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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » Leap of Faith 2020 PPV
Best. 23rd. Birthday. Party. Ever.
Author Message
Lacklan Offline
World's best at making murderhobos cry



XWF FanBase:
The 'cool' kliq fans

(booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)


#1
07-23-2020, 04:25 AM


Michael Johnston had been the owner of World on Wheels (on Venice Blvd!, follow us on Snapchat and Twitter!) for several years, and while the Golden Era of the Roller Rink was nearly forty years ago, the resurgence of 80s nostalgia, fueled by disposable income in the hands of the Children of the 80s, meant a potential money-making opportunity. Things had gone well for the first couple of years, with parents bringing in their children, but the explosion of the “extreme” indoor sports featuring trampolines and bouncing houses had taken away most of his customers. And with the pandemic of 2020 causing come-and-go shutdowns, he was looking to close his doors permanently.

Until he received the oddest phone call.

Quote:“World on Wheels: You bring the feet, we bring the skates! Michael speaking, how may I help you?”

He did his best to keep the drone out of his voice, but the days of endless nothing had sapped much of his soul

“I would like to speak to a manager?”

Ugh. A Karen. And a British one, at that. This wasn’t going to be fun.

“That’s me, what can I-”

“I wish to give you more money than you have ever seen in your life.”

Michael blinks several times in confusion.

“I beg your-”

“Shit up and listen!”

The confusion turns to anger.

“Excuse-”

“I am going to be having a MASSIVE party there. Mackenzie Michaela Grey-Lacklan, famous television star and owner of the BEST production company in the world, Dark Goddess Productions, is about to celebrate her 23rd birthday, and I want it to be the BEST birthday party there has ever been. Money is no object.”

He had no idea who this ‘famous’ person was, but that last line had him listening.

“Now, there will be a few rules in place. First of all…”

Michael’s eyes glaze over as the British woman sets down the list of rules and necessities for the party. They included specifications for the food (”The cake MUST be vegan-friendly, or HEAVEN HELP YOU!”) to who else was allowed to be there, to the music being played. As the logistics of the party begin to form in his mind, he realizes that he will have to triple the size of his staff, rent out the three spaces next to him in the Midtown Shopping Center, AND borrow his cousin’s alligator. It seems ludicrous, but the tantalizing thought of that line…

...money is no object…

“Did you get all of that?”

He licks his lips and nods his head.

“Yes, Ma’am, I did.”

“Hmmm. I’m not sure you did. I’ll send several copies of my needs by the Lacklanland Pigeon Mail Delivery Service.”

“...the...the what?”

“Best Pigeons in the World! #VisitLacklanland! And I’ll e-mail you the matching presentation so that you may train your servants properly. It’s only, like, 30 slides, so it shouldn’t be too hard.”

Michael can only blink in confusion at the stream of words, but he eventually shakes his head to clear his thoughts.

“Now...um...about the price-”

“I SAID MONEY IS NO OBJECT! The G-Ls are, like, super rich-”

...G-Ls?

“-and my Beloved is worth every penny. I’ll be checking up on your progress every few hours or so until the party. And then every 30 minutes on the day of. See you Wednesday!”

The phone disconnects before Michael can even fully process what just happened.


Presenting the House of Lacklan Saga Story of:

Leap of Faith, Part II: Best. 23rd. Birthday. Party. Ever.




Mackenzie Michaela Grey-Lacklan, or Kenzi to her friends, was doing her very best to smile and have a good time, but the ludicrous situation was making it difficult. Dressed in a pair of pants and long sleeved shirt, and with her braids arranged to hide as much of her neck as possible due to one of Sarah’s “gifts” earlier in the week (”One bite for every year, as always!”), she was sweating to death in the stuffy room. All around her, friends and family had come together for her birthday, which she REALLY wished hadn’t had happened, and she put a smile on her face whenever they came around. She didn’t want a party! Her birthday was just another day!

But Sarah was a whirlwind force which couldn’t be stopped. From the moment they met, to their courtship, to the ups and downs of their marriage, to Sarah’s injury and recovery, Kenzi had been caught up in the twister and yanked in all directions. And for this particular birthday, that meant working on the actual day in a tag team match and now, two days later, being in some dumb 80s reject for “fun!” She wanted to stay in! Just the two of them! But nope! No! Nah-uh! Sarah had to Sarah, and so here they were.

“Happy birthday, Kenz!”

Kenzi “OOFS!” as she is tackled by her far too tall, and pale, sister in law. The relationship between herself and Angie Vaughn had begun roughly due to a miscommunication over three years ago, but any cause of worry or pain had been swept away last year when the truth had become known: She was Sarah’s half-sister, something that only Mrs Vaughn had known, and providence had brought them together. The daughters of a former World Champion, they each had his drive and desire for wrestling, though Angie herself didn’t understand the hows and whys of it until she was an adult. They were physically very different, with Angie getting her parent’s height and sprouting up to 5’11” (BAY-BAY!) to Sarah’s 5’2”, but their faces matched and, when particularly tispy, shared enough fake words to completely confuse Kenzi to the point of not knowing what the hell they were talking about!

