---

The studio executive looked over the screenplay, visibly cringing as he trudged through it. He glanced across his desk, seeing the writer of this mess sitting gleefully. In all his years, he and his secretary had never heard of a screenwriter named Urias Pheelanruff, but he apparently made some big splash in China with a 2006 film no one had ever heard of. Against his better judgement, he let the guy in to pitch it and Pheelanruff opted to let the script speak for itself.

It didn’t say great things.

As the executive got to the next page, he scanned his eyes over the stack of unread pages lying beneath the ones he just finished. It was easily over 200 pages remaining, prompting a dumbstruck expression from the poor studio representative. Urias spoke up, noticing his stunned hesitation.

“So, Mr. Softwick, whadduya think so far?”

Softwick looked at Urias, unsure what to lead with. Despite being completely awful, there was something unlike normal bad scripts to this one. This transcended garbage, crap, and shit easily. He had read wannabe Saw screenplays that left him feeling less dirty than… whatever the hell this was. Still, he was finding it hard to stop reading.

“I think... it’s certainly fascinating, Doctor. And you say this is based off of a true story?”

“Well, I took a few liberties, but it’s pretty accurate from what I remember of Ned’s talks about his job. I always thought Ruby would make a good knight templar! Oh, oh! And I’m thinking we get Anne Hathaway to play her! She’ll fit that role like an environmentally conscious glove!”

“Um, Urias?”

“And Jason Mamoa would make a darn good Ned Kaye!”

“Could you listen to-”

“Ooh and for Sarah? Ellen DeGeneres! And of course yours truly could be played by-”

“-me!”

“...I was gonna say Adam Sandler.”

“Look, this is a very... interesting screenplay, but I’ve never even heard of Ned Kaye before today. Are you sure he has crossover appeal outside of wrestling? Do you even have the rights to all of these people and their likenesses?"

Urias's smile dropped.

“Uh.... about that.”

---

"You can't run from yourself."