Corey Smith reclined in the leather office chair, hastily scrolling through a sample list of interview questions on his phone. His expression is tense, nervous even. He mumbles to himself trying to memorize the various questions. He was also trying to draw inspiration from Lux’s XWF interview with Vincent Lane. It seemed like forever ago...

Vincent Lane stares intently at Lux through a haze of bubble gum flavored vape smoke. So why should I put you on the XWF roster? I’m a female assassin from a war torn post-apocalyptic future trapped in the body of a 17 year old boy. Lane smiles. Bitchin’.

Okay, maybe NOT a representative sample.

Corey let the chair’s pull carry him forward, placing his feet firmly on the floor. The fact was, Dolly was right. Corey did need to put a great deal more thought into this communal haven of his if he wanted it to be a success. Most of all, he needed to stop letting his need to compensate for past wrongs push him into naivete. And that meant a vetting process. Scrutiny. Interviews. But how do you tell someone who’s desperate that they don’t make the cut? Sorry, you’re not Coreytopia material.

What the actual fuck.

Excuse me, sir?

Gerrard was in the doorway, looking his normal prim and proper self. Damn it, did ANYTHING fluster that guy? Maybe he should do the interviews….maybe….

No.

Corey put his phone in front of him, and splayed his hands out on the fine mahogany desk. With a pinched expression, he replies. Yeah?

Your first interview is here, Mr. Smith.

Right.

Gerrard waits a moment, before interjecting. Should I send her in?

Sure. He speaks through gritted teeth.

Very good, sir. He nods and disappears, reappearing a moment later with a dark haired woman who appeared to be in her early 30’s.



And she was pushing a stroller with a baby in it.

Oh God, there’s a baby.

Corey plasters on a smile. Hey, there, I’m Corey. He looks down at his hands, and realized he should probably be extending one for a hand shake. And then he remembered….pandemic....physical distancing. He subtly tried to pretend it was his intention all along to reach up and smooth some of his curls out of his eyes. A noble effort. Also a not particularly convincing one.

Oh, hi! I’m Ronnie. She looks down at the chair in front of her. May I?

Oh, of course! A nervous laugh. That’s what it’s….there for….

Ronnie smiles as she has a seat. Then, bringing the stroller around, she withdraws the infant from it and places it against her chest. Do you mind if I….?

Breast feed?! Corey blurts out. I mean….sure….yeah….if you’re comfortable with it.

Actually, I was just going to ask if you mind if I hold her while we talk.

Fuck. Me. Oh! Of course! Of course. No problem! Corey feels a bead of sweat ticke a pore in his forehead as it pushes its way out. His hand reaches for the phone and he slowly pulls it towards him.

So….

So. Corey smiles. He looks down self consciously at the ostentatious desk. You know, I just realized, the desk? It’s a little much, right?

Ronnie looks confused. I think it’s a very nice desk.

It IS a nice desk. He runs a palm over the surface of it for emphasis. But I feel like...like...it makes this seem too formal. You know?

Well, it IS an interview.

Indeed. Indeed it is.

And we should probably still be six feet apart because….you know…

Right! Right! Corey’s guts cramped up. He flicked the image on the phone with his finger, disclosing it from beneath the lock screen. How about we begin?

Ronnie instinctively sits up straighter, drawing on her own nervous smile. Sure!

So, you have a “plus one”?

Oh, heh, yeah. Her name is Emily. Then, with a start. That’s not a problem is it?

Noooo….noooooo. It’s fine! We LOVE babies! Ronnie seems to relax a bit. So, first question….Corey sneaks a glance at the phone, and then back at Ronnie. What do you think you would bring to this comp-er, community?

Ronnie repositions the baby. It coos slightly but is otherwise silent. An anxious half smile appears. Well, I’m pretty good at gardening. Tomato plants! I grew tomato plants. And I guess I’m pretty good with kids...as you can see.

Corey inclines his head in agreement. Anything else?

My last job, I was a waitress. I was good at not screwing up orders and I could….Ronnie’s smile fades, and she scoffs at herself. God, this is so fucking lame….