“Thanks, sis!”

While her desire for a quiet evening with Sarah was wholeheartedly true, she still delighted in seeing her sister-in-law. Angie looked good, though her eyes showed that she was tired. Recently defeated for the UGWC World Championship, the title she had taken from Sarah a few months before, Angie had been taking a much-deserved break, but was still road-weary.

“Have you tried the pasta, yet? It is PURR-fect!”

Kenzi groaned at the terrible pun. Angie was a cat aficionado, and her ever-present Sers Bobbi and Alex were no doubt in the “Pet Room” along with that stupid and gross spider of Sarah’s Baby Lael, and she had demanded that animal-shaped macaroni be served...but only the cat shapes. Kenzi rolled her eyes when Angie’s face became a literal question mark over her groan, and she gave her another smile.

“Not yet, but I will.”

She looked around and leaned in for a whisper.

“Have you seen any more of these...party demands...being done?”

Angie smiled brightly...though, as Sarah would point out, not nearly as brightly as her own...and nodded.

“Yep! I saw Johnny sitting in the ‘Anti-Sarah Noise-Canceling Booth just a minute ago. Sarah was yelling at him about something, but this weird gong kept going off, so I couldn’t hear what she was saying.”

Kenzi chuckled to herself.

“This I gotta see. Hey, make sure you say ‘Hi’ to Sierra!”

Angie’s face brightened and she went running off to find her newfound friend. Sierra Silver and Sarah had run into one another randomly, as wrestlers were wont to do in this crazy business, and had quickly become friends. Roxy had even commented that Sarah was “laying it on pretty thick” after she made both comics of her AND gifs! And Angie had quickly made friends with her, too, because the two sisters seemed to “accidentally” compete at everything.

“...stupid Lacklans…”

Kenzi grumbled as she made her way over to the Anti-Sarah booth. She passed by several other wrestlers and friends, including the odd sight of XWF’s own Centurion Zooming in from Japan on a television monitor set at the end of the buffet table. Before long, she found a red-faced Sarah yelling at a squat man sitting within what looked like a replica of the Cone of Silence.

“And ANOTHER thing you, [b]!GONG![/b] If I have to listen to ONE MORE of your [b]!GONG![/b] rants about some [b]!GONG![/b] stuff from sixteen [b]!GONG![/b] years ago, I swear on BABY JESUS’s pock-free bottom that I will [b]!GONG![/b] you up! DO YOU HEAR ME!”

Kenzi laughed as the man on the inside sat in silence with a smile on his face. Johnny Bonecrusher was a former World Champion who had wrestled across the globe in his 20-some year career, and that had included bloody battles with Sarah’s father while she was a teenager, but had now officially retired and spent his time shepherding and wrangling other wrestlers as a manager. He had found great success in that endeavor over the last year as his main charge, Hide Yamazaki, not only was a tag team champion, but had also been the one to dethrone Angie.

“Oh, for the love of [b]!GONG![/b]”

Sarah spun on her heel and flashed angry eyes at Kenzi. In response, Kenzi’s body immediately began to heat up, which caused her to blush. The life of the Grey-Lacklans together was an intricate and complex combination of laughter, love, music, art, wrestling, and annoying the !GONG! out of each other as much as possible, and the sight of “Angry Sarah” always got her going. Sarah had once asked Kenzi which version of her she preferred, the “Marketing Genius” who tried to get along with everyone or the “Blood Princess” who lived to !GONG! up people’s !GONG!, and there was only one truthful response.

“I am going to KILL whoever came up with that [b]!GONG![/b] gong demand!”

Kenzi laughed as Sarah grew more and more frustrated. Sarah had initially come up with a few “rules” for the owner of this dumb roller rink in order to be able to host the party...and get the vast amount of money Sarah was no doubt pumping into this dumb thing...but she then had opened it up to other people to add their own demands. She had tried to be funny, because annoying people was something Sarah lived for, but the list of demands had grown to a point of ridiculousness!

“I bet it was Dum Dum Ruby.”

Sarah snarled as she said that and Kenzi gave her a dirty look.

“You mean your friend Ruby.”

Sarah rolled her eyes...probably for the tenth time that hour...and sighed.

“Stop calling her that! N-E-Ways, I am so [b]!GONG![/b] tired of it that-”

“Language, Lackersnackers!”

