At long last, we finally see the climax of the dramatic story that happens in the lives of people.

Only on BOBTube.

THE CONCLUSION

Graveyards. More common in the XWF, and wrestling in general, than alternate personas. It's a calm, pleasant day, weatherwise, but we see a funeral underway for the good clone of Hoggart. Big P, Tadd, and Leena are seen at the burial site, dressed in black, as Detective Hatepants presides over the happening, also looking to be a minister in a plain black jacket, black shirt, black boxer briefs, and black shoes.

We are here today to mourn the loss of the good clone of Hoggart, Big P's long-lost evil brother. The good clone of Hoggart was a swell guy, and we all miss him.

Big P has a tear run down from his right eye as Tadd puts a hand on his shoulder. Leena, turned on by this, puts her arm around Tadd's waist. As she does, a bevy of cyborg ninjas drop from a tree! They subdue Tadd, Big P, and Leena with hankies, no doubt doused in chloroform! Everything goes dark!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We see a woman draped in a sarong and clad in a bikini beneath traipsing down a beach.

Need to feel fresh?

We see a host of seagulls following the woman intently. She looks off into the distance, off the shore, the horizon rippling, foamy, and blue.

Suffering from a case of from-under, as in there's an odor coming from under your skirt?

A man jogging on the beach stops and briefly waves politely towards the woman. As soon as he passes, he drops to the ground, unconscious, from some terrible and unholy miasma coming from the woman.

You don't have to be self-conscious.

The woman continues her walk. A skunk approaches her, on the beach, then immediately scampers off, the stench too strong. As it does, a man in a black suit, white shirt, black tie, black and white spats, and a spiffy pork pie hat with a black and white checkerboard patterned ribbon adorning its rim, rushes up. He holds his nose and hands the woman a box. The camera zooms in.

Try Ska-Douche.

Peppy ska music plays as the woman, who looked forlorn until now, grins. There's a star-wipe, and the seagulls all fly away. The downed jogger revives. The ska guy who gave her the Ska-Douche is playing trumpet now as the rest of his band is on the beach, rocking two-tone and playing the shit out of some ska.

Ska-Douche. Give yourself peace of mind and cleanliness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We return to the program where we see Big P, Tadd, and Leena all recovering from the side of the clone of Hoggart's grave. Beside them is a tablet.

What happened?

Where's Detective Hatepants?

Almost on cue, the tablet begins to buzz. Big P picks it up and answers whatever call is coming over it. We see video footage of Detective Hatepants tied up in a chair.

Hatepants!

Big P! Please, Hoggart and the quilt wizard cabal have captured me! Please, carry on with the clone of Hoggart's funeral without me!

No fuckin' way!

Hello boys!

We see Hoggart, not the clone but the evil long-lost brother, on the screen. He is sneering, and Charles Store Jr. and Bisabuela Martina stand behind him, each holding yellow squeeze bottles.

Hahaha, my plan has finally come to fruition! Not only do I know all of Leena's werewolf secrets, but I have captured your detective, Big P, and now you'll have to all bankroll our quilting club AND the entire corn cartel in town!

You prick!

Prick? PRICK! You WILL give us the money! Charles, Martina, give ole' Hatepants the mustard!

Charles and Martina laugh like henchmen as they turn the squeeze bottles over Hatepants's head. They begin to douse him in yellow mustard.

NO! STOP! I'LL TALK!

Cracking immediately under the pressure of being covered in mustard, Detective Hatepants starts singing like a stool pigeon.

I DON'T WEAR PANTS BECAUSE MY KNEES ARE SEXY! BIG P HIDES HIS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS IN THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR! TADD HAD AN ABSENCE LAST YEAR!

The villains continue to hose down Detective Hatepants with mustard. Tadd grabs the tablet.

Wait, I recognize where they are!

Tad points out the booths, the telltale table cloth, the pizza on the table, the waitress walking by and asking if they could refresh their pitcher of root beer.

They're at Pizza Hut!

Stop, enough with the mustard! Who does this!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We see the offices of BOBTube. Bobby Bourbon is seated in the conference room across from Vinnie Lane.

