From Ruby’s Go-Pro…

We meet our Super Dear’O on the streets of suburban Chicago. The weather has been, well, very Chicago-like here in the Windy City. But not even the blistering cold can dampen the spirit of the Banana-Lime Blur, who is happily shoveling snow on the sidewalks to create a safe path for all passersby. She’s clad in a thick yellow winter coat, and her head is adorned with a yellow-green pommed hat and trademark mask. People look at her a bit funnily, but that’s mostly because those are the colors of the Green Bay Packers, the football team any true Chicagoan detests to their very core. But Ruby didn’t blame them for that misunderstanding. In fact, she liked their passion, spirit and loyalty… Although she WAS going to ‘forget’ mentioning to anyone that she was headed to Lambeau Field later today. That… would probably not be a good look, even if it was to regain the Anarchy Championship at the XWF’s first PPV event of the new year.

Ruby takes a break from shoveling and points her G-Pro at her face.

Ruby: “Motherflippers, wazzaaaa!! Welcome to CSI: Chicago! Or as I like to call it: the Clean Streets Initiative! Because what, you thought that by ‘clean streets’ I only meant ridding a city of its criminal underbelly? Nuh-uh, my dudes! I also meant it literally! Which is why you find me out here shoveling snow for the lovely people of Chicago. Unfortunately I couldn’t persuade Centy to come, because apparently he’s got ‘business’ to tend to, which between you and me, my flippies, that’s his standard excuse when he tries to get out of stuff he doesn’t really want to do. But that’s fine. After all, even the thought of him warms my heart enough to keep on grinding out here and make sure these people don’t have to worry about breaking their necks when they go get a loaf of bread. Or donuts. Anyway, enough with the sappiness!”

She twirls her snow shovel like a lightsaber and plants it in a heap of snow.

Ruby: “SNOW JAWB! A PPV name that only sounds as dirty as your mind allows it to be, and an event only as flippin’ awesometastic as we’re gonna make it. And trust me, my guys, we’re going to put Anarchy on the MAP! Scratch that, we’re going to put it on the GPS! Who still uses maps these days, right? Just as long as you always have an extra powerbank handy, and paid your network for your data, you’re all set! GOOOOOO providence! Anyway, this match, my guys… Four of our brand’s finest, all of them former or current champions, and yet… Or maybe precisely because of that… It seems like we don’t have a clear cut favorite. I mean, sure, I have the most Anarchy title reigns along with Tula, except that I’ve held it about five times longer in total, but I’m not here to be an obnoxious braggart. Well, Kenzi and I did dominate the polls when it came to fan votes; of course Vinnie was very suspicious that someone accidentally ‘found’ so many votes for me, but he’s been the owner for so long now he just sees politics everywhere. Relax, my guy! You should be proud! Happy! Anarchy is popular! And guess what, that’s because YOU put so much stock in it, and so much faith in our roster. I don’t agree with everything you do, but you clearly know how to make money. I bet Roxy really likes that about you.”

A man passes her by, taking a look at the colors she was wearing and gives her a dirty look in spite of the community service she was providing. Judging from the orange C emblazoned on his scarf, it wasn’t hard to guess why. Ruby holds up her hands.

Ruby: “Don’t worry, sir. Flip Tee Pee! Just a coincidence, I assure you.”

The man seems to relax a bit, and Ruby sighs.

Ruby: “Is this going to be a problem for as long as I live here? I never had this issue in Ottawa or Vancouver… BUT! I shall let them judge me by my actions, not by the colors I’m wearing!”

Ruby continues shoveling snow while she keeps on talking.

Ruby: “Now this is what I call a proper SNOW JOB! To tell you the truth, I find this relaxes me, and I’ll need something to calm my nerves. Funny how after 10 years in the biz you still get the jitters before the big one, eh? And yes, I said ten years. For some reason people think I’m still in my teens! And they always think Centy’s my dad or uncle rather than my boyfriend! I’m thirty! And the dude at the newspaper store tried giving me a lollypop when I came in to buy a comic book! I guess I should see it as a compliment in some way. And as the great pirate Jack Rackham said: ‘To be underestimated… it’s an incredible gift.’

But I’m not underestimating anyone. I’m not going to assume Kenzi doesn’t have her head in the game and put in a lackluster effort. I’m not going to assume Miss Fury will ride her wave of B.O.B. momentum only to arrogantly trip up and cost herself the match. I’m most certainly not going to assume that Tula, the person I’ve been disappointed in the most out of ANYONE on the XWF roster ever, will overplay her Hand and go bust. I’m going to assume they’ll be giving me the match of my life. And I’ll be giving it to them as well!”

Ruby puts the shovel away.

Ruby: “As long as you all remember, my dearies: the world is full of beautiful things. Beautiful people, too! Like you! See you all at Lambeau!”

She waves at the Go-Pro before noticing some angry passing Bears fans giving her evil eyes.

Ruby: “Oh flip. I can explain!”

And the broadcast ends.