Morning dawns at Dyson Manor, and we are treated to the sight of Madison's rainbow rat himself, Tekashi 69 as he sleepily descends an expansive spiral staircase. Clad in boxer briefs featuring a hot blonde snuggling up to his bulge and a silky bathrobe, he wanders into the kitchen.

It takes him a moment to process the fact that a greasy middle aged man wearing naught but yellowed tighty whities and a black bandana is currently helping himself to their milk.



'Sup bro.

The hamster abruptly starts pushing Tekashi's mental wheel into motion again, and he dives behind the kitchen island. He begins wailing plaintively. OHHHHH FUUUCK! Nine Trey finally found me! PLEASE I DON'T WANNA DIE! I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK! I'LL SUCK YOUR DIIIIIIIIIICK!

What the fuck is going on down here?! Madison enters the kitchen, hands on her hips, sans makeup, and wearing a bathrobe, pajama pants, and a “Rest In Power” t-shirt with Chadwick Bozeman's face on it. Her gaze flicks over to SEAN “X-PAC” WALTMAN as he takes a big gulp straight from the milk carton. Oh HELL! Get up Tekashi, it's just another Waltman infestation!

Tekashi peeks up from behind the counter nervously. Wh-what?

Madison scowls. I'll have to call the Orkin man later. UGH!

Waltman finishes the milk and drags a forearm across his lips. This milk tastes like shit. I think it's spoiled.

Well it certainly didn't stop you from finishing it. Madison growls tartly. And it's almond milk, I'm lactose intolerant. Madison moves to the kitchen island, drawing out a stool and swatting Tekashi on the shoulder, prompting him to man up and stop hiding. He too pulls out a stool next to Madison.

Sean throws the empty milk carton back in the fridge and turns about, scratching his nuts and threatening to divulge one of them out of the leg hole. Madison and Tekashi both grimace.

Yo Maddy, you couldn't a told me about this dude before? I told him I'd suck his dick! I'm like 30% gay now, shit!

Madison condescendingly pats Tekashi's hand. Oh hon, you're more than 30%. Don't you remember that house party at Bryan Singer's place?

Tekashi blinks, his expression going blank. No.

Madison winces and pulls her hand away slowly. Maybe it's better that way....

Sean also grabs a stool, and Madison throws her hands up in protest. Could you PLEASE put something down on it before....Sean sits down on the stool, and Madison looks defeated......never mind.

Hey Maddy, was that Mercy I saw out back before? How's she doin'?

Breathing out an exhausted sigh, she responds. Eh, pretty good. She tore her face open, doing this kind of “personal reinvention” thing. And she adopted this blind Mexican kid. So, yeah, not bad.

Oh word? That's cool, that's cool.

Takeshi interjects, looking like he's having a hard time following. So, wait, you been knowin' this dude for a while?

Sean opens the lid on a platter atop the counter and grabs a muffin off of it before Madison can protest again. Then, after taking a hearty bite, Oh yeah, we go way back. He spews sodden chunks of muffin all over the counter as he speaks.

Unfortunately. But yeah, we go back to like 2018 when I got a bad infestation of X-Pac heat from Jenny Myst. It crops back up a couple times a year. He's drawn out by unattended food and drugs mostly.

By the way, I don't know whose weed that was but I smoked it all.

FUCKER! Madison stops Tekashi from lunging across the counter at him. Tekashi relents, and then shakes his head in confusion. None a this makes any sense, Maddy! What's X-Pac heat?

Welllllll....Madison looks directly at the camera. It's been a while, so I'm glad you asked! Madison pulls her glasses out of the pocket of her robe and puts them on to achieve a more scholarly mien. You see, in wrestling there are different kinds of heat. Face heat. Heel heat. And then there's the “kiss of death”: X-Pac heat.

That's me. More muffin spittle everywhere.

Now, some people confuse Heel heat and X-Pac heat. But they're actually two distinct things. Heel heat, like what I used to get before I became a black Democrat and therefore became above reproach, is when fans hate you because you're the bad guy. They hate you because they want to see the good guy triumph over you. In short, they hate you because you're being an effective villain. X-Pac heat, on the other hand, happens when the fans hate you because you're just a shitty performer, or you're way overexposed, or you're just an all around vacuum of entertainment that they simply want to go away. Make sense?

I...think so?

Good! So back in 2018, I pointed out to the world that Jenny Myst has X-Pac heat. Nobody gives a shit about her no matter how how many segments she was in, no matter how much she whored herself out for the cameras MULTIPLE times per show, etc...etc....she just could not get ANYONE to give a shit no matter how hard she tried because she's this generic sexpot mean girl stereotype that no one finds interesting in the slightest.

Uh huh.

Unfortunately, by invoking the very name of X-Pac heat, I became stuck with a Sean Waltman infestation. Hence... she gestures at Sean.

Yo. He points at the muffins. You got any edibles in there?

Please God shut the fuck....suddenly, Madison's eyes go wide as insight strikes. Actually, this is JUST what I need right now! Sean, do you remember my EXACT words from that promo we cut back then?

Of course I do! Sean waves his hands in the air, and the following quote appears above all their heads!