Kenzi turned around at the sound of the voice and laughed when she saw her. Ruby Debuchy, Anarchy Champion and one of Sarah’s Leap of Faith opponents, wasn’t just dressed in a full set of pads, but in TWO sets! She had a helmet on her head and a pair of skates hanging over her shoulder

“C’mon, buddy! Let’s get some roller derby practice in before Anarchy! Practice makes perfect!”

Sarah growled...a lot...but she followed Ruby as she turned away and grabbed her own set of skates and protective gear. One of the demands had been that there was a roller derby set up so that the two could appropriately prepare for their weird co-match on Anarchy tomorrow, and apparently that even included an alligator. !GONG! THAT! Kenzi shook her head enough to make her braids fly all around and then knocked on the glass protecting Johnny from her wife’s screeching. A large part of their issue was that, years ago, Sarah’s dad had hit Johnny in the back of the head with a sledgehammer and he had never really let it go. It even got so bad that Johnny basically stole Hide’s shot at Sarah’s title so that he could try to enact some form of revenge against the departed Jean-Paul Lacklan!

“...crazy Lacklans…”

Kenzi turned away from the oblivious, and happy, Johnny Bonecrusher and smiled at the sight before her. The long table in the party room was filled with red, purple, and black streamers, the colors of the Grey-Lacklan tag team usually known as the 5’2” Mafia, as well as party hats, favors, balloons, and flower centerpieces. All around that table sat friends and family, as Sarah had made it an open invite, and they all dined on a weird and eclectic offering of food. Johnny had demanded that at least two Old Country Buffets be represented...ew...and there was Angie’s “kitty-shapes only” pasta, but there was also double protein infused meat for Vonn Richtor, Sarah’s latest muscle-bound freak of a boyfriend, plenty of vegan options for herself and Roxy Cotton, who of course was there, a selection of curries and hummus for the freshly-out-of-the-gulag Amira Kassouri, enough beer to sustain Atara Themis’s liquid diet for a few days, and even-

Bon anniversaire, ma fille!”

Kenzi’s breath stopped as her eyes locked onto the snails, sauteed in butter, just as the thick French accent hit her ears. She closed her eyes and let out a long breath to calm her nerves and forced a smile onto her face. Well, a small one, anyway. Okay, just the corners of her mouth. A little.

“Thank you, Ava.”

As she turned around, the owner of the voice approached and reached out to take up the tray of escargot. Wearing a black sleeveless dress, with purple accents on the hem, Kenzi’s mother-in-law, Aveline Lacklan, was a frightful thing to behold. The pale woman’s head was clean-shaven, but by no means for beauty; instead, her hairless scalp was covered in ugly scars from self-inflicted wounds. She had striking green eyes, but they were set against the backdrop of a haggard face, with skin pulled so tight as to be skeletal which made her cheekbones look sharp enough to impale you. And as she took up the plate of snails, the scars running up and down her arms, one hundred lines on each, with half of them clean and neat and the other shaky and harsh, made Kenzi shiver. Those had been self-inflicted, too, and were outward signs of the inner madness of the woman.

“As well you SHOULD thank me, Daughter! I have been saying this for years, n’est-ce pas That you will thank me later?”

She looked around and a sneer of disdain came to her face.

“Such a dirty place, though. Why not come home?! Why not embrace your family’s hall for such an occasion! Somewhere far away from the evils of this world.”

Kenzi took in a deep breath to calm herself. Ava’s versions of “evil” in the world included the checklist for Bigot of the Year: Gays, Lesbians, Queers, anyone NOT white, anyone NOT a follower of the Path of the Light Church, anyone who even THOUGHT about having sex out of wedlock, and more! She didn’t want her here, she didn’t want her ANYWHERE, but this was the price to pay for getting Sarah to agree to let Chewie Yin come to the party to be with the rest of the animals within the family.

“It was Sarah’s idea. And I love it!”

Kenzi didn’t like lying...but she would lie a thousand times if it annoyed this dumb bitch! And it DID annoy her, judging by the scowl that came across her face.

“Fah! The silliness of you…lesbians...”

That last word was full of vitriol and Kenzi’s anger flared up.

“I’m not a lesbian!”

“Oh, Kenz the Kidder!”

Kenzi’s growled as Ashley Allen, Sarah’s big-titted and DUMB AS !GONG! old school friend joined them. She was wearing a long-sleeved sweater again, despite the heat, and Kenzi smirked.

“Hey, Ash. I take it you’re hiding a !GONG!-ton of hickies, too?”

Ashley’s face turned bright red.

“I-no-I mean-what-”

“You know, like THESE!”

Kenzi brazenly pulled down the neck of her shirt to show a line of black and purple bruises, only slightly faded from being two days old. Ashley’s face blanched and Ava shivered as a look of disgust filled her face, both of which made Kenzi feel smug. She knew how to push their buttons, especially Ava’s. She always made sure she and Sarah were EXTRA loud when they came over to visit!

