You are treated to the interior of a deluxe urban condominium. You know the kind, the ones that cost like $3000 a month on the lowside so you can live in the “thick of it all” while trying not to get scurvy from a daily diet of Instant Ramen. That kind of condo. Anyway, we open on a youngish millennial couple who look really, really smackable. They're white, and the dude is rocking one of those obnoxious hipster pencil mustaches. The chick is a total Karen who is wearing an ironic flannel shirt and jeans and a stupid wide brimmed hat. They both look anxious, and they're sitting on the couch, facing each other and nervously ringing their hands.

Do you think we did the right thing?

The man demurs. I think we did A thing. He sighs. We did what we had to do!

It's just that I heard she's kind of a bad person. She was on Fox News and....

Just then, the intercom buzzer sounds.

That's probably her. We can tell her “no”.

The Karen seems to debate it for all of five seconds before answering. No, you're right. Go ahead and let her in.

The man goes to the intercom and presses the button to let her in. About five minutes later, there's a knock at the door. Shooting one last look at his life partner, the man unlatches it and opens the door. No sooner is this done does Madison Dyson come dramatically swooping into the room!

Have no fear, Caucasians, it is I......



ACTION SAXON!



Madison is wearing a black and tan leather super hero outfit. Swasitka's are emblazoned on each of her boobs, and the whole outfit has the cut of a German officer's uniform circa the 1940's. All in all, super fucking problematic! The millennial couple go a little wide eyed at the sight of it, but ultimately say nothing.

And don't forget....VIBE BOY!

Yet another figure appears in the doorway, taking a super heroic stance but ultimately just looking like kind of a goober. It's a doughy man wearing a holographic multi-colored spandex bodysuit and a domino mask made of the same material. Obviously, it's ELON MUSK!

Overall, the couple looks slightly overwhelmed by all of this. Oh...uh...hi....

So you got our signal, I take it?



Ayyyuuupppp.

It made us...kind of uncomfortable....

Well, butch up buttercup because I'm here now! Madison surveys the apartment, taking a little walk around the living room as her cape swishes behind her in a somewhat malevolent fashion. Vibe Boy walks over to their Vinyl collection and starts picking through it. So, what can I help you fine citizens with?

The woman perks up self consciously. First off, we just want to say we are NOT racist!

No, not at all!

I liked Old Town Road so much I downloaded it twice!

And I think Dave Chappelle is right about a lot of things! And very funny!

Madison tries and fails to suppress a smirk. Okay, okay, relax! This is a judgment free zone!

Except for this music selection! Vibe Boy holds up some of their vinyl. Your EDM collection SUCKS! Nu Jazz? Drumfunk? Bubblegum Dance?! It's all trash! Let's listen to some good shit! Vibe Boy reaches into the spandex of his pants and starts rooting around for something.

Uh, let's save it, Vibe Boy? She speaks it in a fashion that makes it clear it's not a suggestion.

Shucks.

Looking mildly annoyed, Madison returns her attention to the couple. So what's the problem?

Well, it's like this....the man begins before shooting the woman another anxious look....as you may be aware the neighborhood in this city has been going through some changes. Good changes!

The woman chimes in. But we still need more change to happen before we can truly feel at home here!

For example, a Whole Foods has been trying to move into the neighborhood for months!

And I still can't find a decent Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato in a three block radius!

Madison slaps her cheeks, looking horrified. That's fucking CRIMINAL! Alright, so whats the hold up?

Another tense glance passes between the couple. Well....it's..... the woman stammers.

It's the OLD neighborhood.

….the “old” neighborhood?

You know....with the people who lived here...before us....

Madison suddenly smiles and nods her head knowingly. I'm pickin' up what you're puttin' down. And you need me to work my mojo to fix that problem?

Yes! So long as no one gets hurt!

Madison puts her hands out in a placatory manner. Relax, nobody's gonna get hurt. And I CAN solve this problem!

There's supposed to be some rally downtown tomorrow. A lot of the people who oppose the neighborhood development we want are supposed to be there.

I'll take care of it! Madison shoots them a thumbs up. Vibe Boy? You ready?

He chucks the rest of their music collection back onto the shelf. Fucking garbage! You ever hear of an ARTISTE named ELON MUSK?! That ring any bells? He's visionary. VISIONARY! But you plebians probably wouldn't get it....Madison grabs Vibe Boy by the scruff of his costume and drags him out the door as he continues to rant.