So, dude, I'll totally be in the show, I know you've been working on this for months, but I don't want you to use it as an excuse to do something stupid.

What do you mean?

Vinnie takes a deep breath and glances down and away from Bobby. Bobby's inquisitive look bores into Vinnie.

I dunno. I mean, sure, it'll be fun and all, but nothing too crazy.

What's too crazy?

Bobby, you come up with some wacky ideas sometimes. I don't want to, I dunno, be the butt of some joke, like you cover me with mustard or something.

Bobby's eyes go wide. He starts to scribble into a notepad.

What are you writing?

Nothing...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big P, Tadd, and Leena, armed with the knowledge that the terrible triad of evil brother, corn magnate, and pepper peddler all together for quilting are at their hideout, a local Pizza Hut. They all get on longboards and begin to cruise their way to Pizza Hut, the corpse of the good clone of Hoggart just sitting in a hole in a box unattended.

We should be careful! We're not wearing pads or helmets!

No time, Tadd.

I know, but I have my awesome custom helmet and pads!

Oh my dear, but this is life and death! Detective Hatepants can't stand that much more mustarding!

The trio arrives at Pizza Hut, which is actually pretty close to the graveyard. They rush inside, and are immediately greeted by cyborg ninjas! Behind the ninjas, Hoggart, Charles Store Jr., and Bisabuela Martina stand. Detective Hatepants, tied to his chair in Pizza Hut, covered in mustard, looks miserable. Their server comes to their table and takes away some empty plates and brings a box for their pie.

Save yourselves! It's too late for me!

Bisabuela Martina pours more mustard on Detective Hatepants, who writhes in agony.

Face it, Big P, you're outnumbered!

No we aren't!

With that, the glass of a window shatters, and the rest of the diners look annoyed that this is all happening while they went out to lunch. Though the glass dives the clone of the good clone of Hoggart! He has a silenced Walther PPK! He shoots Charles Store Jr. in the head, dropping him! He blasts Bisabuela Martina! With the succinct sound of a silenced pistol shot, the evil long-lost brother Hoggart is dropped! As soon as they go down, all the cyborg ninjas shut down!

Clone of the good clone of Hoggart! Right in the nick of time!

That's right! Now the bad guys are all dead, and your money is safe!

Phew!

Leena, turned on by this, puts her arm around Tadd's waist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU EDITED ALL OUT?

TK looks more than annoyed.

Look, bro, we needed to cut some stuff for time, and all those scenes were kinda changing the whole vibe of what we were doing.

Those scenes set the tone and were highly dramatic!

Bobby shrugs.

I know! You're preaching to the choir, but all the hardcore sex scenes between you and Leena had to be cut. Our sponsors didn't want to be associated with that kind of stuff, and besides, you can always sell the scenes on your Onlyfans.

TK nods, looking as though acceptance has crossed his mind.

Fair enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We see Detective Hatepants, still yellowed and pretty pissed looking that he got covered in mustard, putting Hoggart, Charles Store Jr., and Bisabuela Martina's corpses in handcuffs.

We'll take these guys downtown. Thanks for the rescue, clone of the good clone of Hoggart!

My pleasure.

Our pleasure.

Big P and the clone of the good clone of Hoggart give each other a high five.

Well, I guess we should celebrate! We cured cancer, stopped a quilting club's nefarious scheme to blackmail me over my woman...

Tadd turns to Leena.

Oh, by the way, we're breaking up now. Sorry, stepmom.

It's okay, stepson. I've enjoyed boinking you thoroughly, and your father is still supporting our half-werewolf son, so I'll just fade away.

Cool.

Big P and Tadd stand next to each other, smiling.

Well, Big P, what should we do now?

Big P looks at Tadd.

Please...




























































































call me Porky.

The screen goes dim as we hear a voiceover.

Thank you for watching the BOBTube presentation of Porky's 2. Coming up next, Miss Fury's Nanny Nightmares!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the wrap party for Porky's 2, we catch up with Bobby and TK. Bobby looks at the camera.

