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X-treme Wrestling Federation » ย  » Archives » Relentless Day 3 RP Board 2020
Taint No Thing
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Dick Powers Offline
๐Ÿ†



XWF FanBase:
Singles,

(Physically attractive male on every level; can seduce you; that disarming smile; those bedroom eyes.)


#1
09-18-2020, 09:03 PM


Taint No Thing


Who is hotter than a wildfire in California? Gender reveal = built different, Dick Powers!

Iโ€™m relaxing in a bath you could park a humvee in with more bubbles than the Powerpuff Girls, as I lay in the water I hold a pair of old ass headphones trying to get the kink out of the wire.


โ€Uuugh harder daddy!โ€

I spank it and tug hard to straighten out the wire before tying back my glorious wet hair and placing the headphones over my ears to blast my latest hit single โ€œTaint No Thingโ€. I close my eyes and bop my head to the funky bass, light synth, and melodic Mongolian throat singing as I sing loudly while scrubbing my hairy, ripped chest.

๐…˜๐…ฅ๐…ฎ Baby girl lemme see you drop it loooooooooow!
Now turn your head back real slow,
While I stare at that one ring to drool them alllll~
Iโ€™m aiming for the rim, all Dick, no ball.๐…˜๐…ฅ๐…ฎ

๐…˜๐…ฅ๐…ฎ No need for lube I spit as I do on the mic,
Iโ€™m goinโ€™ off-road, gonna need my dirtbike!
Welcome to the doctorโ€™s now this might sting,
You asked me to do this now it taint no thing!๐…˜๐…ฅ๐…ฎ

โ€œDICK!โ€

I quickly remove my headphones as I hear the faint British accent beckon me and the chubby chode Riley Reed, like the pornstar but an ugly man with less armpit hair is standing in the door and greet the pervert with a smile.

"I sure hope this is important, Riley."

"Dick, do you remember when we all died in that plane crash on route to Japan?"

I tilt my head up the sky, it does ring a bell but if I died then I would have read about it in the news.

"No I don't think so."

"Well that's a relief, it must have been some strange dream."

"Must have been, dude!"

I give a smile and nod as Riley pats the door frame and begins to leave before popping his head back in.

"OH! Someone is here to see you."

I pull my Rolex from under the water and check the time but the hands are encrusted with diamonds so it actually doesn't do jack shit. I flip my head back to Riley create a swirl of water that glimmers in the sunlight giving as it cascades down to the floor giving H2O a H2Orgasm.

"She's here already!? But I'm still getting my brunch blowjob!"

A beautiful woman in scuba gear and a mermaid tail bobs her head from under the water to give Riley a quick wave. Riley continues.

"It's a man, Dick!"

I gasp! Before speaking in a low, husky voice.

"Is it El Matador?" I ask with a curl of the 'R'. "He said he couldn't make it due to some worldwide pandemic! That frisky Latino, I knew he wouldn't disappoint. Send him in!"

Riley nods as I usher Ariel out of the bathroom to prepare myself for the most orgasmic bull riding of my life! Now, where did I put my salsa dip and nacho buttplug?

"Richard Pacanowski."

That name thrusts a cock into my heart, and not in a good way. I turn to grab my silk kimono and cover my slippery hog. A thin man with a gaunt face and obviously no time for skincare routines stands at the door wearing an ill-fitting black suit. He looks like a real bitch boy.

"My name is Dick Powers and you have let me down exponentially. You are no Matador, nor are you my Men in Black agent." I look him up and down before turning serious. "... Or did you swap? Did you locate the specimen, Agent T!?"

"I am here because I know your dark secret."

I think for a moment.

"The one where I'm actually Jewish?"

"Darker."

"Shit, you're talking about how I was the last one to see Jeffrey Epstein alive!? I swear I was just there to give him his iPod Shuffle back! I had no idea what he was about, I promise!"

A barely visible smirk crosses his face as he takes a step into the room.

"Darker, Dick."

I drop the facade and tighten my kimono, turning my back at the man in the suit as I glare out the window towards the red sky of LA.

