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Jim "the Jim" Jimson · (10-09-2020)

Previously in: The adventures of Jim Jimson and Charlie Nickles!!

Jim Jimson: “Oh. My. God. We’ve found it. WE’VE FUCKING FOUND IT. After hundreds of years of searching….it’s right below us.”

Charlie: “Huh? Found what? What are you talking about?”

Jim Jimson: “Posadia, the communist, alien, dolphin hub of the universe"

Charlie: “What the fuck is that?”

Jim Jimson: “The motherlode.”

And now, the continuation of:The adventures of Jim Jimson and Charlie Nickles!!

Jim Jimson: Hey! Shut the fuck up Narrator, I can do my own thing, dick!

Charlie: What are you doing?

Jim Jimson: Well, I'm trying to get down to Posadia, but there is this annoying little bitch narrator that won't SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Jim flips off the sky

Charlie: FUCK YOU, NARRATOR! YOU PUSSY LITTLE BITCH! WHY DON’T I COME UP THERE AND THUNDERKNUCKLE YOUR BUTTHOLE? DON’T FUCK WITH JIM RIGHT NOW!

Charlie raises a fist to the sky as a scowl spreads across his face. Jim presses another button on the boat, the boat then transforms into a sleek submarine in the shape of a pinecone. The pinecone shaped speed submarine starts to go underwater, the sub, was an invention of J. Jonah Jimson, to help Jim go underwater quickly and efficiently to hunt down any stragglers.

Jim Jimson: Oh yea.... I probably should have told you, but it's going to be a long time until we get to posadia.

Charlie: How long we talking?

Jim Jimson: Oh you know just, 5 - 9.... hours..

After J. Jonah Jimson made the pinecone "speed" submarine, Jim found out that J. Jonah Jimson is NOT good at designing water vehicles there's a reason why he sticks to writing incriminating articles all about dolphins.

Charlie: Are you kidding me? What are we going to do in this fucking submarine for the next 9 hou-

Jim Jimson: 5 - 9 hours.

Charlie: That's still a long time to just sit in a fucking sub!

Jim Jimson: Don't worry, I got an idea to pass the time, I got this game of monopoly a while back

Jim presses a green button labelled "time waster", a compartment opens under the button, releasing an unopened game of monopoly.

Charlie: That’s not a normal monopoly, what bootleg shit do you have?

Jim looks at the monopoly game more closely, it’s the ThunderKnuckles edition of Monopoly

Jim Jimson: Oh yea.. I bought this at Relentless, they got all kinds of stuff at this little merch stand

Charlie: Are you kidding me? Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Fine, it’s still a monopoly, let's play.

Jim opens the box and places it down and unpacks it, strangely there are only two pieces. A mini TK figurine and a mini Jimmy Figurine.

Jim Jimson: I’m taking the Jimmy

Charlie: Wha? I don’t want to be Thunderknuckles, nobody wants to be him. Come on, he’s your friend, you play as him!

Jim Jimson: Jimmy has Jim in his name, it just makes sense for me to play as him.

Charlie: This is horse shit! Thunderknuckles is a total rat. The kind of guy who wouldn’t last five seconds in the neighborhood I grew up in. He’d roll on his homies to avoid jail time and sell out his own people to rival gangs just for x-bux. That kind of shit doesn’t fly in the parts of town where the money is hard to come by and the people have to struggle for a living. If he came down to Steubenville and tried that sorry scumbag routine of his you’d find a bullet in his head and his body in a ditch just a few days later. Yeah that bullshit of his works when you’ve got the cameras rolling and your security guys standing around the scene, but in the real world? In my world? Rats get their wigs split and their throats cut. Little rich boys playing tough don’t last long off camera. Shit, no wonder he’s the television champion. I’m not fucking playing as him.

Jim Jimson: Woah…. I’ll be Thunder Knuckles. Let’s see, how much money do we start with….I’ll check the manual.

Jim checks the manual

Jim Jimson: Ok… so we take all of the *fake* X-bux and put it in the middle of the board.

Charlie: Okay, done what’s next?

Jim Jimson: The player who chooses ThunderKnuckles gets all the *fake* X-bux in the middle.

Charlie: What? Fuck you! What does it actually say?

Jim Jimson: THAT’S WHAT IT SAYS! “TK gets all the x - bux, to have a better experience playing the game donate your x - bux to ThunderKnuckles.”

Charlie: Are you serious, that’s it? But the manual is massive, hand it over!

Charlie snatches it out of Jimsons hands and finds out that it is a 15 page manual describing ways to donate X-bux to ThunderKnuckles.

Charlie: What a scumbag. You can almost smell the slime seeping out of his unwashed asshole.

Jim Jimson: Wait, you smell that too? That means we’re getting close!

And with an abrupt THUMP!

The monopoly game goes flying as Jim and Charlie stumble backwards. The two of them walk up to a window to investigate.

Charlie: What was that? Did the sub hit something?

