The man shivered as the biting wind pushed into the cave and rolled across his many bodily wounds. His mind slowly broke as the frosty cold began to take over. His teeth clattered against each other while his own mind clattered against itself inside of his brain. Once again Charlie had been left, abandoned in the cold, all on his own. He knew that the fae folk screeching out in the forest were ruthless, vicious creatures that would be filled with glee to off the cruel creature in the cave. Charlie wondered how long it would be until the morning sun came to rescue him. Would he even survive that long? He hoped he would.

Charlie's eyes shot to the roof of the cave as a loud tremble echoed throughout the cave. Small rocks fell from the ceiling and rolled around the uneven cave floor once they landed. Charlie pushed himself to his feet and held his hands up to his shoulders with closed fists. If those god damned monsters in the black forest wanted him, they were going to have to kill him. He wasn't going to let them capture him again. Not alive, anyways. Ramesses had sent Charlie to the Black Forest on a vague quest, but Charlie was convinced now that it was all bologna. He had to have been in on it, or so Charlie was convinced. That big fat fuck had freed Charlie only for the thrill of the hunt, so that the Fae Folk could chase him down for their own amusement. Charlie wasn't going to have it.

Suddenly a hole was blasted through the roof of the cave! Rock debris went flying as someone jumped into the cave! They landed on their feet, but with a loud thud and metallic clank. Charlie charged forward! As he neared the intruder he cocked back a fist and prepared to swing! He was just about to unload, when-

"You're Charlie, right? Jim's partner?"


Charlie stopped in his tracks. He lowered his fists as he took a closer look at the exceedingly skinny bald man in front of him.

"Jim Jackstiener at your service, Charlie! I saw your thermal reading on my milleomaximeter and I could tell from the subpheroxidone levels that you just had to be that guy Jim was telling me about last week when we chugged back a few glasses of orange juice and watched the Kardashians. I was trying to find one of those killer land-walking dolphins everyone's always been talking about. Did they get to you? Looks like they did. Rough. Well, why don't you just hop through this portal and I'll radio in to my unit and have them fix you up real good."

Jim, but not that Jim, pulled a gun out of his pocket. He aimed it at the floor of the cave and pressed the trigger. A blue circle with a four foot diameter appeared on the ground. He gestured for Charlie to jump through it.

"It's safe, don't worry. I fixed all those issues in the last patch that caused people to incinerate."

Charlie looked at Jim before looking over his shoulder into the dark forest. He could hear the screams of the fae folk, their tauns and jeers, their bloodcurdling howls. He turned back to face Jim.

"Tha-"

"No need to thank me! Just hop on in. You're kind of slowing me down, I'm hunting dolphins you know!"

Charlie simply nodded at the man before stepping into the blue portal on the ground. His body disappeared from sight in a moment. Jim shot the gun again, and the portal disappeared.

The screen suddenly goes black before the camera zooms out to reveal a LG GX Gallery Series OLED television hung on a gray wall. As the camera zooms out further we see two men seated next to each other at a circular desk covered in papers and empty water bottles. The two men sat in cushy office chairs on either side of the oak desk. Charlie and the ginger biyobi assistant turned to face each other as the clip came to an end. The ginger man seemed to be very concerned, but Charlie was as easy-going as ever.

“Do you remember any of this, Charlie?”

Charlie shook his head from side to side while throwing popcorn in his mouth and slurping the Biyobi supplement water down with a neon green bendy straw.

“Nah, I haven’t seen this show before! Pretty fuckin’ good tho, but what’s that pussy running from? He ain’t shit. I can’t wait to see him get murked by whatever the hell is chasing him! He didn't really get away, right?"


The biyobi assistant smiled and nodded as he scribbled a few notes on his clipboard.

"So you don't know anything about the ornate scythe or the ancient trickster?"

"The ornate trickster sounds like a pussy."

"What do you know of the great one?"

"I dunno, the tv said he has a scarf or something in the forest? I don't know man! I'm just watching the fucking TV! Turn it back on! Wait...did you say the great one?"

The ginger man scribbled a few more notes into his pad while ignoring Charlie's question.

"Hey! I'm talking to you, bitch! Don't make me come over there!"

The assistant sighed as they rolled their eyes in annoyance.

"Are you out of biyobi water again, Charlie? There's some down the hall to the left. I'm sure the secretary will be more than happy to get you some if you can't find it."


"Finally, the first useful thing you've said all day!"


Charlie pounded the table before standing up as if to leave. The biyobi assistant looked at him before quickly spitting out his request.