"I see." My tone shifts and my posture sharpens as I clasp my hands behind my back, a bead of sweat dripping from my brow mixing with the rose fragrance of the bathwater. I swallow the lump in my throat. "So you know... The fact that back in 1702 I made a Faustian bargain to retain my youthful looks and vigor until the day I died... Little did I know that day would never come as I was cursed with immortality, watching my friends and loved ones die before my eyes and for what!? No bags under my eyes!? Not a pimple nor wart! I tried to make the most of it, using my talent to write songs but the devil wasn't finished twisting his knife into my wretched heart. Every song I wrote, every sonnet I sew! Twas' credited to another... The likes of Mozart, Beethoven, Milli Vanilli took the glory for MY work! And all I could do was watch... Begging for it to end... It's why sex and drugs are such a vice for me, 'tis my only comfort in the shallow hole that is my long and endless life..."

I hang my head, placing a palm on the window as I hold back the tears. There is silence from behind me.

"I was talking about how you earned a number one contender's shot at Relentless..."

Well fuck...

I spin around with a smile and place my hands on this idiot's shoulders.


"I was rehearsing for a movie!" I shout with zero emotion into his face. "You sure found out my one and only dark and twisted secret that I bribed Vinnie Lane to put me in a good match for my regular pay-per-view appearance."

His eyes dart as he stammers.

"Really odd to practice for a part in the middle of our conversation."

"Real odd that you're still talking about it! HA HA! Can I get you a drink!?"

I grab him real tight by his shoulder and usher him to the master bedroom bar on the third story of my awesome mansion. I stand behind the white plastic bar decked with pink neon, a sign behind reads my one and only rule "fuck all day, fuck all night and be sure to have plenty of refreshments in between." It's quite a large sign, it once fell over and broke 90% of Tilda Swinton's body. As I expertly mix a martini, my new friend takes a seat, adjusting his tie looking around at my lavish sex pit.

"You're a fan of my ivory dildo collection I see?"

"I didn't take you for a poacher..."

"HA! The only thing I poach is eggs." I freeze and wait for a laugh that never comes before going back to serving drinks. "Those were awarded to me by the Himba Tribe in southern Angola. They're a very spiritual and freaky as fuck tribe, I was offered to spend several nights with them and as a gift, they gave me those."

The dude looks at the ivory dildos with confusion before slowly turning back to me.

"So you had sex with them and they were so impressed they gave you various sizes of dildos carved from ivory."

I smile and nod.

"I also got malaria and AIDs so I think they were also an apology gift."

"Oh wow, I'm sorry I didn't know."

"Don't worry man, I got better!" I serve him his martini but nick my finger on a chip in the glass and cut my thumb. "Ow! Sonuvabitch!"

I pass him his drink as it slowly turns red, he stares at it and pushes it aside while I tend to my thumb and enjoy my martini with much delight.

"Anyway Mr. Pacanowski-"

I cut that sassy bitch off right there.

"No, no. DICK POWERS! If you refer to me as that name again I'll feed you to my pet Great White Shark."

"... You have a pet shark?"

"When I became a billionaire I had this wild idea to become a supervillain and try and take over the west coast. Didn't work out, turns out I'm too nice! I had some dude from England show up and try to kill me, one chat later, him and I go go-karting every other weekend. Still have the shark and the volcano lair in Mount St Helens. I could flip it for a great price that Jeff Bezos offered me but I decked the entire place out with a lava lamp theme and whenever I trip acid I like to go there and jack off."

"Okay, you keep sidetracking me. You bribed Vinnie Lane to get a match, this is big news!"

I spit out my beverage with laughter.

"In what world is wrestling BIG news? What world is XWF news!? It's a dungeon where pedophiles and racists fight one another for a fashion accessory! Sure, it's getting better but there's still genital warts at the orgy."

"But it's unethical! You can't use your money to buy your way into a match for a company you don't even work for."

"Unethical? Can't use money!? There is a dude called Autist Septum who walks around with dollar signs around his waist! The old boss used to steal money from charity donations to buy pizza! They have their own fucking currency like an independent state or Disney World! They're corrupt toddlers, dude! Of course, I'm gonna buy my way into a match."

The guy taps his fingers on the bar and ponders for a moment.

"But what about the other wrestlers who work so hard to earn chances like this?"

"Fuck 'em!"

I throw my palm out and rest the martini glass on the bar.

"I watch the show... Scratch that I watch Anarchy and get told about the rest through stock market talk and my manicure by famous ex-wrestler John Samuels."

"I know you're lying because nobody watches Anarchy."

