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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » March Madness 2021 PPV Board
Somebody's Fucking Lying
Author Message
Prof. Bobby Bourbon Offline
Mad Scientist



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
03-23-2021, 09:12 PM



The stories of our lives unfold in every which way.

Dramatically.

SOMEBODY'S FUCKING LYING!

We open in Big P's home, he's seated and having a wonderful home cooked meal with Tadd, Leena, and Hoggart, Big P's long lost brother. The champagne is out and all look absolutely ravishing in silk shirts and slacks. Tadd picks up a homemade chicken nugget and dips it into Big P's legendary fancy sauce, a mix of mayonaise, mustard, and ketchup in just the right portions. Hoggart enjoys another microwaved piece of corn on the cob sitting in a big glass dish. Big P is enjoying his nuggets and fancy sauce, washing it down with champagne.

What a feast. Nuggets, corn, and Asti Spumante.

Fuck yeah!

Tadd echoes the sentiment with half a mouth full of crushed particulated chicken and slightly above average grocery store hooch.

To Hoggart! Welcome home!

Hoggart looks around happily.

Well, it's been a long journey. If you'll excuse me, I gotta take a leak. Where's the can?

Around the corner.

Hoggart leaves the room. Tadd swirls the Asti Spumante around in his pint glass and looks at Leena lovingly.

You know, I might be on to something. Turn the news on!

Oh?

Big P turns on the TV. It's a fourteen inch model mounted on the wall. Very classy. It features the news, with an anchor reporting while a picture of Tadd is seen behind them.

"It seems that Dr. Tadd, Esquire, has discovered a presumed cure for lycanthropy! That's right, a cure for werewolfism. People had this to say."

We see a random passerby on the street.

"You know, maybe it'll help some people I guess."

We see another random passerby, this one a werewolf.

"I find it deeply offensive, I'm proud of my werewolf heritage!"

The reporter is back taking up the entirety of the illuminated fourteen inch screen.

"Not everybody agrees this cure is needed, we'll report as follows!"

Tadd walks over and takes the fourteen inch TV off the wall and smashes it on the floor in rage. Leena, turned on by this, approaches him from behind and puts her arm around his waist.

Sweetie, you don't need to fret.

Yeah, bud, you've provided a gift to the world, nobody is going to be forced to end their lycanthropy.

Leena looks away forlornly. Tadd glances at her and notices something is afoot. Hoggart stumbles back into the room and gashes his hand on his butter knife!

Oh, dear me, Hoggart! Are you alright?

I got cut on my hand!

Both Big P and Hoggart look dramatically at the slight cut on Hoggart's hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tired of toys that are too time consuming to build?

Daddy, daddy, we want to play!

A little girl runs into a room, we see a man, her dad, seated in a couch looking depressed. She's pointing at a box on the ground that says "SWING SET" on it. The man exhales deeply and opens the box and pieces explode all over the floor.

Too many missing parts? Instructions that make no sense?

The dad is scratching his head, looking at a piece of paper with utter confusion.

Don't you want your kids to have fun now?

The beleaguered dad looks dead at the camera and nods.

Well then you need FUN BOX NOW!

A flashy looking, bright colored box appears next to the dad. It reads "FUN BOX NOW!" The dad lugs it outside to the yard and opens it. He pulls a bundle out of the box, presses a button, and it unfolds into a swingset!

That's right, FUN BOX NOW is the greatest swingset you'll ever buy for your child, and it builds itself!

From LazyDads!

LazyDads for Happy Kids!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We return from commercial and see Tadd looking into a microscope as Leena finishes bandaging Hoggart's hand. Big P looks perplexed. Detective Hatepants is in the room, wearing a beautiful suede vest over a chic silk shirt, a pair of boxer briefs, some festive blue socks and red sneakers, hating the thought of wearing pants. Tadd looks up, determined and emotionally impacted by what he's learning.

I may need to do more tests to prove this. Hoggart, I need a larger blood sample.

Judge, I've learned a few things about Hoggart.

Not now, Hatepants, can't you see my long lost brother is injured?

Well, your honor, this can't wait.

Big P flashes a glare towards Detective Hatepants.

This had better be good, Hatepants.

Hatepants nods.

It's the best. We've been doing some looking into your case and who's been blackmailing you and Tadd.

Tadd looks dramatically off in the distance. Leena, turned on by this, puts her arm around his waist.

We know you were approached by the blind seer and his granddaughter, but the source of their information? Hoggart.

Hoggart looks shocked. Big P looks shocked. Tadd looks equally as shocked. Leena looks just as shocked too.

I swear, I didn't!

Detective, I hope you have some proof that merit's this claim!

I do, actually.

The detective shows a video. In it, we see Hoggart sitting in a chair, a malevolent grin on his face.