THE NEXT DAY!

We cut to a panoramic shot of a bustling downtown area, made even more bustling thanks to the presence of a large crowd of protesters. Many of them are waving signs that say things like “NO MORE GENTRIFICATION!” and “SAY YES TO AFFORDABLE HOUSING!” and “PRESERVATION OVER DEVELOPMENT!”. The crowd is almost completely made up of minorities. A young black woman stands atop a makeshift podium with a megaphone and seems to be preparing to make a speech.

The crowd is surrounded by police officers and police cruisers keeping a close eye on the function. The woman seems like she's ready to make her speech, and she lifts the megaphone to her lips, but instead of her voice, a sudden loud sound of an engine roaring drowns her out! Everybody looks about, trying to determine the source of the sound, when quite abruptly a huge truck is seen soaring through the air!!



FUCK YEAH IT'S THE CYBERTRUCK!!!! All other cars in the XWF can EAT ITS SHIT!

The Tesla Cybertruck lands directly on two of the police cruisers, completely obliterating them while the Cybertruck is totally undamaged! The cops and some of the protesters dive for cover as car parts and debris go flying. Some people are probably even killed by jagged shrapnel! The scene draws to a halt as people cautiously start to pick themselves up off the ground. The doors of the Cybertruck open, and ACTION SAXON and VIBE BOY come out. They both clamber onto the roof of the truck.

Cybertruck, enhance our voices! Vibe Boy calls out.

AFFIRMATIVE. VOICE ENHANCEMENT ACTIVATED. I LOVE YOU.

I love you too, Cybertruck! Vibe Boy's voice hitches with emotion.

Madison throws her arms out. BEHOLD! It is I.....ACTION SAXON!

...and Vibe Boy! He grumbles, crossing his arms.

Their voices boom out like a thunder clap, cowing everyone standing around the Cybertruck.

And I am here on behalf of REAL AMERICA to present a FINAL SOLUTION to this pressing issue!

You can hear a smattering of people in the crowd say “Did that bitch just say “final solution”?”

BUT FIRST! My super hero origin!

AUDIBLE GROANS!

Shut the fuck up! What else you got to watch, some Madea bullshit?! Recovering, she starts to tell her tale. Originally, the reason I wanted to get super hero powers was to beat Calvary and Cadryn Tiberius in my next match. But then I realized how limited my vision was! Why settle for winning a match when I can change the world! So, after MUCH trial and error.... she shoots a withering glance at Elon....thanks to the Chaos Engine I finally found the super hero ability I didn't even know I needed! Something that could bring balance, and peace, and harmony and....ironically enough...not hurt anyone! And all of you lucky little lovelies get to be my test case.

The woman with the megaphone stands upright and brings it to her lips.

Fuck you! You're just that old white bitch from Fox News! You and your Ku Klux Klan, 14 words spoutin' ass!

Madison looks aghast. OLD?! No ma'am....FUCK YOU! I am here to SOLVE America's RACE PROBLEM!

The people in the crowd start to get a combination of nervous and angry. The woman goes in again. You can't solve SHIT! These people are here because they are losing their homes so some yuppie assholes can move in and turn OUR neighborhoods into suburbia part two! And we're not having it!

Madison looks like she's about to blow her lid, but then...she just takes a deep breath and, in a very uncharacteristic moment for her...smiles in the face of adversity. It's honestly kind of chilling. But don't you think all of this could be smoothed over if everyone was on the same page?

What're you talkin' about? We'll never be on the same page as you, you bigoted hillbilly.

I don't recall ever saying you had a choice. Madison replies with more than a hint of malice. With that, she outstretches her arms and speaks one single command.......

WHITER!

At first, the crowd looks up at her in confusion, but it doesn't take long for the mood to start to change. Confusion turns to barks and gasps of shock or terror. Even Madison herself can't help but be shocked by what she's causing. HOLY SHIT IT WORKED!

Like a wave, all of the minorities in the crowd look at their arms and legs in abject horror as they all turn LILLY WHITE! Curled hair suddenly falls straight and flaxen. Brown skin turns pasty. In short, all these poor bastards are going VANILLA! The air starts to fill with screams. Madison cries out triumphantly. I HAVE DONE IT! I HAVE SOLVED RACE RELATIONS IN AMERICA!

