After getting rudely punched in the face a bunch of times at War Games, my spirits were kinda low. Initially, I believed those guys went off-script and as they say in the business, potatoed my fine ass but after the second or third possible concussion, I lost track, I began to suspect that this wrestling thing isn't as fake as I once thought.
That way my bad.
However, my job was done, I brought new eyes to my exciting sensual self and the XWF as a whole. Ratings went up, stocks went up and I even won Promo of the Month! Like dude, trust the most handsome being in the universe to not only get number one on The Billboard Hot 100 but release what everyone found to be the greatest promo they've ever fucking seen and I just did the one! All it takes! Imagine if I did TWO! You bitches would have been like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2 when she's at the playground, I dropped a second and you're all just sitting at home as your face is blown off by a megaton of cock rocking awesome attitude exploding from the screen!
And now I'm going to Japan! Asian bitches love Dick. I sit aboard my private jet, but not a weak ass private jet that Mastermind flies around. No, no, this jet has women on it and it's not some Greyhound bus with wings, this shit is a fine glass of Chardonnay soaring through the clouds. Yeah Mastermind, learn to fly in style you emo bitch. Anyway! I'm getting that good ol' sloppy toppy Samsung spin cycle in the bathroom and I mean that Thanksgiving Day gobble gobble with extra stuffing.
What I'm trying to say is my penis is being sucked by a beautiful woman.
I know I need to make things as clear as I can because well I'm talking to a wrestling audience or am I thinking this to a wrestling audience? *Gasp* am I being inceptioned? How does this narration biz actually work doe-OOOooooooooOOH GAWD I'm cumming!
"EEEEUUuuuuurgrhhhhhhhghghghgh hot DAMN!"
The girl stand up with a grin, wiping her mouth.
"Damn, girl, you my opponents for Leap of Faith? Because you suck hella dick!"
Fucking mental high-five Dick! Post nut clarity makes you witty as fuck.
*CLAP*
This bitch laughs and a little bit of jizz mixed with spittle flies from her mouth and lands on my silk kimono. Post nut clarity has confirmed that this is fucking gross and not hot.
GIRL: "I'm not fighting you, silly!"
"Ye-yeah! Shit, it's a good thing you're pretty."
She begins to twirl her long blonde hair.
GIRL: "You think I'm pretty?"
I guffaw. "Babe, you sucked my dick in a jet plane. If you were a 6 on the ground I just helped you hit a 9."
Note to self: That could have made a pretty sweet 69 sex joke, remember to use that later. I push past the lovely lady and exit the bathroom room, adjusting my kimono and mane of hair whilst returning to my seat; suddenly the jet jerks and hits a nasty patch of turbulence. My MDMA fueled guests panic slightly as the turbulence ends then panic a lot fucking more when the engines grow louder and we go into a nose dive! Jeez, this party is ruined, I make my way up towards the dick-pit, that's what I call the cockpit, as everyone screams in terror. I grab a petrified Riley Reed, my manger, not the pornstar, hate that I have to clarify that and slap some sense into him and shout over the horrific sound of the engines.
"Riles, I'm gonna find out what's going on, try and calm every down."
Riley gives a shaky nod as he stands terrified, gripping the seats to steady himself. Riley takes a deep breath as I gave him a supportive thumbs up.
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE!!!"
Nailed it. As everyone screams in terror I get to the dick-pit door and reassure the passengers.
"My dudes! Fear not, I, Dick Powers were the inspiration for the hit movie The Aviator! I would have played myself but the studio demanded I stay 40 feet away from any receptionists at the lot. Me and Harvey Weinstein did coke together, thank you for not judging me! Now, chill the fuck out and watch how this fat cocked sexy mother fucker treats this bird right."
The crowd cheer as I throw open the door and enter the dick-pit; slamming the door behind me I clap my hands together and breath a sigh of relief looking at the pilot.
"Okay Larry that should do it."
LARRY: "You got it, Dick!"
Larry steadies the jet and I hear the crowd cheer through the door, I give a smile and take a seat flicking through a nudie mag I keep on me at all times. Where do I keep it? I'll never tell. I proceed to pout and place a finger to my lips like a spicy baby... Larry looks over his shoulder at me.
