Ruby: “Dodgeball so hard motherflippers wanna fine me!”

The heroine of our tale shouts as she throws a ball towards the opposing team. She hits a guy twice her size from the blue-and-white-clad team straight in the face. Her own team, sporting a, you guessed it, banana-lime themed outfit cheered as the guy stepped out to go and sulk on the sidelines.

Ruby: “Don’t be sad, my guy. I’ve been training non-stop for this. Now show me what the rest of you got!”

The play resumes, with the ball now in the hands of the team in blue and white. It’s clear everyone is dying to take a shot and eliminate the Anarchy champion, but when one ambitious kid throws the ball at her with all his might, Ruby flips into the air, corkscrews and lands back on her feet unharmed.

Ruby: “Can’t touch this! Dooo do do doo!”

The referee blows his whistle, and Ruby holds up her hands for a small half-time speech.

Ruby: “All right, good job, dudes! Let’s take five and resume, and even though the banana-limers are leading, always remember to be modest and humble. And to the fellas in blue and white, the game isn’t lost just yet! Always believe that you have what it takes to overcome the odds! Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. I was seven when I first played this game, and it was against my own dad. He was constantly dodging my attempts and hitting me with almost every throw he attempted. And when I got annoyed and disappointed in myself, he took me by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes. ‘Ruby, sweetheart,’ he said, ‘I know I’m not making it easy for you, but nobody has ever excelled at anything by taking the easy path. I’m just doing this to make you better.’ And he was right! By testing myself against superior competition, I too got better. And I learned that there’s no shame in coming up short of your goals, the only shame lies in not even trying. Don’t be a quitter. Always go full steam ahead, even if defeat looms on the horizon. Some people just seem to… give up. Don’t be like one of them! I didn’t give up at Leap of Faith until I was a broken mess and Sarah had claimed that briefcase. I knew she was going to be good. I knew she was going to be a near unstoppable wrecking ball. But I still gave 100% of my effort, because honor demanded it. And so must you!”

After the little pep talk, both teams went ahead with their water break whilst Ruby walked on over to the nearest camera. She winked into the lens.

Ruby: “Yo yo, whassup whassuuuuuup! Ish ya gurl the Anarchy and XWF’s Acting Cross-Hemisphere Champ right hurr, bro! But you already knew that. Bet you all got a good look at how I’ve been preparing for this monumental match! I mean, Atara said it herself, this upcoming match is SO huge, that all the people calling us the C-show will have no choice but to eat their words, and I’m so on board with that. The hype surrounding this match has been unreal, with people pledging Team Atty or Team Banana-Lime left and right. Everybody’s looking ahead to what the both of us can do, and I just KNOW Atara won’t let me down and be a dance partner worthy of creating a legendary main event opposite yours truly. I’m SURE she will put her best foot forward and put in a career-defining performance, unlike her sister Osira who so spectacularly failed to take my Anarchy Championship away from me. And fair is fair, she’s done a great job of hyping it up. I mean, that girl just shows her face and the simps and stans come right outta the woodwork, lemme tell ya, declaring their undying fealty! She’s like a mother duck, trotting towards the pond with all of her followers walking in a straight line right behind her. It’s a tad manipulative for my tastes, but she seems to excel at it. So much so that, in the event she SHOULD come up short, I’m pretty sure all of her dodgeball throwing fanboys at ringside will surely leave extremely disappointed, having no choice but to sulk towards the backstage area with their tails between their legs. But I’m sure Atara’s in-ring prowess will fill them with hope to the very end.

“But Team Banana-Lime is coming in hot, my guys! I got the Universal Champ and Centurion throwing balls in my favor! What more can a girl wish for, I ask of you? And I myself have upped my dodging game, as you guys just saw. With a flip and a flop and a flippedy-doo I am completely ready to dodge any balls aimed at my face or other body parts. So yeah, I’ve got a pretty good feeling about the upcoming Thursday. I know I’m not the favorite to win this match, I rarely ever am because people will always love to underestimate me, but maybe I’m lucky and guys like good ole Shawn Fuzzstein will be so busy writing love letters to my opponent that he forgets he’s supposed to throw dodgeballs. But I’m not going to be relying on luck. I’m going to rely on what I do best. Speed, quickness, yes they’re two different things, fearlessness and grit. Because I may just be a tiny Canadian, but I’ve got gonads the size of Saskatchewan, bro. Let them come. Let them take their best shot. It’ll be crazy. It’ll be fun. It’ll be chaotic. But in the end, I will restore order. As I always do.”

She takes a swig of water, wipes the sweat off her brow and turns away from the camera before clapping in her hands.

Ruby: “All righty dudes. Who’s ready for another round??”