I….I’m sorry?

Flustered, Ronnie blurts out, I dont really have any good, discernable skills. I’m probably….casting a glance at the floor….not a good fit.

Corey nods, and takes a deep refueling breath. He flips his phone over, face down. Screw the interview questions. “Who is Ronnie?”

She looks at him askance. I don’t think I….

Don’t sell yourself. Talk to me.Tell me who you are as a person. Tell me what brought you here. Corey finally relaxes, and a genuine smile appears. Tell me a story.

Um….heh...She lets out a breathy brittle laugh and smooths some hair away and out of her face. Well….I….I’ve been staying at my Mom’s. With Emily. She lives in a mobile home. It’s cramped, and we’ve both been sleeping on a pull out. There’s really no where to fit the crib and every night I fall asleep wondering if...She blinks a few times, her eyes glisten….if this is the night she gets strong enough to roll herself onto the floor. She clears her throat, and it’s obvious she’s a floodgates holding back a tidal wave of history. My mom is not an easy woman. She doesn’t want us there. I think she wants to move us out so she can move her new boyfriend in. Her clipped tone bespeaks a lifetime of being second place. He drinks. And get’s nasty. She knows how to pick ‘em. But then again, so do I. There’s an edge of bitter reproach there. She looks like she’s struggling to continue. Corey senses it.

Look, if it’s too hard to talk about….

No. No. I think you deserve the whole story. It’s the least I can give you. Aside from tomato plants. Another tense chuckle, but this one at least has a tinge of true levity in it. I was getting away from my boyfriend. He...he hit me. A lot. A brief pause. It wasn’t always that way, but now, looking back on it, I should have seen him getting bolder over time. Sticking a toe in the water, testing my temperature. Seeing how far he could push me, how much shit I’d eat before I said no more, I….I’m sorry….

It’s fine.

After a deep swallow, she proceeds. I decided she deserved better. Better than him. Better than a homeless shelter. Certainly better than the streets. But my time at my mom’s is getting pretty bad too. And then I saw your flyer. And I have to admit, I was very skeptical. I thought to myself, “this sounds like some Manson family shit.”

They both laugh.

I mean….no offense!

It DOES sounds like some Manson family shit. But I swear to God, I will never try to get you to kill a B-list celebrity.

Damn. I was kind of hoping to bag a Kardashian.

That was what they needed. Now, with both their true personalities percolating to the surface, the tension in the room is dialed down immeasurably. They both laugh, and Corey points at her. Ok, you’re alright. As the laughter draws down, he pulls on a more somber mien. But, I hear you. You’ve been through the ringer. And you just want somewhere to go where your very first thought isn’t panic when you get up in the morning.

Until I can plan my next move. Ronnie concludes, a resoluteness entering her voice that was lacking before.

But no hurry. Corey raps his knuckles on the table. But one last question!

Sure! She looks game.

Corey narrows his eyes at her playfully. Who is your favorite XWF wrestler?

Ronnie’s expression goes blank. What’s an XWF?

UGGGHHHHHHH!

She holds her hands up placatingy. Kidding….kidding!

So who is it?! He leans forward excitedly.

James Raven. Mmmmmmm. She hums lustily.

Leaning back in his chair, Corey throws his arms up. Well, you were doing good ‘till then. Sorry Ronnie, but I don’t think this is gonna work out.

Damn, I guess it’s back to that Russian prostitution ring where they cut out your tongue. Ronnie’s not missing a beat.

Corey whistles. Dark.

So am I in?

Corey nods. You’re in. And that is the quietest baby I have EVER seen!

I know, isn’t she wonderful! Ronnie rubs Emily’s back. You want to hold her?

The young man stops short, his confidence ebbing. I don’t want to break her.

Babies aren’t THAT breakable.

I’m terrified.

Ronnie laughs. Alright, I won’t force her on you.

Just then, entering Stage: uh, Door, comes Dolly Waters. With a slick looking tablet in hand, she doesn’t even look up from the screen as she walks right up to them. Alright, so she’s got no priors and all the addresses seem to match up. Reference checks were a bit spotty but I think we can work with it. She finally looks up at Ronnie. And, all things considered, your credit score is FANTASTIC.