”...salopes dégoûtantes…”

“Axly!”

Kenzi sighed in relief as Angie came over with a finger pointed in the air. Ava was taller than either herself or Kenzi...just about everyone was...but Angie still dwarfed the matriarch of the House of Lacklan.

“There are none of those here. That’s one of the demands. Which is probably why Redd Thunder couldn’t make it.”

Kenzi blinked in confusion.

“What?”

“‘No sluts allowed,’ though that’s a real judgemental thing to say. I wonder who the meanie-face was who came up with that one?”

The sudden smile on Ava’s face answered that question.

”Pas de salopes autorisées.”

Kenzi growled at her.

“You are SUCH a [b]!GONG![/b]”

“Language!”

With a gaggle of laughing children around them, Ruby and Sarah rolled into the room. The Banana-Lime Blur led the children towards a bowl of plain veggies she called “treats” on the table while Sarah skidded to a stop in front of Kenzi. She pulled her helmet off, pulled the pin out of her hair, and gave them all her Billion $$$ Smile.

Bonjour, Mumsie!”

Kenzi scowled as Sarah gave her step-mother a hug and they did that “double kiss on the cheek thing” that they always did. She scowled again when she gave dumb!GONG! Ashley a hug, too.

“You are just in time!”

Sarah turned to face Kenzi and she posted her hands on her hips.

“Its BIIIIIIRTHDAYYYYYY TIIIIIIIIIME!”

Sarah gave Kenzi a quick, and sweaty, kiss on the cheek before skating away to change, and Angie grabbed her hand and led her to the long table. Kenzi was glad to see that Angie successfully arranged them so that they were sitting a good deal away from Ava and Ashley, and was equally glad to see she was near old friends Ashley Marie Chase, Manny Fernandez, and Trixie Smith.. Drinks were had and food was passed around but the conversation came to a halt when the sound of the clinking of a glass pierced the air. Kenzi looked up and saw Sarah, now dressed in one of her favorite dresses, the flowing brown number with the pointing sleeves, standing behind a podium with a microphone in her face.

“HIIIIII-iiiiiii!”

With her hair now up into an elaborate braided bun and her net of firedrops dangling onto her forehead, Sarah looked like royalty addressing the commoners. Which was the point, Kenzi knew. But then her small smile turned downward.

“I said ‘hi!’”

“HI!”

“HELLO!”

”Hey, BB!”

“BONJOUR!”

Sarah smiled as the rest of the room responded appropriately, which just make Kenzi chuckle.

“We are all here today to celebrate the 23rd birthday of my Beloved, the song within my heart, the heat within my loins, the mocha mixed into my vanilla, Mackenzi Michaela Grey-Lacklan!”

Everyone around the table applauded Kenzi and she gave them a smile.

“When I first decided to throw this little party-”

Kenzi scoffed at that. ‘Little.’ There had to be 100 damn people crammed into this dumb roller rink!

“-I knew that I wanted it to be only ONE of many MANY gifts! Belove, why don’t you show them what I gave you in the morning?”

Kenzi smiled and reached under her shirt and pulled out a pendant. Made of heavy platinum and sparkling with tiny diamonds, the pendant shows the symbol of her church, Scientology, on the backdrop of a Pride flag. Sarah had called it a symbol of their union, and it had touched her deeply. It received many oohs and ahhs from around the table.



“No no. The OTHER thing I gave you in the morning.”

Kenzi’s face quickly turned a bright shade of purple as she put away the pendant. It was bad enough that just about EVERYONE at that table had learned over the last few years about their...well...fetish wasn’t the right word...but enjoyment...of biting, but she didn’t want to show them! She covered that !GONG! up for a reason! Showing Ava to piss her off was completely different. Tom Cruise Above, her wife could be SUCH a !GONG!.

“I tease, I tease!”

Her heated chuckle and twinkle in her eye drove Kenzi nuts.

“N-E-Ways, I knew that there would only be ONE appropriate way to TRULY share this night and this party...with a slide show presentation!”

Sarah snapped her fingers and down came a massive screen behind her. The entire table groaned and Sarah’s face turned back to the demon.

“Party Demand Number 28!”

Kenzi sighed as she recalled #28: Everyone must be happy about any and all presentations. Around her, the rest of the table sighed as they, too, remembered. Upon the dais, Sarah smiled and adjusted her glasses.

“We are all here today because…”

CLICK!



“...!GONG! it, Baby!”

Upon the screen was one of Sarah’s favorite pictures, taken from a boudoir set she had done the year before. Sarah smiled wide as she looked up at the picture.

“Good LORD! Is that not just the SWEETEST thing you have EVER seen?!”