LARRY: "The hell are you doing?"
I stare at him in silence for a moment before slowly moving back against the seat and going back to my magazine while clearing my throat.
"Soooo... How long should I wait before going back out there?"
LARRY: "I'd give it a minute."
"Hm... Wanna hear a funny/sexy story?"
LARRY: "Flying half a million dollars of metal through the sky on Xanax hear Dick, kinda need to concentrate."
I throw the magazine down and turn to Larry's back.
"Won't take long. Okay, so back in my 20s-"
Larry cuts me off.
LARRY: "Wait, I thought you said you're 28?"
Fuck.
"... Yes... Don't interrupt you ass! Anyway, I'm hanging out at this chick's studio apartment, wait I need a drink for this, you got a Margaritaville in this thing?"
Larry reaches into his front pocket and hands me a flask.
LARRY: "Help yourself."
That Larry, has his problems but damn he's resourceful. I take a swig of the whisky and wince.
"Ew! Tangy!" I clap my lips together in quick succession to try and do something, I dunno why people do that in all honesty. "So this chick, old money from New York but trying to make it her own with her Dad's credit cards out in LA. I'm over there, it's the early ninet- ... twenty-tens! Twenty-tens, yeah. So you know how it is, open flannel shirts exposing my ripped chest were the thing. You remember the tens, yeah?"
LARRY: "I try to forget them every day."
"Hahahaha! That's sad! So, she has this little chocolate fountain thing in the middle of her living room on a coffee table. We're sitting around the table on these little cushions and dipping strawberries into the chocolate and sensual feeding each other. Looking back I had to work so much harder than I do now. Seriously, people nowadays should appreciate these female role models for empowering sexual positivity."
I take another swig of the whisky and lean against the back of the pilot's seat to hand it back to Larry.
LARRY: "I'll drink to that!"
Larry takes a long pull of the flask.
"So we're there, eating chocolate strawberries, listening to Spin Doctors and I'm giving her the fuck eyes, she's biting her lip and the next you know we're on top of each other tearing off our clothes like animals."
LARRY: "Animals don't wear clothes."
He passes the flask back.
"Dude! Shut up!" Drink. "Anyway, this bitch is kinky she's all like 'oh I wanna lick chocolate off you' and I'm like 'as long as I have consensual sex I'm happy!' You know that it's basically my catchphrase. Little did my young(er) horny brain know, those chocolate fountains run hot as fuuuuuuuuck~" Larry sucks in air through his teeth. "This bitch pours the chocolate from the fountain onto my exposed chest and it runs down and settles into my pubes, scorching my cock!"
LARRY: "Yikes! What did you do?"
"I screamed, then cried as she's making a fuss over me. This stupid bitch just puts dry ass paper towels over me! Like what am I supposed to do there!? So I knock her out!"
LARRY: "You hit her!?"
"It was a gut reaction! Like who can be mad at me for that? What judge would send me down for that? Like, your honor the countdown to fucktown was on and then she poured scalding chocolate on my joint. What was i supposed to do? Fill up her box like a gas tank with the chocolate? I knocked her out to save her! Then I took the most satisfying cold shower of my life."
LARRY: "Shit! Was she okay, is your dick okay?"
I laugh. "Dude my dick has been stellar since I hit puberty. I was pretty raw for a few days but no serious damage, and she was fine! Even got a pity blowjob after... Weirdly it felt better when one of her teeth was loose... Does that make me a bad person?"
LARRY: "Have you ever wanted to do it again?"
"No! Of course not!" But I have thought about it... Larry takes a sip of the flask as I clap his back. "What would you do in that situation, Larry?"
When clapping his back he jolts forward, spilling some whisky onto the control panel in front of him. I panic a little.
LARRY: "Dammit."
"Oh fuck! Did anything break?"
LARRY: "What?" He wipes the board clean. "No of course not, it was just a few drops. It'll take a lot more than that to fry this shit."
The dick-pit door swings open with Riley barreling in.
"DICK! Look at how many open champagne bottles I can carry!"
