So this week on IZombie, no wait sorry, Anarchy, XWF's very own e-boy- Zombie has the honor of getting his ass kicked first by the psycho brat Kalel fucking Drake! Ohhhh this is so exciting! It's like my very own zombie movie! I've gotta tell you I've waited for this my entire life! Kalel shows off a large black bag full of stabby things with a large smile on her face. A shit ton of people say I couldn't handle the pressure buuuuuut if you're anything like I think you are you're going to be more of a the walking dead kinda zombie instead of a 28 days later kinda zombie and that's right up my ally. Slow. Boring. And the living aka me is waaaaay more scary than the zombie aka you. Get it? Got it? Sweet. Kalel tosses the bag behind her hitting the wall making everything scatter around on the ground.

Just kidding! Kinda. I don't think corporate would like it if I beheaded the e-boy heartthrob that's every 13-year-old emo girls dream. There's a lot of em and they probably count for 40 percent of ratings when you're on the show. That's gotta be the reason they keep you around. I mean, have you looked in a mirror? Wait, maybe no cause if you have you wouldn't look like you do. WAIT! It's vampires that can't see their reflections, not zombies duh, sorry, forgot my horror movie monster cliches mixed up there. Kalel giggles. Aaaanyways I should probably stop joking and get serious. Under her breath Kalel begins to speak, then again you’re a joke without a punchline. After a sigh Kalel moves on.

Let’s talk about ability. Yours are...Undead. Supernatural senses, combat skills, stamina, endurance, durability, and agility. Zombie rage. Kalel pauses before bursting into laughter. Someone’s been watching waaaaaay to much television. Like, rip off much? Zane Norrison? More like Liv Moore with a little hair dye and a bad choice in career paths. What supernatural senses do you have huh? Can you smell hot sauce from like three inches away? And what kinda bullshit abilities are combat skills, stamina, endurance, durability, and agility? I’ll tell ya, all that spells duhhhhhhh I don’t have no muscles so running away and praying my opponent gets tired and lays down for a nap is my only way to win a match duhhhhhhh. Oh oh oh and let me guess when you go into full on zombie, oops sorry zombie rage, do your eyes turn all red and you get all vainy? And I bet it only happens when you're really mad or really hungry right?! I can’t wait to see that up close and personal, it’s like the incredible hulk only with a very pale motherfucker that’s not really that incredible. I get you gotta keep up appearances for the 13-year-olds but if you want to wrestle you have to have some meat on those bones, like, I feel like I'll break your spine with Me-OW! How you've held championships is beyond me with how weak you look.

Speeeeeeaking of, isn’t it weird how a past champion has been MIA since like, December? Like where are you, dude? Did you decide to go back to making tic tok videos for the little zombea fan club you have going on? Did you see the light and realize you just aren’t cut out for this business? Zane the sweet little laid back loving Zombie couldn’t dig the life. How do you even feed, like, do you just go around "hey, so like, yea, I'm hungry. Do you think that I could like crack open your skull and like take some of your brain?" How are you not dead? Again?! How have you gotten anywhere with that heart of gold crap you put on? Seriously? Well zombie, I'm about to drop a large truth bomb on you, you can't be all nice and kind in this world and if you think you can be you're even more delusional than I thought. Haven't you heard that nice guys always finish last? If not you're about to learn a hard truth this week. You sound like that zombie off Warm bodies, like you couldn’t rip off a scary zombie? You coulda been all “Grrrrr ARG GRAAAAAA” and had some manager or something speak for you but instead you take the weakest zombie route there is! No wonder you don’t want to show your face.

I’m literally not going to have any issue breaking you in half zombie boy. You’re a twig, an undead twig. Your “combat skills” consist of blocking punches and even then I’ll break whatever body part doing the blocking. Like, normally I’m the one who has to play offense against dudes but you’re not a dude you're a fucking toothpick.

Okay, enough about you let’s talk about me. I’m your worst nightmare. I’m hallucinogens and pure ecstasy all rolled up into one perfect meat suit. I’ll have you seeing your worst fears while giving you just enough of a good time that you’ll want to get in the ring with me again just so you can feel the pain over and over. I’ve just been itching to get back to this little game we call wrestling and play around with people. Ya see Zomboy, I really like physical pain, like a lot, but being able to play with a fragile mind is what really gets me going. Considering your brain is probably rotting and there doesn’t seem to be that many “good” brains here in XWF I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you aren’t even half of a whole idiot, maybe like one twelve, so mind fucking you is going to be soooooooo much fun.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya! Kalel giggles and waves to the camera before the screen cuts to black.