One afternoon after playing with my friends, I decided to go on an adventure. I wondered a little too far away from home and ended up getting myself kidnapped by some weird guy who was pretending to be a Ninja Turtle, even though he looked more like a rejected Power Ranger villain. Now I’m locked inside of a cage while that creep watches Rick and Morty reruns upstairs. Fortunately for me, I’ve seen YouTube videos on how to pick locks with nothing but a couple of paper clips, and I have a pocket full of paper clips! My name is…

Billy just so happened to have a few paper clips in his pocket. He quickly straightened one out to try and slide the pins. The other he straightened out and bent in half to double its strength. This one would act as a tensioner.

Billy fumbled with the lock, quickly realizing that watching a YouTube video didn’t make up for lack of experience, but Billy is diligent. He has to be, both his innocence and perhaps even his life are on the line here!

POP!

”YES!” He said in a whispered burst of excitent.

Billy removed the off-brand padlock. These guys really should have invested in a top-quality MasterLock. Billy slowly pushed the door open. The slight creaking of the old hinges whined as he did. Billy paused, scared of making too much noise. He listened to his capture upstairs. It didn’t sound like he had raised any alarms. Billy crawled out of the cage and quickly ducked behind some old boxes as he scanned the room for an escape.

"CRAP!"

It seemed that the only exit was upstairs, but his abductor was upstairs, and who knew how many others were up there with him. It was a dangerous move, but the only one that Billy had. He realized that he either needed to find the courage to walk up those steps and try to sneak past Micheal Graves or wait for Micheal to find him and do God only knows...

"CRAP!"

Billy took a deep breath, trying to work up the courage to do what he knew he needed to do. This situation would be scary for anyone, but Billy was only 12. This was beyond frightening for him. After a moment, and a few more deep breaths, Billy crept out from behind the boxes and made his move for the steps. One by one he slowly, carefully, almost ninja-like moved up the steps. With each step, his heart seemed to race faster. The thought of who or what may be waiting on the other side of that door was…

*CREEEEAAK!*

"CRAP!"

One of the steps let out an awful whine as he stepped on it. Billy stopped in his tracks, frozen by fear. He listened for a moment, fearful that he may have alarmed Graves. Minutes seemed to pass before Billy took his next breath. Maybe Graves didn’t hear him, he wondered. After a few calming breaths, Billy continued up the steps, just a few more. At the top, he reached out for the doorknob, praying that it wasn’t locked. Billy slowly turned it, trying to make as little noise as possible. He opened the door, just a crack at first. He looked out into the room. He couldn’t see the TV, but still heard it playing. No sign of Graves. Another deep breath. Billy pushed the door open further and made his move, but ran into what felt like a brick wall.

As he feared, it was no wall at all, but instead a waiting Micheal Graves. Billy's mind begged for him to run, but his body refused to listen. All that he could do was fearfully stare into evil that lied behind Micheal's eyes.

Micheal Graves: “And where do you think you’re going, little man?” Graves smirked.

"OH FUCK!"

Suddenly Billy snapped out of it! He fell backward, onto his ass, and quickly scurried back down the steps, almost crab-walking as he refused to take his eyes off of Graves until he slipped about halfway down and tumbled to the bottom.

Graves followed him down.

It was very methodical. He took one step at a time, purposely allowing Billy to get a head start on him, knowing that the kid had nowhere to go, no escape. Micheals descent down the stairs was nothing more than a game to him. He seemed to gain pleasure from tormenting this young child.

Billy frantically looked around the room again for any exit, any weapon, any way to try and defend himself from this full-grown and obviously out of his damn mind, mentally deranged man. With Graves nearing the bottom of the steps, and no other option left to him, Billy crawled back into his cage and locked it himself. Micheal, now at the bottom steps, pulled a large key ring from somewhere (he doesn’t have pockets on those spandex pants!) and jingled them with a sadistic smile.

Micheal kneeled down by Billy, resting his arm on the top of the cage.

Micheal Graves: “I told ya already kid, there’s no escaping me.”