Hahahaha, you see, I will tell you, blind seer, the secret you can use to blackmail Tadd, and we will reclaim the fortunes of my family, MY inheritance and fortune, and we won't leave a cent to that buffoon, Big P! I will take Big P for all he's worth, and drain Big P until he's sputtering and dry, and I will flush Big P down the drain. Mwahahahaha!

It's a very dramatic speech indeed. Big P turns to Hoggart. Hoggart is in tears.

There's no way! That wasn't me!

Big P looks deeply hurt in a very dramatic way.

Hoggart, how the fuck could you? This guy is your brother!

Well, doctor, you'll be able to prove my theory with his blood.

How so?

Tadd looks dramatically at Hatepants. Hatepants looks dramatically at Tadd.

Hoggart is a clone!

Big P looks at Hoggart.

So, you aren't my long...

Big P glances off in a different direction.

...lost brother.

Big P looks deeply moved by this realization.

I'll have to take samples from everyone, now, for legal and medical purposes.

Where is the real Hoggart.

He's, well, dead.

Big P looks struck. He then turns and looks at the clone of Hoggart with a smile. Tadd takes a sample of blood from his girlfriend in strictly platonic phlebotomy. She turns and looks at him longingly.

I love needle play. I think it's hot.

Get it, girl.

Hoggart was killed at a dice game down by the docks after he welched on a bet and got stabbed fifty-four times. The killer is claiming self defense.

Big P looks disturbed.

I will try that man in my court!

Suddenly, a pack of ninjas burst in through the windows! Brandishing swords and shouting in Japanese, they seem to have ill intent on their minds as they wish to harm Big P and his family and friends, clone or otherwise. Detective Hatepants pulls out his revolver and shoots them all! They all spark and glitch out, because they're cyborgs!

I have a hunch the Yakuza killed Hoggart!

Those fuckers will pay!

Very tense piano music plays as it heightens the shit out of drama. As it does, Leena stands, her phone going off. She reads it.

Who is it, darling?

It's Petunia, my dearest stepson.

Woah, this is really very PornHubby right now, you're her stepson?

Big P looks at the clone of his brother Hoggart and shakes his head 'no' while waving his hand horizontally with a flat palm pointed downward.

Look, yeah, it's the plot of half the videos on PornHub, but that's not what we're lampooning here.

Tadd has embraced Leena, his stepmother, and yes, it's very PornHubby right now. Leena converses with Petunia, typing away on her phone.

Are you texting this Petunia?

No, I am telling her my feminine secrets, woman to woman, on the internet.

Hehe, is Petunia single? Maybe I could flirt with her, on the internet!

They all share a dry laugh at the notion. Dramatically. At that moment, there's a knock at the door. Big P moves to answer it. He opens the door, and we are greeted by two people. Charles Store Jr., owner of Store Brand Chiles, and Bisabuela Martina, owner of a chain of low grade elote spots across town, often considered to be the seedy underbelly of corn, stand cackling.

Ah, Big P, and your friends, I am glad I have arrived! I take it you got my message? Hahaha!

Charles laughs, his eye patch covering his left eye shaking up and down as he does. Martina nods and smiles. As they do, a team of cyborg ninjas crash in through the windows, and the drama unfolds.

Shit, ninjas! The corn people are working with the Yakuza!

That's right, and we'll form our cabal of quilting wizards if it's the last thing we do!

You fiend!

Charles Store Jr. and Bisabuela Martina leave as Big P, the good clone of Hoggart, Tadd, and Leena prepare to fight off ninja cyborgs! We went from doing PornHub creepster shit with Tadd and Leena all the way to fighting the Foot Clan! DRAMA!!! Big P pulls out a battle axe! The good clone of Hoggart grabs a poker from the fireplace! He swings it and sinks the pick into the cranium of a cyborg ninja, causing it to convulse and fall! Tadd shoots a cyborg ninja with a sweet looking custom chrome revolver that has "The Doctor Is In" etched on the barrel, and it falls to the floor! Leena has a crossbow and shoots a ninja in the groin, and even though it's a cyborg it's super effective! Big P cleaves the last cyborg ninja in half! They all look dramatically at what just occured!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Backstage, we see TK and Bobby getting into make-up for their roles as Tadd and Big P.

Well, hello lads. Good to see them Continuum boys again. Looks like Corey had his tiff of a bitch session already, posing questions, and frankly, I owe the man a few answers.

What are we, if not infotainment.

As opposed to unrelatable tirades from Thaddeus Duke, seriously, nobody talks like that Thad, and intriguing but ultimately whiney prose from Corey about how this should be that and dictating his own narrative.