Jim Jimson: We're here. We actually made it, that was a perfect landing, we’re just a few kilometres away from Posadia

Charlie: What? You said it'd take 5 - 9 hours. It feels like it’s been a few minutes.

Jim Jimson: Monopoly takes a long time to finish. Now we are about to enter the beehive, be prepared, be on guard

Charlie looks out over the horizon and sees Posadia in the distance.

Charlie: [color=#FFA50] Woah... its massive

Jim Jimson: If my calculations are correct, at least 20 or more dolphins are living in that city and not just normal dolphins, Communist Alien Ones, if you wanna leave this place with your life, you gotta be on your A+++ Game.

Charlie: How are we going to actually get there, you fucking imbecile? We can't exactly breathe underwater, asswipe!

Jim Jimson: Here. It's in this packet

Jim passes Charlie this packet of XXsmall trojans

Charlie: What the fuck are these for?!

Jim snatches the trojans off Charlie and passes him a second packet labelled "7-hour Oxygen" Charlie opens the packet to see a small bottle.

Jim Jimson: Open it and drink it, and you'll have breath for the next 7 hours.

Charlie looks over at Jim with barely subdued anger, but he doesn’t really have any other options at this point. He chugs the contents of the bottle.

Charlie: Now what?

Jim Jimson: Just stand over here and I'll tell you more, oh and don’t play monopoly underwater! I lost a cousin that way.

Jim presses another button and the pinecone starts to elongate, to the size of a pod that Charlie can sit in. Charlie walks over to the pod and sits in it. Jim presses the button again as the pod slams shut and launches Charlie out of the sub, he looks down and then up and realises he's at the bottom of the ocean, Charlie gasps for air, but realises he fine, the 7-hour Oxygen actually worked.

Charlie: WHAT THE HELL! What's the plan, Ji-

?: ¡OH DIOS MÍO! ¡ALEMÁN! Joder, qué le voy a decir a su familia?

Charlie: What the hell is going on!

delfín: ¡TÚ! ¡Qué has hecho! ¿Dónde está tu dueño, patético humanoide?

Charlie starts to bang on the sub, he notices that he steps on a dolphins head, the rest of the body is jammed under the giant pinecone, guess the landing wasn’t so perfect after all.

Charlie: JIM! JIM! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLAN!

The dolphins become tense after hearing the name Jim.

delfín 1: ¡JIM! ¡JIM! ¡DIJO JIM! ¡ESTÁ CON JIM!

The dolphin starts to shift and transform like Animorphs into this half dolphin, half-human freaks of nature. The dolphin hyman start to converge on Charlie with great speed, probably to rape him, until out of nowhere….

Jim: Charile! Charile! ¿A dónde fuiste mi pequeño Charile?

[Image: rA011OL.jpg]

Jim: ¡Ah, sí! ¡Ahí tienes! Hola señor, parece que encontraste a mi mascota humana para mí. ¡Muchas gracias!

delfín 1: ¿Por qué te fuiste de la piña?

Jim: Ah, fuck it

Jim pulls a pistol out of his suit and shoots the dolphin with specially designed aquatic bullets.

BANG BANG BANG

Jim passes Charlie an earpiece as Charlie watches the dolphin bleed out on the ocean floor.

Charlie: What the...

Jim: If you put it in your ear, it lets you speak Spanish!

Charlie places the Spanish earpiece into his ear as he turns away from the dying dolphin.

Charlie: ¿Cómo se si funcionó?

Jim: What are you speaking now?

Charlie gasps as he realises he can speak spanish.

Jim: if you tap it three times it should let you hear Spanish words as English ones. You're going to have to do that, the dolphins of Posadia are all Argentinian.

Jim: All we gotta do is walk in, meet with a
certain whistleblower, they tell us where the dolphins keep the nukes, then we set their nukes off and with that Posadia will be destroyed! Are you ready!

Charlie: Fuck yeah, I am

Charile starts to sike himself up

Charlie: Lets kick some dolphin ass!

Jim: Wait before we get to Posadia, I got to tell you. Your kinda going to have to be my pet, they don't allow humans in if they aren't pets

Jim passes Charlie a collar with a tag attached to it

Jim: It's magnetic, it makes sure the dolphin pet is at least 20km away from the owner, it pretty much stops it from running away, put it on and we will be able to get through Posadia without a hitch.

Charlie: Why don't you just get me in a dolphin suit like yours?

Jim: Where the hell we going to get a dolphin suit, at the bottom of the fucking ocean!

Charlie: Fuck you.... fine.

GATEWAYS OF POSADIA

After walking a few kilometres they finally reach Posadia, they walk in to see the bustling city, dolphins swimming/walking on the pathways, dolphins with children, walking them to dolphin school where they learn the basics of rape, all these dolphins living together in harmony and as one united communist bloc hellbent on dolphin domination.

Charlie: Hey, they have tv!

Jim looks up to notice TVs placed everywhere across the pathways, they are everywhere you look, you can't look away

: Hello my citizens! It is I your grand ruler of Posada, Homero Rómulo Cristalli Frasnelli Posada la Tercera, remember that united as one we are stronger than the humans above us! We have what they will never have. True Communism!