Ronnie spins about in her chair, looking two parts confused and one part irked. Wait, did you guys run a background check on me?

Corey scratches the back of his head awkwardly. Hey Dolly, maybe we could have talked about all that stuff AFTER?

Oh. My bad.

How did you even get all that? I didn’t even fill out any paperwork!

Trade secret? She offers hopefully.

Okay, okay! Corey looks at Ronnie pleadingly. I’m sorry! It’s just that, we’re being very, very thorough. For everybody’s safety. I don’t wanna fuck this up. Again.

Ronnie sighs away some irritation. She holds Emily close, continuing to pat her back. I’ll let it slide.

Yes! You won’t regret it! Corey pops out of his seat. Welcome to the show!

Later. Much later. No, even later than that. LATER! So late it’s….. XWF: 2067!

Your view is cropped in on Dolly Waters and Corey Smith behind an announcer’s desk. However, you’re struck by the fact that there’s a sort of artificial “otherness” to them, a subtle “Uncanny Valley-esque” kind of unrealness there. Both Corey and Dolly’s coifs seem like swoops of artificial woven fibers, and their faces are flawless, like an Instagram model run through too many filters.

It’s clear that they’re in an arena, but there’s no sound coming from the audience. The silence is broken when “Dolly” cants her head in a very proscribed fashion and starts to speak.

Hello everyone and welcome back to yet another action packed edition of Wednesday Night Warfare! I’m Dolly Mark III!

And I’m Corey Mark IV! It’s already been an action packed night here tonight, and the fans are going nuts inside their Corona Capsules!

We finally float out over the audience, and each person is housed in an airtight capsule with a clear viewscreen. The fans do indeed seem pumped, shouting and waving their arms inside their environmentally controlled pods, but we can’t actually hear a thing out of them.

And speaking of Corona Capsules, just a reminder that this episode of Warfare is brought to you by AstraZeneca!



”AstraZeneca: We’ll Get It Right This Time, We Swear!”

Corey Mark IV puts a hand to his headset, his mouth opening in a contrived looking “O” of surprise. Oh wow! Dolly Mark III, I’ve just received word from the back that….

But, Corey’s announcement is interrupted by the sudden onset of Madonna’s “Express Yourself” pouring out of the speakers!



We can only presume the crowd is cheering for the coming of….

Yes! It’s XWF Legend BARNEY GREEN JR.!

The top of the ramp explodes in pyro, and stepping out from it, arms raised in the air triumphantly, comes a somewhat rotund looking figure in a logo’ed “Green Machine” t-shirt!

Barney Green Jr. is clearly just Corey Smith under a great deal of prosthetic enhancements, but the effort is there! A tye die headband holds wild graying hair at bay, and a shaggy beard drips off his prodigious chin! He is also sporting an eyepatch, though on the eye opposite his father’s.

Listen to this capacity crowd!

You still hear nothing. But they do seem excited! Except for one guy, who the camera catches devolving into a fierce coughing fit. One of the coughs produces a gout of blood that splashes on the transparent window. Right before the camera can cut away, you see the floor drop out from under him.

Barney Green Jr saunters to the ring, taking in the deafening gesticulations from the crowd! He takes his dear sweet time getting in the ring, but when he does, the music cuts and he asks for a mic.

Barney smiles wide, taking a moment to drink in the silent adulation, before starting to speak.

Damn it’s great to see you guys….IN THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF EAST WEST VIRGINIA!

Good old Barney, always going for that cheap pop.

Now, I know the Tele-Feeds have been buzzing about good ol’ Barney a lot lately. A lot of rumors and a lot of hubbub for a simple 45 year old son of a garbage man and tranny lover! I love you pops!

Barney points up to the heavens….

...aaaaaand the camera follows his finger to a climate controlled SkyBox where Barney Green Senior is sitting on a throne with a comely transexual prostitute on each knee!

Still can’t believe he’s with us!

Nothing can kill him!

