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~~1994 Subaru Impreza WRX~~ · (08-03-2020)

**La Cucaracha**

**La Cucaracha**

**La Cucaracha**

“Dammit Noah…. stop pressing the horn!”

“Why not, it’s one of the sickest things on this planet!”

Noah wasn’t wrong there. This Subaru is the definition of what perfection is on the open road, it’s only fitting that all attention be brought on it. Noah pulls the Subaru into the driveway and into the garage. He revs the engine a few times with a smile on his face as Shawn just shakes his head.

“How sick would it be if the Bu’ could talk for itself?”

“Noah I’m glad you said that…”

“What did you do to the Subie?” Noah leaps in the hood of the car and gives it a big hug.

“Well….” Noah looks up at Shawn with puppy dog eyes. “I went to Best Buy again…”

“You didn’t!?”

“Ohh yeah Noah, I did. You wouldn’t believe how far AI has come these days. Our precious Subie can now actually talk for itself…” Shawn pulls out a remote control and shows Noah a switch. Clearly labeled AI-On and AI-Off.

“Can I?”

“Noah I wouldn’t have it any other way…” Shawn tosses the remote over to Noah, who fumbles but eventually catches it before it hits the ground and holds it high in the air like he just won the Super Bowl.

“See and you never even taught me how to play catch!”

“Noah you’re a professional athlete… I would hope you could catch a remote.” Shawn rolls his eyes as Noah slowly slides the button on the remote.

And….

Anddddd…..

Nothing.

Noah looks around and then right at Shawn.

“That’s it?”

“I don’t know….” Shawn leans into the passenger window and looks around the dashboard. “I think we have to ask it a question or something, so go ahead.” Noah holds his hand to his chin and then quickly raises his hand in excitement.

“Subie…. Who owns you?”

Suddenly there is a lot of beeping and what sounds like a mid 90’s modem coming from the interior of the car.

“QUESTION NOT RECOGNIZED PLEASE TRY AGAIN.”

Noah shrugs his shoulders and lets out a deep sigh.

“Subie…. who are the sickest cunts in the world?”

Once again it sounds like a toaster fucking a drill press.

“PLEASE ASK A QUESTION THAT HAS AN ANSWER.”

“STUPID FUCKING CAR! YOU KNOW IT’S US! We are the Sickest Cunts on the planet!” Noah hauls off and kicks the Subaru in the tire and jams his toe. Hopping on one foot Noah turns his attention to Shawn. “I think it’s broken.”

“NOT AS MUCH AS YOUR FOOT YOU BITCH!”

Noah’s expression quickly changes, from pain to surprised.

“DAD!!!! The Subie just called me a bitch!” Noah’s smile grows wide. “It really is a Sick Cunt!!”

“MORE SO THAN EITHER OF YOU! YOU AIN’T ABOUT THIS LIFE!”

The Subaru opens both doors at the same time knocking both of the Sick Cunts to the floor of the garage.

“Dad! What are we gonna do?”

“Well…….” Shawn and Noah both slide across the floor to the front of the garage and look at each other. “We bring him to Vermont.”

“WHAT!? WHY!?”

“Think about it son…” Shawn slowly gets to his feet, and then grabs the remote from the floor. “With those doors deflecting dodgeballs, and plus it’s a great hiding spot for Atty….”

“YEAH PUT HER IN….”

“Shut it Car…. that’s my….”

“SHUT YOUR FACE…. SHE LIKES ME BETTER ANYWAYS.”

Shawn holds up the remote, and switches off the AI.

“That’s enough of that….” Noah quickly gets up in the grill of the car.

“Yeah you cunt… we still control your ass!”

“REALLY?!?”

Suddenly the hood lifts up quickly as Noah barely avoids getting hit in the face.

“Turn it off Cunt!”

“I did!!!” Shawn quickly switches the switch a few times. “It’s not working!”

“I AM BECOME DEATH….”

“Ohhhh Shit he went Oppenheimer on us….” Noah and Shawn both turn tail and head towards the door as the Subaru slowly pulls forward. The door closes just in time, as you can hear Shawn and Noah arguing over what to do next. The Subaru slowly backs up.

“Couple of bitches…. Anyways… Don’t worry Atty I’ll be there for you. Neither one of them will be able to protect you like I can.”

Shawn slowly opens the door and peeks his head in.

“Fuck you you bitch!”

The Subaru quickly pulls forward causing Shawn to slam the door.

“Listen Atty I know that they both mean well, but be honest….. It’s these slick curves and the horsepower that really gets you going….”

Noah this time peeks his head out.

“That’s my Step-Mum you fuck!”

“SHUT IT YOU STUPID CUNT BABY!”

Noah mocks the Subie before shutting the door.

“Atty I’ll be there right by your side, making sure Ruby and her army of misled rejects don’t get the upper hand on you….”

Noah and Shawn both peek through the door.

“And I guess I’ll bring them too… That’s a gift for you.”

**La Cucaracha**

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