One of the afflicted looks up at her in a rage. FUCK YOU, I'M GONNA BE MEDIOCRE AT BASKETBALL NOW!

But at least you'll be able to get a job, or flag a taxi, or get the benefit of the doubt with the cops. Jesus, YOU INGRATES!

GET HER!!!! Many in the crowd turn their panic to fury as they start to push their way towards the Cybertruck!

VIBE BOY! HIT IT!

It's about damn time! CYBERTRUCK, HIT MY MUSIC!

AFFIRMATIVE. VIBE MODE ACTIVATED. I LOVE YOU.

I still love you too, Cybertruck!

Suddenly, the Cybertruck comes alive with the thumping dance beat of this peerless track from dance music GOD Elon Musk!



Oh shit, that's my jam! Vibe Boy suddenly produces some glow sticks and starts waving them in the air in a semblance of rhythm with the music. But the angry newly created white people are closing in on the truck!

Can you hurry it up?! Madison barks.

You can't rush this genius, Action Saxon!

WE ARE GOING TO DIE! She gesticulates wildly at the incoming mob.

FINE! Vibe Boy rolls his eyes beneath his mask and he starts to dance even more, swaying this way and that and stretching the seams of his spandex attire to dangerous lengths! His hips start to gyrate, and then with a series of furious hip thrusts he starts channeling his vibe into pure kinetic energy!

DON'T

**Hip thrust!**

DOUBT

**Hip thrust!**

UR

**Hip thrust!**

VIBE!

**Hip thrust!**

On the final thrust a cascade of vibe energy cascades from Vibe Boy's crotch, slamming into the crowd and scattering them every which way with a sound like a sonic boom! The crowd's anger dissolves into fear once more as their brains struggle to process the sheer inanity of what just happened. Seeing an opening, Madison smacks Vibe Boy on the shoulder.

Let's get the fuck outta here!

Right!

Wasting no more time, they both hop back in the truck, gunning it back up and over the crushed squad cars and hightailing it outta there! The shot cuts to the interior of the Cybertruck, Vibe Boy is at the wheel and Madison is craning her head back to make sure they're not being followed.

Hot damn! We did it!

HUH?! Vibe Boy tries to hear her over the sound of this kickass beat. With a scowl, Madison reaches over and hits a button on the console, shutting the music off. Hey!

Cram it! Mama's 'bout to start cookin'! She turns to the camera inside the truck. Hell, maybe the Cybertruck itself is filming! Is there anything this thing can't do?!

Did you see that shit?! Ya'all might as well call me He-Man because I HAVE THE POWER!!! And thanks to Elon and the limitless abilities of the House of Truth, our powers are PERMANENT! Yeah, you heard that right. I'm gonna be able to change the whole world as we know it for the rest of my life!

Think about it, think about all those minorities who will suddenly have the chance to be NORMAL. And who doesn't want to be normal? To fit in? To be ACCEPTED? Oh sure, there will be some people who resist, like the folks back there. But resistance can always be broken. You can practically see the reflection of precision rallies in 1930's Berlin in her eyes. But you might be asking, Maddy what the hell does this have to do with your match on Warfare? Well, as it turns out, jack shit!

Yeah, I originally did this to get some powers to level the playing field with Calvary and Cadryn. But when I hit the jackpot on this ability with the Chaos Engine, I knew I couldn't pass it up! And besides, lets be real here. If this week has shown us anything, it's that I really don't need powers to merk these two skidmarks.

I mean, CADRYN?! Homeboy's not even pretending to give a shit this time. And that makes sense. If you're just turning up to flop on your back and get paid like a cheap trick, why bother to even the hype the match? But it begs the question, honey, do you REALLY need the money that bad? I joked before about the farm being in dire straits, but....yikes, maybe I was more on the ball with that one than I thought. Now, contrary to what some people might say, I am not a completely cold hearted bitch. I've never been poor myself, but I imagine it's got to suck! So, I'm going to offer you a job, Cadryn. And it's one you're gonna be familiar with. You see, Shane, The Engineer, Gilly, Tristan and I....we're looking for a pet BITCH. Somebody to do all of our grunt work, fluff Gilly in between gang bangs with Asian super models, and be front and center for me to inflict my violent, irrational rages on when things don't go my way. Other (humiliating and degrading) duties will be assigned. Pay will be commensurate with experience and a letter of recommendation from The Kings will be required. And yes, John Madison will have to sign off on it as well.