Good ol’ pops and his lady boys! Raises a lot of questions about my conception….but that’s a matter for another time! Because tonight, your favorite NINE TIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION is here to, well, talk about something pretty serious.

He suddenly looks grave, and he casts a glance down at the canvas. Taking a deep breath, he starts up again, but the pain in his eyes is clear. The rumors are true. I AM retiring!

A hushier hush dawns over the, uh, already hushed crowd.

Holy crap! Meltzer Bot 3000 was right!

Ah jeeze! Say it ain’t so, Barney!

Barney goes to the ropes, solemnly patting the top one as his eyes begin to glisten. It wasn’t an easy decision. The XWF means everything to me. Just like it meant everything to Pops. But the time comes in every man’s life when he realizes he’s already passed his prime. And quite frankly, I’ve done it all. He sighs. All those memories. I still remember my first Universal Championship win. Jim Jimson was all hopped up on that recombinant dolphin DNA making him damn near unstoppable. That is until he ran into…..THE GREEN MACHINE!

Another big time un-pop from the crowd.

But I gotta get real here. My body ain’t what it used to be. And I want to spend more time with my wife Anurak…. He smiles warmly as he points out a Thai woman with an Adam’s apple in a front row pod. .....and my children, Barney’s three through twelve, and Barnita, the newest addition to the family!

Ohhhh! I can remember how happy he was when she was “born”.

So in other words, I come to you all with no regrets. And to say “goodbye”. I love you all…

JUST HOLD ON A SECOND! A strained wheezing voice calls out!

What’s going on? Who was that?

That query is answered in short order, as a decrepit old man in an elaborate motorized wheelchair rolls himself out onto the top of the ramp.

Oh my God! Is that….?

It’s James Raven! The XWF hasn’t heard from him in over 20 years! By God we all thought he was dead!

James is also just Corey underneath piles of makeup. As we take a closer look, you see a number of tubes running out from underneath his baggy Polo shirt, each affixed to a separate tank on the back of the chair. Raven himself looks pretty corpse-like, but atop his head is lush brown hair skewed at an unusual angle, clearly a wig.

Back in the ring, Barney Green Jr. is completely floored! Holy shit! THE James Raven? Here?! You were a LEGEND back in the day. My pops told me stories about you all the time!

James’ head sags for a moment, almost like he’s having some difficulty keeping it aloft. Then, willing himself to sit up, he points a gnarled finger at Barney. You’re damn right I’m a legend. Hell,I AM THE XWF.It sounds pretty phlegmy and gross by the time he gets to “XWF”. James clears his throat. But I’m here to offer you the chance of a lifetime, Barney. One last match. WITH ME!

[blue]You can’t deny it, I’m the GOAT! And this match would add nothing short of a touch of the DIVINE to your retirement! That is my gift to you! I AM YOUR GIFT TO YOU! Raven spreads his arms wide theatrically, and the old man fat that now inflicts his underarms waddles prodigiously. He’s clearly waiting for some kind of thunderous reaction. But of course, there isn’t one. He looks around in confusion for a bit.

Barney shuffles a bit awkwardly in the ring, looking like he’s not quite sure what to say. But finally, and looking more than a bit sheepish, he replies. Eh, I think I’m good.

James blinks a few time, not comprehending what he just heard, as though he just listened to a blast of foreign speak he wasn’t familiar with. W-what? He shakes his head and in so doing a thin stream of drool starts to seep out of the corner of his mouth and is ejected, passing through the air like the world’s nastiest streamer. Do you understand what I just said to you? Heh. I don’t think you’re getting it Barney. You see, I am here to help cement your legacy with my own greatness. My own….LEGEND. He again pauses like he’s waiting for a pop, forgetting it never came the last time. I am THE BENCHMARK by which all other XWF talent will be compared, past, present and future. That’s how fucking amazing I am.

Suddenly, one of the tubes running from beneath his shirt comes loose. James doesn’t seem to notice as a brown, muddy liquid starts to pool in his lap.