Well, hello!

Let me tell y'all a little story.

See, we know we're fucking ready for March Madness. We've been preparing for our match with these guys since the last time we faced Continuum. We know it's not going to be easy, unless I handcuff one of you lil' scumbags to me, in which case you'll just be slung around like the bag of Doc's laundry you have to do to keep him in Continuum and from making fun of how dramatic you lil' scumbags are.

I mean, if we wanted to be honest, we would point out how you completely stepped away from doing anything dramatic, shooting for jokes from South Park from over a decade ago to compete with us. Sweet choice of vocabulary, by the way, nice to see that one hundred and sixty pounds of body frame was able to lift a heavy book like a thesaurus but couldn't decide whether to call me Bobby or Robbie.

As opposed to yourself, Charlie Nickles, Robert Main, or even ole' Chris Page, I don't have multiple personas, but keep it up, I suppose. Hook that Dragonball fanbase, make 'em think I'll power up to a new form to get the win, instead of just showing up with my partner with all the momentum of the universe to get the win.

Where's the footage of you guys hugging it out with Doc, by the way?

Bobby grins and rolls his eyes.

THAT I would love to see. Also, that would've been comedic gold.

Anyhow, it's storytime.

See, there once were these two brothers, the older brother was named Gary, and the younger was named Gray, I guess because their parents really liked the name Gary and just rolled with it and rearranged some letters to keep it similar. Gary and Gray were thick as thieves, closer to each other than Siamese twins, and their parents always told them how special they were.

Gary was a bright and shining star, and Gray glowed like the moon, both illuminating the skies for their mommy and daddy.

Now, Gary and Gray did accomplish some wonderful shit together. Their mommy and daddy proudly displayed all their trophies, marked all their accomplishments, and constantly told them how special they were for all the great things they did. Every victory was celebrated, and anything that wasn't, well, they just kind of ignored it and swept it under the rug.

Gary and Gray wound up getting all the confidence in the world. They felt fit, emboldened, empowered, et cetera. In their home, there wasn't a feat they couldn't accomplish, all the while patting each other on the back and reassuring one another that they were amazing.

Acting like they shat baby powder and roses, their shit not stinking whatsoever.

And then, bam, one day a pair of gorillas clubbed them over the heads and took all their accolades.

Suddenly, without any warning, the two boys who had the whole world and all the talents were just left to be ordinary and wanting.

See, Thad, Corey, you guys are talented. I'm not going to say you aren't. The Tag Team Championships aren't being served up on a platter for us by any means whatsoever. You've beaten your fair share of talent, which makes you pretty great. Cataclysm? Very talented, though I'm not sure if you think so. You keep slamming Chris Page, saying he's a champ who can't hold water or draw flies, but neither of you seem to be stepping up to take his Universal Championship. Was beating him and Main a thing or no?

D.D.S.? Charlie Nickles has been on fire and his stock is constantly rising in this company. Marf and Lycana? They show promise. Hell, you even harped about beating us, so I guess that makes us pretty important. Can you do it twice? Nah, not without a patsy to take the fall for us.

However, and here's the thing, talent is great. Is it greatness?

Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles are coming to claim greatness, not talent.

We know we're talented. We know your talents. I don't think you understand how to avoid what makes us talented, what defines us as great, and won't stop us from becoming the very pinnacle of tag team wrestling. You know why?

We ARE the pinnacle of tag team wrestling.

Flaunt the fact you've gone 3-0. That's a solid hot streak. Is it a vaunted, insurmountable thing? No, not really. Even schlubs like Peter Gilmour were capable of stringing together three wins over four months. I guess you guys are so great you don't have to compete and the bed of laurels is cozy enough to rest on for long enough stretches of time.

Mark my words, we're defending the Tag Team Titles at Warfare on the 21st of April.

If you want a rematch then, by all means, but I see you boys sure as shit didn't sign up to even compete as a team, let alone defend. Is it because you know you won't be holding the straps by then?

I mean, you're hyping a ton of wonderful matches you COULD have had by now, but just haven't. You can still have them, after all!