Quote:They just HATE YOU. And they want you to go away. Forever. Because you bring literally nothing to the table. Nobody likes to watch your feuds because each and every one is full of the same dull, boring “Jenny is queen bitch of everything”, “Savage is my playground” and “THIS IS DAH BIG DAWGS YARD” horse shit that never got you or anybody else over EVER.

Huh! Madison leans her face into the palm of her hand, looking up at the words. Boy, does that seem familiar! Now, whyyyyy......oh yeah! Because JENNY IS DOING THE EXACT SAME SHIT NOW THAT SHE WAS DOING TWO YEARS AGO!

Sean draws in a protracted inhale, and the words get sucked into his mouth. And then, he gears up and cuts a nasty thunderous belch which produces the following quote.

Quote:Jenny Myst STILL sucks!

Tekashi holds his nose and swipes the words away, dissipating them. Dude, RANK!

But true! Jenny Myst DOES still suck! Because Jenny Myst has never learned that cardinal rule of performing: “evolution equals entertainment”. Jenny has never been able to adapt and change because she's incapable of it. Moreover, she's so chronically self absorbed that she doesn't even realize how the XWF has evolved past her particular brand of vanilla egomania into whole new flavors. With me back in the mix sporting a new outlook and Sarah Lacklan on the scene, we're holding down the fort on the “art of being an uber bitch”. Meaning her entire presence in the XWF is even more unnecessary than ever because we do HER job leagues better than she does.

Face it Jenny, you're the cut and paste version of people like me and Sarah. You're the COKE ZERO take on “cunt par excellence”. And the fact that you've been utterly ignorant of that fact for over two years shows why you're not respected and never will be.

In fact, your only real defining feature, as tragically hilarious as it was, was your allegiance to Chris Chaos. And you don't even have THAT anymore. Imagine getting your sense of self worth publicly merked by Chris Chaos of all people. Ordinarily I'd say losing Chaos is a net positive, but considering two of your few wins over the last couple years were gifted to you by him, I'd say its an iffy proposition at best. Whiiiiich leads me to my next point!

Madison dramatically spins around on the stool, facing the camera from a whole new angle now. Don't think I didn't hear you crowing at Savage about how you hold two wins over me! I may have been busy evicting Atara Themis from the XWF, but that doesn't mean I don't have a keen ear for your paltry straw man BULLSHIT. So let's add some context to that shall we?

Yeah, you do hold two wins against me. Both of which were over two years ago. But as much as I would love, LOVE, LOVE allowing you to Dunning Kruger your way into a loss against me I am positively AGLOW at the prospect of revealing you to be a dumb, lazy, vacuous skid mark on the panties of the XWF for the one millionth time. Because honey, if you think you're facing the same Madison Dyson you faced back in 2018.....mmmmmmmm....smacks lips......dee-licious.

Dear, sweetheart, pumkin',”flesh dumpster for endless amounts of Chris Chaos' flagella less moron sperm”, 2020's take on the Madison Dyson experience is tits deep in a NINE MATCH WIN STREAK. Check it, the last person who holds a pin fall over me is Lux, and I ripped that bitch right out of that little blond twinkie she was hiding in and stomped her to death. This Madison Dyson won March Madness 2020. This Madison Dyson managed a SECOND Universal Champion. This Madison Dyson is scarier than the combined nightmarish memory of every time your daddy pimped you out to a BO laden trucker in a rest stop shitter.

You see Jenny, since the last time I lost to you, I have been busying myself by achieving excellence. And, side note, even before all that greatness I still saw fit to take the Xtreme championship from you and beat you for the Bombshell title. And as you can see I've only gotten better since then. Think on that and change your pad because I know you just let a little dribble out.

Now let's compare and contrast what I've been doing for the last two years with what you've been doing. And you can go ahead and put away that abacus “a beautiful mind”, I already did the number crunching for you. Since our last match, you have gone exactly 4 and 4, with the majority of those wins happening QUITE some time ago.

First on the docket, you WON against James Raven.

Oh shit, she beat James Raven?! Sean blurts out as he heats up a spoon of meth.

She did! But let's have ourselves a closer look. Because not only was James Raven well into the “I will look at the lights for a few seconds for the cost of a Subway sandwich” stage of his career by this point, but Chris Chaos interfered and handed her the win. She earned nothing.

Next up, she beat Finn Kuhn. Who hasn't? Next.

After that, she and Damon Tyler beat Azrael “most inconsistent former Universal Champion in history” Erebus and some other bitch lost to time. Yawn.

Next up, a long expanse of nothing, transitioning into a “grand return” where she's gone 1 and 4, with the sole victory being against fucking Maverick of all people where....come on guys, take a guess!

Sean suddenly has like 4 needles sticking out of veins in his arms. She uhhhhh...got help from Chris Chaos?

Ding ding ding! Give the lucky winner a can of Narcan!

Oh shit, I think he's gonna need it!

Madison puts her hands out in a conciliatory manner. Now, in the interest of fairness, not all of my nine wins have been against top-tier talent. But you know who I did beat...no, scratch that....you know who I did totally embarrass and dismember in record time that you LOST to?

