Please Login or Register to get full access to the forums.

Lost Password?
Current time: 03-28-2024, 10:55 PM (time should display as Pacific time zone; please contact Admin if it appears to be wrong)                                                                


X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » Leap of Faith 2020 PPV
”Buraddo Purinsesu!”
Author Message
Lacklan Offline
World's best at making murderhobos cry



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
07-25-2020, 11:18 AM



Presenting the House of Lacklan Saga Story of:

Leap of Faith, Part III: ”Buraddo Purinsesu!”




HIIIIII-iiiiiii!

This is your reason for being, the creamy vanilla half of those yummy black and white cookies, Sarah Lacklan-


((the sound of ascending piano notes plays))

-MARKETING GENIUS-

((an inSANE trumpet fanfare follows))

-and I am here today because I have an extra special time to share with all of my Fang Gang! Now, I am aware, WELL aware, that I keep being a cocktease to all of my baby birds with these vlogs, but I don’t mean to, okay? The days of having my phone on 24/7 so that you can check out my fast-paced life on the road with my Beloved are over by way of necessity, okay? But this is an extra special moment, an extra special time, and so I figured I would treat everyone with some direct awesomeness.

In but a few hours, this Blood Princess will be walking into the Saitama Super Arena (NO VACANCY!) to do battle with five other individuals. I will be seeking out a ladder to get up into the rafters and try to locate a briefcase. A briefcase holding the most fucked up, messed up, not fair AT ALL contract in wrestling history: The ability to wrestle the Universal Champion at ANY time, even if they just had a match! That is some seriously fucked up shit, amIright?! Now, WHY am I doing this? WHY am I here? Let’s break that down a little for some of the peanut gallery within this match who either A) are too dumb to give a fuck about who they are facing, or B) too much of an edgelord desperately clinging to the false premise that I’m anything BUT the Queen of Anarchy, the World Class Superstar, the Personification of the Main Event.

Last year, I stomped my booted heels into the halls of the XWF with one purpose: Mama Tournaments needed her sugar. And that sugar came in the form of Donovan Blackwater, the only worthwhile of the bunch, in my opinion, and “Mr. Let’s Give Chris Page Inspiration for Uncreative, Dirivitive Bulshit” Eli James. While there were PLENTY of people within this company who looked at the 5’2” Firestarter and scoffed in those first few weeks, by the time we got to March Madness, there was no doubt at how badly I had thrashed those two first challenges.

And then what happened?

Hey, pay attention to this part, Chris

And THEN what happened?

I actually got serious.

No cellphone videos while driving with Vinnie and Roxy. No visits to Dark Goddess Productions to make fun of the Blackwater bit. Nothing so easygoing. I settled down, dug in my heels, and went OFF on Corey, Dolly, and Game Girl.

Hey, remember those three? I know the Collector does! He had so much of Corey’s junk shoved down his throat that even Roxy had to give props for the gag reflex control! Unfortunately for him, his dreams of Corey/Thad sweet lovin’ had to stay on the pages of his erotic fanfic.

And why is that?

WHAT is that, Page?

Because the guy you want people to think I ran from?

The guy who...in literally no way...wanted to get in the ring with me when he held the Universal championship?

Corey?

The avatar for the warrior from the future sent back to kill Shane ?

The boy who would go on to be infected by the Engineer Virus and BECOME the Engineer?

The guy who NO ONE could beat?

The guy who killed EVERYONE for fucking YEARS?!

THAT guy?

I turned him into a whiny little bitch.

THAT is the reality, Chrissy-poo. You want to talk in platitudes? You want to use cliches? Here’s one of your favorites:

You couldn’t lace Engy’s boots.

And me? I didn’t just BEAT him, I DEMORALIZED him to the point where he whined and cried and whimpered into everyone’s ear that he could about how mean I was. What I did to Mastermind? NOTHING compared to the pussy that Corey became because of me. And he never...never...NEVER wanted to fight me EVER again.

I ran from him?

Bitch, please.

He would have severed his left nut in exchange for me never giving a fuck about him again.

All of that “See ya soon, Corey?” stuff I did at the end of the year? Just a placecard for my attention after I had mentially checked out of the XWF.

Hey! Since you brought it up! Let’s talk about it, yeah?

Fuzz beat me. CLEAN. As a fucking whistle. And that led to the Sick Cunts taking down the 5’2” Mafia. Why?

