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Chris Page · (07-10-2020)

Chapter 2: Funeral for a Friend

”We have gathered here today…” Our scene opens as the voice of Chris Page is heard before he’s seen standing under a 10x10 tent on a grassy hill at an undisclosed cemetery. We see tombstones in the background and the distance as Chris is shown standing at a small podium shirtless while sporting a black leather sport coat and a black scarf around his neck. ”to mourn a the loss of a legacy, the loss of a not so great linage.” There’s a brief pause from Chris before he states.

”What lays before us is what I like to call a mockery…” The camera pans back revealing a picture on a tripod.

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The picture sits beside a black coffin with the lid up with a version of the Television Championship resting on the pillow.

”A piece of shit title that’s reputation has been besmirched by the Xtreme Wrestling Federation for well over a decade; a Championship that carries as much meaning or importance as the Heavymetalweight Title and now with its recent holder has been relegated to nothingness.” Chris speaks with sheer conviction as the wind starts to pick up blowing his luscious locks as the sun beats down around the tent. ”It’s because of worthless sack of shit that isn’t capable of coming up with a clever gimmick and who relies on something we’ve seen on HBO in order to get over; you all know him as Thunder Knuckles.”

“Dolla Dolla Bills y’all.” A sound clip of Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down plays.

”I know him as a second rate professional wrestler whose biggest claim to fame is being carried to a War Games victory by whom? Oh yeah… Cataclysm. A guy that will have you believe in one segment he’s going to beat me two straight but in the next admits he can’t.” The words fucking moron come to mind if you really sit back and compare what the fuck this shitbag has to say when it comes to yours truly. It’s like the perception changes when you’re bitch slapped verbally. Amusing for sure. ”He’s a guy that regardless of what comes out of his mouth you can smell the stench of Graves cock a mile a way… but the biggest thing he’s known for is tanking the Television Championship division which why we’re all here today.” Chris steps out from behind the podium where he walks behind the casket leaning over the open door looking down at the Television Championship.

”We’re going to go ahead and bury this dead title for in twenty four hours I’m going to officially take it away from ole jerry curl and discard it because it’s pointless….” Chris closes the lid on the casket sealing the Television Championship replica to eternal damnation. He pats the casket lightly with his left hand as he states.[i] ”The real thing will be joining you soon.” [i]Chris stares intently towards the camera. ”But I don’t want any of you to worry, I don’t want you to fret for when I take the only thing that makes Thunder Cunt relevant away and I banish that tainted title six feet under I’m going to resurrect something else…” Chris steps back as the casket starts to lower down into the ground in the grave that’s been pre-dug. It slowly drops and as it starts to reach ground level and as it does…

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Chris reaches down picking up the Canadian Championship where he holds the belt out towards the camera as he continues.

”The Canadian Championship.” Chris draws the title back in where he rests it on his left shoulder with the face plat of the title facing the camera. ”The Canadian Championship is a title this federation had a decade ago and is a Championship that’s actually worth fucking having. Why? I’m glad you asked, because it’s based off of doing what I do best; pure wrestling.” Chris cracks a smirk as he looks towards the Canadian Championship before redirecting back towards the camera as he continues. ”You bring your belt… I’m going to bring mine, let’s hang them both from that ladder and let’s see who the better man truly is like I already know I am.” The casket has completely lowered into the ground when four men in green coveralls emerge on screen wielding shovels. The camera pans back further displaying a mound of dirt. The men start to shovel the dirt from the pile on to the casket six feet below.

”Thunder, your fate was sealed the moment this contest was signed and in twenty four hours the fairytale that is your run as a Champion finally comes to an end, and with this ending comes an end to a Championship that not even someone with my star power can save… while in its place will emerge a Championship that will actually be sought after by legitimate talents spanning globe just begging to get in the ring and wrestle me! “ Chris takes the Canadian Championship off his shoulder before hoisting it up in the air as the sounds of shovels digging the dirt can be heard before being tossed on to the casket. ”Drink it in.” The scene slowly fades to black.

