Robbie Bourbon versus James Raven.

Let the people call it.

WHEN THE MAN COMES AROUND

Aboard the ship Robbie commandeered/hijacked, we see the assembled Bourbon Men. In battle positions, we see Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, sitting front and center. Beside him is Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, at the helm and ready for what may come. Ash, Robbie's stylist, is seated at a console over Robbie's right shoulder. Guy Fieri, Right mayor of Flavortown, is manning the engineering deck. Buck Ventura, envoy from the Confederation of Planetary Systems, stands at the ready. Robbie is in his captain's chair, regal yet looking pissed and concerned, ready at the command.

Maintain speed.

The crew looks stressed, and perhaps under duress.

We are, bro!

Sir!

Robbie looks at Buck.

Report.

Crew gets lost sometimes, Captain, and it's not within Confederation protocols to...

Continue on course.

Robbie looks intent on the chase as Buck looks bewildered at Robbie's very human response.

Fuck a space slug.

Whoa, Captain!

Buck looks back at Robbie.

Besides binary legged two-armed beings, such as humans, who are the fifth most common species among the galaxies, the most common shape of being in the known Universe is space slug. There are the Gluthkhnorpht, the Palapalabalanaladeledala, the Whoopdeefook, the...

What breed is this prick?

Shnort is a Shnortz!

Are they evil?

Shnort the Shnortz is no indicator, captain, but...

Fuck this Shnort prick!

Do you mean fuck this Shnortz prick or fuck Shnort specifically?

Pretty much!

A channel opens of the big screen in front of Robbie, who looks super pissed but intent. On it we see a giant space slug, much like Jabba the Hutt, only space slug isn't as rare or unique as you'd think since they're way more common than aliens with traits akin to humans only a different color or with extra body parts. Shnort the Shnortz adresses the crew.

Captain Bourbon!

I'm a Motherfucker!

Hahaha, Motherfucker Bourbon! We have your crew member, because among humans she is the rarest specimen, and...

I agree!

With that, Robbie phases off of the bridge of his starship. Suddenly, beside Shnort the Shnortz, we see Robbie, who throws a punch deep into the sluglike body of Shnort and then pulls some kind of organ out!

I ripped your heart out!

The organ drips in Robbie's hand as the crew aboard Shnort the Shnortz ship looks dejected.

That's, uh, actually his anus, captain.

Robbie sniffs it.

Ew.

Yeah, that's pretty gross.

The rest of the Shnortz look in terror. Robbie looks around at them.

Where the fuck is Fuchsia?

One of the Shnortz signals quickly. In short order, Fuchsia is brought to the bridge of the immediately captured ship.

Any other captives we need to know about?

Honey!

Hiya, cupcake.

Robbie holds Fuschia as another body is presented to them by, apparently, one of a bevy of different space slugs in the known Universe.

How many Centaurs are there in the galaxy by the way?

Shnort, still very alive, looks at Robbie.

You mean horse people?

I'm a Clydesdale!

Without an anus, Shnort the Shnortz, who looks a lot like Jabba the Hutt, expires with its head cocking sideways with its tongue sticking out as it goes 'Ugggghhh'.

Ugggghhh.

Captain, the rest of the crew under the command of this space pirate mean you no harm.

Robbie looks around.

I'm too salty for them to deal with.

Robbie then looks past the Shnorts and his eyes go wide.

Holy balls, is that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm a man of the people.

You're the People's G.O.A.T.

The people want a man.

I will give them a sacrifice.

Let me tell all of y'all a story.

Once upon a time, there was a room. From either side, those destined to decide the fates of their people would show up, usually finding nobody else from the other side, often ready to take a stand and be what was needed for the people. A symbol was decided for all from those who walked out of it.

One day, two men walked into the room simultaneously.

They immediately disliked what they saw.

One looked across the room and saw a smart assed prick with skill to spare and he was ready to smile his way through any problem, so long as the conflict hit him directly before anyone else, that was best. He was confident, he was experienced, he had been representing the people for long enough that no threat could shudder him.

The other looked across the room and saw a smart assed prick with strength to spare and he was ready to smile his way through any problem, so long as the conflict hit him directly before anyone else, that was best. He was confident, he was experienced, he had been representing the people for long enough that no threat could shudder him.

We have our history, James. Sordid, sure. Long, maybe. The fans already know what has happened between us. Betrayals, setting up the future, who is an Apex star, who isn't, blah, blah, blah.

Thing is, I have owed you this for too long.

My name is Robbie Bourbon.

The MVP of Warfare.

I've been calling out James for almost two whole years.

For this, that, and other reasons.

The beauty is, at the greatest event in our industry, Relentless, I get to face Jimbo in a Street Fight in the Rose Bowl.

Here's hoping he shows up.

If not, every word he spreads on Twitter is worth a Canadian cent.

Been upgraded to five on the dollar and seen as so worthless the people don't even use them anymore.

I used to respect you, James. So much that I needed to make you a Motherfucker to beat you out of the Motherfuckers to take your title.

Then you joined Apex and ripped my heart out.

Fair play, as far as the people are concerned.

Now they want to know, who is the Man of the People, and who is the People's G.O.A.T.

I reckon, after calling you out enough times, the people will find out.

Not that you're undeserving of such an accolade.

James Raven is a competitor. James Raven is a legend. James Raven is tired of hearing me calling him out here, there, and wherever you are to add my name to the Hall of Legends because I beat one name.

James Raven.

I used to revere you, I used to feel in awe that I was facing someone like James Raven.

Now...

Robbie shakes his head in disappointment.

Now I realize that your legend, as much as it might be earned among some, isn't what I cut it out to be.

Tell the world how unfit I was to be the Universal Champion after breaking your heart.

You didn't try to take it back. Not once. I defended it against Peter. I even defended it against Finn Kuhn. Nobody took the Universal Championship from me until they were ready to hire you on in corporate.

And when the time came, you set up other champions.

You were small, you were petty, and you played kingmaker instead of daring to take the throne for yourself.

Well, here we are, Jimbo.

Again.

I have been calling you out, and I get you.

The People's G.O.A.T., as proclaimed by too many, against the Man of the People, as proclaimed by those you want to belittle.

Here I am.

Here I come.

Your status be damned.

I don't give a shit about who you put in the hall of legends, honestly, I know the people think I belong there, and that's why I called you out.

And the people respect the fact I didn't kiss ass or suck dick to get there.