At this point, knowing that all hope was pretty much lost, Billy did the only thing that a 12-year-old in this situation really could do, he began crying.

”Please, let me go!”

This made Micheal chuckle with pleasure.

“Sorry kid, but I've got plans for you.”

Billy’s mind raced to all the worst scenarios, but as Graves slipped his tights down around his ankles, it became very apparent what his intentions were!

"I don't want to be molested!" He cried out as he clenched his eyes shut and looked away.

"Hey kid, c'mon, a little help here?"

Billy turned slightly, peeking out of one eye to see Micheal waving his bare ass next to the cage.

"Just reach on up in there and grab my potato, will ya?"

Billy, of course, looked away and began to sob uncontrollably.

"Some help you are, and here I was considering letting you go too!"

Billy peeks out again, this time to see Graves digging in his own ass for his potato. He quickly looked away again before asking,

"Really?"

Some squishy rummagings could be heard for a moment before Graves responded.

POP!

"Nah, just didn't want to get my hands dirty."

Graves stood proudly, staring at the shit covered shit filled condom known as the Golden Potato. It was said to contain the first shit ever shat. Lord knows how this item ever ended up in the procession of Shane , but it was Micheal's now, and he was the first to unlock its true power. Shane thought that this token merely provided a single wish to it's owner, but Graves had found a way to get oh so much more from it. There was just one drawback to using the potato this way.

Billy let out a pathetic whimper as a yellow hue filled the room with blinding light. As the light subsided, you were able to see a faint trail of Billy's soul being absorbed into the potato. Suddenly it glowed with power. Graves seemed delighted as he stared obsessively into his recharged magical trinket before shoving it back into his ass for safekeeping.

"RoBOBert!"

The robotic Robert Main clone stepped out from the shadows. Was he there the entire time?

"Yes sir?"

"Damn it! That's NOT what you call me!"

"Yes Soft Fluffy Graves?"

"Yeah that's right, I know, and I am not amused!"

"Know what Soft Fluffy Graves? I'm afraid I do not understand."

"Doesn't matter, nobody'd ever believe me, just like nobody believes Njal when he says that he's a formidable foe or whatever that fucking nonsense he was speaking was trying to convey."

"You're supposed to intimidate me? Why? Because you gave "The Incredible One" a "run for his money"?

"OHH BOY!"

"I SURE AM SCARED!"

"No, not really."

"See Njal, you talk about me looking past you like that makes me look foolish. I get it, the old eye on the prize mentality. The problem with that, at least when it comes to me, is I don't give two shits about beating you."

"A victory over you means nothing to me!"

"There is no prize!"

"I want competition!"

"You're not it! You're not even to the road to it!

"So no, that doesn't work with me, sorry, but I don't seek to advance in some nonexistent ranking system to chase after some belt, If I want a belt, Ole Gravy will get a shot, always do, eventually. That only leaves bragging rights, but who in the fuck is gonna give a shit if I beat you?"

"Oh hey hey, guess who I beat guys!"

"Damn fool would get ole Gravy smacked around like the idiot I'd be if I tried to make anyone give a fuck about the dipshit who was better off letting his silly do the talking for him! Straight up pal..."

"YOU. DON'T. STAND. A. CHANCE. IN. MY. ASSHOLE. OF. BEATING. ME!"

Graves stares into the camera, breathing heavily, like really sucking wind. He tried to be intimidating with it at first, but it quickly became clear that Graves has some pretty terrible cardio. So, after a painfully long moment, Graves regains his breath enough to continue on.

"Now, allow me to tell you what I do need, Njal, what I do seek in this match, Njal, is to send a message to management, Njal."

"I wish to tell them that I expect competition, and every time that they try to feed me a Njal, I'll make sure give'em a good and proper rub in exchange!

"I'm not sure I understand sir?"

Frustrated by the sudden interruption, Graves snapped back.

"Not for you to get idiot! Now dispose of the damn kid already you cog minded twat!"

Oh, thank God it's over....