From Ruby’s Gopro

Water spouts from an enormous hole, rocketing upwards into the air and spraying itself over a wide distance.

No, not the conclusion of a Roxy Cotton camshow, but rather the start of a completely PG promo, as evidenced by the OG of PG’s presence next to the fascinating natural phenomenon. She is, obviously, staring at the Old Faithful geyser, which will provide the backdrop of her next Anarchy match. Because of course it will.

Ruby: ”I swear, this reminds me of something…”

She then snaps her fingers.

Ruby: ”Ah yes! That gif old Lackersnackers always posts when Kenzi puts up a picture on social media! ”

She shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

Ruby: ”Ah well. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on her. That big ol’ softie is enjoying her three year anniversary, which is like an eternity for most wrestling marriages. But we’re not here to talk about that, are we?”

Ruby casts her eyes downwards for a bit.

Ruby: ”I’ll be perfectly honest, my dear flippies. I’m a bit disappointed in myself. Not because I did what I said I’d do and kicked Atara’s backside four ways from Sundays in spite of all the naysayers and ignoramuses telling me I couldn’t… No, it’s because I haven’t done a very good job repping the XWF elsewhere. See, I won a title at another federation, coming in as an XWF representative. But on my very first defense? I dropped the title. Now I’m not making excuses, the guy I went up against arguably put in the best effort of his entire career and I couldn’t match his fire. Or ice, I guess… But still, I have something to make up for. And lo and behold, opportunity presents itself in the form of another beatdown of the Bobbies! It’s becoming something of a hobby of mine at this point… Like juggling! Or diamond painting! My dad taught me both of those, as well as tumbling. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the Bobbies came into Anarchy with a lot of pomp and circumstance. Yet for all of their boastfulness, they have precious little to show for it, haven’t they? I mean, who did they ever beat?

At these points in time I wish we’d have some sort of Lacklan app where we can just pull up meticulously detailed statistics of anything that’s happened ever, but I will just have to trust my feeling and say that you guys are, at most, the Brotherhood of Being Bad at Winning Wrestling Matches. Granted, BBBWWM doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as the Bobbies. But I’m not here saying you guys should be easily dismissed. After all, you’re not entirely WITHOUT success. But the reason you’ve never broken through and became the powerhouse you imagined in your moist dreams is because you chose to mess with the wrong gal.

Because you can blindside me, sucker punch me, pile on me all you want… But I have the raging flame of justice inside of me, and there’s no Bobby or Fuzzy or Atty that can extinguish it! I think I proved that during the dodgeball comp. So Mickey Greaves… Hey, did you know that I think of you every time I play an RPG on my Xbox and I have to decide what kind of greaves I wear? Anyway, Mickey… Hot-diggity-dog, have you lost momentum or what? Coming into Anarchy, one could swear you were the second coming of God’s own fallen angel, but you’re little more than a cherub struck with a half ha’penny’d attempt at a mild form of high school crush, aren’t you? Basically, gone with the wind. And just like that movie, you should be preceded with a disclaimer. ‘Says a lot but doesn’t do much of anything’. Quite sad.”

Ruby shrugs and moves on.

Ruby: ”But you Bobbies sure are hungry and persistent, I’ll give you that. Some people would say that’s a good thing, but ‘hungry and persistent’ is also something that can be applied to toe fungus, ask Roxy, or Peter shouting his SMD catchphrase. Not sure which one of those is less desirable than the other, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. What I guess it boils down to is that none of you are as competent or awe-inspiring as my taggie Tula. People call me a hero, but she is something else. See, while you guys have been forming your Brotherhood of Baddies, the two of us have been forming something resembling a Sisterhood of Besties. And let me tell you, the SoB beats the BoB any day of the week. And if righteousness conquers wrongfulness, the SoB movement will only grow stronger. If legal justice prevails, and I hope it will, my girl Vita will soon be back at our side. And heck, maybe even my boy Cent will want to forego gender stereotypes like a BAWS and join up! We’re all in this together. But Mickey and Miss Fury? Your time is up. Our time is still here. Anarchy is not letting go of its Order any time soon. Best get with the program because we’re about to turn Yellowstone into Yellow- and Limestone, by virtue of the Banana-Lime Blur!!”

And just as Ruby seems about ready to sign off, the holds a finger up to pause.

Ruby: ”One more thing before I go… Tula? So glad you’re on my team, bud. You’ve been a supporter from day one, and I’ve been looking forward to tagging alongside you ever since. You have my faith, you have my trust, you have everything I need to put my body on the line and win at all costs within the fair rules of engagement. We WILL… Maintain Order on Anarchy! Rubes out.”

And with a dash and a geyser splash, the Banana-Lime Blur disappears as we cut to static.