way.


Big P walks in and gathers Hoggart’s clone and their things and heads over to Tadd’s research facility. Tadd does the same thing except he’s trying to gather up Leena. Leena, who’s been panting since Tadd made that super sexy speech. Where he sounded confident and without worry. Nothing turns a woman on like a confident man. She pounces soft low key romantic music plays, heavy breathing, groping, and the sounds of spit being transferred from mouth to mouth can be heard. Random things are being knocked over. The camera pans away as they begin to dry hump. Very very classy stuff. The camera once panned away from some tender Tadd and Leena loving it fades to Big P and Hoggart who have arrived at the research facility.


Do you think this is going to hurt?


I don’t know. I sure hope not for your sake.


The clone of Hoggart looks sad at the thought this might hurt. About 2 hours pass. It takes one hour and fifty-five minutes from the marina to the research facility. Finally, Tadd and Leena make it to the facility.


Hey, Tadd-

Dr. Tadd.


Tadd intensely looks at Hoggart's clone.


Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart, I didn’t go through 8 years of medical school to be called less by someone who wasn't even born.


Big P looks sad because he is reminded once again that, this Hoggart, isn’t his long-lost brother.


It’s alright Big P. We’re only going to take more samples of his blood again.


A familiar ping sound could be heard. Leena looks down at her phone and begins to message back whoever is on the other end.


Who’s that sweetheart?

It’s Petunia.

Oh, good dear, have a good time talk about… Uhm… Female stuff.



Tadd extracts some more of the clone of Hoggart’s blood. After getting his sample he whisks it away into his lab.


If only WereCure didn't take off! We were so close to a cure for cancer!


Dr. Tadd begins to think when suddenly hit with a stroke of genius. He takes the clone of Hoggart’s blood sample and puts it in a petri dish and mixes some of WereCure into it. The cancer is spreading at a rapid rate. Faster than anything Tadd has ever seen. Tadd yells out.


I'VE DONE IT!!!! I'VE FOUND THE CURE FOR CANCER!


Tadd begins to run into the room scream the same thing he’s been screaming all the way down the hallways like a mad man.


I'VE DONE IT GUYS! I'VE DONE IT!


Everyone pauses in silence waiting dramatically for Tad to tell them what he’s done. The theme music is playing. When your regularly scheduled program is interrupted by a commercial break.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man in a cowboy hat, red flannel, khaki pants with giant belt buckle, and aviator sunglasses is shown on your screen.


Crazy Fawker here from Crazy Fawker's Used Auto! Where we’re kicking the competition in the fucking nuts. They want four grand for a car.


Crazy Fawker walks up and kicks a guy in the nuts.


Hell, No! Two grand tops! We got Chevys. We've got Fords. Hell, ask for my wife, she’ll probably be cooking some beans! What’s that you say, They don’t have all the bells and whistles?



Crazy Fawker walks up and kicks an old lady in the box.


We don’t discriminate against women either, we'll get you the bells and the whistles! So come on down to Crazy Fawker’s Used Auto's car lot and find yourself a ball baster of a deal guaranteed!



The commercial fades back to dramatic events you left off with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The theme music is playing. Everyone still paused in silence waiting dramatically for Tad to tell them what he’s done. Finally, the silence has been broken.


I HAVE THE CURE FOR CANCER!


The clone of Hoggart seems pleased.


Does that mean I can be cured today?


It sure does my friend!

Are you for real Tadd? This is great news! I can't wait for you to tell everyone.


Tadd looks down away from Big P’s eyes dramatically. Big P senses the over dramatics and looks down, himself.


I can’t make it public.


Tadd says low enough that only Big P could hear him. Likewise, Big P responds in the same fashion.


Why not?

Well, if I do that WereCure won't sell and I won't be rich anymore. You see, the cure for cancer is to become a Lycan. All we have to do is let Leena bite Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart, and he’ll be cured.


Tadd looks up with a smile acting like that conversation never took place. He notices Leena out of the corner of his eye still texting away on her phone talking to Petunia. Tadd begins to speak.


Okay, so, Leena, baby. Would you be so kind as to bite Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart?

WHAT!

Calm down. The cure for cancer has been under my nose this entire time. I created the cure for Lycanthropy I ran Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart’s blood with my cure WereCure and the cancer cells sped up so with my doctorate in medicine and science I believe that Lycanthropy is the cure for cancer and I’ll need your help to prove it.


Tadd looks at Hoggart’s clone awaiting an answer. There's a long and epically dramatic staredown with Tadd's hopeful eyes, and Hoggart's clone's eyes looking worried and terrified. Finally, Hoggart’s clone speaks.


I trust you, Tadd.


Tadd turns his attention to his stepmother, lover, and mother of his werewolf child and asks of her a simple request.


