"This is boring."


I grumble, my bellyaching fueled by more than boredom, due to the fact that my belly is actually aching and I'm hungry.


"It feels like we've been staking out this place for nine million years."


I get like this when I'm hungry, first comes the whining, then comes the monster. Okay, maybe not that rapidly, there is definitely a few stages in-between and I have several hours before the unholy, nightmare creature, unleashes its wicked presence but I want to eat now. Me want brains! Oh god... I'm going into zombie cookie monster mode, this isn't good. Pull it together Zane, hang in there and whatever you do, don't repeat that bit about brains, aloud. Mick Ashcroft is a busy vampire, he has a lot that he deals with in his afterlife, what with being a detective and yet, he took time away from his hectic schedule and heard you out when you called, a little while back. When you voiced your outrage and concerns, regarding Head-Hunters. The zombie run eatery/night club. He listened to you complain about the atrocity of farming humans for their brains and how you were against such a vile act and he even agreed with your opinions, offering to investigate the place, with you in tow. Which means he was starting to respect you and not merely view you as nothing but a "rotter" so don't blow it and ruin everything by turning into a toddler, over your growing need to ingest brains. Oh fuck... but I'm so hungry. This is torture. My inner demon and my brain are at war with one another.


"We've been here for two hours, tops. What's the matter with you?"


"Nothing. It's nothing really. I just didn't know, we'd be going on this stakeout tonight and work was busy and..."


"And?"


"I didn't get to 'pick up' anything for 'dinner' before I left."


"Alright, is that going to be a problem?"


"No, not really. It's just..."


I sink in my seat, feeling myself deflate, like a lime colored balloon with a hole in it.


"I'm kinda... sorta, really hungry. And..."


My head dips forward and I sigh heavily, in defeat.


"Me want brains."


"Did you seriously just say... me want brains?"


This is so embarrassing! I couldn't even bring myself to utter another sound, much less raise my eyes and avert my attention to Mick, so instead I continue to stare at the floor of his automobile and simply nod. Pathetic. I know. No wonder zombies are looked at like the lower form of the undead.


Still better than wendigos though.


Suddenly, I hear Mick burst out laughing. Long, loud and hearty laughter. Which summons my focus from the floor of his car. That's when I see him fire up a cigarette and take a long drag as he starts up his vehicle, momentarily shifting his gaze to me.


"Looks like we need to find you something to eat."


"How? I can't do what you do, pluck a person off the street and use them for my next meal, that would mean murder. I don't want to kill anyone."


Puff of smoke and another pull from his cigarette, Mick states patiently.


"I'm not suggesting anything of the sort."


"Then how am I obtaining dinner?"


With a chuckle, Mick exhales a cloud of smoke and begins to drive.


"Relax. I know a guy."


"You know a guy?"


"I know a guy."


Interesting. He knows a guy. Wonder what that means?




"Oh wow, Barney Green. You're already dead. Neat. And you say that there's only electricity flowing through your veins, so I shouldn't attempt to make a snack out of you. Well, I'm not sure why that matters, I mean you still have a brain, right? That's the only part that I require when it comes to my special dietary needs. Not to worry though, I don't try to make it a habit of feasting on my co-workers' brains. Plus, you've been conjured from ashes, which makes me think that you've been dead for quite awhile and I prefer a far more... fresher quality. Not from the living, of course but I work for a morgue and tend to acquire my sustenance from the recently deceased."


"But I'm for sure, down to brawl with you. I've participated in some brutal battles and they've always been loads of fun. Still the best part about our fight is that you're dead too. That means I can do whatever I want to you, without worry. I've experienced my fair share of stern talks from Theo, when I get overly zealous and wild, with the living. It always feels like I'm back in high school and the principal called me into his office to scold me, after I got caught fucking around and doing something 'bad'. Displeased scowl and all. Makes me uncomfortable and I find myself repeatedly apologizing and nodding in agreement with everything, whilst staring at my shoes. I think I've even called him sir, a couple of times."



"Theo isn't cool like Vinnie Lane, who pretty much lets me run rampant. On top of that, Vinnie is very wise when it comes to the choices that he makes, in order to improve the company's entertainment value. See, when the fans witness me enter a zombie rage, they go nuts and happy fans, equals ratings. Which explains why he encourages me to release my ravenous side, whenever I want and rip my opponents to shreds. He does run Anarchy and nothing screams anarchy, like a frenzied zombie attacking folks."


"However, since I know you're an animated corpse now, I can bring even more fury and monstrous mayhem to Warfare. I can tear you limb from limb. Plunge my fist through your chest and pull out your heart. Or wait, even better... I'll yank out your spinal chord. Yeah. Now that's the one. That's the ticket, right there. Can't stand without a spine holding you up. Oh my god! I could decapitate you too! Finally! I get to be the one that does the decapitating! Ahhh! I'm soooo excited! This is going to be my favorite match ever! Thank you for this, Barney and to show my appreciation, I'll pay for the glue that's needed to reattach your head."


"Heck, I'll even help you glue it back on, it's no trouble. No trouble, at all. I know what a hassle it can be to adhere your own head, back onto your body. The worst part, is picking it back up, so you can return it to its rightful place. After I got decapitated, my body kicked my head, all around the backstage area of Anarchy. I was practically re-creating the scene from The Young Ones, where Vyvyan's body was kicking his head around, minus the train tracks. Eventually, Raphael Blackwater grabbed my head off the floor and I was able to affix it to my body, still that was super annoying. So I got you, man."


"That being said, do not mistake my kindness, for weakness. I'm still totally going to destroy you in that ring. Go absolutely, creature from hell ballistic and mangle you, right in the center of that squared circle. You will know, what it's like to be mutilated, in front of a screaming crowd. Maybe I'll even sever you completely in half. Have your guts and organs spilling out, all over the canvas."


"Now that would be hardcore."


"It might be a little more difficult to put you back together, after the match but I'm pretty good with a needle and thread. I work in a morgue after all, I kind of have to be."


"Well, now you know what you have to look forward to Barney, prepare yourself for the most vicious, goriest, inhumane match, you ever fought in your entire career. Yay! This going to be fucking epic! I can't wait!"

1x X-Treme Champ
1x Hart Champion
1x SOTM November 2018