Me.

Not Kenzi.

ME.

Now, I’m going to trigger Shane again right now if he’s watching this vlog, but at the time? I was the World Champion for the UGWC. Yeah yeah, outlaw mudshow. That’s what you’ve got for that, right? Please. Just ask Centy: The top guys over there (including me!) would take your legendary career, print it on a sheet of Greggo promos, and wipe their ass with it. So, I’m champ there, right? And I was in a BAAAAAD place. Losing streak in this garbage tournament in Japan. Fighting with my Beloved. Fighting with my sister. Fighting with Roxy. Fighting with EVERYONE I loved. And I let it affect me. I let it put me in a place where I couldn’t concentrate. And the 5’2” Mafia got beat because of it.

And so I needed to focus. You know what that’s like, right? When you need to step back, take a breather, and FOCUS. So I did. I declared myself no longer a freelancer. I was going to be exclusive to the company I represented as it’s World Champion. That didn’t just mean no more outside tournaments in Japan, but it also meant no more XWF.

And you know what happened when I left?

When I told Vinnie and Theo “So long and thanks for all the fish?”

People lost their goddamn MINDS.

Just like they did when, five months later, the desire to freelance burned too hot after leaving the UGWC, and I showed up on Anarchy to make sure that B.O.B. stopped taking my job of kicking Ruby in the face super-duper hard.

What happens when YOU leave, Chris?

The Ballad of the Crickets.

What happens when YOU return, Chris?

Pity applause.

THAT is the kind of reaction your legacy garners you, Chris. Yes yes, you’re sad that I went the “not as good as Main” route, but that’s because you didn’t actually LISTEN to what I had to say. Not once did I say that you suck and Main is amazing. In fact, I said nearly the opposite! I think that ANYONE who does the “this guy is carried by that guy” is a moron who doesn't understand team tactics! ANY good team flows through give-and-take. Hell, you sacrificing both your body AND your pride at War Games just to fuck with Fuzz? That was AWESOME! EXACTLY what a team is supposed to do! So shit up about the “not as good as Main” line you WISH I had said and pay attention to what I ACTUALLY said.

Main is great.

You are good.

You like cliches, right?

“Good is the enemy of great.”

You are REALLY GOOD, Chris. Well, I mean, that wasn’t displayed in your most recent promotional video, of course...

FUCK that was bad…

...you didn’t actually SAY anything, ya know? And to sit in a hot tub while sipping some of the bubbly?! Come ON, buddy! Leave that derivative shit to Hanari, man! What’s next? Gonna show up in a light-up jacket? Wear an ascot and bust out a list? Destroy the announcer’s suit and then buy him a new one? You're supposed to be BETTER than that!

Ya know how you cry and whine about how most people throw the “you’re a walking cliche” stuff at you? Ever thought to yourself, “Hey, Self? I wonder if there is fire where the proverbial smoke is? Maybe people say I’m an unimaginative, on-the-nose, Cliche Machine because it’s true!”?

Nah, that would take too much self realization on your part.

N-E-Ways, usually REALLY GOOD! And that has gained you an XWF career that MOST people would be envious of. Not Main, of course. Because great. And not Engy. Because great. And not Fuzz. Because great. Hell, probably not even Mr “I’ll win the Universal Title SOMEDAY” Centy. Because great. But just about everyone else? They likely fawn over how good you are. How you try so hard to please the masses. How you, regardless of if you win or lose, try to please the crowd.

Plenty of admiration from the fellow “good and below” brethren and sistren in the XWF.

Unfortunately, “good” isn’t going to cut it tomorrow. Not even “really good.”

Because I’m in this match, dearie.

Quite a few people have been all kinds of “OMG SARAH WHY ARE YOU HERE” and you have gotten perilously close to that. Light’s truth, I TOLD people why I am here. Literally. First match back. I’m here because the bait was just too tantalizing. The Leap of Faith match, which I didn’t get to do last year, because I was too busy making everyone in the Drezdin Open look like an idiot before I pinned Noah clean in the middle. For the 24/7 briefcase, something I’ve never had. In Tokyo, a city important to wrestling as a whole and to me personally for a variety of reasons. Me, back on the road in Freelancer Mode, with the ability to book myself wherever the hell I wanted.

All too much to pass up.

