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Thaddeus Duke · (09-27-2020)

Starbucks || Downtown Old Saybrook, Connecticut

Collecting my thoughts in Thad’s car, sitting in the parking lot of a Starbucks in downtown Old Saybrook, I begin to wonder if I’m doing the right thing. What I didn’t tell Thaddeus or anyone is that I’m meeting with Garrett Wentworth, the young man that has stolen my comfort and object of my boyfriends desire from me.

In all honesty, part of me is just like ‘go with the flow, see what happens.’ Then another part is like ‘you fucking idiot, run like hell!’ And there’s another part of me that says ‘girl, you’re fucking a 21 year old and he wants to fuck a 19 year old and you’re 30. GROW UP!’ This has a lot of moving parts.

I see Garrett sitting inside. His pink hair tips are hard to miss. I don’t really know what I expect to gain from this meeting. I don’t know Garrett well enough to gauge just how this will pan out. He waves at me with a smile from his table and now I’m locked in. I thought about just backing out and going back home but now he’s seen me and it’s too late. There’s no turning back now. After turning off the car, I head inside and sit across from him, really not knowing where or how to begin.

”I’ve been hoping for this,” Garrett says with a smile. It’s a cute smile.

”Why?” I ask of him, a bit more standoffish than I intended.

”We haven’t had a chance to properly get acquainted.”

”It’s difficult, ya know? You’re the other object of my boyfriends affection.”

”How do you think I feel?” he asks too politely. Almost as if he’s a little angry at me but trying not to seem so. Though he does pose an interesting question. I’ve been so consumed and disgusted by the thought of actually sharing Thad with him that I never really looked through the glass with his eyes. Until relatively recently, he thought Thaddeus was dead. That was his boyfriend that [i[he[/i] mourned for and grieved over.

And here we are almost a year later, Thaddeus is alive and well and found himself in the arms of another person.

WHAT A FUCKING DICK MOVE, THADDEUS!

”Garrett, honestly honey I never considered that,” I answer him, feeling like a total bitch. ”Why do you still love him? I mean after everything...”

”He was a selfish dickhead, I think we can agree on that,” he interrupts with a smirk. ”You see the side of him now, that I saw then. You’re safe with him. And I don’t mean safe from other people or cruelty or anything like that, I mean… just… you feel free. He’s a free spirit and that rubs off.

“It’s invigorating. It’s liberating. It’s… so many things, Liz. You feel fucking amazing and euphoric just being near him.”
He’s entirely right. You don’t really think about it like that in the moment, but when you step out of the box and look at it from outside, he’s perfectly correct. No matter his faults, and there’s a lot, the good far and away outweighs the bad.

”He was the first person that I ever came out to. He wasn’t even aware he liked guys then and even insisted he didn’t. But what he did for me, helping me through the hardest thing I’d ever gone through, being beside me step for step… Liz, he loved me for just being me and I couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough to have him in my life.”

”Then his plane blew up.”

”And I hate him for that, but you know what? I love him far more than I hate him. But I loved him, with all my heart, I did. I still do. He’s back now and Liz, I’m so sorry but I am not letting him go.”

Cute. Loyal. Also kind of a bitch.

Thad has told me but I don’t think I ever really heard him. He has said it wasn’t about sex, it was love. And hearing things from Garrett? Makes me think that yeah, maybe its not about the sex. Strange though, for a 21 year old guy not particularly caring about the sex. Maybe he’s on some other level that we lesser beings just can’t see over the mountain he stands on? I don’t fucking know.

”How do you go from loving him so truly, to him doing what he did, pretending he was dead and allowing you of all people to believe that, but still love him even after all of that?”

Silence. He takes a sip of whatever variety of coffee he’s drinking and looks down at the table.

”When I thought he died, my entire world ended. He made me the best version of myself. Before I met him, I was a conniving piece of shit and that’s a true story. He showed me the light, Liz. He showed me that being me was a fucking gift to the rest of the world. He showed me that my life was valuable too.”

...sounds like Thaddeus.

“All of that was gone when I saw what was left of his plane burning on the sea. I cried myself to sleep every fucking night. I’d wake up in cold sweats having dreamed of him. I never stopped hurting. Not a bit.

