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Tula Kealiʻi · (10-07-2020)

"Blyat! This disgusting!"

Traveling around the forgotten place of America with Boris has given me a new appreciation for the hardworking men and women who live in some of these areas. For most of the country, these remote parts of the country don't exist - and if they do, they're filled with nothing more than cows and methamphetamines.

But Boris and I, we have seen run down bars, gas stations that haven't been updated since the Great Depression, and tiny diners with some of the most amazing food on the planet. And now, we are sampling the local sweet treats.

Boris and I have stopped in a tiny town known as Emporium in Pennsylvania. It's our final stop before we head into New Jersey for Thursday Night Anarchy. On our way through this village, we noticed a small ice cream shop - one that is still open, despite the colder weather and the leaves changing color. So, we decided to stop. And that is what is causing Boris to have this minor fit of his.

"I told you, "rum raisin" doesn't actually have any rum in it."

"Then what is the point cyka! Is like "non-alcohol" beer. This not beer at all - is just flavored water!"

I don't know what to tell him. My lemon ice cream tastes perfectly fine. Of course, it's that artificial kind of lemon that you KNOW is probably not real lemon, but hey, it's still good.

I step away from the stand as Boris continues to eat what he clearly dislikes, and I take a look around at the scenery. It's quiet - ridiculously quiet. The small amount of houses that are in the area have large lawns, all of which are covered in leaves. Beyond the houses is just miles of brightly colored forest. As I take a deep breath and breath in air that is mostly untouched by human civilization, I come to the conclusion that I could easily live in a place like this...

...then I glance down the road and see a house with 10 Trump signs and a Trump flag on the flag pole, flying above the American flag, which is a stark reminder as to why I don't live here.

"Good friend Tulip, what are you looking at?"

"Nothing in particular. Just...listen."

Boris looks around, and the two of us just stand there in silence. After a few seconds, Boris breaks the silence.

"I don't hear anything blin."

"Exactly. How often can you just stand and enjoy silence? I've gone through city after city, and it's so loud you almost become numb to it. It isn't until you hear nothing at all that you forget just how much noise pollution there is. Is it silent in Slovakia, Boris?"

Boris takes a spoonful of ice cream and eats it through his mask in a weird voodoo way that I can't fucking explain before he answers my question.

"Not anymore. City streets very busy, mostly with tourists blin. Aye, but when Boris was a young Gopnik, there was a silence of death. Boris was in Yugoslavia in middle of 1990's. Barbaric civil war. Fights on streets all day blin. But sometimes, there is no fighting. There just silence. Is almost like all life was gone. This took place after Czechoslovakia break up. Many Slavs go to Yugoslavia to help. We not prepared for things we see blin."

And just like that, Boris takes another spoonful of ice cream. He had never mentioned to me his experience in war. Perhaps this is why Boris and I are able to get along so well, despite our...well, differences. We have both seen the tremendous consequences of war first hand. Shit like that changes you.

"Sorry to hear that, Boris."

"Is no problem. Boris was happy to help. Much like Boris is happy to help Good Friend Tulip now. And how he will help Superhero Ruben and Vegan Valentine on Anchor."

Ruben and Vegan Valentine? Those are new ones.

"Aren't you a bit...concerned? We haven't exactly been successful against BOB lately."

"Is this supposed to worry Boris? Do you think Boris gave up after first time he try cooking with chainsaw and nearly cut off own foot?"

"Cooking with a..."

"Of course not! This because Slavs do not give up blin! The Bob, they can win hundred matches, but they will never truly defeat Boris. Bob can kill Boris, and Boris will haunt dreams blin. This is how Gopniks do it."

"You're persistent, that's for sure."

"Boris is tired of hearing The Bob say bad things about him and Good Friend Tulip. Monkey Osmond does not take seriously. Rubby Burton does not take seriously. Miss Furry think she in charge of Anchor, and Tinder Nickels is still mad Boris beat him in boat race."

"It's not like we've provided them a lot of reasons to think we're a threat to them lately. I won my last match, but it wasn't without working my ass off. And you..."

"Boris poured iced coffee on Bambi Louden! Biggest win of Boris career! Is straight to the top from here. The Bob are debils by compare."

I have to hand it to Boris - he sure does put things into perspective for me. There is no depression in Borisland. The man just keeps pushing forward, no matter what happens to him. I wish I could be more like that.

I finish off my ice cream, but before we are able to walk back to our car, a large man in a t-shirt and jeans approaches us. I can't tell if he's a fan or if he's looking for trouble.

"Good afternoon folks."

"Good afternoon."

I very hesitantly respond to the man. I look around to see if he's with anyone else. Seeing that he's alone, I immediately plant my feet. I don't know if we're going to be in for a fight, but I want to be prepared regardless.

"My name is Alex Dorundo. I am an agent with ICE."

Fuck...

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