Think it over, Cadryn. It's not like you have any pride left to tarnish or anything.

Madison kicks her feet up on the dashboard of the truck, which draws a disapproving look from Vibe Boy. Hey, hey, hey...respect her like a lady!

Elon I swear to God if I find out you fuck this thing.....

Just please don't tell Grimes. Elon looks a little nervous.

Madison guffaws mightily. Oh ho hoooooooo....SHIT! You NASTY! She does relent and remove her feet though.

So, Calvary....the fuck you go? You were all full of piss and vinegar out of the gate and then you clammed up. Like, yeah, I AM pretty baller at trash talk, but to saspanic a super hero so hard he tucks and runs is new ground even for me! So what part of that was the most problematic for you sweety? The part where I successfully called you out for being a giant hypocrite or the part where I told you a regular human bitch is gonna turn you out harder than Barney on a lady boy?

Oh wait, I didn't actually get to that second one yet, but I'm fixin' to right now. So yeah, Cal, can I call you Cal? Cal....you're 'gon lose to a regular human bitch. My only power is Making America Great Again, which honestly doesn't buy me much in a fight unless we count any advantage I can glean from turning you Afro and suddenly giving you a pecker you're not ashamed to flaunt in a communal space shower.

Yeah, I'm gonna win this match. And I'm gonna ride this momentum straight on through March Madness until I get to relish in the sweet, sweet victory of making Lane and Pryce put that crown atop my head. And I want you to stop and ponder just what my win is going to do to you, Cal. Think about it, here you come down from on high with the light of heaven coming flush our your asshole, all hyped up on your own self righteousness and BAM, mere weeks into your career you're getting taken to school by a fascist chick whose best fight years are in her rear view. I mean, GOD DAMN, you are gonna look like DOGSHIT after this match, Cal. Pure DOGSHIT.

From this point forward you're gonna puff out those pectorals and start talkin' “glory be” this and “shame on you” that and all anybody is gonna remember is the champ's Nazi manager getting a dubya on you. And sure, you might spin this by saying I pinned Cadryn, because yeah, that's where the smart money goes, but the fact remains you still couldn't stop little old me from getting one over on you.

Another thing booboo, I'm not sure if you realized this before you inked that contract, but your presence in the XWF is a tad, shall we say, redundant. We already have a resident goody two shoes in Ruby, and though it pains me to say this, she does it better than you. And considering that the XWF is the kind of place that knowingly allows pedos to fight for championship gold and presently has a body hopping sadistic computer virus as its “number one”, your whole dull boy scout act was past its sell by date before you even debuted. Bleeding edge is where it's at and sorry/not sorry to say, you're a glorified yawn generator.

But, all is not lost! Just like I helped Cadryn out, I'm gonna do you a solid. As I said earlier, the elite of the elites are hiring, and I admit, we could certainly use someone with your powers on our side. But that whole angle you're playing now? Madison gags. Gotta go! But I have a suggestion!

She plays her hands out like she's imagining it in marquee lights.

THE UBERMENSCH!



Haha! Yeah, look at that FUCKER! Now that looks like a guy who knows what's up. That could be you, Cal. Well, you with a spine anyway. And just think of how much more interesting you'd be. Like I said before, all that good guy shit is sooooo passe. Whether you like it or not ours is a world that demands sex, drugs, and violence on a dime baby. No amount of your boring schoolmarm chastisement is going to undo hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution.

So there you go, you got a whole new you. The bill is in the mail. Madison chortles. What, you thought I'd be doing this for FREE? Bernie ain't in the Oval, snowflake.

Cal, Cadryn, don't let it startle you too much when my bitchin' theme music kicks at the end of our match. And Cadryn, I'll try real hard not to step in shit before I put my boot on your chest. Which, when you think about it, IS kinda like steppin' in shit. What a conundrum! Anyhow, later losers. See you on the other side of another notch in my win column.

Madison, can I put my song back on? My vibes are getting dangerously low!

Yeah...yeah.... Madison waves her hand dismissively as Elon cranks the music and kicks the Cybertruck into high gear!


OOC: Special thanks to Atara for the kickass Action Saxon graphic