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Kenzi Grey · (10-07-2020)

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I stared at the booking sheet, my mouth no doubt hanging open like the hanger doors of a large cargo plane as I tried to guess the method behind Vinnie’s madness. Me verses Barney Green? Well, I had my issues with that! Barney couldn’t even pick a fucking brand! What was this floater shit all about? I signed up for Anarchy and became the face of that show because I knew all about commitment! Barney apparently whores himself out to any show that seems in need of a warm body!

Of course, I’d deal with THAT in very short order, just like I dealt with Charlie Nickles. The thing that really had my panties in a twist was the fact that I was dealing with yet ANOTHER ridiculous stipulation. If dealing with sharks one show, and tigers another wasn’t enough, now I was going to be fighting on a…

“DIRIGIBLE! OH, HOW FUN!” I rolled my eyes as Sarah snatched the sheet out of my hands, squinting her red eyes as she stared at it.

“Fun? Really? REALLY?!!” I returned, expressing my displeasure. “I aint fighting on no goddamn hot air balloon!”

“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, Beloved.” She quickly corrected, then went back to staring at the paper. “Besides, it’s a dirigible, not a hot air balloon. My father use to own several. He’d fly us over the blue berry fields in the summer. I’d sneak on a carton of eggs to throw down on the workers below.” The Universal Champion smiled as she reminisced over her juvenile delinquency.

I snatched the paper out of her hand, shocking her out of her trance-like state. “You know that Vinnie is hoping that Barney is going to throw me down and crack my head open like one of those eggs, right?”

“It’s Barry, Beloved.” Sarah corrected as she rolled her eyes and gave a dismissive wave of her hand. “Anyway, Vinnie doesn’t want that to happen.”

“And it’s not gonna!” I folded my arms defiantly. “Aint no way in hell that I'm going up there! I’m terrified of heights!”

This time, it was Sarah’s turn to have her mouth hanging open. “You are scared of clowns, water, and now heights! Beloved, you really need to talk to someone about all of these phobias!” She reached for her phone. “I’ll arrange a session with Dr. Reznik. He’ll get-“

I yanked the phone out of her hand. “I am not going to see that fucking quack! I’m just not too keen on heights, okay?!” I plopped down on the couch, folding my arms over my chest as I brooded.

Sarah stared at me for a moment, then leaned down, coming nose to nose with me. “Do you trust me?”

“Of course…” I answered, cautiously. “…but I’m not seeing that idiot doctor of yours.”

Sarah stood back, with a broad smile on her face. “GREAT! I haz idea then!” She reached on her hand, a malevolent look on her face. When I didn’t immediately take it, she waved for me to do so. “Come on! This will be fun…I promise.”

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I scowled as I took her hand. I knew that look…I knew that this wouldn’t end well, but…

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Turns out, I was right.

“AW, HELL TO THE NO!” I screamed as Sarah pulled into the hot air balloon rides park, running up on the curb as she did.

In spite of my protests, Sarah got out of the car and was leading me into the park before I knew what was happening. “Beloved! Fighting Barry will be easy. If I said it once, I said it a thousand times, he’s a jobber! Once we get you over your fear, this match will be a complete squash!”

“Ummmmm.” I tried to protest, but all I could do was wonder why she kept calling him Barry and why she was using triggering and inflammatory terms like ‘jobber’ and ‘squash.’ I was positive that her ‘manager’ was going to be livid, but I was too distracted to call her out.

The next few minutes was a blur of activity as I tried to sneak out, but she dragged me back in. There was haggling over how high and far we’d go. Spoiler Alert, I didn’t want to go high or far! All I kept saying was “no” but they weren’t listening to me!

Instead, I was left standing in the basket, waiting as Sarah argued with the balloon operator, who looked more like the ferryman who was paid to carry the souls of the newly deceased across the river Styx. It was bad enough that Vinnie wanted to have Barry kill me. UGH! I mean Barney…

…now she has me doing it…

But she couldn’t wait for Thursday, she needed to have me fall to my death a day earlier! Well, I wasn’t having any of that! Instead of trying to sneak out the door to get past them, I decided to climb out over the side. Of course, I immediately regretted this as my foot must have struck whatever held the balloon in place. Before I could drop down, the basket was lifting off the platform and I had no choice but to scurry back inside.

“Kenzi? BELOVED!!”

I peered over the side and watched in horror as the ground, ‘Charon’ the Ferryman, and my wife grew further and further away.

…this was not the way I thought I’d die…

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“Barney, I won’t be disrespectful to you, especially if this is the last time anyone hears from me. I am currently freezing my ass off in a hot air balloon somewhere over God knows where! But…I wanted to apologize to you for my wife being disrespectful to you and Vinnie setting you up to die at my hands on Anarchy. Current circumstances would lead me to believe that I'll miss our match on Anarchy, but…if I don’t…you can bet on getting thrown off my show…for good!”

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