Robbie Bourbon recently took time off.

He returns at Leap of Faith, much to his joy.

YOKOZUNA

Robbie is seen walking through a forest. The exact placement is unknown besides earth, since it's a path beset by plant life and a canopy of trees blocking better lighting. Behind him, ever so slightly, are Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, and Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw.

Where are we going?

I told you, I gotta train and get the ring rust dusted off before I dust off some fools at Leap of Faith.

We're just walking through the woods.

Free leg day, all day, every day.

Yeah, but we could have walked through the woods at home. You flew all the way to Japan early to walk through the woods. In Japan.

There's good reasoning for that.

Really? I mean usually when you come to Japan you insist on riding the bullet train places. You don't even get off anywhere in particular, you just like standing up on the bullet train then it starts moving.

Yeah, it's fun. I call it train surfing. I do it at home on the Metro all the time too. Free leg day.

That's, um, anyway, so walking through a forest in Japan is training for a battle royale now?

The three men enter a clearing where we see a large building.

No, the training is in here. What better way to get ready to toss people out of a ring in Japan than learning how to toss people out of a ring in Japan?

You're talking in circles, it's less than cute.

Four enormous men in kimonos step out from inside the building.

Oh shit.

Hyep. Gonna do a little sumo today, fellas.

Are you going to wear the diaper?

It's called a mawashi, and yes, I'll be wearing one.

The four men murmer among themselves as Robbie approaches. A smaller, much older man steps forward, smiling, as if he'd been expecting Robbie. He says something. Cyberjaw steps forward to translate.

He says welcome, this will be funny.

What do you mean funny?

The older man says something to the four behemoths as they reenter the building.

He says this will be an easy day for them.

Robbie looks less than pleased. He, Diamondback, and Cyberjaw enter the sumo dojo. Inside, eleven big ole' chubby and thick sumo wrestlers in mawashis are seen eating huge bowls of rice. Robbie and his cohorts are beckoned to join them. Robbie sits, and is handed a bowl of rice. He sets it down in front of himself.

Thanks.

One of the sumos looks at Robbie and grunts something.

He says to eat. You'll need your strength.

I can't, I'm on a keto diet man.

Robbie unzips his fanny pack and pulls out a fully cooked steak. He starts to eat it with his hands like it's a slice of pizza. The sumos all look in shock at Robbie with his pocket food, shunning their food. One gets up, walks over to Robbie, snatches the stead from him, and throws it out a window.

Hey! Steaks aren't cheap, asshole!

Robbie stands up and is immediately in the face of the sumo. The old man who runs the dojo giggles. He says something.

He says you look eager to train.

I'm going to whoop this guy's ass for throwing my steak away!

Robbie reaches into his fanny pack and pulls out his backup steak. He takes a bite out of it and puts it back into the presumably very greasy and beef scented interior of the fanny pack. The sumo stomps on the floor, and gets himself set, looking dead at Robbie. Robbie squats as well, setting to sumo. With a start, the actual sumo wrestler makes his move, and the thunderous sound of both men clashing is quickly followed up by the thunderous sound of Robbie being hoisted like a rag doll and thrown to the floor. The rest of the sumo wrestlers laugh as Robbie slowly gets up.

He threw you on the floor.

You think? You say that like I wasn't there.

As Robbie gets to his feet, he's quickly bowled over by the sumo wrestler who threw his steak. A dishonorable cheap shot, rarely seen in sumo competition.

That was a dishonorable cheap shot.

Rarely seen in sumo competition!

...

Robbie looks very unhappy as the sumo wrestlers all chuckle at his expense. As he gets up this time, the sumo wrestler who had been bullying him is standing and waiting. Robbie delivers a swift uppercut to the sumo wrestler's testicles. The leader of the sumo dojo hollers something.

He says you dishonor this dojo!

I honor MY dojo!

Two more sumo wrestlers approach Robbie, who is up and besided a doubled over sumo wrestler holding his crotch. Robbie grabs each by the throat and delivers stereo chokeslams to each! With that, Robbie turns and hoists the sumo he punched in the dick up, and Robbiebombs the massive man into the wooden floor of the dojo!

Who's fuckin' next?

We cut to the exterior of the sumo dojo, and from there we hear the massive ruckus inside of eleven massive sumo wrestlers presumably beating the living daylights out of their somewhat arrogant American guest. However, this turns out to not be the case whatsoever, as we see the leader of the dojo bolt out of the building, terror stricken. Robbie bursts through the paper wall of this very traditional Japanese structure. He's covered in blood, grinning from ear to ear from the sheer calamity of the fracas. The leader of the dojo turns and says something to Robbie. Cyberjaw steps out through the portal Robbie created in the wall, along with Diamondback.

He says he wants mercy. You are the mightiest rikishi he has ever seen.

With that, the sounds of air raid sirens shatter the air. The world trembles.

Guys, you might wanna check your phones!

Diamondback shows the screen of his smart phone, and massive Kaiju are indeed attacking Japan, as they do. Robbie goes wide eyed.

Shit! They'll destroy the arena! How am I going to beat up people in front of a crowd without an arena!

Cyberjaw pulls out a syringe.

Here, this will help!