What about you? Why are YOU in the match? Validation? The chance to prove to the world that you can still go? That these wet-behind-the-ears pups aren’t shit to you? Listen, I totally get the desire to hold all the gold. Your grand dream of Cataclysm holding onto kings full of aces going into the river. I know exactly what it’s like to be part of a group who holds a company in a stranglehold, not by way of manipulation or toxic behavior, but through sheer excellence and a determined chin to not give in. But do you think you can pull it off? Do you think you can stand up next to Main as his equal and win as many matches as him in one night?

I know a thing or two about winning multiple matches in one night within the XWF. In nine months of competition in 2019, I was in 4 pay per view events. Check this:

March Madness: Two matches, two wins (Engy, remember?)

War Games: MVP of my team, but would I have gone on to survive against Main had that been the rules that last year? We’ll never know.

Leap of Faith: Two matches, two wins, from $50k of shoe money to the Anarchy Championship

Relentless: Two matches, two wins. Putting an end to any doubts along my Beloved’s side and then outswimming a helicopter in the moment which broke Vita into pieces.

I know ALL about what it takes to win more than one match in the same night. It takes pacing, understanding, and planning. And from what I’ve seen, the extent of your “strategy” is to repeat yourself, say that you’ll win “just because,” and spend a good chunk of your verbal salvos talking about how awesome your salvos are. For fuck’s sake, Chris, you ACTUALLY said “box with God” to Ruby! Without being ironic! And you’re PROUD of that and want people to COWER in FEAR of your awesomeness?! AND you call your verbal skills “raping” people? God LORD! Sitting there and daring anyone to say that you’ve been phoning it in? Shit, man, you haven’t! This is your BEST! And it’s borderline GILLY!

But, hey, you’ll make up for all of that with blind luck tomorrow, right? Because that’s all you need to get this briefcase? What a SHITTY take, man. You don’t just need LUCK, Chris. You have to be crafty. You have to use guile. You have to sneak, gull, swindle, and STEAL to be the one who gets their hand raised. That takes technique, not luck.

But it’s okay, Chris! Its ALL KINDS of good! Because YOU’RE good, right? You don’t need to have a strategy to win. You don’t have to have actual content instead of repeating yourself to fluff up your time. You don’t have to do anything original. Because you’re REALLY GOOD and are about to “find yourself” in the Alamy Stock Photo Chainsaw Massacre, right?

I can’t WAIT to check THAT piece of art out.

No wonder Main turned into a shitposter.

The Wormtongue to his Theodin is about to become fucking trash.

You’ve been on top because none of the young pups can knock you off your perch?

I’m the bitch to do it.







“Stop checking your tooth.”

“I can’t!”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not!”

“I don’t see any difference.”

“Well, I do!”

Sarah Grey-Lacklan, dressed in a plaid gown with more petticoats than the entire cast of Downton Abbey combined, jabs her finger at her left canine, her nail painted red with tiny black spiderwebs standing out strong in contrast against the pure white background of teeth, moving left and right. She examines her tooth in a magnified vanity mirror, the glass making her mouth seem that of a giant.

“Look! Look! It wiggled!”

Sarah’s odd red eyes widen in horror as a tired, long-suffering sigh comes from behind her. The albino whips around and excitedly points at her tooth.

“LOOK WHAT THAT IDIOT JENNY DID!”

Kenzi Grey-Lacklan, intentionally dressed in a jean skirt and tank top to annoy her wife, sets down her iPad on the hotel bed she is sitting on and looks at Sarah’s teeth.

“It looks the exact same, babe.”

“But-”

“The dentist said there was no damage.”

“Actually-”

“STOP OBSESSING!”

Sarah stomps her foot, the heeled boot giving a muted THUMP! on the carpeted floor, and turns back to the mirror.

“...whatever...I think it’s moved...slightly…”

Behind her, Kenzi shakes her head again.

“Trust me...with how much it cost to drag a dentist out of his bed for an emergency appointment at 2 in the morning…you bet your white butt it’s back to perfect…”

Sarah brings her shoulders up and down with a large intake and outtake of air, but then spins on her heel again.

“Hey! You look over that list of game shows they want me on?”

Kenzi narrows her eyes. “They” were the XWF marketing team. “Game shows” were those weird shows they have in Japan. “Want” is because of marketing for tomorrow’s show.

“Yes...and I don’t like them.”

Sarah cocks her head and raises one of her perfectly-maintained and painstakingly-plucked eyebrows.