It's at least NINE very impressive! I would say that if the chubby bastard didn't just trip and demolish the board with $500 champagne! The circuits fry, electricity pops off in front of us and the engines shut down, we all fall back as the jet goes into a nosedive. Screams come from the cabin behind us as we also scream in terror.
"Larry!!! Pull out! PULL OUT!!!"
"Pull UP!"
"Yeah that! Force of habit, sorry."
Larry pulls back on the... Steering wheel? What's that called? Flightstick. WHATEVS! Not important right now! Larry tries his best but to no avial, the blue of the ocean is seen coming closer towards us. Riley grabs my hand in panic.
"DICK! Use your ghost powers! Save us!!!"
"Riley you limey cunt I have NO GHOST POWERS!!!" He must never know... "If we don't make it, Riley, I fucked your mom. I fucked your mom so many times and I did it solely out of spite towards you!"
Riley looks to me wide-eyed and a wash of understanding over him.
"I've been pissing in your coffee since the first day you hired me!"
"I know!" We glare at each other, this next part is hard to say. "I've tried other coffee, I think yours is better! I'm sick, Riley, I'm real fucking sick!"
LARRY: "I'm D.B Cooper! I'm actually D.B Cooper! This is the universe taking revenge on me, I know it!"
WOAH! That's fucking awesome!
Shit.
Shit.
Shit!!!
There has to be something I can do!
My grip tightens around Riley's hand.
"Riley! ... I had sex with a 6 and made her a 9! We 69'ed!!!"
"HA! Great joke, Dick! I'll die happy now!"
As the jet falls at great speed we do the only thing we can do.
"Am I dead? Am I alive!? So many questions are unanswered!"
"Man, I'm such a good wrestler! This shit is easy. So, ya boi Thicc Dick is back at it again with raising the ratings. Now, I've been out the game a while and I don't recognize a single name in this match which is pretty sad and there's a full orgy going on! Like, is wrestling so underground now they couldn't afford to pick a star for this most prestigious battle royale except for the 6 foot of fuck that stands in front of you? That's gay!"
"And I can say that because I dig guys too."
"I also got the N-Word pass but I'm saving that for when I go to a Tech N9ne concert!"
"So, I'm going to take a wild guess and say every dumb mother fucker in this match is going to waste valuable real estate giving their thoughts on each individual person like a goddamn idiot. While galaxy brain Dr. Dick is going to take all these worthless jobbers and wrap them up into a gelatinous cube of curtain jerkers and washed up has-beens; so it's going to be Dick Powers, the devilishly handsome fan-favorite who eats pussy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner versus some weird kind of Katamari Damacy of failed troglodytes who could never truly break the business because they're too green or too lazy or too drunk to get their shit together to actually stick around for more than a month at a time or they're just simply not good enough to be here."
"This is part-time for me, this is a fun activity on the weekend like War Games was. This to me is skiing in the alps."
"To you, you wretched rejects of an abortion clinics dumpster, this is your livelihood! And this is where you sit!"
"Jeez, like whatever I'm fine anywhere, I'm not even a real wrestler! But who has all their eyes glued to this match? Who has the star power, the sex appeal and the swagger to carry this opener into an actual event?"
"I walk into a Denny's and turn it into Five Guys."
"I eat a restaurant and it gains a Michelin star."
"I walk on water and make it steam."
"You, you mix and match of whose left on the roster that we need to get on pay-per-view, you terrifying experiment of lego and spare animal parts. Exist."
"You exist and therefore are given pity."
"You get this match with me and nothing more."
"You are chopped liver, dog's genitals waiting to get neutered, the red-headed step-child, the queef after a gangbang, you are Yamcha from Dragonball Z coming up to a golden god, Adonis etched in marble, Dick mother fucking Powers baby! When I turn right in the ring y'all better duck or else you'll be over the ropes quicker than Big D embarrasses himself in a promo."
"This will be fun! For me!"
"It's going to be brutal for you guys, it's pretty hilarious actually."
"So!" I clasp my hands together. "Good luck Frankenstein, hopefully, one of your parts shines brighter than the rest so I can pick on that one with my classic charm and Dick wit to make this less of a steamroll than it is right now and be sure to tune in next time to see if I fucking died."
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