'Woah woah Charlie sit down, please. I got a few questions to ask you. The, uh...producers of the show we were watching wanted me to ask a few follow up questions! You like the sure, didn't you? If you want them to make more of it, they really need your feedback. You're uh, a real important uh, demographic to them. So why don't you sit on down so I can toss a few of their questions your way."

Charlie huffed in annoyance.

"Oh yeah? I've never heard of this show before. What's it even fucking called? Who's making it?"

"Oh the show? What's it called? You're uh, asking ME, uh, the name of the show we just watched? Oh yeah, for sure. The name of the show we were just watching together is....."

The assistant looks around the room, his eyes fixating on the black trash can in the corner before shifting to the windowsill with a small potted plant.

"The show is called Dark Plants! Because it takes place at night, and it's in the black forest, and black is another way of saying dark, or well, dark is a way of communicating something is black, well it's more of a descriptor of bla-"

"This like some of that high class HBO shit?"

The ginger man in the BOB emblazoned polo nodded fervently.

"Oh yep! HBO is one of our clients for sure. They really want your opinion on this pilot episode. Can you sit down and talk to me for a minute? I promise it will be quick."

Charlie begrudgingly sat back into the comfortable chair. He scooted the rolling chair up to the desk so that he was almost reaching across it. His hands and forearms were on the border of the assistants' personal space, and Charlie's beer belly was being pressed in by the edge of the oak desk. His parched throat felt like a parcel of sand trapped under the sun in the Mojave. His pupils were slowly dilating and a slight pounding began to take hold behind his eyes. His belly ached and sweat began to drip down his brow.

"Alright, but be quick, boy! I need some more of that water....and why the fuck are you wearing that polo?"


"I uhhhhh found it a thrift store."


Charlie nodded as the assistant expressed a false smile.

"Makes sense, the head bobbers ain't much of anything ever since ol' Ned and I took their precious championship belts. The only interesting thing that comes out of their mouths is the cum from their last John. Nobody wants to root for a squad full of losers and beta cucks."


The man in the BOB polo was barely able to suppress the sour expression trying to form on his face. A forced smile once again applied itself to his lips.

"Yeah, yeah...for sure. So tell me: have you seen any of the creatures in the show before?"

"I guess I've seen like, fairies in disney movies, and that one Gilbert Del Tarantino movie about the tooth fairy under the stairs."

"Uh huh....and what about that grassy plant creature?"

Charlie shook his head from side to side.

"Nope. Pretty good special effects tho! It looked SO REAL."

The assistant scribbled some notes as Charlie scratched at his arms.

"What about when Warfare went to Germany back in October? Do you remember seeing anything like that?"

"Nah. I didn't go see many local movies or anything, kinda just fucked some hookers and did blow. I think Jim must've gotten some really strong shit tho, because that whole European tour was a bit of a blur back when I was on it. Can't remember much from that wild ride. Man, the shit was crazy. Jim and I traveling across Europe, winning huge matches, fucking whales, and snorting that crazy shit. Well, I don't remember Jim being there, but he's the only person I know that can get shit strong enough to hit me so hard, so he had to have been there too!"

"Great, great, yeah I'm sure it was good fun. I'm not sure if heavy drugs are great for your health, tho, Charlie. We here at Bobby's Personal Help Services just want what's best for you, and hard drugs can have a negative impact on your career. We have specially formulated our Biyobi supplement water to give you all the foreign agents your brain could need."

"Huh? What's you alls name? I think it was some management thing."

"Oh uh well it was, but weee've....rebranded. New CEO, all that jazz. So maybe lay off the drugs. We have some other supplements we can give you if you're needing an extra special fix."

"Eh I've got my drug suppliers, kid. I'm going to keep shootin' snortin' crushin' n' huffin' the shit I shoot snort crush n' huff! I fuck around with the real heavy shit, not any of that foo foo white claw bullshit made for prepubescent white girls. How bout you get me some more of that water tho, bub? Wasn't this shit was supposed to be quick..."

Charlie grumbled as he scooted backwards and folded his arms.

"Alright, alright, I hear you Charlie. I just have a few more questions for you. How much supplement water would you say you drink everyday?"

"Uhhh maybe 15, 20, glasses. Why the hell does HBO care?"

"Hey man, I don't work in television. All I can do is ask the questions our clients send to us. So moving on. How do you feel after watching the program? Any fever? Dry mouth? Sore throat? Headaches? Nightmares?"

"Nah, I don't even have dreams anymore. That water really puts you to sleep when you mix it in with your heroin shot."