Kenzi’s face grows even more purple as several catcalls come at her from the table, along with a clicking of a tongue which dripped with a disdainful French accent.

“Now, just about everyone here knows how important Kenzi is to me. We met WAAAAYYYYYY back in December of 2016, became instant friends, upgraded into best friends, evolved into lovers, and transformed into life partners. She’s my everything! My moral compass. My filter. The walls I bounce ideas off. The person who keeps me focused and sane. But, this relationship we have, this treasure I have, didn’t come easily. !GONG! made me CHASE her black !GONG! and earn her sweet lovin’!”

Kenzi’s embarrassment continued to fade as everyone around the table laughed at both Sarah’s plight and at the incessant gong censoring out any swear words.

“And you know how I did it? How I won the exclusive right to be her booty tapper? By FIGHTING. Because that’s what I do, ya know? I see something I want, I make a plan, I attack, and I NEVER give up. When things didn’t go smoothly? I made adjustments to my plan. I learned, improvised, and pulled out every trick in the book. I won by ANY means necessary. Just like how I do in the sport of wrestling.”

Kenzi groaned when she realized what had just happened. No one else around the table saw the segue, but she did.

“The House of Lacklan is known for winning, known for championships, known for taking this sport and business more seriously than any others. From Daddy, may he live through us forever, to Mumsie, to my younger-but-not-smaller sister, to myself and my Beloved, we reign supreme wherever we go. While I am not the sort of post something dumb with my name on Twitter like so many wet-behind-the-ear twitter virgins...no offense, Ruby...I am currently a triple champion. I am the Hardcore Champion in Alpha, the World Champion in Revolution1, and the Federweight in the XWF. Now, I know that there are people who would be remiss at that last one, but the reality is that, out of all the people who claim to hate me and think they are better than me, it is seldom the brave man or woman who would try to take it. While plenty of people within those odd 24/7 halls of the XWF will attempt a quickie pinfall for Xtreme, or perhaps throw up random binary code for the Heavymetal weight, they do not often try to step up to me for the Federweight, likely in fear of being broken down analytically with my unmatched flare.”

She gave a big wink to the crowd.

“Which brings me to my SECOND slideshow presentation. Yes yes, you can all still view the many MANY nudes I provided for my Beloved in the gallery outside called The Birthday Girl in her Birthday Suit, but THIS presentation is different. Last week, I went on a little vacation and had the misfortune of continuously running into Steve Sayors in a variety of creative and interesting ways, which is something that just about no one within the ladder match can also attest to. And across this adventure, I begrudgingly gave Steve my thoughts on the field vying for the briefcase and, as you are about to see…”

CLICK!



“I was 100% right about everything I said. Mind you, I spent plenty of time hyping myself and my skills, as any wrestler should, but I spent MORE time showing you WHY my opponents were not going to win. Records, skills, tendencies, fallacies, and more! Let’s break down this first round of salvos, shall we?”

CLICK!



Sarah chewed her lips as several people around the table laughed.

“Welp, I guess that’s all we need to say about that.”

CLICK!



“Geri, recently married into the Vayden wrestling family, spends a LOT of her time wasting everyone else’s time. Going into this week, I mentioned how the giant Pasha, who appeared on Anarchy in response to Geri’s edgelord spray-painting, came to pay his respects to me because I was likely going to be his world champion. And as I mentioned before, my trio champion situation includes the Revolution1 Championship, so I was right about that. And I was also right about predicting that Geri would come into this match with too much on her plate and zero preparation, and thus far I am right.

“You have ONE CHANCE to strike fear into the hearts of your opponents. ONE CHANCE to be the pace-setter. ONE CHANCE to set yourself up as THE person to beat. And Geri didn’t just blow that chance, she rolled it, wet the tip, and set it on fire. To her credit she seems to be prepared for Ruby...if speaking in short sound bites and repeating herself counts as preparation...but she apparently was too blasted to remember to show up for her second shift! And in a match where she faces me, someone who knows all ABOUT winning multiple matches in one night, that is not only NOT going to cut it, it is going to end up with her laying on the ground, holding her head, and wondering what day it is.

“And remember, kiddos, weed isn’t a personality. Nor a strategy to win outside of useless battles with the MadClan or in the Internet Championship division.”


CLICK!



Sarah blinked in surprise.

“Oops. That’s not supposed to be there. Un instant s'il vous plaît…

CLICK!



“There we go, correct slide. Now, Gage Gannon DID offer an introductory salvo, but I was right in saying that his true capabilities were more suited for the aforementioned Heavymetal Weight section of the halls. Derivative and complacent, what he had to say was not only terrible...I literally wrote This is BAD and underlined it three times as I watched his promotional video...but it was cringe-worthy when you think of the numbers. And what are those numbers?”