Leena, will you please bite Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart to save his life, and cure him of his cancer?



Leena is so turned on right now. She starts to rush in on Tadd but he blocks her.


This is serious, Leena. I need you, No, we all need you to bite Hoggart, the clone of Hoggart.



Leena has a hard time controlling her animal instincts but agrees.


Anything for you, darling.


He walks over to Hoggart's clone and takes a bite of his arm. Her teeth sink into his muscle and before her animal instincts take it any farther. Her jaw lets go of its grasp from Hoggart’s clone's arm. She wipes the blood from her mouth.


Honey, I’ve been meaning to tell you at any moment Petunia is going to be here.


What? At the lab? Why?



As soon a Tadd asks that question a dark and mysterious laugh could be heard from outside the door. The door, itself, after the laughter ends, is kicked open, and in walked two ninja cyborgs. Tadd and Big P immediately spring into action. Big P gives ninja cyborg number one a spinning back fist that cracks its head around one full time before its body hits the floor as Tadd Irish whips the second toward Big P. Once the ninja cyborg is close enough Big P lifts him vertically and out of nowhere Tadd launches himself airborne off a research table. Tadd, in the air, grabs the ninja cyborg's right foot and plants it onto the floor as Big P lands a vertical suplex.


RAINBOW LASER DEATH SEQUENCE!



The ninja cyborg’s destroyed in walks….





















HOGGART!

Yes, brother! It is I, your long-lost brother, Hoggart!

You're supposed to be dead!

I’ve been pretending to be Petunia online this whole time! Trying to get all of Leena’s werewolf secrets because of that now I know that Lycanthrope is the cure for cancer!



Everyone pauses dramatically. Somewhere on the island the same man who knew to dramatically pause. He can be seen dramatically paused, yet again, but this time he was mid-bite of soup.


I’ll be back for Leena and next time I’ll bring more than two ninja cyborgs!


Hoggart slowly walks toward the stunned people. Grabs Leena by her arm and calmly walks over to the door. She doesn't resist. Noone has still moved an inch as the real Hoggart, the man who played a woman on the internet, to gain information on Lycanthropy, walks calmly out the door with Leena. He makes it all the way down to the lobby before Hoggart's clone springs into action. With an incredible speed that can only be matched by Sarah Lackin out swimming a helicopter Hoggart's clone catches up with them and he punches the real Hoggart which releases his grasp of Leena's arm, knocking him out cold. Hoggart's clone then grabs Leena and they make their escape. Leena is running back to the lobby of the research facility Hoggart's clone looks back at the real Hoggart but this turns out to be a mistake because he's still in the middle of the road. Tadd and Big P are now down in the lobby with enough time to see Hoggart's clone get hit by a Coor's light truck. Instantly killing Hoggart's clone. Big P rushes out to the body of Hoggart's clone. The real Hoggart gets up, and runs off, making his escape from justice. Big P drops to his knees and shakes his fist in the air. As Big P looks up at the sky a crane shot begins to happen as Big P yells out.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!


[PAUSE]


**PREACH**






Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon are again caught on the set of their new film . Thunder Knuckles notices XWF cameras and immediately starts talking wasting no time. Unlike his opponents at March Madness who've said a whole lot of nothing since the begining.


Cuntinuum, look guys, you've done fucking well for yourselves, no shit. Both of you guys have done well for yourselves because you got a lot of fucking guys in XWF fooled. But you have two mother fucking bastards, standing right here, that aren't fucking fooled. Okay, I know, NO, WE know, there isn’t a fucking ounce of blood in your body we won't be willing to leave out on that canvas. We’re going to do un-fucking-speakable things to you two inside of that goddamn ring. This isn’t a fucking stand-up comedy show, It’s not a rom-com, it’s not a damn movie set. The goddamn marquee says professional rassling and if you want to find out where you actually stand in this fucking division, you come to March Madness, and you step into the fucking ring with my partner, Bobby mother fucking Bourbon, and my fucking self. You ask for the absolute best tag team in the world, Them No Good Bastards. Then you find out just how far from those gold belts you truly fucking are.



Thunder Knuckles smiles knowing he and Bobby Bourbon has not only eliminated the competition but they've made these non-ranked amateurs their bitches.


March 28th, is going to be the last day you see Continuum ranked. They were too fucking sure of themselves to take the basic goddamn precautions to remain that way. That’s the fucking truth. When they start to bitch, or start to play their same tired song and goddamn dance, just look at them and say: “Well, Thunder Knuckles warned you. Bobby Bourbon warned you. Them No Good Bastards fucking warned you.” It’ll sure turn at least one of them inside out. The other will go on to have a successful singles career. While the other plasters themselves all over the airwaves with nothing to say to try to remain relevant. That’s why a guy like Duke needs a guy like Paul Heyman. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says. At least Paul's villainy makes sense.


