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Diesel · (03-12-2021)

When we last left Diesel, he was in a big rig saving Thunder Knuckles from like twenty minutes of embarrassment. Maybe more. This, is not a continuation of that story. Unfortunately, the rest of that saga got lost in the time loop and can't be recovered. It had an SQL error or something we think.

Our anti-hero slowly awakens from his slumber in a cryo chamber inside the Oz-Corp Ro-BOB Factory. He blinks several times and peers up through the body length glass window covering him. Diesel goes to sit upright and smashes his skull off the inside of the glass.

"MMmMMMMMMmmmMM!" he exclaims in a muffled voice before lying back again and rubbing his forehead.

Translation: Ow.

"Open it up, Oswald!" orders Miss Fury. "We can't have our newest champion getting concussed now can we?"

"Like anyone could tell the difference," Billionaire Oswald replies as he smashes the 'open' button and a wooooosh sound is heard. "His brain has been..."

"I heard that you jerk!" Diesel interrupts as he sits up, still rubbing his forehead. "Anyway, where the fCENSORED are we? And why the fCENSORED are we here?"

"You're at the..."

"This is the Ro-BOB Factory, Big Daddy," Fury answers. "Billionaire Oswald something something has graciously ponied up the investment in BoB's latest acquisition, the World Wrestling Federation Champion."

Oswald scrunches up his face and mouths 'what the fuck'.

"Who the fCENSORED is Oswald whatever whatever?"

"ME!" Oswald shouts.

"Miss Furry," Diesel whispers.

"F-YER-Y" she interrupts in a whisper, correcting his mispronunciation.

"Whatever. Why is Big Show yelling?" he whispers again.

"Did he just fCENSOREDin call me Big Show?"

"Quiet Oswald, the adults are talking."

Oswald rolls his eyes and shakes his head before digressing.

"We're here Diesel, because we've spent the last week developing and installing brand new state of the art Bionic Quads!" she informs him. "And for the low low cost of just ten billion dollars."

"Low cost!?"

"What the fCENSORED does that mean?"

"You go to take a mother fCENSOREDing leak and you blow out a quad you..." Oswald interjects with vitriol before being shushed by Miss Fury.

"Let's move on shall we? While we're at it, let's leave 1995 Diesel in 1995..."

"...Didn't we already do that?"

"Yes but let's bring out 1996 Diesel."

"I was a pretty good bad guy," Diesel muses aloud to himself. "Stupid fCENSOREDing marks."

"Shall we take your new legs for a spin?"

Diesel hops down off the cryo chamber and works his legs a little.

"Only the finest titanium rods to replace the weak bone structure," Fury says as he pounds his thighs a bit. "The muscles themselves were taken from Lex Luger and that's why he's like a buck fifty and in a wheel chair now."

"Mister Oswald..." says a scientist as he comes rushing into the room.

"Big boot!" Diesel cries out as he sends his size 17's into the face of the scientist. The scientist crashes to the floor, out like a light.

"I want a return on my..."

"I was WWF Champion for 51 weeks, Big Show!"

"What the fCENSORED was that!?" Diesel asks of Miss Fury.

"You said the word of the day," she whispers to him. He looks at her confused... but also normal. "It has to do with the Top 50 list."

"Then what does 51 have to do with anything!?"

Oswald is incensed with roid rage or something over the... number usage...

"Let me speak directly to Ruby's number one Vanilla Midget man servant, or boyfriend or whatever the fCENSORED he is. Let me tell you why this sorry piece of sCENSORED is a Vanilla Midget. This cat is in the Hall of Legends and for what? Sucking the life out of every party he's ever been to? If Lacklan or Lane or anyone else wants to watch the fans go mild, they book Centurion. Is he in the Koko B. Ware wing? You know, where all the nobodies that had a decent following go. It isn't because he's special because he isn't.

"This is a guy that tried eleventy six times to win the big one and became so good at not winning it that he retired from chasing it.

"That's how good he is at sucking.

"I mean, Centurion is the wrestling equivalent of watching paint dry, that's how interesting he's always been and continues to be. He can say whatever he wants about Big Daddy Cool. He can say what he wants about B.o.B. The fact of the matter is real simple Centurion. I could mail this in just like I'm doing because no matter what year it is, no matter what name I use, no matter what show I'm on, I have more talent in my fCENSOREDing pinky finger than you have in your entire body. My hair flip is more interesting than any dozen Centurion matches and promos combined.

"No matter how you slice it Centurion, Big Daddy Cool is better than you..." Diesel gives him a wink.

"The 'no matter what name' thing is a little confusing," Fury interjects. "And I think 'better than you' is already trademarked."

"I meant Kevin Nash," Diesel informs her. "What other name would I be talking about? And fCENSORED that little runt and his catchphrase. I'll use it 51 more times."

"sCENSORED."

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