About time, boyo, we've been establishing one on TV for over a month. You, on the other hand, well, did bupkis besides know we've been getting established for over a month. You even called it, you knew TNGB would be The Next Great Beating coming your way before we even beat Mastermind and Morbid Angel.

How did you predict that besides the fact we've been coming your way like a fucking tsunami you have been well fucking warned about for so long but fail to grasp why people are telling you about the tidal wave a'comin'.

I won't decry your achievements. I have nothing to gain by not knowing what you're capable of. You aren't a fake champ, you've defended the belt which is just as good as winning it as far as I'm concerned, and strong work for being a champion, a fighting champion, a defending champion, and finally a former champion come the end of our match at March Madness.

Shit, what have you done to carry any of the intrigue of the tag team scene around here? You performed your mandatory defense against D.D.S., and tell me, is Jim Jimson on our level? Not really. Morbid and Mastermind have done more for this division to keep it relevant than you have, than Thad has, or Doc has besides having some name value! The only recognition you have achieved in the tag division is brand recognition. No hype.

You pinned the Left Hand and Jim Jimson.

No big money opposition pinned or submitted.

Just the insistance that who you are as individuals and your resumes make a division. That's complete nonsense.

In terms of partners, we didn't tag up, Corey. I didn't tag up with Thad. I chose, I fucking opted for Thunder Knuckles, the finest partner I have ever had, he is on our level, he is the whole show, the Relentless Legend, and if you're sleeping on that guy, you're going to get a rude awakening.

In terms of everything else, thanks for the history lesson, Corey. Bravo. I'm pretty sure you could get a job at a local community college teaching typing given how eloquent you were. Sorry, fella, you can try to get yourself into that mode where you can feel vindicated and justified, where I'm definitely in the wrong someway, but I'm not.

Neither is TK.

Them No Good Bastards busted their asses to get here.

Maybe we could get Thad the memo too, since he seems to think he's harshing us by casting shade on the guy he lost the big gold to, being any ways focused by talking about Alias at the same time, and is about to get fucking blindsided by a freight train going full speed on the tracks because he wants to look at the rails and beams and not what's actually headed his way.

Thad is a bitter ex-champion who hopes Alias beats someone he can't.

We get it.

You don't have to go on anymore about it. It's fucking stupid.

We're on your fucking doorstep, Thad. Bring the big guns, roll out the artillery, call the navy, the air force, and the coast guard. Them No Good Bastards are coming to bring the fight directly to you, you'll need your personal cadre of mercenaries that rivals even Scientology. Congrats.

You're really just the Scientology of the XWF and the Illuminati are I don't give a flying fart.

Corey, have you gotten a sweet rank in Thad's military? I was a lieutenant for a moment when B.O.B. went paramilitary, but we haven't really done that in a while.

And how many steps of association do you have, Corey, according to Thad? He strung together some wacky ass string of events that he thinks D.D.S., the guys not in this match, are relevant.

Damn, Thad, tell your little boy I say hello.

But the next time you try to make a few shots, maybe you work on your targetting first so you can actually hit something instead of wasting ammunition on trees, moles, fungi, or anything else that isn't us.

US.

It's not that I'm on or off, it's that we're fucking on fire, the hottest tag team in the XWF. We're definitely, absolutely, and incredibly are 'on', so to speak. Is that what you mean? That I'm getting the opportunities to showcase my talents on TV more? That I'm not having the spotlight cast away from me because Thad needed it so much that Doc and Corey hoisted him into being Universal Champion?

Shit, Thad, you were a more hollow Universal Champion than Ned Kaye was as Hart Champion.

Tell us more how awful the guy who beat you is again, Thad. You love your transitive logic hogwash, point out how you're the fucking weakest link in this match.

Thing is, both of you dopes talked a little about me, and a little about TK, and that's cute. But, you're talking about a fucking hit squad honed to lethal and swift efficiency when it comes to coming to the ring, or getting bushwhacked in the back at catering, and winning.

You're talking about The Sultan of Smacktalk and the Smacktalker Supreme getting together to see who can outdo who.

You're talking about the Relentless Legend and the Wednesday Night Wrecker coming together to do damage.

No, we did maintenance.

We kicked the tag division into overdrive, you call it whoring out on television and making appearances, but bro, that's what being relevant is, not just hiding in the shadows and saying you're good enough, because that elitism, lads, that elitism is what will lead to being blind to see where you will fail. We're marching into Madness, no air support, no ground support, ready for battle, and at the end of the war, when the final shots are fired, and the power of the cosmos has rained down on you with the might of a thousand bombs, when you're looking up to the sky and catching your breath from what just happened, you'll hear one name.

Them No Good Bastards.

X.

W.

F.

Tag Team.

Champions.


Vhodka Marie, known superstar of wrestling and one of the performers on the show, approaches.

