From Ruby’s (stationary) Go-Pro…

*THUD!* *THUMP!* *WHACK*

We meet up with the Super Dear’O in her apartment, beating the everliving flip out of a punching bag suspended from the ceiling. With fast and furious strikes, she gives it a proper what-for. She’s wearing an oversized SuperCent shirt that’s at least three sizes too big and almost goes up to her knees. Seeing as she’s wearing shorts underneath, it’s quite the comical sight, but there’s nobody, except for everyone watching, to see it.

Her hits are swift and powerful, and she rhythmically punches and sings to the beat of a Vengabvoys classic.

Ruby: “BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! I am the BOBbies doom! Let’s have a match together, my mom will knit a sweater!”

The last part made zero sense of course, but Ruby was more known for her punches than her punchlines. See? Even THAT was a bad joke.

Ruby finished with a high knee and sent the bag swinging. She blocked it as it swung back, planting her foot into the floor. This was going to have to do for now. She took her bottle of water and picked up the GoPro from its tripod before walking over to her living room.

Ruby: “Remember guys, always stay hydrated! Go hydration! Listen to your body, if it’s says you’re thirsty, it’s probably true, so listen to it! Unless it’s the Shawn Warstein kind. In that case, don’t embarrass yourself too much, okay? Oh, and electrolytes. GO nutritional lifestyle!”

Shje fist-pumped and catapulted herself into her couch before turning on the TV.

News anchor: “In foreign news, it has been reported that the Nigerian Civil War between Prince Jones Dimka and Nwanko Yobo is coming to a close, with Dimka having retaken his seat of power, and taken Yobo prisoner. Yobo of course, was known to have ousted Dimka’s father from the throne of Kabunda whilst…”

Ruby smiled as she muted the TV.

Ruby: “Way to go, champ. Knew you could do it.”

She sniffed her armpit and pulled a face.

Ruby: “Ugh, I reek. But such is the smell of hard work, my flippies. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. Still, GO proper hygiene, right? I’ll have a shower in a bit, but first I just wanted to talk to you.

Because I know I’ve been a bit poor. Wrestling wise. Well financially, too. I can’t afford a mansion like Lacklan’s Egg, or a spoopy theme park dungeon like Cataclysm. Or a car that was built after the turn of the Millennium. Anyway, you get my point. All I’m saying is that my in-ring performances have left something to be desired. Sure, Vita chalks it up to the number’s game, you know. Because she’s a good person, and wants to make me feel better. Because she believes in me, and I love her for that. But a true hero rises up to the ocaasion, and goes above and beyond no matter what the odds are. Yes, I lost the Anarchy title. And I can only blame myself for not being good enough. Just like I can only blame myself for the S.O.B.’s defeat at Relentless. My mainest man Cent is a trooper, and a superstar. I let him down. And that, quite honestly, feels quite… dungy. Pardonnez mon français, je vous en prie.”

Ruby sighed, and shook her head.

Ruby: “Still, what’s done is done. In the immortal words of Rafiki, the past can hurt, and you can either run from it, or learn from it. And I’ve learned a lot in recent weeks. I’ve learned that in spite of all of the B.O.B.’s tomfoolery, and all of Cataclysm’s evil shenanigans, there is, in the immortal words of Samwise Gamgee, some good in this world. And that it’s worth fighting for. And I will gladly stand by my good friends Vita, Tula and the Cheeki Breeki One to let the powers of good prevail. We may form an odd pairing, the four of us, but we all have one thing in common: a good heart. One that beats for righteousness. Well, I assume Boris’ does, it’s hard to figure him out sometimes, but if Tula vouches for him, then he’s a-okay in the Banana-Lime Book of Good Kids.

“Some peeps may not believe in us, and it’s easy to understand why. The B.O.B. has quantity on its side, and in this game that counts for a whole flippin’ lot these days. But we have the Anarchy Champ and the best sidekick a hero could hope for. We have a former army ranger, who’s inspired me to keep fighting for what you believe in. And… we have a mad Slav. He’s kind of our Hulk, if you replace gamma radiation with vodka. And then there’s me. I’m not down and out, my lovelies. Bringing Order to Anarchy is a lifelong task. Once achieved, it requires a lot of upkeep. And for all the Brotherhood’s bragging, the Heroes still hold the title and run the A-show. So let them come. Bring the entire Brotherhood of Baddies. Let them recruit everyone they lay eyes on. We won’t stop, not even in the face of obliteration. We will push back and overcome. And even if their numbers are too great, even if their arrows blot out the sun, we will, in the immortal words of Leonidas, never retreat and never surrender. Hit us with your best shot! Because you’re gonna need it.”

Ruby winked and got up from the couch.

Ruby: “Now, about that shower…”

And Ruby cuts off the feed. Obviously. This isn’t a Roxy Cotton promo, we’ve said it a thousand times before. GOOOOOooooOOO get your head out of the gutter!