CLICK!

The # of times he said “At the end of the day”: 4
The amount of times he used “See” to start a sentence: 14
The amount of research he did: ZERO!

“Those are legitimate numbers, dear friends and family. In his need to put himself over...again, something I said before was necessary for any wrestler...he found himself embroiled in cliches, repetition, and an amount of research into his opponents that would make even Drezdin grown with embarrassment. He actually said...and no, I’m not !GONG!ing you...that the people in this match were supposed to be the best the fed had to offer but he’d never heard of them. Think about that! He gets a pass on Geri...because duh...and it would take a smidgen amount of giving a !GONG! to look up my name and see a 23-6-2 record with five title reigns and three tournament victories in the span of 15 months...but the other two? NOT knowing Ruby, the Anarchy Champion? NOT knowing Page, the not-so-great half of the tag team champions? That shows a lack of care and interest which is going to cost him dearly at Leap of Faith.

“Now, how do words in a promotional video affect the outcome of a match, you might ask? Ya know, that idiot Noah asked me that once after he got triggered as !GONG! after I pinned him clean at Leap of Faith last year, so I know that at least a few people might not understand. By showing just how unprepared he is BEFORE the match, Gage has shown me how unprepared he will be DURING it. After all, how hard is it to open a few readily-available bio pages? I’m not even saying go for deep cuts of matches and promotional videos, but just the bare minimum! And not knowing the strengths and weaknesses of his opponents, especially in regards to championship holders and contenders, means that all of his talk of having a plan, or a brain, or these supposed elite fighting skills that his middling record seem to contradict, will fall victim to the idiotic strategies of a Gilmore or a McBride. Honestly, he would be better off telling us all to collectively suck his super !GONG! than blather on about nothing. But, hey, at least he didn’t plagiarise anything this time, amIright?!”


She gave a wink.

“That’s for the next guy, apparently.”

CLICK!



Cliches: *ERROR*
Actual specifics: ZERO!
Times he contradicted himself with “this entire field sucks” but then put Sarah over: A !GONG! TON!

"Oh, come ON! How did gong end up on my slide?!"

She turned to the table with eyes of fury.

"Which one of you people...and YES I said 'you people'...made the swearing demand?!"

"Yo!"

Kenzi smirked as, to no one's surprise, Ruby raised her hand proudly.

"Just looking out for the kids, Lackersnackers! They are our future!"

Kenzi distinctly heard Sarah mumble "...I'll future your face…" as she turned back to the projector. She then chewed on her lips as she looked at the stats, then turned to the far corner of the table.

“Hey, Ash? What’s up with the error?”

Everyone turned their heads and saw Ashley with her face buried in a tablet and her fingers typing quickly.

“Sorry, Boss! The Cool Rankings team is still trying to crunch Mr Page’s numbers! We totalled up how many cliches he’s used in the last six months and the entire system CRASHED!”

Sarah sighed and shook her head.

“Really? Oh come ON! I have put a LOT of money into the Cool Ranking team-”

Kenzi grimaced. Sarah HAD sunk a lot of their funds in her dumb numbers !GONG!.

“-and I canNOT beLIEVE that something as simple as that guy saying dumb !GONG! like ‘you can’t lace up my boots’ over and again could cause so much trouble.”

Ashley looked up and gave an apologetic shrug.

“Sorry, Boss.”

Sarah sighed and turned back to the rest of the table.

“Then again, I suppose I can believe that Good-But-Not-Great Chris would find himself eating up…”

She turned back to Ashley.

“Ballpark?”

Ashley rubbed her chin in thought.

“30%?”

Sarah slammed her hand on the podium.

“Thirty percent! Thirty percent of his video and hype time hammering in cliches as often as Atty and Fuzz break up...no offense, Atty. I can believe it. And why? Because this is the dip!GONG! who, just a couple of weeks ago when preparing to fail to defeat Knuckles, literally said...and I !GONG! you not, this is seriously legitimate...both ‘outlaw mudshow’ AND ‘thank you, !GONG! you, bye’ and didn’t expect to get called out for it! As I mentioned to Stalker Steve last week about Gage, it’s one thing to be INSPIRED by someone, to take something and make it your own, but to simply steal? That’s lazy as !GONG!, ya know?!

“It’s also a shame that he took a correspondence course in the Geri School of Wrestling by presenting a !GONG! ton of generalities without any specifics. Yes yes, so and so is generic. Yes yes, this person over here is mediocre. Yes yes, you’re better than the rest. But WHY? WHERE? HOW? Not a freakin’ PEEP of actual CONTENT from the lesser half of Cataclysm. Of all the lessons he could pick up from Main, you’d think that actually giving a !GONG! would be one of them! And, as I am sure you will ALL recall, I literally predicted that Page was, if I may quote myself, ‘likely to spend most of his time preparing to win ‘just because,’ so it’s nice to see that I was, indeed, 100% right!

