Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Mini Morbid · (02-10-2021)

Mini Morbid sits on a massive throne carved from the GILDED SKULLS of his ENEMIES!!!

He is watching Perfect Strangers on HULU.

“Sometimes the world looks perfect,
Nothing to rearrange.
Sometimes you just get a feeling
Like you need some kind of change…”

“THIS IS MY JAM! MY GODDAMN SONG!!!”

“No matter what the odds are this time,
Nothing's going to stand in my way.
This flame in my heart,
Like a long lost friend
Gives every dark street a light at the end…”

“HERE COMES THE BEST PART!!! BRING IN TODAY’S BOVINE SACRIFICE!!!”

From a side door of the throne room, a masked executioner drags in a naked and bound overweight woman. She whimpers and cries as she is tossed onto her hands and knees in front of Mini Morbid.

Mini leaps from his skull throne and grabs his CEREMONIAL HALBERD from the wall next to him. This is the weapon of his father! And his father’s father!

“Standing TAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL…”

THUNK!

The halberd sinks through the fat woman’s neck meat like a hot ax through a neck. As the woman’s tear-streaked head rolls across the stone floor of Mini’s chamber, he bellows along with the flatscreen TV.

“...On the wings of my dream!”

“RISE AND FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL ON THE WINGS OF MY DREEEAAAAM!”

Just as Bronson Pinchot’s magnificent Balki Bartokomous gets confused and stuck in a set of golden revolving doors on the HULU stream, Mini Morbid kicks the woman’s head across the floor.

“THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CONTINUALLY HAVE ECTOPIC PREGNANCIES! MY CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER LODGINGS THAN YOUR MEAGER FALLOPIAN TUBES!!!”

“Nothing’s going to stop me now…”

The harmonica outro soothes Mini momentarily, and he wipes away a single tear as the season four episode “Wedding Belle Blues” starts playing. This is the classic episode where Balki receives a fiance in the mail as a birthday present from his mother back home in Mypos.

“A TUGGING OF THE HEART STRINGS! EVERY MAN DESERVES A FREE WIFE DELIVERY!!!”

He stares at the screen for a few moments, clapping and laughing uproariously at every cue. Eventually he seems to grow bored.

“THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH ALONE! BRING ME BALKI!!!”

A hidden doorway opens in the wall, and the disheveled and malnourished Bronson Pinchot is shoved out from behind a set of iron bars. His face is bruised and bloodied, and he has a long, scraggly beard. It does not look like he has bathed in months, and he appears to have been forced to sit in his own soiled undergarments for just as long.

“Mi-mi-mi-mister M-m-m-m-morbid, sir… please… I beg of you again, please free me… I have to go home to America… I have to let the rest of the cast of Sabrina know I’m alive…”

CCCRRRRACK!!!!

Mini Morbid knocks Pinchot onto his back by slapping him across the face with the flat side of his halberd.

“INSOLENCE!!!!!!!!!”

Mini trembles with rage. Bronson Pinchot wets himself on the floor.

“HOW DARE YOU UTTER THE NAME OF SABRINA, AN INFERIOR TELEVISION PRODUCT IN EVERY WAY SHAPE AND FORM TO THE EXCELLENCE THAT IS PERFECT STRANGERS! BEHOLD! THE SUBTLE ELEGANCE OF MARK LINN-BAKER’S LARRY APPLETON!!! OBSERVE! THE BEAUTY AND UNDERSTATED SEX APPEAL OF MELANIE WILSON’S JENNIFER!!! YOU DARE COMPARE THE DISGUSTING EXPLOITS OF TINY TITTED SABRINA AGAINST THIS MASTERPIECE WHICH LED TO THE BIRTH OF FAMILY MATTERS!?!?!?”

Bronson Pinchot weeps.

“No… no sir… I apologize…”

“RISE TO YOUR FEET LIKE A MAN AND DO THE DANCE OF JOY!!!”

“Please… please… I’m so weak…”

“THE DANCE!!! YOU WILL DO THE DANCE OR YOU WILL BE GNAWED ON BY THE GUM-MOUTHED SERPENTS AGAIN!!!”

“Oh god, no… not the serpents… anything but the serpents…”

The muscled goons that threw Bronson Pinchot into the room begin to kick him until he slowly stands and begins to hop around in the Dance of Joy.

“YES!!! YES!!!! GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR JOY, BARTOKOMOUS!!!!”

“My name is Bronson! I’m an actor!”

CCCRRRRACK!!!!

Pinchot is sent to the cobblestones once more as the halberd slams into his cheekbone, shattering it instantly. He wails and moans in agony as the goons grab him and drag him up to his feet.

“MAKE HIM DANCE!!!”

The goons move Pinchot around as if he were doing the Myposian Dance of Joy. Bronson Pinchot can only blubber and cry, blood pouring from his lips as his left eye reddens with broken capillaries.

“ENOUGH!!! I HAVE FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH THIS WARLOCK’S JOY MAGIC!!! MILK HIM OF HIS JOYOUS SEMEN AND THEN TAKE HIM TO THE SERPENTS!!!”

“No! Please! I did what you asked! Please!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooooo…”

The sound of Bronson Pinchot begging for mercy echoes through the hallway as Mini Morbid’s goons drag him to the pit of gumless perpents.

-FIN-

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode DON'T BE RIDICULOUS
Author	Message