“Then I turned on Warfare for the first time in what seemed like ages and there’s this guy named The Collector, wearing a mask and moving so gracefully in the ring and I’ve only seen one person that moved that gracefully and that was Thaddeus.

“And I cried all over again because I knew he was alive. I was relieved that he was alive and well and crushed that for whatever reason, he couldn’t tell me why.”

You’re still a dick, you know.

Garrett might actually love him more than I do. Don’t misunderstand me for a second though, I’m so deeply in love with that man, but the way Garrett sees him is just on some other plateau that’s not even on the map.

”Do you love him?” he asks me. I’m taken aback a little because it just seems like a really stupid question to ask. Of course I do. He’s been the biggest blessing I’ve ever had in my life, if not infuriating and irritating.

”Of course I do,” I answer him, still entirely confused.

”Enough to share him?”

That’s the question, isn’t it?

”That’s so difficult a question...”

”Is it though?” he asks with a smile as he grabs my hand. Garrett has a soft touch and I can see where that might be satisfying in… certain settings. ”He can’t be contained, hun. If you put him in a box it’ll make him miserable and it’ll eventually destroy the love you share. You know him well enough to know that.”

He might be right. Thaddeus hates boxes and hates being categorized by other peoples expectations of what life or in this case, love ought to be. The thought of him though, laying with Garrett and being satisfied in a way that I can’t provide just makes me feel a type of way I can’t explain. He’s a fucking top too, so like, just fuck me in the ass ya know?

I’m in no way anti-gay or homophobic or anything like that. My late sister was a lesbian and it didn’t bother me. Who people love or what they’re attracted to isn’t a choice.

Dammit there it is.

”I know he loves you, Elizabeth. But I love him too. I love him enough to share him in order for him to be happy and for me to be happy. The real question though it seems to me is, are you willing to do the same?”

Before I can think or respond, he gets up from the table and prepares to leave.

”Not to sound like an ass, Liz, but I can play the long game and watch you try and harness him then watch it destroy you both,” he says as he starts for the door. ”But I don’t want that for any of us.

“We can all make this work. Together. You just have to choose it.”

Without another word, he disappears out the door and down the sidewalk. On my way home, all I did was think about how this could possibly work. How would I reconcile the fact that if he’s not in our bed, I know what bed he is in? And I know that his appetite is being satisfied by someone other than me. How does that not bother a person?

I pull the car into the drive and wave at Karen on my way through the gate. As I make my way up the long driveway to the big house, I’m surprisingly calm and a sort of inner peace washes over me. I don’t know that talking to Garrett really accomplished anything but he was right, I do have to decide whether or not I love Thaddeus enough to give him the green light. If I don’t, he’s also right about it likely destroying us both.

After parking the car in front of the doors, I exit and take a deep breath before entering the house. Of course, as he said he would, Thaddeus is sitting cross legged on the floor, waiting.

”A man wants his nooner,” he says mimicking Jaqen H’Ghar with his stupid grin that I can’t help but love and makes me burst into laughter. ”A man was promised a nooner, and a man must receive what was promised.”

”Have you been sitting there the whole time?” I ask through my laughter.

”No, I pee’d once,” he answers. ”Also I played ‘The Show’ with Frankie. He beat me. The little shit!” He wraps his arms around my legs and pulls me down on top of him before he kisses my forehead.

”No nooners in public,” I joke as I lay my head down on his chest.

”Again!?” says Frankie as he walks through the hall toward the kitchen giving us a chuckle.

”Silence, child!

“He knows too much.”

”Nine year olds are more aware today than when you were...” I stop myself from saying something stupid.

”Joke’s on you! I was never nine and I’m still not!”

After the nooner, we lay in bed together and I have to tell him. I don’t like hiding things from him. It’s not that this is some huge deal or anything, but he ought to know what I’ve been up to.

”I met with Garrett this morning when I went out,” I tell him. He looks over at me with a smile. ”What?”

”I was just laying here wondering when you were gonna tell me.”

”Uggghh. Of course he told you.”

”He just said you talked. We didn’t get into specifics.”

I don’t know. I don’t have an answer to this dilemma. I love him and so does Garrett. Thad loves us both. Differently but equally. I don’t know how, but he does. I have to decide, and soon, if I can live life loving him with someone else, or if I can’t. He has this way about him, that brings out the best in people. Despite how we hooked up and the fact that I’m a married woman, he really does bring out the best in me. I love who I am when I’m with him. If I deny him, that will hurt him and us, because I’ve cut off a good deal of his happiness. If I give him the green light… ugh… I don’t even want to think about it.