“Why not? They sound like fun! And the XWF really appreciates the promotional work of this-”

Sarah puts her hands on her hips, making sure that they jut out JUST RIGHT, and flings back her platinum hair so that it cascades over her shoulders and back.

“-Marketing GENIUS!”

“Oh, they’ll appreciate something, alright…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kenzi gets to her feet and stomps towards the hotel room’s desk and snatches up a piece of paper. After turning to Sarah, she waves it in the air with enough aggression to make it flap and snap.

“Gee! Let me think!”

She holds the paper up before her face.

“‘Human Slip 'n Slide - A middle-aged man, who has been lubed up in Cotton Brand Baby Oil, attempts to slide across a row of young women in their bikinis.’”

“...to be fair, they said I could choose if I wanted to be the slider instead of one of the slidees...”

“NOPE! Next, we have ‘Strip The Girl,’ where you’re supposed to stand behind a wall of blocks, butt ass naked, while some perve tries to bowl the blocks away!”

“...the producer said that the guy wouldn’t be able to knock them all down...probably…”

“NOPE! Oh! How about THIS one?! ‘Money in Bra Game!’ Where you stuff as much much money in your bra as possible and whoever has the most wins!”

“...well, it would make Chris look dumb for his ‘flat chested’ comment…”

“Bitch, you don’t even WEAR a bra!”

“...#FreeTheNipple…”

“NOPE! Those are MINES!”

Kenzi shakes the paper again.

“Why are all of the game shows they want to send you on about you being naked, huh?! Where’s the one about eating spaghetti in a dryer?”

“...I think TK’s doing that one…”

“Or human bowling?”

“...the Blackwaters already got that one covered…”

“What about that ‘Candy or Not Candy?’ one? Where you take a bit of a shoe or some shit and it’s either really a shoe or chocolate that looks like a shoe?”

“...sigh...Robbie Bourbon…”

“What about that prank show? Where they scare people with dinosaur outfits?”

“...nah, I didn’t think to pack my raptor costume. I was the BEST dressed person in that Halloween elimination match!”

“What about-”

“I WANNA RAAB (RAAB!)”

Sarah turns toward her YSL bag and digs out her phone. The face of a man wearing sunglasses that went out of fashion in the 80s, a pink bandana, and long blonde hair smiles up at her.

“It’s Vinnie. Un instant, bien-aimée.

Sarah tosses her hair back and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile...Kenzi was glad to see that the roller skate to the mush from Myst did NOT bring down the value of that smile...and opened her phone.

“This is your meal ticket speaking!”

Several muffled ”Dudes!” can be heard on the other side.

“No, she rejected all of those. You know how full of jelly her belly gets.”

Kenzi not-so-subtely flipped her the bird in response.

“Hmmm. Okay. Lemme ask.”

Sarah covers the speaker of the phone.

“Hey, Beloved? Vinnie says that there’s an opening on ‘Trivia Face-Off.’”

Kenzi’s caramel face brightens at this title.

“Hey, that sounds right up your alley, babe. You know more worthless trivia than anyone I know!”

Sarah nods and smiles.

“I know! Apparently, the winner gets to smash their butt into the face of the loser and-”

“NOPE!”

“He also said that Thad needs a partner on ‘Orgasm Wars’ and-”

“NOPE!”

Sarah rolls her eyes and goes back to her phone.

“Sorry, Vin. Anything else open?”

After a few more muffled ”Dudes!”, Sarah’s face falls.

“No way.”

Kenzi arches an eyebrow and Sarah sighs.

“The only other option is that stupid marshmallow eating-”

“We’ll take it!”

Sarah blinks in surprise as Kenzi leaps up and snatches the phone from her.

“We’ll take it, Vinnie! And I’ll bring ALL of my cameras!”

Sarah lets out the longest, deepest, most resigned sigh of her life.




Hey, Gage! How are you? Handle that flight okay?

Can I ask you a question?

What’s it like to be a caricature?

So, let me get this straight:

Your bit is “angry black guy”

And that is, like, literally it

Someone questions your ability.

“thAt’s rAcIst!”

Someone says they are better than you

“thAt’s rAcIst!”

Someone thinks that you don’t belong at this level

“thAt’s rAcIst!”

Someone says that you need polish

“thAt’s rAcIst!”

Someone points out your...hmm...let's go with “less than great” command of proper syntax and word usage.