: Now we will return to our regular programming of Johnny Legend matches!

A large cheer can be heard all around Posadia, the dolphins fucking love Johnny Legend

Suddenly every TV across the streets swap over to a Johnny Legend Match from earlier this year

Quote:Adilene Floyd: Hailing from Detroit, Michigan. Weighing in at 225 pounds… Johnny Legend!!!

Johnny Legend appears from behind the curtain in his sleek black robe with "The Last Legend" on the back. The stitching on the back lettering is starting to come loose and some holes in the robe, he raises his arms in the air to a mixed crowd reaction. Sporting a smirk as he struts his way down the ramp, Johnny Legend keeps his distance from the fans as he hopes they don't put any more rips into his cheap robe. He climbs through the ropes and into the ring while his music slowly dies down.

Billy: Johnboy Legend ain't done nothin' these last few months an' now he's got a shot at a title shot.

Chris Avery: Or he was put in this position to ensure Noris Cranley looks strong.

Jim: Oh great.... now this is crap, let's just get going, we'll meet up with the whistleblower and get out of here. Seems like Johnny Legend never was a good wrestler, seems like he just jumps from place to place in hopes of regaining notoriety he apparently once had, but he never does, he's a jobber.

Charlie: But you're a jobber, there's not much of a difference between you and Johnny.

Jim: No! Johnny is Jobber, but he doesn't want to accept it, he wants to be the top guy, but he's not that, so he hides his lack of skills under comedy because if he wasn't a comedy act, people would still laugh at him. At least this way he can act like he's laughing with them, guys like Johnny pjt the term Jobber to shame. I'm a Jobber and I'm proud of it, there is not a single man that can say that they are scared of me, there is not a single champion that thinks they would lose to me, because that's my entire fucking thing! I have spent so long crafting my ultimate jobber status, I am such a jobber, I’m getting into titles for the women’s title, even when my dick is so incredibly massive.

Charlie: Didn’t you give me XXsmall trojans a few minutes ago?

Jim: Those were XXlarge, it’s a misprint on the package, I swear. I am the world greatest jobber, Johnny Legend, he’s just bad, a journeyman like I said before, he’ll be gone in a few months and forgotten about. But the Legend of Jim Jimson, the greatest Heavymetalweight champion? That will live forever.

Jim and Charlie make to a park, Charlie notices the children dolphins racing each other to a tree, he sees their innocent and carefree laughter, Charlie remembers back to a time when he was young, he remembers a time with his father-

Jim: Where the fuck is this dolphin at, the adresses here make no fucking sense!

In frustration, Jim looks around to see if he can spot his informer, but one of the large screens catches his eyes.

Legend staggers back, holding his arm after that clothesline. He approaches Cranley and reaches down with his hurt arm… as Cranley locks him in a kimura lock!

Chris Avery: There's no way he taps! There's just no---

The bell rings. Cranley releases the hold.

Billy: DAFUQ?!

Chris Avery: Did he tap?!

Billy: The ref said yeah!

Jim: WHA! It’s been like a few minutes, how has this guy already tapped out! Even I have more competitive matches than that!

Jim and Charlie notice the beginning of another losing effort from Johnny Legend begin to play on the screens, but the two of them have more important things to be doing than watching reruns of Johnny’s winless tenure in Action Wrestling. Jim looks around before noticing a familiar landmark.

Jim: Ok, if the statue of Trotsky is there, then I know where our whistleblower is! All we need to do is meet with them and get out.

Charlie: Where to?

Jim: The worst place in the city….the gentlefin's club.

Charlie: Great… where is it?

Jim: Oh, right across the road.

Charlie looks around and sees the gentlefin’s club, he looks back to the park and notices the children playing hide and go seek, he looks at gentlefin’s and sees a drunk middle-aged dolphin getting thrown out by security, yelling profanities, just a few dozen meters away from the two schoolchildren carving their names into a rock.

Jim and Charlie walk across the road, they wait to be let in by the bouncers, but they seem to be transfixed one of the TVs showing yet another one of Johnny Legends doomed matches.

Jim: I feel bad for Johnny Legend, I do, he tries and tries, but every single time, he comes up short. Think about it, this run in the XWF has to be the first time he’s been able to win a match in months? years? And now he thinks that he is going to win this tag team match and then he’s going to defeat ThundeKnucks, when he loses the tag team match, he’s going to be crushed, but hold on to a tiny bit of hope, that he still has the title match, his career is still able to be resuscitated, but when he loses to TK, which he will, he’s going to realise that he isn’t going to make it in the XWF, he’ll leave, join a new place and then fall into the same false hopes he has now, that’s what the journeymen does.

The bouncers let out a sigh of sadness the dolphins favourite wrestler, Johnny Legend, lost another match, they let Jim and Charlie into the Gentlefin’s and Jim sees something he never wanted to see. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN

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