Thunder Knuckles gives a half-hearted, but better than what he did for Corey in a previously recorded promo, jerking-off hand gesture.


Like Ol' Thunder Knuckles said earlier you have a lot of mother fucker fool. Then again, a lot of mother fuckers in the back are coming out and saying Them No Good Bastards are going off script, boys. What they're saying is Cuntinuum is on the ropes. We already fucking knew. They can't keep up with this kind of savage pressure.



Thunder KNuckles looks into the camera to address the boys directly.


You fuckers are used to people getting intimated but we're not going to be bullied. Ha! By these two little shit stains, that can't even grow fucking facial hair? Shut the fuck up. We fucking knew you were back-peddling from the time Corey posted his second Recorded Promo to XWF's video database with Duke in it. Then it was one hundred percent confirmed when Thad dropped his Recorded Promo. You little bitches are going to serve as a fucking warning. No matter who comes, what they bring, we're going to kill them all.



Thunder Knuckles isn't stepping off the gas now.


Corey's bringing his best Morbid Angel defense but what he doesn't fucking realized because the kid is fucking as dense as a fucking brick. Ol' Thunder Knuckles learns something every time he comes out. With that said, Corey picture this, ya sparkling fuck, If Cuntinuum was the goddamn Golden Girls. Doc would be Sophia, Duke would be Blanch because he’s a slut, that only leaves two and you’re no fucking Dorthy. Make no mistake Corey who's arm was a millisecond from pinning you. So you're little shit trying to say Bobby would have gotten the pin. You're as full of shit as you were at Snow JOb. You should have considered permanent retirement mother fucker because now you're only hurting whatever chance of being remembered for anything more than a vessel of better competitors.


Thunder Knuckles tags in Bobby Bourbon because he left a bowl of lukewarm Continuum out for Bobby to munch on.


Well, well, well, looks like I gotta chew up even more airtime giving Continuum some sense of relevance in the universe, so here goes.


Thunder Knuckles smiles knowing Bobby's about to smack some bitches.


Thad and Corey are Target employee white bois.

Thad and Corey were originally going to call themselves Cardigan, Sweater, and Hoodie along with Doc but realized that made a dumber t-shirt than something Mastermind would make.

Speaking of fucking T-shirts, Bobby. XWF fans around the world can pick up their very own TNGB stain-proof T-Shirt! Only on the fucking XSHOP, baby!


[Image: OUrWO8g.png]



For a reasonable TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED XBUX!


Thad and Corey share bunk beds. Doc has the top bunk.

They're totally spooning.

Thad and Corey coordinate their sock wardrobe together.

Weird but whatever.


Bobby takes his right hand and makes it look like it's talking during the blah-blahs.


Blah, blah, blah, can't really say much else about Thad and Corey. Not much to talk about when it comes to Continuum.

Thunder Knuckles smirks and gives a quick jerking-off hand gesture because he knows Bobby just splooged all over Continuum.


I mean, sure, I've been railing against Thad and Corey so hard they've gotten cases of the cripple-tongue, but them as a team, what can anyone accurately say? They've held the titles for a while, were a freak attraction with D'Ville and Corey that rode on the coattails of Thad's champion reign as a means to try to keep the big mean Bourbon man away, so instead, I targeted the men you HID behind, Thad.

Not like they fucking had anything to fucking say anyway. We've dictated every goddamn thing they've done, so far. You're talking to two bastards with golden tounges and a knack for fucking up weak upper lipped, mother fuckers.These two are no fucking different


Hiya Corey, don't know why anyone would hide behind you. I would stand right in front of you in a game of Marco Polo and dare you to touch me. Shit, you gave me hell in the past but today you're fucking less Rubic's Cube, more Play-Doh. Sure, kinda fun in the start, but you kind of mold yourself into something stupid and dry up and are left just a vibrant cyan turd. Acting like there isn't shit to say about you, and that's why it's unsaid yet? You silly goose, this is act five, you're still a bit behind me last I checked.

Because Duke thinks hiding is a better option. For fucks sake, Bobby, the last time he held a title. He stunk up the joint so bad someone smoking a joint took him out. He can talk about Page all he wants but like I said before he won't do himself any goddamn favors. It's his time to waste. I get it though, it's the only thing the dumb mother fucker has material on. Let's face it. I feel bad for him.


Thunder Knuckles laughs and gives the middle finger.



Just kidding, mother fucker. I don't feel bad one fucking bit. My bad big guy. Have at it.



Thunder Knuckles takes his hand and motions for Bobby to continue because he's been interrupting.