They just won't be involving the Tag Team Championships.

By all means, Continuum versus Betsy and Atara sounds like a wonderful main event match. Continuum versus teams from yesteryear? Sure, sign me up, sell me a ticket, let me grab my popcorn. Continuum versus teams of the future? Sounds incredible, we all look forward to seeing it.

You don't have to even be tag team champions to have any of those matches!

Bobby shakes his head 'no'.

We get it. Those belts define you as a team.

We define ourselves as a team, and we'll define the Tag Team Championships as something. Not the other way 'round.

TK, we got these fools in body bags, you wanna fire up the hearse?


Thunder Knuckles rubs his hands together ready to get to the task at hand.


Sure fucking thing, Bobby. Now that we ran through an entire year's worth of Continuum storyline for one show. No need for them to be hanging out in the tag division anymore. By the way, did you enjoy Porky's 2?


Thunder Knuckles says with a crooked smile.


Answer one question though. Why do they keep talking about Chris Page, Bobby?


Bobby Bourbon looks bewildered.


I honestly don't know.

Do they think Chris Page is in BOB? Is that supposed to make us fucking angry or something? They certainly talk a lot about researching with montages, or what-the-fuck-ever, but if they did they'd know BOB kicked Page's ass then Ol' Thunder Knuckles got a Page plant on Warfare all before the Pay-Per-View. Hell, you could make a whole fucking radio show about that shit! Who'd a thought?


Thunder Knuckles looks off to a side camera.


March Madness! which you can order tomorrow and watch Them No Good Bastards beat the overconfident Cuntiuum team in a tornado tag match.



The shot switches back to the hard camera. Bobby Bourbon smiles at Thunder Knuckles, knowing exactly what Knuckles is about to say.


Make no mistake about it, those two fucking idiots, don't pay attention at all. They keep saying just showing up doesn't make us relevant.

Not a fucking word about Page actually when it mattered. Has Duke affected the way Corey works now? I mean, Duke's second Recorded Promo was certainly affected by Corey. Is this how they work as a team? You know, taking all the worst qualities of themselves and meshing it together? Boys, you're fucking up. Just look around March Madness, Corey. Even Cuntiuum needs Them No Good Bastards. Don't just take my word for it. Check out Dawk's Recorded Promos. He needed far more than just you two little bitches. That's the easiest FOURTY THOUSAND XBUX I've ever made. Well, next to anytime people that Corey knows got to paid Ol' Thunder Knuckles to win that is. Todd place the transaction on the screen!





That's not clout, fuck-wits. That's payment.


Thunder Knuckles says with a devious smile.


Don't just stop with Dawk's fucking work. Nooooo, far more of the goddamn roster sees Them No Good Bastards star power. We've been in more Promotional work than any team in recent history! Something Cuntinuum hasn't ever fucking done. Sure they'll call us whores. Hell, they ready have.


Thunder Knuckles gives a stale jerking-off hand gesture.


But we all know it's better to be a whore than a slut, like your tag team partner for this match, Thaddeus Duke. Speaking of fucking which, Duke said something about the bottom goddamn dollar before. Todd hit the mother fucker with the bottom dollar again.





The bottom-dollar is Ol' Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon sells fucking tickets, T-shirts, Hell, throw us a fucking baby leopard we'll sell that shit too! That's something that Corey can't do and hasn't done. Corey is as good at selling as he is taking on upper-tier guys these days. Anyone catch him defending his challengers lately? Boasted up the fact Dixion isn't a rookie because he's been in other places competing... Hey, Bobby!


Thunder Knuckles looks over at Bobby Bourbon.


What is it called when you're new and never rassled in a company?

Rookie.

That's what I fucking thought.


Thunder Knuckles looks down at the ground.


But he's right...


Thunder Knuckles pauses to let that sink in for XWF fans around the world.


Corey is right... That body did beat Robbie Bourbon.


Thunder Knuckles pulls his head back up to show a shit-eating grin.