I am like an angel, coming down from on high, deigning to shine upon you the unearthly awe and power of my wonderousness. To impart to you the secrets of the XWF ancients, to imbue what you leave behind with the patented James Raven seal of approval. You’ll lose the match, naturally, but in the end, people will remember what was most important about the legacy of Barney Green. ME! He pats his chest. ME ME ME, MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! He apes an opera singer as he belts out that last, grandiose “me”.

Suddenly he stops, and takes a few whiffs. What smells like shit? He looks down on his lap.Oh. Then, looking about frantically in shock and embarassment. GOD DAMN IT, WONT ONE OF YOU PLEBIANS TAKE CARE OF THIS!

A female member of the ring crew rushes to Raven’s wheel chair, scurrying out with a wet rag and a bucket. She looks up at Raven tentatively before starting to scrub away at the watery feces that is, by this point, cascading down the front of his slacks.

The LEGACY of James Raven, shall WANT FOR NOTHING! Clean faster, woman! He clears his throat and tries to start again. Where was I….oh yeah……

You know what James, let me cut you off right there. Barney holds a hand up. Now, I get what you’re trying to do. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to respectfully decline. I like my legacy just the way it is.

NOOOO! He howls. Meanwhile, the woman cleaning up his shit looks like she’s gonna hurl! You don’t get it! I...I mean YOU, need this! You….

**URP**

....don’t get to decide to not accept my legacy!

Um, what?

**GAG!**

I am a heavenly being! All that is good, and just, and marketable on a t-shirt, FLOWS FORTH THROUGH….

**WREEEEEETCH!!!!!**

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, VOMIT QUIETER!

The woman starts crawling away on her hands and knees, so overcome from the vile odor she can’t bear it anymore. Then, two men in full Hazmat suits come out from the back. They each clamp down a hand on Raven’s wheelchair.

What is the meaning of this?! Don’t you know who I am! I am James Raven! I am ALL OF CREATION, YOU IMBECILES! Hey….hey!!!

The men start wheeling Raven to the back, leaving a sticky trail of the runs in his wake. All the while, he pumps his feeble limbs. And the last thing you hear before he disappears into the back is….

MY LEGAAAAAAACCCYYYYYYY!

Barney Green Jr. watches as Raven is forcibly removed. Then, with a shrug, he addresses the fans once more. Well that was a thing. Love you all! Deuces! He flashes a peace sign as his music starts up once again. The fans cheer in silence as Barney mounts the turnbuckle, arms raised in triumph one last time.

The shot returns to the announce position. Corey Mark IV is dabbing at some tears in his eyes.

I know, it was an emotional moment.

No, it’s just the stench, making my eyes water…..

Dolly Mark III suddenly looks quizzical. Hey Corey Mark IV, doesn’t all of this feel familiar somehow? I feel like there’s something buried deep within my memory banks, something going all the way back to Dolly Prime…..

Corey Mark IV looks alarmed. He places a hand on top of Dolly Mark III’s hand. Then, plaintively, No, no, no! Shhhhhhhhh! We’re not supposed to talk about the Before Times! You’ll end up like Corey Mark III, staffing the Fuck Dungeons of Supreme Overlord !

Oh! Well, in that case…..don’t adjust your brainwaves, there’s still so much more Wednesday Night Warfare to come! She tries to put on a brave face, but kinda looks like she’s dying inside.

That’s right! Next up, a match over 40 years in the making, as Chris Chaos goes head to head with the Creeping Realization That He SUCKS…..



Your view pulls back to reveal Corey, Dolly, and Ronnie standing in front of a now black screened monitor. Dolly has a remote in her had.

So what did you think?

Ronnie looks flummoxed. You know, when you said “welcome to the show” I didnt think you meant literally. **Sigh** Did it really need all the poop?

Chyeah! Poop is funny!

Mmmmm, I think she’s right. Maybe something a little more highbrow next time?

He shakes his head. Ugh..whatever, man. Corey perks up. I’m starving, let’s go eat! Corey starts to walk out of the shot, with Dolly and Ronnie following just behind.

What’s on the menu?

It’s a freezer full of hot pockets, don’t get your hopes up…..