“thAt’s rAcIst!”

Heh…”less than great.” Your ability to speak and make sense for longer than a minute is Level: Chris Page

“thAt’s rAcIst!”

Listen, I-

“thAt’s rAcIst!”

Okay now, I-

“yOU cuckEd yOUr hUsbAnd”

My what?!

“yOU dOn’t knOw whIch vErsIOn Of yOUr I mEAnt”

Okay, that doesn’t even make sense. They are two completely different words!

“Im A mAjOr plAyEr bUt I cAn’t tEll yOU whEn Or whErE!”

Honestly, that’s just shitty, dude. That’s like saying “Mang, I TOTALLY have this amazing hot girlfriend! She works at a bar in Tampa. Just don’t ask for too many deets, k?”

”I wOn A trIplE thrEAt sO thAt cOUnts As twO vIctOrIEs”

What?! No it doesn’t! Beating Cray-Cray and Tula in a triple threat counts as ONE match, dude! By your logic, whoever wins the opening battle royal tomorrow actually wins ELEVEN matches! That’s not how the numbers work, man!

“bUt...bUt...I bEAt cArzy stEve?”

That match literally hadn’t even happened yet when I produced my promotional video. You don’t get to add it into your made-up addition to make yourself look better!

“thAt’s...thAt’s...rAcIst?”

Okay, now you’re not even trying.

“Um...Er...blAck...blAck lIvEs...mAttEr...”

Of course they do! And, unlike that idiot Page, I actually know what that statement means! Its a talisman for bringing attention to the individual, personal, peculiar issues that black people, and ONLY black people, have faced since the dawning of our institutions.

“yOUr...yOU’re...Um...OnE Of thOse...rAcIst?”

Ya know what? I think we started off on the wrong foot. Here, let's start over, okay?

Hey there, Gage! My name is Sarah. This is me:



I’m 22 years old, 5’2”, 145 pounds (THICK legs, as you’ll eventually notice), been a pro for three and a half years (though with a hellish 8 months on the DL...more on that in a bit…), am getting close to 200 matches, consistently win 2/3rds of them, have held 11 different championships (including two World), either won (6) or been runner-up (4) in 10 out of the 16 tournaments I have entered, and have been married for a hair under three years. This is my spouse, Kenzi:



Together, we form the 5’2” Mafia, winner of the XWF Tag Team Tournament ‘19, as well as holding the Tag Team Championships themselves for a hair under 4 months. Outside of my marital choices, I come from a wrestling family which, among others, includes my sister, Angelica:



She’s been a World Champ, too. My (non-spouse, non-sister) best friend is Roxy Cotton, another World Champ. I’d show a gif of her but...well...it is nearly impossible to keep her shit SFW, let me tell you…

And more!

Now, I provided this because, let’s face it, for someone who whines about research (while ignoring the analytical breakdown I did of literally everything you’ve said in your promotional videos from before I even came back around for this match!), you sure don’t do any! So I figured, hey! Let’s make it easy for you. And maybe Chris will watch this part, as well, and figure a thing or two out in the process. 2-for-1!

Additionally, I wanted you to realize something: I am STEEPED in wrestling. It’s what I do! Well, besides making gifs, but that’s just a hobby for when we’re on the plane. My friends and family are wrestlers. My business is wrestling. My religion is wrestling (long story, don’t ask). My fun is wrestling. Hell, my Beloved and I went on a vacation a couple of months ago and I STILL wrestled three or four times! I am constantly preparing, constantly training, constantly researching, constantly FIGHTING.

And what do YOU do?

Act the part.

Stumble through your words while beating up guys in the most horRENDOUS activities, both in quality and content, since the dawning of Mastermind making devastating fires about himself.

Wait

Wait

You probably don’t know what I’m talking about. Which is the problem with you. You mentioned that none of the stuff I said to you the other day made any sense, but that’s because I was being booth nuanced AND diving deep. You may not realize this, but there HAS been a company with a rich history from before you came around a month ago, and learning a thing or two about it can really help you find some success here. Listen, if I use a word you don’t understand, look it up. If I reference an event you don’t know, look it up!