Heh, in terms of appearances and being on TV. For this match. Otherwise, blowing you out of the water. See, this is like a massive naval battle, and Thad brought out all his G.I. Joes, and I know you don't want to play with his army men with him but give it a thought, but you and his G.I. Joes go out in your big boats to the ocean. You cruise right in when wha-BAM!


Bobby claps his hands together making a thunderous clapping sound.


A torpedo just sinks a boat! Then another ship goes down! You're eating torpedoes like sitting ducks, and by the time you finally tracked the submarine in the seas, the U.S.S. Bastardly has already sent its final payload, the big one, the mother of all bombs, the crucible which will end your tag team championship run, and Thad's fleet of war vessels in one fell swoop. The Rainbow Laser Death Sequence!

And yes, I will hype the move.


Bobby winks into the camera just like Thunder Knuckles. Their characteristics are blending forming the ultimate tag team.


Give us a dissertation on it.

Corey is not what he used to be, and that is a fact. Is he a changed man, a better person, I don't know, I only speak for his ability to basically face off against newcomers on Savage and avoid really growing that singles career of his. Dude, seriously, the money match is against your own teammate, don't be foolish.

That's basically the only fucking option Thad's going to have left after March Madness. I mean, he could just commit to the jobber life, I guess.


Thunder Knuckles shrugs exactly .001 second longer than Warstien would so he's not sued by L.I.E.


Not Thad. But, hey, you're afraid of the Big Bad Doc so much you squatted under his umbrella so he could cast all the shade he wanted on you while you waited to ride another name to prominence. Not Lux, not Engy, but this time Louis D'Ville.

Tsk tsk, Corey. That's the lazy route.

Let's fucking face. That's the only Corey who's been here since returning. Non-note-taking mother fucker. Spitting the same tired shit he would say last year. Nothing fucking new, not evolving, I know it's not easy to stay with the times.

I could have nestled up under Doc's scaly wing long ago.

You didn't need to, Bobby. That's why you're ranked seventh all-time while neither of these basic, bland-ass, mother fucker's aren't even fucking ranked. They need Doc's wing, they need a fucking Alias because they can't get the fucking job done anymore, not by themselves, fuck no. I'm sure they'll bring up DDS again but like we said. We ain't fucking DDS. We got more fucking bite.


Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon give a no-look fist bump that they are slowly making famous.


And what a ride it's been. Now though, the ride ends. You've had your journey, you've taken those Tag Team Champion belts as far as you can, and hey, you really had a stretch with them, four whole months is nothing to sneeze at, and in a month or two when you're facing some fucking throwback who hasn't wrestled in the XWF in over a decade you can even tell them about how you were tag team champion in one of your promos! Y'know, really get under their skin and psyche them out.

Scare the old men, Corey! They need to be terrified and you need someone you can scare.


Bobby points to his head. Thunder Knuckles turns his back knowing he won't speak again.


You've tried to beat your way into here before using brute force, Corey, you aren't getting in my head anywhere near as much as I am you though. You think you're treading lightly hoping for some mercies, or you just have nothing to say, either way, you're pretty much a dipshit for it.

I'm too spicy for you, so you start to gag and make funny faces, so afraid of being made fun of for being dramatic you got made fun of for being super weird at being fun. You put the fork down, but you've bitten into it now, that heat isn't just settling in it's a lingerer and potent too. Burn. You feel the world tense up as some infernal spawn of the Carolina Reaper and the Ghost Pepper tears into you, burning your whole insides as the tears well up. You're not just in pain, you're embarrassed, you couldn't handle the snack food and now you're going up on Twitter in posts as the dork who tried to tackle a challenge but bit off more than he could chew.


Bobby Bourbon spits on the ground at that notion.


Fuck, dude, even if Doc were here to cover your ass it wouldn't do you a damn bit of good the fucking roll my partner and me have been on. He saw the writing on the wall and went after the March Madness tournament. Now THERE is a man who is actually having a singles career we can give a fuck about. Not the downward spiral dumpster fire that Thad is riding, and no, the both of you losing to the both of us isn't rock bottom for the boy. We're on the rise, we're meeting somewhere in the middle.

That's the long and short of it, isn't it? You've coasted and had fun, zipped around bends and through loops, screaming all along the ride you've been on, but the rollercoaster is pulling back into the station, it's time to get off the ride and go buy yourselves a souvenir photo of when you were having a thrill. Maybe go to get yourself an overpriced lemonade, or find something else in the amusement park. Sculpt those incredible singles careers into something closer that you both claim them to be at the moment.


Bobby Bourbon turns his back to the camera. At the same time, both of Them No Good Bastards raise their right fists into the air as the scene fades to black.

[Image: brofade.gif]
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