“But, as my slide shows, the REAL treat offered up by Page is outing himself as the World’s Greatest Konrad Raab Cosplayer! I know most people at this table know ol’ Raaby, but for those who don’t, he’s this broken down wanna be with a monster twin who has a way of speaking which tantalizes the senses. In one breath, he can perform a Lore Drop Level: EPIC, and he does it every time! And while I was listening to Page kinda-sorta-but-not-really get to the brass tacks of the Leap of Faith match, he had a run-on sentence which, had SEVENTY-FIVE words in it! Yes, I counted...because of course I did...and all I have to say is...dude! Take a breath! Use some inflection! Pause now and again! Instead, he speaks with the monotonous tone of our favorite German Jobber, spewing word after word without receiving a reaction or getting to a point. And THAT is what is going to happen when he steps in the ring: He’s going to go all-out, without a thought to pacing or tempo, and, if we are ALL lucky, run out of breath and pass out.

“Oh! And another thing! Remember how I said I literally wrote down This is BAD while listening to Gage? When I listened to Chris, I wrote down something similar. This is not great. Again, I was 100% right!”


CLICK!



"Ah, the ACTUAL competition for me in this match!”

Cliches: NONE!
Terrible Puns: At least 3
Actual Specifics: LOTS!
Times you want to punch her in the face: 13

“Now, there is no WAY that I am the ONLY person who wanted to punch Rubes in the face over and over again! Honestly, how many ‘flippings’ did we need to listen to, amIright?!”

Sarah paused for the table to agree with her...which they didn’t...which caused Kenzi to chuckle to herself...which caused Sarah to narrow her eyes at her and wave her hand dismissively.

“Whatever. N-E-Ways, there are two takeaways from Ruby’s initial offering which are pertinent: Her correct way to approach this match and what I am bringing up with this slide.

“Gage and Page...Ruby probably thinks it’s funny that their names are basically the same...are the only two besides Team SaRuby who have given a !GONG! thus far, but they also failed to approach the match the proper way. Neither so much as took a whiff of who their opponents actually WERE. But Rubes? She understands the importance of knowing not just WHAT match you are going into, but the HOWs and WHYs of it. She even did some roller derby with me in preparation for our insanely dumb matches tomorrow on Anarchy!”


“Dude! Not cool!”

Kenzi chuckled again as Vinnie Lane took exception to Sarah’s appraisal of the double-match roller derby main event tomorrow. Most people at the table joined in with said chuckle.

“Ruby knows how to look at who she is fighting, why it’s important to them, and how they might approach fighting her. Mind you, MOST of the people who fight Ruby go the ‘iTS oNLy aNaRCHy’ route and end up on the wrong side of a Ruby Cutter, but she has still had her fair share of quality opponents. And Noah.”

Sarah reached into her dress, pulled out her phone, and typed a few words. After a few seconds, Ruby looked at hers, narrowed her eyes, and typed something in response. Sarah then sighed and rolled her eyes. Curious, Kenzi looked at her own phone and then laughed when she saw the expected exchange.



“Over the last fifteen months or so, Ruby has been able to run roughshod over just about everyone she has faced...including me...with very few missteps. Mind you, one of those missteps included momentarily dropping the Anarchy Championship to freakin’ Geri, but hey, I once lost to Kate Steele, so !GONG! can happen to anyone. But the reality of those victories, of that momentum, of that streak of excellence, is this right here…”

Sarah pushed a few buttons and her phone emitted a red light. She motioned toward the screen and the red light circled the slide’s title.

“It’s all because of me.”

She turned back toward the table.

“Without me, Ruby’s existence is being mired in beating up rabble. Her night time activities of making citizen’s arrests on jaywalkers and admonishing children who eat too many sweets are not only reflected in her world without Sarah Lacklan, but they are accentuated. With me here, she has a reason to push through the muck that is a field of challengers which include Mastermind, Oswald, and all 395 members of the Blackwater family. With me around, she has more to strive for than just babysitting Vita Valenteen during her next identity crises. With me around, she has a proper villain to stand up to. And without me? With me gone? She’s just an elite wrestler fighting against the horde of mediocrity that is the XWF with only the occasional scrap of talent in which to find a test.

“Ruby Debuchy needs her Rule 63 Thanos, dear friends. She needs the person who pushes her, who tests her, who turns her into the greatest version of herself that she can be. But unfortunately for her, as I have stated before, the depths I am willing to swim are too much for her. The pressure, the pull, the tide, is going to take her down to a place where she will be unable to breathe. And unless she is smart enough to bring her RuXegen Tank...or whatever dumb name she’d come up with for it...she is gong to flounder and drown.”