WORD’S FROM THE STONED ONE:

For fucks sake where do I start with you TK? Do you realize how fucked you are at this point? All you had to do was open that mouth and speak and it’s given me way more ammunition than I need to go ahead and knock you out the way and send you back to East Bound and Down. First, correct you sold us out and made a shitload of cash at War Games… you’ll have to excuse me when I find humor in how you attempt to boast upon it like A) it cost us anything and B) that you gave me 25k of it. Shall I post a screen shot since that seems to be the cool thing to do? Fucking idiot. Alright, now that the easy shot has been fired I can get down to business and put this away once and for all before kicking back with two belts around my waist. Let’s take a minute and actually talk about you, TK. You literally have taken a television series to an entirely different level, the crazy thing about televisions series is they either get canceled or run its course and not getting renewed, kinda like the show you pad likeness after. While I’d love to say that you fall into the canceled side of the equation I actually liked the show but you’ve reached the time where your run as Television Champion is not going to be renewed come the close of Savage. You’ve elected to steer this ship into a Three Stages of Hell affair and have the gall to think you’re going to defeat me in two straight attempts let alone in Stage One which you’ve all but served to me on a silver platter? You are seriously as stupid as Kenny Powers to think that I’m going to allow you to disgrace ME in a Professional Wrestling ring? Bruh, I say this with the nicest possible intentions… Fuck off. That’s a pipe dream at best and I’d be shockingly surprised if Stage One remotely comes close to your precious time limit because we all know you’re going to be counting on the clock to survive a pure wrestling match with someone of my talents and abilities; you’re not Robert Main, you’re not Shawn Warstein, you’re nowhere near the caliber and I’m going to exploit it.

This is going to be easier than I thought.

What’s Stage Two? A Falls Count Anywhere Match?

About as lame as your head of hair you ignorant cunt..

See kids this is what happens when you let oblivious bitches select stipulations. The only thing different from Stage’s One and Two is No Disqualifications, and once we establish you’re not capable of out wrestling me how the fuck is it going to be believable that you can out fight me! Goddamnit dude you’re Peter Gilmour kinda special if your mind is deluded enough to think you remotely stand a chance to leave Savage with that strap around your waist. Stage One I’m going to break your mind while Stage Two I’ll crush your spirits when there’s everything at my disposal that’s not nailed down as an instrument of destruction to play all over your body.

But if by some chance Jesus feels the need for some divine intervention and you do the unthinkable by defeating me in one of the first two stages, you’re leaving your fate in the hands of a Ladder Match.

The one match that everyone knows is put into the place to protect the loser; in this case, you, shield you so that you have some legs to stand on to lobby for a rematch… and a rematch you shall have… just as soon as Graves gets his just due; since you know, you COULDN’T beat him… and then you can get shattered again. Face it buttercup there’s only one way to look at this entire scenario that you’ve dictated… failure. You and your “hetero life mate” are going to ride off into the sunset without a gold belt validating your mere existence. I didn’t ask for this opportunity and I appreciate the acknowledgements knowing that I am your single biggest obstacle to date and I’m coming to bum fuck Wisconsin to prove a point and make a statement at your expense. You’re the man that pretends to give a shit about not beating a previous challenger within a time limit and you’re the man that’s just slapped each stage of our contest with that very time limit and I’m the man that doesn’t give a shit about them or you for that matter. The thing you fail to come to grips with rests with I’m built to go the distance so even if this thing goes forty-five minutes there’s still plenty of gas in the tank. Can you say the same?