Atara Themis.

And spare me your pathetic mewling about outside interference, it'll just make you look even weaker. Because the fact is that you were struggling to put Atara away even before all that shit went down, whereas I made her look like dog shit on live television without breaking a sweat! I think even a “bleach blonde who drank the bleach” like you can spot the difference there. Now stiffen that spine because here comes the grand finale.

You've got NOTHING on me, woman. NOTHING! Oh, I'm sure you'll chirp and chortle about being the “Queen of the XWF” all the while I hold up my literal QUEEN OF THE XWF CROWN because you're the intellectual equivalent of a Downsie laughing at cake fart videos until he shits himself. You'll try to remind everyone again how you **whoop** **whoop** beat Maddie twice **whoop** **whoop**, ignoring the fact that ever since then your star has been dropping faster than your panties the moment Atticus offers you a couple minutes of screen time.

Bitch, I been on FUCKIN' FIRE, since you last beat me. But you? You're just spent cinders. I'm gonna ride you hard, put you away wet, and don't even bother to check the nightstand for a fiver because me condescending to let you in MY ring is compensation enough for your sorry broke down ASS.

Madison mimes cocking a shotgun and firing it at the camera!

BOOM! HEAD SHOT!

Madison wheels back around in her seat to face Tekashi and Sean Waltman. Unfortunately, Sean seems to have...expired.

Oh shit, I think this nigga DEAD!

Sean is face down on the counter, now with round about 12 needles sticking out of various collapsed veins. A thin trail of bile trickles out of his lips.

EWWWWWWW! Madison grabs hold of the muffin container lid and uses it to prod Sean's head, pushing him off the counter until he topples to the floor with a wet, meaty, slap sound. Saves me a bill from the exterminator. Too bad he'll just be back next season. UGH.

Yo baby, I gotta ask you somethin' though. Why you still cuttin' a promo on Jenny Myst when you just gonna have to cancel that match too?

Madison puts a loving hand on Tekashi's knee, but her expression screams “shut up, shut up, SHUT UP”. Rainbow Bear, that's a conversation we're going to have to have off camera. She nudges her head in the direction of the all seeing eye in none too subtle fashion.

Oh word. My bad. Then, proceeding obliviously with a blank expression on his face. So did you tell Atticus the real reason you put off the match the first time was 'cuz you're pregnant?

Madison's jaw drops, and she points at the camera.

WOW, YOU'RE PREGNANT?! What a scoop! The camera operator says from off, uh, camera.

Oh damn Maddy you got knocked up?! Sean claws his way back up to the counter.

AHHH!

AHHH!

AHHHHHHH! Sean blinks slowly. Why we screamin'?

We thought you was dead, dawg!

Oh, that's nothin'. He starts removing all the syringes. But damn man, can you picture this bitch being a mom? HAHAHA! That kid is fuckin' BONED, man! Like, there's no fuckin' way the little dingleberry ends up being a normal functioning person at all! Madison is....

Madison unleashes a full can of Raid right in Sean's face. He screams and throws his hands up in the air as he starts to melt. Nooooooooooooooo..... his voice diminishing into a slight squeak of protest until he is nothing more than a soupy puddle of lime green ooze and swallowed condoms full of cocaine.

With an annoyed grunt, Madison slams the can of Raid down on the counter and turns to Tekashi. Well the cat's outta the bag now! Thanks, you stooge! She swats Tekashi. Might as well run the flashback!

FLASHBACK! (About a month ago)

We see Madison and Tekashi sitting in a doctor's office. It's a female doctor, and she's giddy with good news.

Congratulations Ms. Dyson, you are indeed pregnant!

Tekashi fist pumps! Fuck yeah! I always wanted to be a daddy for the ninth time. Maddy, isn't this sweet?!

Madison grips the arm rests of her chair tightly, a tight veneer of a smile plastered on her face. That's....fantastic news. She intones flatly. Hey boo, can you leave the room for a sec? I gotta talk to the doctor about how gross my vagoo is gonna get when I pump this little bundle of joy out and I don't want to break your dick forever.

Tekashi crinkles his nose in disgust. Oh yeah, good idea babe. Catch you later. Tekashi beats a retreat and Madison looks at the doctor once he's gone.

So, am I going to have to stop wrestling?

The doctor nods. Oh, of course. It would put the fetus in serious jeopardy otherwise.

Madison squints and side eyes the doctor. How serious?

The doctor looks a bit confused. Well.....very. You would most likely lose the baby.

Ya huh. So, the kid would be fuckin' doomed, right?

Now the doctor is looking decidedly unsettled. Ms. Dyson, is something the matter?

Madison laughs nervously. Oh no! Hahahaha! Not at all! Heehhhhhh. She taps the arm rests on her seat. So bottom line it, gotta be at least a 99.9% chance the kid bites it if I keep wrestling, right?

The Present

So what happened in the flashback, babe?

Madison smiles brightly. Oh, the doctor guaranteed me the baby would absolutely be fine if I kept wrestling!

Oh word?!

Yep, totally! Madison looks at the camera. No problemo at all! She flashes a dead eyed thumbs up.


To be continued....