"You've been shooting up the supplement water?"

"Yeah, just mix it right up with the yellow dragon and it sends you straight to the other side. Start nodding off immediately, my man. You should try it."

The assistant merely chuckled and shrugged before scribbling a few notes down.

"Just a few more questions. Does the name 'Ramesses' mean anything to you?"

"Yeah that's the bad guy in Prince of Egypt, right? The cunt that was working with the jews to enslave the egyptians or some shit? Real piece of shit motherfucker."

"Exactly right. So tell me Charlie, what do you think of Barney Green?"

"Oh he's one bad apple, that's for sure. They don't call him the Daddy of Violence for no reason. Our match is selling the whole fucking pay per view. No one's buying Snow Job to see Pagey poo and the Duke heiress fight over a vacated belt. They want to see Charlie and Barney fighting on top of the X-tron covered in glass shards! I buried that fat fuck in my promo, but that's just for the clicks, the views, and the headlines. I should like him, you know? Everyone thinks he's kind of like me. Hardcore. An icon the average joe can actually look up to. But.....I still can't bring myself to tolerate him...let alone like him. That motherfucker...I used to watch XWF back in the day, you know? Back when Ned and I were just some indy guys. I'd turn on the XWF and what would I see? Some dude that looks just like me LOSING, but being paid! LOSING! But always being booked! LOSING! But still being cheered by the fans! I guess you could say I was jealous. Resentful.

When I lost in the indys, those same fans would throw half empty soda cans and beer bottles at me. Just enough beer left in the bottle to really pack a punch when it hits you in the eye, you know? Why was Barney cashing those XWF checks and appearing on pay per views when I wasn't? I had a hard climb through the indys, I thought about quitting time and time again. I thought about killing myself even more. Losing, being away from my family, being treated like shit.....it really got to me! And then I'd come home, after a hard week on the road, and turn on the big pay per view. And what would I see in the first few matches before I dozed off from exhaustion? I'd see Barney fuckin' Green, fighting in a match that I should've been in! But I didn't get the chance!

Until I did. And when I FINALLY got my big break, I went for broke. I didn't leave a stone unturned or a skull uncracked. When I FINALLY got my opportunity, I held on firm. I didn't let it slip through my fingers. I went on a winning streak straight out of the gate before headlining my first pay per view and putting on the match of the century. I had to EARN everything I have. But Barney? My god. Everything is handed to him on a single platter? Get embarrassed at High Stakes? Underperform the expectation! It's no problem for Barney! Just fight for the belt one on one a month later! Motherfucker. I don't know why management likes him so much. He's been given EVERYTHING, yet he's managed to take absolutely NOTHING his whole career."


"Let him beat you for the television belt, Charlie."

"Nah he won't beat me for the tv belt. He's a bad boy but even the nastiest bastards can't step to me. I'm the biggest baddest bastard to ever step into the ring, to ever hold the television championship. Barney's a good wrestler, but I'm a GREAT wrestler. I will be a legend one day. So will he beat me? Nah, you can tell HBO he doesn't have a shot in hell."

"'LET Barney defeat you."

"What?"

The ginger assistant reached into his pocket and pulled out a pulsating emerald the size of a dragonfruit.

"Barney Green will defeat you. Szo Vey Almunes Elra-"

"I don't fucking speak hispanic. This a god damned Telemundo HBO? You said this shit would be quick, you're taking for fucking ever. I'm out. Out the door to the left and then to the right, right?"

The ginger assistant sighed as the emerald ceased it's pulsating.

"Yeah."

"Great. Oh, and tell them to send another pallet of the water to my place. I'm almost out!"

Charlie walked out of the door as if he were in a hurry. He scratched the back of his neck before turning to the right and walking down the corridor. The ginger in the BOB polo tossed the emerald onto the desk. He pulled a cellphone out of his pocket and called the only number on his speed dial. He put the phone to his ear and waited an uncomfortable amount of time before the person on the other end picked up.

"I'll be sending you my full report soon, master. The supplement is certainly taking effect, but not as fast as we had projected. I think his large concentration of body fat and clogging arteries may be slowing down the spread of our chemical cocktail. He doesn't report any of the bodily symptoms of the M.C. powder, no dry mouth, no fever, nothing- he isn't even having the initiation dreams. But he is definitely becoming addicted, and goes through withdrawals if he isn't able to consume the water very regularly. And fortunately he seems to have absolutely no memories left from the encounter in the black forest. I promise it will all be in my report, my lord."

"........"

"Yes sir. It will all be in the report."

The phone clicks as the scene ends.