But perhaps you’re not ready for that? Yes yes, you work hard. Yes yes, you adapt. But that doesn’t mean you’re ready for the spotlight. While Chris says some DUMB things, he was right about this: You need polish. You are ROUGH. Hard to watch, hard to listen to, hard to deal with it. Your work is riddled with mistakes, misconceptions, and errors. Your takeaways from the histories of your opponents is shallow enough to be a toddler’s pool and your depth of understanding would leave a goldfish gasping for breath. Your anger is out of control and you handle conflict by resorting to extremes, which means you are going to take risks that a more experienced and level-headed fighter knows is a poor gamble.

Light’s truth, you should not be in this match. Yes, you volunteered for it, you asked for the opportunity, but the management team should have known better. By no means are they geniuses as this kind of thing...look at THOSE TWO who are also in this match...but your spot could easily have been taken by someone who DOESN’T do dumb shit like what you’re doing with those ignorant dickheads. Give us Bourbon and let your idiotic antics fit within that opening battle royal where it fits alongside the Azraels and McBrides of the world.

And in THAT scenario, you could win the match and count it as going 11-0 for the night!








Sarah drags her feet as Kenzi nearly pulls her through the halls of Nippon Television.

“Honestly, Beloved, there are better ways to promote Leap of Faith than this-”

“Oh man, this is going to be GREAT!”

“Remember when I did all of those talk shows last year after we became tag champs?”

“I am going to take SO MANY PICTURES!”

“I can do my vlog! How about I just do my vlog and I say mean words?”

“I’m going to live stream it AND post it on CoolTube before dinner!”

“But-”

Sarah’s protestations come to an end as they burst through a set of double doors and find themselves standing before a large crowd. A man in a suit holding a microphone gives them a small bow and the crowd, all sitting in arena-style chairs for viewing, give them a polite applause.

”Buraddo Purinsesu!”

Sarah’s pale face blushes as a group of school girls, looking sharp in their uniforms, scream out her name in Japanese. Kenzi gives them, and her, a narrow-eyed look, and Sarah shrugs her shoulders.

“Hey, you’ve seen the manga about me.”

Kenzi’s eyes narrow further.

“AND the dōjinshi.”

Sarah’s blush increases, nearing the color of her eyes. Indeed, there were several unique storylines of Sarah within the hentai community, from her current form and all the way back to when she first visited the country as a child, alongside her father.

“...not gonna lie...the lolli version of me IS really cute…”

Kenzi’s eyes narrow so much that her chocolate eyes almost disappear.

“Welcome!”

The sound of the man’s voice catches them by surprise and, thankfully in Sarah’s mind, diverts their attention. The man has a heavy accent but still speaks with educated English.

“Are you ready to play our game?!”

Sarah takes an involuntary step backwards while Kenzi raises her arm and waves fanatically.

“Yes! Yes she is!”

The doors behind them push open and four women, pretty enough for television, take Sarah by the arms and gently push her into the center of the stage. Under the bright lights, half a dozen large marshmallows hang at the level of Sarah's face by pieces of string, and the albino audibly gulps.

“Listen, can’t we just-”

“Who wants to see a professional wrestler eat some marshmallows?!”

The crowd stops their feet and cheers, with the brash caramel starlet being the loudest.

“Take it all, babe!”

“I bet that’s not the first time she’s heard that!”

“That’s what she said!”

”Buraddo Purinsesu!”

The blush on Sarah’s face threatens to turn into a scalding burn as the comments and catcalls come from the unusually rowdy audience, and the host laughs right along with them.

“But first...the rubber bands!”

Sarah’s face turns from its bright blush and into a sickly pallor as two of the attendants pull large rubber bands out of their dresses.

“This...this is a mistake…”

The two attendants approach her and-

“You’re right! This IS a mistake-”

Sarah breathes a sigh of relief as the attendants stop.

“-because this is a competition! Bring out the competition!”

Sarah blinks in surprise, turns around, and-


Her eyes go wide.

DA-DAT DAHHHHH! DA-DAT DAHHHHHHH

She shakes her head in disbelief and defiance.

“RUBY RUBY RUBY RUBY RUBY!”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the XWF Anarchy Champion...RUBY!”

Sarah stomps her foot and screams as Ruby Debuchy walks through the doors. The crowd gets on their feet for her, stomping and hooting, as she gives them a wave and smile. Sarah’s scream, usually the keen of a banshee to split the ears, is drowned out by the uncharacteristic ovation from the crowd. After many...many...MANY moments, the crowd finally dies down as Ruby joins Sarah in the middle of the stage.

“...what are you doing here?!”