What sucks for you is I’m coming off a very rare loss which means this is the bounce back affair when you’re name is Chris Page. It means that I’ve got to use you as a tool to once again re-establish dominance which is exactly what I intend to do and it just so happens that you’re carrying a piece of gold in the process. I’ve made my intentions known when this formality of a match is said and done that Professional Wrestling is going to make a comeback within the land of xtreme. We will consider that one of my many fuck yous to a company that’s stock continues to drop on a daily basis because God forbid we actually wrestle in a company that calls themselves a wrestling promotion. With the strap slung over my other shoulder Cataclysm will officially take the next step in our plan to continue to dominate this fucking federation. Don’t think for one second you’re anything other than the single biggest placeholder champion I’ve ever seen. We capture the TV title and then we’re capturing the Xtreme Title, consider that cat officially out of the bag. We will single handedly hold the fate of three divisions in the palm of our hands without breaking a sweat while most of you struggle to form a complete goddamn sentence. You’re all going to force to your knees and worship the ground we walk on because without us you don’t exist. We’re the money in this federation, we’re the measuring sticks when it comes to what true talent is and we’re the two guys that will have a stronghold around the throat of this federation as we start to choke the life out of it like a python; slowly constricting with each breath the XWF takes until the time is right for us to take it all and end this pipe dream that this place is anything but a fucking joke. Take solace Thunder Knuckles that you’re being allowed to play such a small role in such a draw out plan… but don’t think for one fucking second that you can foil it, you’re not talented enough. Once I steam roll over you all eyes shift towards Leap of Faith where I will attempt to make a little more history by not only successfully defending what will then be my Television Championship and not only will I be successful in defending the XWF Tag Team Championship and not only will Robert Main capture the XWF Xtreme Championship… but if selected to compete in the Leap of Faith Match I’m going to win that briefcase too! But you TK, you have the opportunity to play spoiler… I’m sure there’s a few people that might actually think that you stand a chance; for those poor saps that think that’s remotely an option might I suggest you’re setting yourselves up for a massive disappointment. Cataclysm is right on track with our plans and it’s only going to get more dangerous from here. While most of you live under a glass ceiling guys like Robert and I shatter it every time we take center stage. Two weeks ago I delivered one of the greatest matches of 2020 and while I fell short I’m going to bounce back in just a few short days by staking claim to the XWF Television Championship by doing what I do best… stealing the show. Thunder Knuckles can go ahead and thank me now for lending him some credibility even if for one week. We all know what I’m bringing to the table; question is what are you? We’re going to find out on Savage because come Saturday Night I’m going to make you famous. When the final bell tolls and that announcement is made that there’s a new reigning and defending XWF Television Champion you’re going to finally understand exactly what everyone else that’s come before you understand… losing to Chris Page doesn’t mean you suck, it just means you’re like everyone else.

In closing I’ll leave you with these parting words.

Fuck you.

Now that joke is out of the way let me shift my attention towards upper management; yeah Theo and Vinnie. You boys haven’t answered our challenge and Robert and I are getting sick of waiting. The way we see it once we monopolize the divisions we choose to monopolize and hold the fate of your company in our hands it’s going to be too late for either of you to finally man the fuck up. We’re giving you both the chance to do the right thing and answer for the decisions you’ve made by shitting all over the work we’ve put into making this federation fucking mean something again. You both are put on notice that we are coming and it’s going to be too late in the game for you to catch up. Pay close attention to what I do your precious darling on Savage for you see everything that I’ve professed shall start taking form.

People thought when I turned Robert to the dark side that was the big finale and those people are foolish.

Robert is just the beginning of a much bigger story that you’re all entirely too senseless to comprehend.

And based off what I’ve heard over the course of the last several weeks it’s crystal clear that originality from my opponents isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Everything Thunder Knuckles has said about me was cool back in November of last year when Shane

tried it first. It just baffles my mind how pitiful most of you are when it comes to slangin’ the proverbial shit talk. I expect so much more from you but I can’t be entirely disappointed because you’re average at best. I’m going to take a lot of pride in taking your TV Title and resurrecting the Canadian Title in the process because at least then we can start to make the XWF great again.

Don’t like where all this is going? Tough shit… there’s nothing you’re going to do to be able to stop it.

Thank you.

Fuck you.

Bye.

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