From Ruby’s Go-Pro…

Ruby: “BOOM! HIT-STICK!”

Or in more common language, a rather overenthusiastic roller derby block. Ruby crosses the finish line, having pounced her last opponent out of bounds in the most legal way she could think of and raises her hands in victory as her fifth practice bout of the night comes to a close.



Ruby: “Flip yeah! Getting the hang of this ish! And I gotta say, that wind in my hair? Proper exhilarating.”

She keeps on skating, but detaches the Go-Pro from her roller derby helmet, unsure of whether that thing had an official name like how snooker players called their sticks ‘cues’ and football players call their handeggs a ‘football’. She points it towards her face, the background behind her a blur. She's wearing a green helmet with yellow straps, but is otherwise entirely without her usual superhero attire.

Ruby: “My flippies! I must be living in a Limp Bizkit song because I just keep on Rollin’! Ya girl’s getting her practice in on the roller derby track because we’ve got another Bobbie coming at us on Anarchy, and we’ll be donning skates instead of wrestling onesies! I was practicing with old Lackersnackers earlier, and I beat her again! But no lie, she had great form, and I give both of us a great chance to win this week.
“See, this chick right hurr is in another unique type of match-up on what people just can’t stop calling the C-show! Of course, those who call it that have never actually won a match on the greatest XWF show of all time. I mean, who cares about Savage or Warfare? Boring same old same old, right? Straight ONE ON ONE match-ups for one-fall! Nothing wrong with that, except for the fact they feature the likes of Gilly, but where’s the spice? Where the salt and vinegar? Come watch roller derby matches over on Anarchy! And yes, that’s just the tip of the iceberg! When did ‘fun’ become a derogatory term? Y’all know I’ve been trying to make XWF more wholesome and family-friendly, so whenever I get dismissed out of hand because my championship is ‘only’ the Anarchy one, I take it as a compliment. Clearly they’re feeling the pressure from underneath, so to speak. Worried that their sobby old stories of tired, weary doom and gloom no longer carry the weight they once did. Well, boo flippin’ hoo! It’s a new day and a new day, and Anarchy is here to stay. And unless those snobs wanna come down and get dirty in the trenches with the grunts of the so-called C-show, I’m calling their bluffs.”

Ruby puts up a V-sign, and lifts one leg in the air, continuing to skate as she balances herself perfectly.

Ruby: “Blam! Balance is what it’s all about, right? Sure, you can trash talk an opponent into the ground, week in and week out, but do the fans care unless they’re invested in you as a person, for better or worse? And sure, you can tell everybody your life story, but why should they be rooting for you if they don’t believe you care about your upcoming fight? Balance is everything. See, take the Bobbies for example. They’re a bit of a two-headed best, aren’t they?”

Ruby puts her leg back down and descends from the ramp and into the skating rink, where plenty of others have already gathered, casually skating around. Ruby slows her pace and carefully skates around them with tight twists and turns.

Ruby: “What the Bobbies are good at? Ganging up on folks from behind and beating them up. What the Bobbies aren’t good at? Winning wrestling matches. I mean, face it guys… Ever since Vita went to jail, poor girl, you’ve been crying about how you’re going to achieve dominance, but you’ve been as effective as a rock skidding across a surface of water. You quickly gained some ground, seemed to be bouncing upwards, then you slowed down, and you’re gonna sink sooner rather than later. But you gave it a good try, don’t get me wrong. Although I don’t think that when Lenin said that sometimes quantity is its own quality, he had ever envisioned the likes of you, ganging up and being mediocre in spite of your numbers... So Money Oswald? You best go for broke, my guy, because if you don’t beat me in this match, your stock’s gonna plummet and you won’t have enough left to get beaten at a game of tuppenny ha’penny. Yeah, money puns, I got’em like yo momma has plums. I don’t know if your momma actually has plums by the way, I just thought it sounded funny and it rhymed so that’s always a win. I’m sure she’s a very nice lady, even if you didn’t turn out that way. But we’re wasting daylight here folks!”

Ruby picks up a bit of pace again and skates towards the nearest announcer. She grabs the mic and calls out to the crowd.

Ruby: “My people, wassuuuuup!? I hope y’all were loving this roller derby, but there’s one thing that’s even better! And before Lackers gets up in here and screams ‘AND ANOTHER THING’ in my face, I will say in advance that she is mistaken! Because nothing beats roller derby except for… ROLLER DISCO!”

Ruby grabs a remote out of her back pocket and presses the green button that is shaped like a banana. The lights dim, the Bee Gees starts playing and a disco ball emerges from the ceiling and soon the entire place is covered is glittering dots.

Ruby: “Now that’s how we be Stayin’ Alive! Get ready for a good old Pee Gee Bee Gees night! I’ll see you all at Anarchy my flippies, where we beat Money Oswald into bankruptcy. And always remember: a kick in the head is worth eight in the pants! Whoosh!”

Ruby attaches the GoPro back to her helmet and starts to boogie.