“Just helping out my buddy!”

“I’m not your buddy!”

“Whatever you say, pal!”

“...did your mumsie book this appearance for you...?"

”...I knew telling you about that would be a mistake…”

”...hey, maybe she can find you a nice gay guy in her to have dinner with…”

“.....flip up...”

“Rubber BAAAAAND TIIIIIIME!”

Sarah tries to protest as the two attendants stretch out their rubber bands and pull them over her head. Ruby smiles and lowers her head, making it easy for her own pair of attendants. Before long, Sarah and Ruby have the rubber bands pulling tight on their faces, smooshing their noses to the side and forcing their lips tight.

“Annnnnnd GO!”

Ruby and Sarah look at each other, perhaps both unsure now that they were in such a ridiculous situation, but then the attendants give the marshmallows a swing. And the two go after them!



The crowd laughs as 2/3rds of the modern Anarchy Champions struggle to open their mouths wide enough to catch the flailing marshmallows, each failing in spectacular fashion. Both try speaking, but nothing but mumbles and groans come out. Ruby is the first to score a marshmallow, but Sarah is right behind her. They both try for the same one and bump heads, which causes Sarah to push Ruby away and go for a different one. Sarah is able to use her advantage and garner a second, but Ruby, forever undeterred, catches her second, as well.

“It is a tie! Time for...SUDDEN DEATH!”

Several of the marshmallows are pulled up away from them, leaving only one remaining. They both move to dive after it, but their attendants stop them...and DOUBLE the amount of rubber bands! Sarah can’t see! Ruby can’t breathe! They fumble around and fall atop one another, crashing to the floor! The crowd stands up and cheers, stomping and clapping, calling out for their favorites.

“RU-BY BAM-MBA-YA!”

“BUR-AD-DO PUR-IN-SE-SU!”

“RU-BY BAM-MBA-YA!”

“BUR-AD-DO PUR-IN-SE-SU!”

They cheer and cheer, but the two bodies entangled on the floor do not move. There is rustling and pushing, but neither one is able to get any traction. After a while, the crowd dies down as they realize that the bodies are going nowhere, though the mass of entangled limbs does appear to be moving up and down. Curious, Kenzi moves from the side and onto the stage, dodging the lone swinging marshmallow, and gets a good look.

With their faces pulled back tightly by the rubber bands, their arms and legs in a messy mass, Ruby and Sarah can’t help but hug and break into guffawing laughter at their situation.

Kenzi smiles and holds up her camera.

”Hai, chiizu!”



Why are you in this match, Ruby? Chris is here because he seeks validation for himself and dominance for Cataclysm. Gage wishes to prove that he’s as good as his self-declaration makes him. Geri signed up in the middle of a bender and will be surprised when her music hits. Greggo...well...that’s all there is to say about that.

What about you?

I’m here to change the business. Yes yes, you know all about that. All about my dream for a world recognizing God’s true design for His world, a world based on the tenants of wrestling. But it’s true, buddy! WE are what is best for the world. Sportsmanship! Rules! Winners and losers! VICTORY at ANY cost. I’m here because the world needs their hero, their leader, the reason for their being, to travel across the globe, win big matches for all to see, and give hope to the masses. I’m here to climb into the rafters...using ladders, obviously, as has been covered...and take that briefcase so that I can be the face of this company. I’m here to blow fear into those who would carry the Universal Championship and make them cower in terror whenever they hear guitars shredding into some Beethoven. I’m here to WIN and LEAD.

Why are YOU here?

Do you even know?

You have been the face of Anarchy since November 15th, and in that time you have been nigh unstoppable. From even before then! People do not realize it, because they focus so much on our favorite “iTS oNLy a C SHoW” nonsense, but you have crushed just about everything in your path. You’ve crushed everything around you! From laughable legends like Barney to the monstrous tryhards in the Baddies, you’ve consistently pushed away the jeers of our peers and stood tall at the bell’s final ring. But those few slips, those mistakes, haunt you, terrorize you, keep you awake and help you stay vigilant through your nighttime activities. You don’t grow from them, as you would espouse in others, instead allowing them to freeze you in place and prevent your smile from reaching all the way up to your eyes.