She pointed at the slide again and the red light circled the picture of Ruby in the water.

“Going this deep, deep enough to compete with me in this environment, is going to be too much for her. She is going to feel her breath coming short. She is going to feel the pressure against her head. Her body is going to fight against death, going to make her arms and legs flail in a desperate attempt to get her to more comfortable shallows. Oh, she’s doing fine now. She’s dived in and swam deep. But I keep going deeper. This World Class swimmer has powerful legs that push her down to the very bottom floor of the ocean. And in her attempt to keep up with me, she’s going to realize something too late.”

She turned back to the table.

“Where I swim? The sun has never touched these waters. There is no light, here. These waters are cold. Bitter. Frigid. Deadly. And in these depths, in these waters, there is only one predator.”

She looked at Ruby with a blank face.

“You won on Anarchy, Rubes. And, whether or not you earned it, it was I who ended up in the dumpster. But in these deep waters? In my realm? There will be no victory.”

The room was silent as Sarah stared at Ruby. And, to Kenzi’s glee, Ruby did not back down or look away.

“...um…”

Ashley’s voice broke the tension and everyone moved a little.

“...hey, boss? I just finished it, so you haven’t seen it, yet, but I was able to pull together a slide for you, too.”

Sarah’s face broke into her wide smile.

“Really? Excellent, Ash! Let’s see it.”

CLICK!



Sighs: 10
Eye Rolls: 5
Cliches: 1 (but was proverbial!)
Smiles: 23
Times you incorrectly referred to the “Rafter Match” as a “Ladder Match”: 4

Sarah clenched her fist in victory.

“That’s right!”

She turned back to the table.

“I FINALLY got a swear in that that dumb gong didn’t catch! N-E-Ways, the important takeaways here are:

“One! This world gives me a LOT to sigh and roll my eyes about.

“Two! I am THE most original person any of you have ever met! My content is original, inspired, and creative, and the ONLY time I would do something like fall onto the Cliche Sword is when I’m doing it ironically!

“Three! I have the BEST smile!”


Sarah put her hands on her hips to make them jut out JUST RIGHT and flashed her “Billion $$$ Smile.” Kenzi sighed as the cost of that smile, from weekly dentist appointments and super expensive toothpaste and floss, flashed in her mind.

“And four: I don’t give a !GONG! about the briefcase being in the rafters. Honestly, with a name like ‘Leap of Faith,’ why the !GONG! is it NOT in a ladder match?! Besides, how DO you expect me to get into the rafters if I don’t bust out some ladders?! So for anyone who is going to be all ‘ERMAHGERD SAR DOESN’T KNOW IT’S NOT A LADDER MATCH’ I have THIS to say: !GONG! You, I am going to keep calling it a ladder match!”

Sarah then clapped her hands abruptly.

“N-E-Ways, I digress-”

“YES, YOU DO!”

Kenzi chuckled as the table spontaneously responded with that together.

“-and this isn’t about me, anyway. It’s about my Beloved! Who’s ready for some cake?!”

The table bursted into cheers, with Kenzi perhaps the loudest. A vegan-friendly cake in the shape of the Dark Goddess Production insignia was rolled out, the 23 lit candles making it look like a giant torch. The group sang Happy Birthday as loud and obnoxious as possible, which Kenzi appreciated, and she made her wish silently to herself.

...I wish that me and Sarah will always be as happy and in love as we are right now, no matter what...

Kenzi took in a big breath and blew out the candles in one go, which caused a cheer from the assorted family and friends.

Cake was handed out and everyone was again seated.

“Psst!”

Kenzi smiled when Sarah plopped down in the seat next to her.

“Who dis?”

“Someone with one last birthday gift.”

Kenzi cocked an eyebrow after Sarah handed her an envelope. She opened it and found a slip of paper.

“What’s this?”

“A receipt.”

Kenzi looked closer and saw that the receipt...for an amount of money which made her heart stop for a lil bit...was for a week-long hotel stay.

“What-”

Sarah pushed Kenzi’s hands down and looked her in the eyes.

“Vacation. Just you and me. In Tokyo. For a full week.”

Sarah looked around at the table and locked on Ruby for a moment.

“No matter what happens on Sunday…”

She turned back to Kenzi.

“...I have cleared my wrestling schedule. Just you and me. No friends. No families. No wrestling.” Think of it as our...what...third? Yeah, third honeymoon.”

Kenzi could feel tears welling her eyes. She pulled Sarah in and pressed their foreheads together, the showing of affection which had been with them since the very beginning. Gently, of course, so as to avoid accidentally headbutting the net of jewels.

“...thank you, baby.”

She smiled and rubbed her head against Sarah’s.

“Best. Birthday. Ever.”
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