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X-treme Wrestling Federation » Anarchy Boards » Anarchy Results
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CORONARCHY - 3/12/20
Author Message
"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane Offline
The Guy
*********
Administrators



XWF FanBase:
Some of everyone

(cheered; very rarely plays dirty but isn't lame either; many likable qualities)


#1
03-12-2020, 07:06 PM







LIVE!!!




FROM THE GIANT CENTER IN HERSHEY, PENNSYLVANIA!






Barney Green
- vs -
DREZDIN
Empty Arena Match!

Drez, Barn, and a referee will be the only people inside the Giant Center. No one would buy tickets for this shit!





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The scene opens up to “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane sitting in a swivel chair in front of his desk in the XWF HQ - wherever exactly that is at the moment. Vinnie is wearing what amounts to a turban, covering his burned and bald head in a gold shiny fabric wrapped around his cranium like some sort of swami.


Vinnie Lane: “You know dudes, when I booked this ridiculous episode and rented this entire building out of my own pocket, I figured it would be really cool and unique… like… who does events with no audience these days, you know? Then all of a sudden EVERYONE started doing it! There’s sporting events all over the world in empty arenas right now! I’m a total trendsetter, dude!”


Vinnie air guitars with a big grin on his face. A gnarly lip curl lets us know he’s using the air-whammy bar. Then he stops and reaches for his computer mouse, clicking on the screen to play the live feed streaming from the inside of the Giant Center in Hershey, Pennsylvania.

The view zooms in on the computer screen until everything is just a full-screen POV of the arena, with Vinnie’s voice still audible in the background like some kind of nasal-voiced narrator, but without a speech impediment. Only Gilmour’s promos have a speech impediment. That’s his trademark, and now that’s how you’ll always hear them.


Vinnie Lane: “Now… Barney Green has been locked in the arena for like two days. I know, that seems really cruel, but I wanted to make sure he was in a NASTY mood tonight, man. He’s been living off of stale popcorn and toilet water. The good news is he has ZERO chance of COVID-19, as he’s basically been in quarantine since early Tuesday.”


Right on cue, a door on the screen opens and a haggard-looking Barney Green staggers into view like some sort of zombie. He is definitely not in a good mood, and has not been using a drop of that toilet water for bathing, I can tell you that much. You can almost smell him through the screen. Like… there’s showers there, right? Why wouldn’t he shower? Did no one tell him or did he just think it was okay? Ohhhh! Maybe it’s a tactic? To make himself so gross that Drezdin gags every time he comes close. Smart, Barney. Real smart. He might be crazy, but he’s crazy like a FOX.


Vinnie Lane: “As for Drezdin… okay, so, we had to trick him. It’s no shock that Drez had zero interest in taking part in this match, you know? So I wrote him a letter asking if he wanted to come touch my boobs, signed it “Love Alinity XOXOXO” and mailed it to his mom’s house, where I knew he would be. Because he lives there. It’s only like twenty minutes from here, and I told him I’d be here naked waiting for him. I mean - not ME - Alinity would be. With her boobs. For him to fondle or whatever. So, he’ll probably be here any-”


The front door of the arena bursts inward and Drezdin crashes into view with his sweat pants around his ankles and a dozen gas station roses in his hand. The kind that are actually cheap pairs of panties rolled up to look like flower petals. You know what I’m talking about. Right when Drez sees Barney standing there and slowly realizes the hoax, crewmen slam the door shut behind him and bar it closed from the outside. Drezdin is trapped in the arena with Barney Green! He starts hammering on the door with his bare ass still hanging out for the world to see, but it’s no use, he’s trapped.


Vinnie Lane: “Uhhh… oh! Ding ding ding I guess! There’s no bell in there. Aw crap there’s no ref either. I guess I’ll have to make the counts. Oops!”


Barney approaches Drezdin while he’s still pounding on the door, trying to get out, and he stops to point and yell at him. Apparently he’s telling him to pull up his pants. I say “apparently” but I mean “definitely” because there’s audio on the feed.

“Pull up your pants, Drezdin. I can see your butthole.”

“WHAT! YOU SHUT UP BARNEY!”

Then Barney broke a toilet seat of Drezdin’s head. Kinda weird that I hadn’t noticed Barney holding that but here we are. It snapped in two right across Drezdin’s oddly-shaped head, dropping tall pantsless Drez down onto the floor. Barney then yanks Drezdin’s sweats up to cover his ridiculously pale behind. Thanks Barn. You’re the best.

Drezdin hooks a low blow into Barney’s nads, and Barn’s legs buckle. Drez hammers Barney with punches but he kinda hits like a girl. Like stupid little kid punches with no real skill or accuracy. He’s also screeching in this weird high pitched whine the entire time. He sounds like a teapot on a stove burner, but like that tea pot is also a virgin? Weird metaphor. Just go with it.

Eventually Barney shakes off the pain from having his nuts punched and covers his head from Drezdin’s little baby girl punches. He slams his head into Drezdin’s face and Drez flops onto his back. Barney leaps onto him with a senton, and doesn’t actually go for any sort of pin, but he IS technically on top of him so Vinnie counts.


Vinnie Lane: “Onetwo… Aw man. Totally hoped that was it. LET’S GO BARNEY!”


Barney pulls Drezdin to his feet and tosses him into some of the empty seating. The chairs clatter to the floor but there’s five of them in that section left standing. It’s the dreaded Greek Church. Barney, a seasoned bowler, sees his conundrum immediately and takes a step back to pontificate. He looks at the chairs from different angles. He checks the wind speed, which, of course, is zero inside the arena… but you can never be too sure in the sport of kings. Oh, did you think that was horse racing? Well it’s not, you’re a . It’s bowling.