I know what it is like to allow a loss, a single moment, to occupy my thoughts. In my hubris, I, and I alone, allowed my Beloved and I to end a tag team run far too soon. I allowed my words and actions to create a cancerous parasite which struck from behind when it had enough venom in its fangs. And Team Kickass lost their Cooperative Championships to a team which should never have existed, much less coexisted. And for the next year and more, I looked back on that day, looked back on the situation and scenario, and seethed. I let down my Beloved. I let down myself. I let it get to me in a way that no other loss had before or has since, and it was not until recently that I was able to let it go and free myself from it’s grip.

I see the pain in your eyes, friend. I see anger which wishes to unleash. Those losses are a talisman for your imperfection, and if you are not careful, they will become a phylactery of your failure.

You lost to Noah. Once. A year ago. Most people would say “Get over it,” but I know a bit better, yes? It wasn’t supposed to be “March Madness Winner” Sarah Lacklan vs. “Anarchy Championship Tournament Winner” Noah Jackson in front of Buckingham Palace at Leap of Faith. It was supposed to be Sarah vs. Ruby. The Queen of Anarchy vs. The Super Dear’O. The Red and Black vs. the Banana-Lime Girl. Thanos vs. Iron Man. But you failed. You took Noah lightly and BLAM! Wrong match. BLAM! A brooding Ruby Debuchy crying about stolen bits. BLAM! Subtweeting Pissbaby City, Population: You.

It got to you and you’ve never let it go.

By the time we DID get to Sarah vs. Ruby, by the time you WERE able to bring order to Anarchy, the importance was gone. The big money matches had already been passed to Noah and Vita. And all you were left with was a victory on a show that, let us both be honest here, gets far few viewers and support than the entrenched shows.

No matter how many times you defend against the likes of Green and Mastermind, it will never make up for your failure to do it right the first time.

Ruby

Light Above, I hate saying this.

You have NO IDEA how much I LOATHE SAYING THIS

Ruby

You are my friend.

And I am asking you, as your friend, to let it go.

No more sideways comments about Cunt Oh’s, stolen bits, copying from others, or whether or not an Australian saying “cunt” is a gimmick or a personality.

Because if you don’t? If you can’t let it go? Then you have no hope to win this match.

YOU are in THIS match because you have a need to PROVE that Anarchy is nothing to be ridiculed. We both know how silly it is when people go with that tired line. Most of those people wouldn’t be able to get past a Blackwater on Anarchy, much less paddle into the deep of a match against either one of us. Hell, just look at this Thursday! Jenny has spent WEEKS trying to convince everyone that she’s as relevant now as she was when fighting Madison for the Bombshell title or being the General Manager for Savage, and what has that given her? Her shoulders pinned flat against the mat...or roller rink, depending...for three seconds two weeks in a row. Anyone who wishes to smirk at the value of Anarchy just needs to come “down” to fight you and find out how little they know about that environment.

But you NEED to get EVERYONE to pony that you, the face of Anarchy, the Order Bringer, are worth their admission of equality. You tried it last year when you joined the Lethal Lottery, suffered through being bogged down by Mastermind and Gilmore, but found yourself going too deep and weighted by Vita. That bothers you, too. As does you allowing yourself to fall asleep for a few seconds and momentarily lose your grip on your championship. But NONE of those things matter as much as the public understanding of your relevant skills and prowess. And if you are able to get into the right spot in the rafters and open that briefcase? You’ll have it. Because every champion in this company knows that a tired and worn out version of themselves will NEVER be able to ward off a fresh Ruby.

But that won’t happen unless you let go of Noah. It won’t happen unless you let go of the crippling disappointment which fills you from a year ago. It won’t happen unless you take off the mask of the smiling face that is just a touch underneath genuine. If you walk into this match with a hesitation in your step borne from a loss you still can’t believe occurred, then you won’t have a chance of stopping me from snapping my fingers.

And that IS what is going to happen, Ruby. No one realizes it, yet, but the Thanos Snap? It is going to happen to this entire company. Because when I take ahold of that briefcase, when I control the power to challenge the Universal Champion whenever I want? There will be chaos. There will be anarchy. And no amount of your order is going to rectify that, because MINE will be what creates balance in the XWF.

Order created from the Queen of Anarchy.

I am going to take that briefcase.

I am going to snap my fingers.

And I’m going to enjoy it.
Edit Hate Post Like Post
[-] The following 3 users Like Lacklan's post:
Shawn Warstein (07-25-2020), Theo Pryce (07-25-2020), Thunder Knuckles™ (07-25-2020)




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)