Robbie injects the syringe, filled with a glowing green substance, into his neck. His eyes almost bulge out of their sockets, and almost instantly Robbie is massive, the size of Godzilla, an awesome sight to behold. He steps on the sumo dojo, very possibly killing the sumo wrestlers inside, nope, they're all okay and standing around outside of the building's remains, then runs after the giant lizard bird monkey dog that's attacking Japan! As he runs, he prepares his notorious venom fueled fire breathing attack, as always, for the good of all mankind.

Well, here I be, big in Japan because I'm big everywhere I go. Coming to the battle royale as the primary feature, wrecking bodies left and right like I'm some insidious creature, selling out the Saitama, every box and each bleacher, scorching fools with hellfire, they'll go beg of their preacher because they're getting schooled, like first period, and I'm the new teacher.

Andrew Logan, the 38-year-old rookie, has no idea what it takes to be a name in this business. And he never fucking will. Showing gratitude towards Mackenzie, someone barely knowing where she fucking works, but daring to try to say anything disparaging about me, someone who has shed more blood in XWF arenas than his heart has ever pumped at the same time, in one breath, just puts his face next to the word "primadona" in any given dictionary. We get it, Andy, this was supposed to be your big coming out party, proof that you could hack it anywhere but the fucking nickel and dime world you come from in a whole damned universe, and whoops, you ran into a real monster.

Oh, shit, you're like the fake pirate who wasted time researching shit like this was a fucking college assignment. Did you cite your sources in proper MLA format before just chalking me up as a fatso then getting sad I called you a mutt? It doesn't fucking matter, I've been getting ready to wreck in a ring, not acting like I'm going into a match like it's the essay question on the finals for remedial English 115.

Shhh, shh, welcome to the actual big leagues, you're welcome for the education on what smacktalk sounds like. Being a doofus after football practice is so basic that even Broken Oswald could excel at it. No wonder you're tired after talking about 'all of us', looks like you'd get tuckered out just trying to say your ABC's. Not to say dumb isn't dangerous in a match; just not dangerous to me.

Don't chew gum and walk, because you seem primed to choke as is at Leap of Faith.

Oh, and Captain Acab? There won't be any timbers to shiver, no buckles to swash, no loot, no plunder, just a stupid parrot regurgitating words in Azrael Erebus. Sure, Az, you beat me, without your powers, but considering the global pandemic and racial tensions in the U.S., what the fuck are your powers worth anyhow? Does that mean the times I beat you, it was with your powers active or something? The power to look human, use human words, but still not sound like a person whatsoever? Ooh, ah, big fucking deal.

But, back to the walking cliche, I didn't do the research here, but I didn't feel I had to, but pirates like you went extinct hundreds of years ago. You want to question why the fuck I am in the opening match at a wrestling pay-per-view, it's because I'm on the road to proving that I can still last in a new era in the XWF, that I can still offer the fans something to cheer for, and lest we forget, to bring perdition to eleven fools setting themselves up like bowling pins to get knocked down and out. Never you mind that bowling alleys only set up ten pins.

I'm Robbie Bourbon, and I take this shit to eleven!

So why is it a fucking seventeen hundreds pirate is going to be in Japan, on a wrestling pay-per-view, singing and dancing his little jig?

Get back to us on that, or not, doesn't matter. You can't answer once I make you swallow your teeth. We've heard of pirates with fake legs, hands, and even eyes, you're going to be the Poligrip Pirate, the man with fake teeth after I kick yours in.

But hey, I reckon that's a sight better'n being the superstar of the methadone clinic, Docktor Trust. The shame of it is Liam Roberts is trying really, REALLY hard to compete with you there. Your daddy liked to annoy me?

I don't know who your daddy was and I don't give a shit. Pretty sure he figuratively sucked my left gonad literally trying to suck my left gonad. Annoy and pin aren't one in the same. I reckon I musta busted his ass somewhere down the line. Give him a call after I do the same to you, the both of you can bond over it. Father and son, united in an ass whooping given by me.

Brian Storm still sucks, good to see that hasn't changed while I was away. Congrats, Brian, for the first time in your career the crowd won't get up to take a piss or buy merch with my face on it during one of your matches, because they wanna see actual stars like me.

Dick Powers, funny name and proud to be a part timer. Glad you think this is like a ski trip in the alps. I'll be the avalanche, some kind of natural disaster coming down the mountain on you. I mean, sucks to be you, you've invoked the ire of someone around here, but they suck anyhow, so I guess you have that going for you?

We have Az, again, who wants to focus on how they beat me without powers. Funny, you're not the only person who's ever beaten me, I can admit I've lost here and there, but none of they used powers to beat me either. Kinda goofy that you have all these powers but, hey, home finance is what we need to hear about from you.

Fuck your powers. They mean dick.

We have a global pandemic, your powers haven't done shit.

Giant monsters are actively attacking Japan, and I'm chasing them down after injecting some radioactive goop into my jugular, your powers are fuck all.

Shit, with all your powers, you're about as interesting as Ghost Tank, or Broken Autism Septic Tank, or whatever he calls himself now that he's rich but using his wealth to just be a dullard. Wait, that's an insult to GT to say you're as interesting as him.

I have read bowls of Cheerios with more personality and charm than Az, and all they said was "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

Say, how do you get a schizophrenic on meth to go to sleep? Show it a McBride promo!

Robbie catches up to the giant monster. It screeches at him. Robbie hollers right back at him.

Fuck you!

Robbie walks confidently right up to the monster and throws an uppercut, this time not to the testicles, knocking the big doofy thing into space!