“You’re so fucking transparent it’s laughable, I knew it would only take so long before you revealed your true colors. Red, orange, golden yellow - it doesn’t matter which all that matters is the simple fact that once you start to peel back the layers you’re no different from all the rest of them. You’re ornamental, set dressing for the Thanksgiving table of life. When you’re good it’s only because you’ve got others around you elevating and lifting you up to a level you could only dream of ascending to on your own. But when you remove all the accoutrements, the proverbial bells and whistles, well, you’re just a flavorless husk begging to be once more drenched in salt and butter and given three seconds of relevancy before you’re forgotten again until tomorrow’s trip to the toilet. So impalpable that you aren’t even digestible. Don’t get me wrong, there’s something to be said for getting chewed up and coming out whole but it’s not enough to build a whole reputation on, believe me. “

Bobby looks impressed.

Are you talking about corn?

"I am."

Oh, well, that was baller smacktalk.

"Thanks."

So, why didn't you address Continuum and just cut a promo on corn?

"Because I have no clue who Continuum is. But you're Bobby Bourbon and TK, I know that. And I know a thing or two about a thing or two about corn. Don't get me started on canned corn."

Damn, so we're as well known as corn but Continuum is a secret. Huh. Sounds like Continuum is not as relevant as they think!

TK looks kind of excited that Vhodka Marie is in the promo.

Let's see how I do.

Thunder Knuckles cracks his neck and knuckles.

Duke is goddamned confused as fuck.


It’s sad.

Seriously this mother fucker is sitting there just blabbering the fuck away. Chris Page this, Chris Page that. Listen jackass, you’re not going up against fucking Chris Page. God fucking knows you repeated yourself into goddamn oblivion once. Just saying the same tired shit about Chris goddamn Page. Now Ol’ Thunder Knuckles isn’t the brightest letter in the alphabet but repeating that same fucking process for the tag straps that… You fucking guessed it! Chris Page isn’t even in. I see a fucking pattern here Bobby! First DDS, then Page. This fucker's living in the pas,t and like not even a distant past. More like fucking a month ago, two tops! Well, your fucking living in the goddamn past promo work isn’t going to do yourself any fucking favors, Duke. The next thing you know this guy will say is "XBUX are useless". Gimme a fucking break with this guy.


I wish those two would just fuck Alias already.

Why?

Thunder Knuckles's arrogant smirk turns to full blow smile.

That’s fucking easy, Bobby. So we could see which one of those infemanit bitches turns against the other. All for that sweet, sweet, Alias shine that neither one of them currently fucking have.


What do you mean by infemanit?

Like a fucking woman.

Think you meant effeminate but good one.

No, not fucking good one, Bobby. that's the fucking truth mark my fucking words!

How about we bet?

Twenty xbux?

Bet.

Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles shake hands, making the bet official as Vhodka Marie.

My money’s on Corey, he’s more of a selfish diva than fucking Duke is. You know that snot-nosed bitch, Corey, said I wasn’t on his level? Fuck, I’ve won more goddamn Championships than this midget and he wants to talk like he’s some higher fucking being cause he was abducted by some time-traveling lesbian bitch. Corey’s never won a fucking belt of his own but wants to play it off like he has because he was handed one. What was it, Corey? Beer pong championship? That's the one Thad gave him. That’s cute as fuck. I promise mother fucker that the second we get our hands on you. You're going to remember why Pretty Corey Smith turned into Lux in the first fucking place.


Thunder Knuckles looks over at Vodka Marie.

Know all that trash talk you spit on corn, Marie?

Yeah.

Well, it wasn't relevant til now. You see our fucking opponents are a lot like corn, or at least how you described corn. Ol' Thaddeus needs both Corey and Doc to stay relevant these days. Don't believe me? See how far he fell down the card and the people he's faced. Go on, I'm not Jimmy I'm not going to fucking do it for you. Corey's picking up wins on rookies.

Thunder Knuckles gives his jerking-off hand gesture but it's lazy. It's as if Thunder Knuckles knows that the XWF fans around the world know, that's how Corey racks up so many wins.

Oh, and boys, if you think you're relevant because you're holding those tag straps. You'd be dead fucking wrong. You're relevant because at March Madness your the team that was beaten by the best tag team in the fucking world, Them.

No.

Good.

Bastards.

[Image: DtUCPfZ.png]
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Atara Raven (03-23-2021), Charlie Nickles (03-23-2021), Chris Page (03-24-2021), Dean Rose (03-24-2021), Doctor Louis D'Ville (03-24-2021), Marf (03-24-2021), Miss Fury (03-26-2021), Morbid Angel (03-24-2021), R.L. Edgar (03-26-2021), Sil (03-23-2021), Theo Pryce (03-24-2021), Thunder Knuckles™ (03-23-2021)




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