"Okay you got me, but the part about John Samuels is true! You have these big names at the moment who are the good guys fighting trash. Centurion with that award-winning smile despite his horrific middle tooth and predatory ways teaming up with a young girl who dresses like a superhero beating up two old assholes that nobody likes. Sarah Lacklan who is just a delight is going to destroy a possible rapist and criminal to fashion. Then there's Mastermind!"

"..."


"... What about Mastermind?"

"I don't know I wanted a third option and nothing came to me BUT what I'm trying to say is I wanna beat up the bad guy and get the big win!"

"... Hanari Carnes though?"

"Yes he's a talentless dick but he just keeps getting title shots and chances for literally nothing! Stuff just gets handed to this asshole and I bet not one person can recollect a single promo this dude has done outside his close circle. I will stake my entire fortune on that. If he can get into a number one contender's match after being basically absent for the last 3 months, I can buy my way into one! Carnes is bland, boring, and a bitch. If I never stepped in it would be him going into another title match and wasting everyone's time, I'm the blinding neon light that can stop that! I'm the devilishly handsome, thick-dicked mother fucker that could put an end to his monotomous carry-on! I can be a hero! In a singles match where I can shine instead of some multi-man bullshit that gets thrown together last minute, like War Games!"

"It's still not right."

"Who cares what you think, I don't even know your name."

"Call me Mr. White."

I scoff.

"Oh okay Mr. White, you gonna make some meth and uh... Lose your hair? I don't know I never watched Breaking Bad."

"How have you never watched Breaking Bad?"

"I kept wanting to but other things got in the way. Anyway, we were talking about Hanari Carnes..."

"Yes, and?"

"... He's like a tumbleweed! There we go, put that on a t-shirt at the merch stand. Think I'll get a quote of the moment for that? I already won promo of the month! I wanna score a hat-trick when I win star of the month for my performance at Relentless."

I go back to my drink, slowly realizing that it's kicking my ass. Should have gone easy on the breakfast cognac. I squint and look to this so-called Mr. White.

"Why exactly are you here anyway? To complain about me being unfair to the people that punch one another for a living?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked. I work with the IRS and what we've noticed Mr. Powers is that you've been funneling money into XWF under the pretense of buying stocks, matches, and advertising and we're beginning to believe that this just may be you trying to get away with tax fraud."

This piece of shit starts smiling at me as my face drops.

"I see."

I drink the rest of my martini and slam the glass down on the bar.

"Well, Mr. White... Looks like you'll be enjoying my lengthy sentence for tax evasion... [/b]FROM HELL![/b]"

I press a small but sexy red button on the underside of the counter and watch as the barstool this fucking narc is sitting on fly backward into a trapdoor that just opened up behind him. I laugh maniacally as he screams and falls into the water below; I stretch over the bar to witness the slaughter.

"... Wait what the hell where's my shark?"

I keep searching and see it float belly up in the water like a child's first goldfish.

"Aw maaaaan! I knew they didn't do well in captivity but I thought I'd at least get another year out of him. This is so not radical! HEY! Mr. White! Can you just stay in the pool down there!? I'm gonna have my manager come kill you."

I clear my throat.

"Riley?"

I say looking to my right where Riley has been the entire time.

"Yes, Dick?"

"Would you be a lamb and choke the life out of that man in the water down there?"

Riley looks down the hole and back to me.

"Jolly good, Dick!"

Riley pulls off an impressive inward dive from the tuck position and proceeds to murder a man doing his job. As the thrashing of water echoes through the room below, the horrid pleas of mercy whilst Riley shushes him I decide to put my headphones back. "Taint no thing" begins to play as I dance my way out of the bedroom for a snack.

I'm feeling quesadillas for some reason.


๐…˜๐…ฅ๐…ฎ How'd my tongue get down there!?
Sliding between your unnnnnder-wear!
Just use my face like toilet paper, miss!
You got some Hershey's let's add a kiss!๐…˜๐…ฅ๐…ฎ

๐…˜๐…ฅ๐…ฎ In case you couldn't tell, this song's about assplay!
Just wanted to make it clear, have a good day!
I'm gonna beat up a Dominican!
And go on to win a belt, yes that's the plan!๐…˜๐…ฅ๐…ฎ

~Guitar solo and fade to black~


[Image: 0iokh39.png]


Then and Forever
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