Barney produces a bowling glove from his back pocket which I swear to god I had no idea he had with him but I guess he just sort of always does. He then powders his hand and fluffs one of those little grip sacks. That’s what they’re called. He then grabs Drezdin by the scruff of the neck and the back of his sweat pants waistband, and chucks him right into the chairs. All five go down! It’s a spare! Barney pumps his fist and we can hear Vinnie Lane clapping. Then a little number five in a box gets written on the screen by a telestrator no one knew Vinnie had, followed by a right-facing slash.


Vinnie Lane: “Go for a turkey, Barn!”


Barney gives a thumbs up to the camera feed. Can he hear Vinnie? BARNEY! CAN YOU HEAR US??? I’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN THIS ROOM SINCE 1999!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!


Vinnie Lane: “Dude… looks like we need a pre-recorded musical break while SOMEONE gets reminded about keeping his stupid cornhole shut. Let’s go to the tape!”

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[Image: gR8affl.png]

When the scene comes back to the match, Drezdin is hanging off of a balcony while Barney punches him in the fingers. Pay no attention to the earlier cry for help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone narrating any matches and the XWF treats us all very well.

Barney pounds his fists down onto both of Drezdin’s hands like an angry gorilla and Drez lets go of the ledge. He falls down to the floor below and farts on impact. Kinda strange. Have to assume he pooped himself, but really that’s just wild speculation. There’s no EVIDENCE of this, but let’s just assume it.


Vinnie Lane: “Now’s your chance Barney! FULFILL YOUR DESTINY!!!”


Green clambers up onto the ledge of the balcony, looking down at Drezdin on the floor who is squirming around exactly like someone who might have just pooped his pants would do. Barney makes the sign of the cross over his chest and then spreads his arms out wide, falling forward from the balcony in a massive belly flop onto Drezdin! Barney flattened him! There’s no way Drez can recover from that devastating move, especially since theoretically speaking it MUST have made him empty his bowels even more! Allegedly!

Barney is barely moving himself, but he manages to drape an arm on top of Drezdin!


Vinnie Lane: “One! Two! … Heh. Yeah right. Barn… you burned my hair off. You tried to kill me. You think I would turn around and give you a free win on MY show? Jesus Christ, you really are a moron. Get him!”


From somewhere in the hallways of the arena, four large men emerge, all wearing germ-proof masks. Two of them have long curly hair, one blonde and one brunette… oh! It’s the Disintigrators! Vinnie Lane’s old friends! Johnny Steele and Dave Mustang drag Barney off of Drezdin and start giving him the business. We’re talking kicks. Punches. More kicks. Forearms. Punches. It’s pretty effective, as Barney is barely able to even evade half of the blows. They toss their masks aside and spit right in Barney’s face! That’s so unsanitary and irresponsible right now! The third man drops his hood from his electric blue sweatshirt and reveals his buzzcut hair and neatly trimmed goatee after ripping off his own mask… is that… could it be? We haven’t seen him anywhere near a wrestling show in years, but I think that’s him! It is! “The Iceman” Alex Braun! He’s been doing stunts over in the Extreme Warfare franchise, but he’s a lifelong friend of Vinnie Lane and even appeared in a few promos back in 2014… and he’s back!

Braun cups Barney’s chin in his hand and then splits his eyebrow with a precision punch right to the eye. Barney’s knees buckle and now he’s basically being held up by the Disintigrators, each one keeping him vertical by grabbing him by one of his arms. Alex Braun carves him up with knife edge chops so vicious they actually tear rips into Barney’s Boston Bruins tee shirt. Braun rips it the rest of the way off and then gives another big chop, leaving a bright red welt across Barney’s pasty chest.


Vinnie Lane: “YES! YES! MORE! BEAT HIM DOWN! CRIPPLE HIM! PUT HIM IN THE FRIGGIN’ HOSPITAL!”


The fourth man now saunters up to Braun and prevents him from hitting another chop, and he tosses his own hood back. His bald, sunburned head glints in the low light, and when he unzips the front of his seater and the gold chain with a large confederate flag pendant comes into view, it becomes obvious. Another old running buddy of both Vinnie and Alex, the man known only as REBEL.

REBEL motions to the ‘Grators, and they spin Barney around. REB turns and puts his own back to Barney’s, then grabs him under his arms. He lifts him in a crucifix position and slams him high and hard onto the concrete with a massive General Lee’s Revenge! Barney is twitching, but otherwise practically unconscious as foam starts to bubble out of his mouth. REBEL drops to the ground and snatches Barney’s arms and bends them back, applying the ridiculously painful Mississippi Burning onto the All Night Tranny Thrilla! That wakes Green up, and he starts screaming in pain. Alex Braun grabs Barney’s legs and folds them into a cloverleaf! The Deep Freeze is locked in in tandem with Mississippi Burning, and soon enough Barney Green passes out from the pain.


Vinnie Lane: “Teach that piece of crap a lesson! Don’t mess with your boss, you IDIOT!”


The Disintigrators drag Drezdin over to Barney and toss him on top of the unmoving Green. REBEL pulls off his hospital mask and tosses it down on top of the pile of battered humanity with a smirk.


Vinnie Lane: “One! Two! Three! Four! Five! I could count to a million you WORTHLESS CHUMP! YOU LOSE! YOU LOSE TO DREZDIN! SCREW YOU!!!”


Winner by Pinfall - DREZDIN



The four friends of Vinnie Lane start putting the boots to both Barney and Drezdin as Anarchy fades from the airwaves. What on Earth has Barney done...



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Thanks Atara!

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[-] The following 5 users Like "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane's post:
Atara Raven (03-12-2020), Madison Dyson (03-12-2020), Peter Fn Gilmour (03-12-2020), red-x (03-21-2020), Thunder Knuckles™ (03-12-2020)




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