But that wasn't fucking you was it, Corey? That was a goddamn virus. Not Pretty Corey Smith at all. That brings me to something fucking else entirely. While the Virus took control of you. Where in the actual fuck was your best friend Duke? Why wasn't he there to fucking help you? You like to call bullshit. Well, the only bullshit Ol' Thunder Knuckles sees is running down your fucking leg and it stinks to high fucking Hell. That's why you're whole fucking-


Thunder Knuckles give a more over-exaggerated jerking-off hand gesture this time, with a release to simulate the jizz following out.


-unbeaten six months shit comes to a fucking end at March Madness. At the hands of Them No Good Bastards and, man, is it going to piss you off! Taking an "L" to Ol' Thunder Knuckles I wonder how long it's going to take for you to try and get that one back?

Probably not long.

Well, it would have to be in a tag team competition because Them No Good Bastards don't compete unless it's together. Can you believe those fucking idiots still have signed up for the Tag Team Turmoil tournament?

Really? After Duke got scared and switched his game plan?

Five xbux says he goes back to it so he can say it was the plan all along.

Bet. Not even he's that stupid.


Thunder Knuckles shrugs exactly .01 seconds too long. In order not to be sued by L.I.E., Then Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon shake on the bet.


Still, it's pretty fucking crazy they wouldn't put out an insurance policy on their chance at redemption, right? Anyway, I'm so glad you finally waited to open your mouth at the very end. Another thing Corey likes to do. Fluffy you with some bullshit going on in Corey's life and BANG hit you with his "good stuff". Them No Good Bastards hit you with the good stuff from first to last because we know we're the best and not need to bullshit on the way there. You should really wipe that up, dog. It's gross. plus I really don't want to fucking grab your ankle with shit running down it. Show some fucking class for a change.


Thunder Knuckles beaming with confidence continues.


Hey, Bobby?


Bobby smiles because he knows Thunder Knuckles is about to be a giant cock bag.


Did we lose at fucking Snow Job?

Nope.


Them No Good Bastards both look into the camera and give the middle finger to Corey. Just to let him know he can die on that hill, alone.


Looking past us to a future matchup against Atty and Betsy or possibly a team from the past, isn't very smart, fuckers. You're in a fucking war you should have seen coming. After all, Corey is a mind reader.

If he was. He wouldn't have been such an eager beaver for this fight. He said it himself he was looking forward to this.

Until he's in the fucking thick of it. Now he's surrounded and crawling in the mud like a real soldier.


Thunder Knuckles jumps to attention and puts his right hand up to his head to salute.


Too fucking bad he's going to be Killed In Action, just like Duke's little war story.


Thunder Knuckles finishes the salute but with his middle finger.


Now, watch out, Bobby! They're going to use all their feelings I know because Corey warned us.


Thunder Knuckles said overdramatically.


Check it out boys I picked up a new skill! But seriously, They're going to use all their fucking emotions on us! Just like the goddamn Care Bears. Fucking shooting mother fucking emotion beams out their bellies and shit. So you HAVE to watch out for focus-fired emotion belly lasers. I guess, they're real.


Thunder Knuckles knows it's about time to wrap this the fuck up and a serious demeanor comes over his face.


I am a little upset that Thad thinks that Ol' Thunder Knuckles thinks he's boring. That's not the case at all. Drama isn't boring! We proved it with Porky's 2! I'd keep talking about Thad, but honestly, he's already said everything he was going to say. Now he's just going to fucking repeat himself. Now if you fucking excuse use. We're going to climb into my new fucking trans am and get the fuck to Vegas. The tag champs have a Rainbow Laser Death Sequence to eat.


Them No Good Bastards start to leave the after party for Porky's 2. Bobby, TK, accompanied by Big Money Oswald, depart for whatever awaits them on the passage we just call life. The familial bonds that go unspoken, that don't need to be thrust into scope and to prop up any form of vindication, that form some kind of connection intended to resonate with the consumer of such media. The crux of the kinship that runs so deep that any manner of homogenization of it results in something that parodies itself, something that even Disney or Hallmark would find too simplistic for it's viewership and is best left for Canadian cable access television.

Perfect.