Why does he insist on making everything difficult?

I said I would have a match on night three and I do. I said I would go undefeated at Relentless, and I will. My wheel is a bit dinged up, there’s no denying that. Chris Chaos is still an unimaginative bitch, there’s no denying that either.

So, why Chris Chaos?

Haven’t I beat him enough?

Haven’t I castrated him enough?

Haven’t I proven time and time again that he’s just not on my level?

I’ll answer number one in a minute. Yes. Ehhh, debatable. Emphatic yes.

So again, why Chris Chaos? Chris finds himself as the number one contender to the Universal title and to be entirely clear about something, he did NOT beat Theo Pryce Friday night. Theo Pryce beat Theo Pryce. So when I beat Chris Chaos tomorrow night, what’s that make me?

Better than the number one contender.

I mean, a lot of people are, but none of them are me. No, I’m not angling for a Universal title shot. But it would interest me a great deal if the fucking catastrophic impossible happened and Chris Chaos somehow ended up with the Universal Championship. I’d be tempted, I’m not gonna lie, to remind the world who beat him two days after he became the number one contender. I’d be tempted to step to the plate with Chaos as Universal Champion… excuse me… I just threw up in my mouth a little bit… And take that from him to. Just like I’ve taken his pride. Just like I’ve taken his self-respect. Just like I’ve taken his belief in himself that he was ever pretty good at this shit.

You know what Chris Chaos reminds me of? The Space Shuttle Challenger. It’s brand new, it’s sleek, it’s fresh and looks great. People are excited to see it. People clamor to get a look as it sits on the launchpad ready to take off. The countdown begins and they fire the engines. The crowd roars with anticipation and the shuttle ascends into the heavens, shooting for the stars. They clap and they cheer at this beautiful new work of art when… suddenly… everything comes to a screeching fucking standstill because that pretty new rocket just blew itself up in the sky.

That’s you Chris.

To a fucking T, that is you.

All of the hype and all of the fanfare and all of the suits behind you and you just couldn’t cut the mustard. You couldn’t handle the pressure of being the top guy on a roster full of Peter Gilmour’s and Mastermind’s. You couldn’t handle it so you imploded on yourself and now you’re a caricature of the man you thought you were.

I always knew better.

You were a fraud the moment I laid eyes on you and I knew it, Chris. So I made it a goal of mine to expose you for what you are. So anytime you feel like you’re climbing the ranks again, I pop in to remind you just where you belong: the bottom of the fucking barrel.

You can shoot off at the mouth saying you have nothing to prove against me. You can rip off Heath Ledger’s Joker and try to make people think you’re crazy. You can tell anyone who will listen that I’m midcard for life, but when I beat you again, what does that mean for you?

Sure, you’ll still be the number one contender being led like a lamb to Sarah Lachlan’s slaughter house where she’ll laugh hysterically at her easiest title defense since Peter Gilmour all the while cashing the big fat check she gets for beating you. But what does it mean, Chris? What does it mean for you when this midcarder that isn’t good enough to matter, your own words Mr. Jackson, beats you yet again? What does it mean, Chris, when you fail to beat me yet again?

If I’m a midcard talent, if I’m not good enough to matter and you lose to me like you always do, what does that say about you?

Clearly that’s not Universal Championship material. Clearly that’s not the top of the card. Clearly that’s not a main event ready competitor and you think you really stand a chance in defeating Sarah? You think you stand a chance at defeating Charlie?

Once again, like you always do, your mouth writes checks that you can’t cash. Yeah it all sounds good to the untrained ear, but when you hold up your words against the facts, they’re nothing more than unsubstantiated, empty claims to make you feel better for sucking the life out of every room you walk into.

Yes, I’m better than you Chris. I always have been and I always will be so if I’m a midcarder man, you gotta be jerkin’ the curtain.

This is kind of a long winded explanation as to why Chaos when the answer is truly and honestly so simple. I chose to face Chris Chaos because I know the very sight of me makes his skin crawl and his blood boil. I chose to face Chaos because I want him to remember where he belongs in the pecking order. I chose Chaos just to beat him again quite simply…

Because I can.

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